A Moment with the EX (HELP)

[ryan14]

hello Foz and Everyone

 

I know what you're going through Foz, man!!! this is so hard!!! at first i was giving advices with other people in here, i see some improvements to their story, but when i look at mine I only see myself a lonely and depressed person (hopeless that mine will never get better), i'm scared that she won't change, i'm scared that she will never come back, and i'll never find someone whom i will love and would love me back.

 

its like i'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel, i'm sorry guys if i kept repeating myself here.

[Foz]

hey ryan,

believe me i understand, i have been pretty much stuck in sadness and depression for the past 2 months. but now that i have found out that my ex is jumping from woman to woman i am angry. Hopefully i can use this anger to move on like he has moved on. All my illusions are gone. He is with other women and i couldnt take him back now. He has tainted what we had by being with other women and i cant forgive that. Not that he was going to come back, it was just comforting to think he might..

There are no easy answers as to how to move on but if you could get angry with her that would help alot. I am now thinking that i deserve better and that is a good start. You sound like a really nice guy so im pretty sure you will find love again but you wont find it until you are over her. Im not over my ex, not by a long shot but im trying to move on..

How is the NC going??

[ryan14]

hello Foz and everyone

 

atleast you have a reason to get mad and move on... as for me i dont have any, its been 5 days now of NC, sometimes i wanna wait outside her office or house and check her out if she's seeing someone new (playing private detective)

 

I really want to call her but i'm sure it won't do anything good, and it wont change her mind, i feel i am going crazy here

[Foz]

hi Ryan,

Yeah i have a reason to be mad but it is also quite upsetting knowing that he is with other people and has no concern for me at all.

You could try get mad at her for playing head games with you??

Well i did private detective and what i found was not very nice but i dont regret it. At least now i have some anger and can hopefully move on and find someone who will love and appreciate me 100 times more than he did.

Im not advocating playing private detective but i was very sad and depressed and confused as to why all this happened (still dont know) and i also really wanted to know what was going on in his mind, now i know but it is quite hurtful to know that the person i thought the world of doesnt give a damn about me.

You should try read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus-Starting Over, it has some good insights into the grieving process and how to move on..

I know im not doing too bad at the moment but im sure i will have some dark days ahead but i have survived the past 8 weeks so im sure i will survive and pull through this eventually.

I wish i could say something that would take some of the pain away but there is nothing to say that will take it away, you just have to feel it. Think back to the days after the initial break up, im sure you are 10 times better than you were then and in 4 weeks time you will be 10 times better than you are today.

Heartbreak is the worst pain there is but we will survive it, we have to because we have no other choice..

Keep me posted on how you are doing..

[ryan14]

Hi Foz

 

thank you very much i feel a little bit ok now, i agree with you i know i'll be 10 times better or maybe more than 10, i dont know i just wish it would be sooner

[Foz]

Hi Ryan,

I too wish there was something i could do to speed it all up or if i could transport myself 6 months into the future when summer is around the corner and im happy again but i cant. I feel sad today, i feel disillusioned about my relationship, i feel it was all one big joke to him and it was real to me and that feels awful but that is my reality now and there is nothing i can do to change it.

This is awful and i hope that i or you or anyone else on this forum never has to through this pain ever again and that we all end up blissfully happy with someone who thinks the world of us and who would move mountains to be with us. Hopefully we will find that at some stage in the future!

[ryan14]

hello again all

 

just an update, i can't help myself today so i broke the golden rule (NC), i called at her office she was on leave, so i got worried and called at her house but her brother told me she's not around, so i finally called at her mobile number she answered and i ask her where she is, she told me that she's at school finishing a research paper for saturday, she ask me why did i called and i said i just got worried, she told me she will call me when she gets home, i told her not to because i know already she's ok and we hang up.

 

from the sound of her voice she's really happy when i called but maybe its just me.

 

anyway that call made me feel great, but i do hope things will be ok again.

 

guys what do u think? any opinion would really help?

[Foz]

for your own sake at this stage i would ask her straight out is there any hope of you getting back together cos you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to analyse her words otherwise.

Ask her then you will know!

[craigblitz]

from the sound of her voice she's really happy when i called but maybe its just me.

 

MAJOR red flag!!!!! Dude you are going to drive yourself insane if you do this. Man you keeping up with her scehdule, calling her, etc etc... I am not sure this is a good thing. You are still consumed by her and that is not healthy at all. Is she calling you? Has she asked you on any dates? If not then do not be getting your hopes up.

 

I honestly think that you should let her do ALL the contacting. That way you will know she is showing mutual interest at least. Bsically I am saying be patient, do not assume anything, and stop over analyzing everything. Again by her contacting you, you do not have to wonder if she is thinking of you or what she is thinking, or hmmm she sounded happy.

