Why contact an ex after MANY years have passed?

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone --

 

A question, based on something *interesting* that happened to me yesterday.

 

When checking my work e-mail yesterday, I found an e-mail from an ex from years ago -- 2004. At first, I had no idea who it was from, that's how long ago it was that I last talked to him! I actually had to read it a couple of times to be sure, as he only signed his first name, and it's a common one (I didn't recognize the e-mail address.)

 

A little backstory: Dated this guy, back in 2004, for a bit under four months. I was not in love with him -- it was way too soon for that -- but when he dumped me, in a two-line e-mail (yeah, classy guy)l, I was pretty upset. In hindsight, I now realize that what hurt me was not so much the end of a very brief relationship, but that loss of "what could have been" -- I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with that feeling. Anyway, I responded, telling him I was disappointed but respected his decision. I saw him one more time after that -- he stopped by my office -- and we chatted briefly. He was most definitely "over it" already and did not seem fazed. I held it together but was NOT happy. Shortly thereafter, I e-mailed him, and he responded, making it a point to tell me that he was going away for the weekend with some other woman (!) and her family. Ummm...ok. Again, classy guy. If you're done with me, why do I need this info?

 

Over the next few months, I e-mailed him a few times (I know, I know -- this was a long time ago, and I've learned my lesson!) probably 5 times in a 6 month period. He responded to most of them - generally with only one or two sentences -- clearly not interested in engaging in conversation. Our last e-mail exchange was him announcing that he had met someone "who makes me very happy." He gave me the "let's be friends" line and even suggested meeting for coffee but added, "my schedule is really crazy." So, yeah, the coffee thing was just condescension on his part; he clearly didn't want to be friends or meet up, and I knew this. After that e-mail, something snapped in my brain, I grew some dignity, and responded telling him that I appreciated his honesty, really didn't think being "friends" or meeting up for coffee was a good idea at this point, and that I wished him well. He wrote a response, to which I never responded, in which he said he looked forward to hearing from me sometime in the future. That was in 2004. Shortly thereafter -- and I mean VERY shortly -- I was over him. Once I knew I was never going to hear from him again and never going to contact him again, I was fine.

 

So...fast forward to last night, and the e-mail. It was brief. In it, he said that it had been "a few years" since we'd last been in touch. ( A few, ya think? Really? Hahahahaha!) He said he would understand if I didn't respond. He inquired as to how I've been doing and ended by saying that, regardless of whether I responded, he hoped I would know that the message was sent with "good intentions," whatever that means.

 

Before I ask my question, let me say this: I have ZERO feelings for this guy and have no interest whatsoever in him. In fact, he hadn't so much as crossed my mind in years. Other than using him as an example (of how NOT to break up with someone!) in a few posts on ENA, I haven't mentioned him to anyone and have given him almost no thought since his final e-mail to me in 2004. Any feelings I may have had for him disappeared long ago -- very shortly after his announcement of his new love.

 

My question: Why e-mail, out of the blue, someone you dated for only a few months, EIGHT years ago? I was talking to my mom about it last night, and I threw out there the idea that he felt guilty and wanted to assuage his guilt, but...it doesn't seem likely. It seems to me that he would have simply said in the e-mail, "Hey, I know I handled things poorly back then, and I'm sorry." End of story. Plus, it was so long ago, and such a short relationship, I can't believe he'd stilll feel badly about how he ended it. My mom had another theory: She asked me if he's married. I Googled him, and indeed, he is -- or was as of January of this year (the date on the church newsletter that popped up with his and his wife's names listed as donors) Mom's theory: His marriage is in trouble and he's sniffing around old girlfriends for an ego boost OR possibly to see if he can find someone who's interested.

 

I'm not sure whether I'll respond -- I don't really see a point, as this relationship was over a long time ago, and I don't have anything to say. Once someone makes it clear that I'm not wanted in his or her life -- whether it's a guy I dated or a female friend or anyone else -- I'm done. You want me gone, I'm gone. I'm also not sure that it's appropriate to respond regardless, as he's married, and based on what I know of him from long ago, something tells me his wife does NOT know that he contacted me. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he created an entirely new e-mail address to contact me. Even if he weren't married, I would still be inclined not to respond.

 

So...my question to you all: What would make you contact someone you dated only briefly, many years ago, particularly if you're married or with someone else? Why do that? I really thought this guy forgot me long ago -- like, the DAY after he broke up with me -- so this is just puzzling to me.

 

And, would you respond? Again, I'm leaning toward not, for the reasons I stated above. I just don't see the point. If you would, why would you? And, what would you say?

 

I am not upset about this. It hasn't stirred up any old feelings or anything; I had even thrown away all the cards/letters/poems (and there were tons of them for such a short relationship) a long time ago, deleted all e-mails, everything. I admit, though, I'm curious as to why he contacted me, partly because I think it's pretty presumptuous of him to contact me to begin with and just assume I'd care to hear from him after so long.

 

Any thoughts you have would be of interest to me. They might also be of interest to others on here who are wondering if exes have forgotten them, wondering why an ex has gotten back in contact, etc.