 

Good Luck

[ryan14]

Thank you Foz and Craigblitz

 

i guess you're right, i should let her do the calling not me and if she calls i'll ask her what is our situation if there is hope to rekindle.

 

now she knows that i'll always call her, man! i'm stupid

[Foz]

you are not stupid, you are just hurt and upset and desparately want to know what is going on in her head. I understand, i do it too!!

Try NC for a while and then if its not working just ask her straight out cos you will only drive yourself mad trying to figure her out..

[craigblitz]

Not stupid at all, my god all the stupid things I did before I got my ex back pales to what you are doing.

 

Before I wirte this realize every situation is different and there is no such thing as blanket advice in regards to getting your ex back. With that said here are some things that I think and things that I did to help me get back with my ex. Bottom line is you know her better then anyone on this board and you have to find the right balance between advice and doing what you know is right. Having said that...lol

 

"if she calls i'll ask her what is our situation if there is hope to rekindle."

 

In my opinion, that is a horrible idea. First, I do not think you are there yet. She is still broke up with you for a reason. If she does have intentions on getting back with you, does it really need to be announced? If there is going to be a rekindling it will take time and it will be like you are dating all over again at first. Let her direct this. Later if she is only looking to be friends let her know that is not what you want (unless you are ok just being friends). Just remember this is not going to be a quick process. I am not sure there is a magic number but from reading post and talking with friends who have gone through this 6 months - year seems to be about right. So be patient...

 

Next, you do not contact her for anything. This is where I differ with the NC rule. If she contacts you so be it, answer if you want but there is no need to ignore her. Again, some say let her feel your loss, but I believe there is no way to work things out unless there is some dialouge back and fourth. With that said there is no need to be at her beg-and-call. Forget that, do not let her have her cake and eat it too. This is the trick, balance, that only you will know where it is at. If she is not calling you then you know where she stands, and it will help you move on. If she does call you know there is still some interest in you regardless. There is no benefit in you contacting her at all. None.

 

Finally, if you can not handle talking to her just as a friend then don't do it at all. If you keep bringing up us talks and stuff that wall will be built around her in a hurry. Just be you. With that said, take this time to look at the realtionship, what needs changed? Are there things that you should have done, been more patient, around more, not as angry, etc? Work on them if you think they need changed. The time is NOW for you to imporve your whole life. Your only concern right now is you and only you. Live it up, go out on some dates, hang with your friends, do the things you wanted that couldn't while you were in a relationship.

 

Bottom line, if this is going to happened it will take a lot of patience and time. Ask around, this will be extremley hard. Regardless, you need to be living your life like you will never be back with her. Kind of like expect the worse hope for the best.

 

Good Luck my friend.

[ryan14]

Hello guys

 

@ Foz thank you for the reply hope you are doing better now

 

@ Craigblitz thank you very much, I really appreciate the insights and advices

 

However these things happened...I'm sorry again I think I blew it

 

 

THE TEXT MESSAGE

I got a text message "hi babe how r yah? I'm home right now...hope you miss me too -BABE" it's on a different number, so I've assumed that she borrowed another cell phone and just texted me.

 

TALKING TO HER SISTER

well you know what...I called her at the house and her sister told me that she's not around, I said I'll just call back again and hang-up.

 

MY MOVE

I miss her really bad and I don't know what my ex is up to...so I check her public profile and read all the things about her (I do this when I miss her) something really caught my attention as I read the lines of her status "STATUS: IN A RELATIONSHIP", I began to cry and got really pissed off, and I remember her saying "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND" does this mean she lied to me and she's with her new boyfriend at that time, so what I did was….

 

THE CALL

I was really not going to call and just leave it, but my curiosity over powered me,

so I called her cell phone, she answered and asked why I was calling, I told her about the text message, she said she never texted me, I apologize for interrupting her evening, and I asked her if she's at home, she told me she's not...she's in a friends house and they'll be going out bar hopping (girls night out I guess)

 

I also ask her if she has a new boyfriend, she told me she doesn't have one, I then told her about the "IN A RELATIONSHIP" status on her public profile (I could sense her laughing a little bit) she told me she was just faking it so that no one will keep messaging her (she's very cute and a lot of guys flood her inbox), so I apologize again for acting really weird, she just said to text her if I want to talk to her again, I said ok and we hang up.

 

MY THOUGHTS

I feel relieved and at the same time embarrassed of asking her those stupid questions (if she has a new BF and the "IN A RELATIONSHIP" status) anyway I am convinced that she doesn't have a new BF, but what if she's is going out on a date or maybe she's with friends boy hunting?

 

Did I really screw up the chance of getting her back? I feel 100 times lower now, guys I really need tons of advice, please help me

[craigblitz]

Same advice applies.... Just try to follow it....DO NOT CONTACT HER!

 

 

She said next time you want to talk text? I think that is a clue to leave her alone....

 

I also call BS on the relationship thing. I really want others people advice on that but I think that is junk. People will contact her regardless, she can block people, ignore, etc. I am not saying she is seeing someone but I think she is giving you a clue she might be.

 

Buddy, just let her be and work on you.

[DragonGirl724]

8pages of mind games!!! thats all this is. it doesnt really help having both parties not being honest. youre just as guilty of mind gaming as she is! but then again im not back w/ my ex either & i am no genius on this game called love, BUT every ex i had in the past always came back to me & thats a fact. but then again i wasnt in love w/ them so i never gave them the 2nd chance but we remain good friends but my previous exs i jus blocked them out of my life so they couldnt IM me or watever bc i couldnt care less. but the reality of it all is..when u had sumthing good in the past & u got rid of it you miss it. youll work to get it back. its just how things work. i deleted my ex from my contacts list so now ill appear offline to him & his friends. if he misses me enuff to make this work he will work for it as he did when he first met me!!! i refuse to be a point & click away at his access!! but with my ex now its just mind games or maybe its just our high hopes intertwining with the reality of it all. watever it is im sick of it!

 

id say to your ex "listen i really care about you this is all BS b/c your toying with my mind & i am not a toy i am a human being that deserves love & deserves happiness if you can not see yourself in MY future playing a role as my other half im sorry but then you can not contact me again. i find myself going mad over the stupidest things such as a profile & im done with it! you hear me im done! dont text me, dont call me, dont bother doing anything with me. b/c you have your only other chance to have me in your life right now take it or leave it & if you dont want me in it then i will find someone who will. b/c you are clouding my thoughts & overwhelming me with these dropping towel texting me BABE BS. either you love me or you dont, there is no inbetween! im sorry now or never."

 

& stick with it its the only way youll get further in life. make her worry about your profiles & your dates & your life & YOU! but soon enuff you wont even worry about her worrying!

 

PS: watch the movie "Swingers"

 

-DG724

[ryan14]

hello craigblitz and dragongirl724

 

thank you very much for reading my post, i'll stop calling her and work on myself, i believe this is not yet the time to ask (about us and where our relationship stands) because i might hear something, get mad, and argue with her, in short i'm still weak.

[Foz]

Ryan,

you have to ignore this girl and not respond to her text's. You are analysing everything too much.

I didnt contact my ex at all since the last time we met, one month ago, and out of the blue, he rang me last night. My phone wasnt switched on so he left a message and i have not replied. And im not going to until im ready to contact him.

If your girl wants to be with you she will move mountains to be with you, you texting her and questioning her about her profile is going to make her think you are a pest!

Have you ever broken up with someone and then they keep ringing you and have you taken the call out of politeness but you are actually rolling your eyes and making faces??

well keep continuing the way you are and that is what your ex will start doing. Have a bit of dignity and self respect, leave her be for the moment and stop contacting her. Please you will only end up more miserable and drive her further away!!

[ryan14]

Foz

 

thank you again for that sound advice and all the previous posters here, i think you're 50x times stronger now, i think i should really stick to NC and not contact her, but wat do i do when i feel like calling her, and did i ruine it now

[Foz]

Start a journal and when you feel like calling her write down what it is you want to say to her, write down all your feelings and get them out of your system.

But please stop with the texting and phoning before you drive her mad and she starts seeing you as a pest. When that happens you have ruined it.

Dont even reply to her texts-nothing..just write in your journal, if she wants you back she will make it very clear to you.

[rnorth]

ryan, I am going to get on your case a bit but only because I care.

 

If you don't calm down, you are going to blow any chance you have with this girl.....

 

Now here is the good news.

 

1. Unlike Foz, I think your ex's moves are to test your interest level. She does care.

 

2. You have shown to her now, and maybe not in the best way, but at least she knows, that you care.

 

3. There is a major chance if you take the right steps, that this will all work out.

 

Now read very carefully....you can show that you care about her, but act like you don't care what she's up to, whether it be dating, what she wants from you, where she goes out, etc.

 

Think more positively about her motives. I respect Foz's insights, but they come from her experiences with her ex and are unique from yours. If your ex is contacting you, it is because she is interested. But I think these are the attitudes you need to adopt and make your own:

 

1. Kind detachment. Whatever she says, be sympathetic to it. No matter how much it makes you want to scream inside. Just remember, its your life not your ex's that should matter to you. If she sees that you are sympathetic AND strong, this will be irresistible. I know this because I have done both one and the other for this and practicing "kind detachment" is a powerful and effective approach.

 

2. You don't need her in your life. Okay, you want her, but really make plans with others and go through with them. Talk less about her when you are with them. Flirt with other women.

 

3. Be c0cky and funny when you talk to her. Tease her gently but boldly. Don't be mean, but be playful. Its something that she will find very appealing.

 

Now get yourself together and stop fretting about this woman. Go out for a run, lift weights, call a buddy to go to a sports bar and watch Monday Night football. Remember, she wants you and she is better off with you in her life whereas you are an independent island.

 

Good luck!

[SuperDave71]

Hi Ryan14,

 

 

I have read all 9 pages of your story and it is quite unique. I have read many of the similar stories here on eNotAlone. We are all going through, or have gone through similar situations and we are here to attempt to help you. Please remember advice is free.

 

Let's take a look at the facts.

 

1. You like ( love ) her.

2. She has contacted you several times

3. You are hurt

4. You are at her beckon call.

 

 

Sometimes when we take a look at what we KNOW is the truth..it helps see the current situation from a reality point of view. You nee to try and NOT ask WHY something is happening. Why is the sky blue? Why is there hate and violence in the world? WHY? WHY? WHY? You will only make yourself more confused and stressed out because you plan and simply DON'T KNOW!!

You must remember that a relationship that has gone bad, sometimes one party assumes that when a jilted lover tries to return with promises of .... they assume it is an emergengy fix or a repair and move on tactic. Let me put it in another light. If you had a hole in the wall, and you can put your hand through it ... now cover the wall with a band-aid and the wall if fixed right? Of course not. The wall ( the stability ) and the hole ( the problem ) is still there but attempted to be repaired quickly and without much thought. Its just covered up....not fixed.

Quite frankly, its NOT about Texting, its NOT about Phone calls, its NOT about talking to her co-workers or family.....it's about LOVING SOMEONE ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO... let me repeat..........it's about LOVING SOMEONE ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO..

Why do I say this? Simple....you are being used. I am NOT saying she doesn't care about you. She does...I know she does BUT she is NOT LOVING YOU. She pulls you out when she needs you. She tells you the things you want to hear to use you as a saftey net. She is holding on to you yet she is NOT loving you. I am NOT trying to be harsh my friend.

I believe by NOT CONTACTING her may allow her to miss you. I know you have heard this many times. Over and over..... Again, don't assume "But Dave, if I don't contact her..won't she move on and forget about me?" No....she won't. I promise you. You need to repair your "hole in the wall" with something SOLID. Take off your band-aids and hold your head up. You are ALLOWING her to control you. YOU are allowing her to GET YOU DOWN. Do you want a woman thaht you love, dictate how your day goes? "I didn't hear from her...now I am sad" Listen to this...Its not necessary. It is YOU who has control and you don't know it because your upset. ( Trust me I understand ) Get you head clear and look at the facts.........The SOLID facts. Do not look at what if's, or why's, how could she, maybe this means...blah blah....remember, actions speak louder than words.

Take time for yourself. You had a life before her and I know you are an intelligent human being who can focus and get what you want. Leave her alone until you can get YOURSELF together.

 

You can do it..

 

 

-Be strong,

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ryan14]

Hi to you all

 

well i dont know exactly where to put this but here goes.

 

my ex-gf is currently in a new relationship right now, after all what she said to me before that she's not looking for any boyfriend.

 

now i know why...she's with a TomBoy (lesbian)

 

right now i am so crushed, i really dont know why...its just a girl to girl relationship, but for me it still feels like hell.

 

i guess its not a moment with the ex now, and it will never be getting back again, i dont know but it really pisses me off

 

what do u guys think do i have to move on?

[Foz]

Well Ryan, i think if she is a lesbian then you will never have a future with her. if she is bisexual and breaks up with this girl she is seeing and wants you back, would you always be jealous when she is out thinking is she flirting with a girl or a guy tonight???

I think this girl has finally completely screwed with your head, i thought her emailing the girl you were dating telling her to back off was bad enough but this!!

i think now you have your answer as to your future together!

[ryan14]

hi to you all again

 

this ex-gf of mine really hates tomboys and i am so shocked why a sudden change of heart, maybe due to the fact that her whole family got separated plus breaking up with me was too much for her to handle.

 

maybe she still thinks of what i said before, that i wont come back if she's with a new guy (it was a joke half ment when we're still together) i dont really know.

 

this tomboy grab the opportunity and took advantage of the situation, my ex-gf now lives with this girl, i can't handle the idea of them being intimate.

 

Foz, Superdave71, rnorth, clraigblitz, Shocked&Dismayed, Raykay, DragonGirl724, MyJoy and everyone.

 

I am totally destroyed, Pls Help me!!!

[iceesnowbubble]

ryan,

Is she really with this girl..or do you think she is doing this to make you jealous. It's so hard to think that anyone could be so evil to lead you on, tell you they aren't looking for a boyfriend ( literally) just to go and get with a girl.. who knows. I am So sorry to hear about your situation. Try and be strong.. we are all here for you.