[Lily McFly]

Hey browneyedgirl36! Wow, reading how he broke up and his subsequent, "she makes me very happy" stuff, ewww! He sounds icky. And now an email to an ex and he's married??? First, to answer your one of your questions, whether you have gotten feelings stirred up or not, I definitely WOULD NOT respond to it, that would give him so much satisfaction. Was he an arrogant type of guy or is that a stupid question, cuz boy does he sound arrogant! He probably he is so unaware of how he is, of how he comes off to people. Who gives a crap if a new girlfriend makes HIM happy? Ugh, that just pisses me off. I'm of the belief that people don't REALLLY change, not on any kind of fundamental level...I can bet you my last dollar he didn't run this up the flagpole with his wife: "Uh, honey, I'll be in there in a minute, I was about to send an email to old girlfriend". Yeah, right. By the way, I wish he could know that you had to reread the email to jar your brain into remembering who the heck it was that was emailing you. Now THAT would make a dent in his ego!! I wouldn't respond at all. He probably is sending out emails to anyone and everyone because he's bored in his marriage. Yawn.

[Cheetarah]

Well, I dated someone 8 years ago, and 2 years ago I ALSO got an e-mail out of nowhere asking me how I was doing after not having any contact whatsoever for 6 years. Out of curiosity and because I harbored no poor feelings, I did engage him in some conversations and a lunch, and discovered he was in a relationship of 5 years which was on the rocks and he was indeed looking to swing from one limb to another.

 

Why would I contact someone? Personally - I'd like to say my intentions would be all pure and saint-like, but the fact of the matter is, I probably would be in a rough spot in my life and seeking out support/idealizing my past would be more enjoyable than facing reality...There is only one person I'd contact with the intentions of wanting, truly desiring, to know how they're doing because they were a huge and massive part of my life in a very significant way and their presence inadvertently brought about a lot of changes in my life. I'll always be grateful for that. It certainly wasn't someone I dated for a couple months and definitely not someone I treated in that way, though.

 

No, I wouldn't respond unless it were the above mentioned person. I'd just see no point. I don't even know who you are anymore, why are you bothering me would be my line of thinking.

[Lily McFly]

From Cheetarah: Personally - I'd like to say my intentions would be all pure and saint-like, but the fact of the matter is, I probably would be in a rough spot in my life and seeking out support/idealizing my past would be more enjoyable than facing reality....

 

Cheetarah, you hit the nail on the head here. That's what it is, it's so simple it's overlooked...it IS more enjoyable than facing the reality. We are creatures that generally take the path of least resistance.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for your response! Yeah, I remember way back when thinking it was REALLY arrogant and smug of him to rub it in that he was seeing someone else and that she "makes me very happy." And, prior to that, he'd announced -- only a few days after dumping me -- that he was going to to lake for the weekend with some other woman! Like I really needed to know that! Like you said...YUCK! Now, he was quite a bit younger than me -- I was in my early 30's at the time, he in his mid-20's (first and last guy I will ever date that is that much younger!) and he wasn't all that mature, looking back. Yeah, I can guarantee his wife doesn't know he contacted me. He's definitely sniffing around; probably bored, lonely, feeling "misunderstood," etc.

 

I admit, I wondered if NOT responding would be a bad idea because it might reinforce some fantasy he has in his head that I never got over him, and I also must admit that writing him and saying, "Umm...I'm sorry, which [insert his name here] is this?" would give me a bit of satisfaction, but...yeah. Proabably best to leave it alone.

[dasilver]

What a story.....That just goes to show you that clearly dumpers don't forget the dumpee....

[browneyedgirl36]

Good points. I can't see much reason for him to write to me unless he's somehow dissatisfied with his life. Of course, he didn't mention in his e-mail that he's married. How convenient. You'd think, if this were merely a friendly catch-up e-mail (which would be pretty unlikely after so long anyway), he'd mention a bit about what had been going on in his life, including marriage.

 

I did have an ex from even longer ago contact me years down the road. He was my first boyfriend, and I his first girlfriend, and we dated for nearly five years before I broke up with him. He was heartbroken, and we didn't talk for a long time. After awhile, we became friends (mainly via letters, as there was no e-mail back then and we didn't live in the same city), and kept in contact for a few years afterward. Then, I stopped hearing from him. I assumed, rightly, that he had moved on and found someone else. He had, and he married her. I had learned this through the grapevine in our hometown, and I was happy for him. In 2008, twelve years after our last contact, he e-mailed me. He told me he didn't know if I wanted to hear from him, but that he often thought of me and hoped I was well. He also told me that he was married, what he'd been up to, about his mom and brother and his job, etc. It was clear to me that he was contacting me only because I was someone who had once been very important to him and that he wasn't up to anything shady. In fact, he'd discussed with his wife contacting me before he did it, and she was fine with it. Neither of us wanted anything from the other -- he's not looking to cheat on his wife and, from what he tells me, is quite happy with her. We exchange e-mails sometimes, and that's it.

 

I brought this up because he is the ONLY person in my life that I would ever have even considered contacting after years of no contact, and it would not have been to get him back or because I was unhappy -- it would mainly have been because I genuinely cared about him and wanted to know that he was doing well and was happy. In fact, over the years I thought about him from time to time, fondly, but never tried to look him up because I knew he was married, knew he had moved on, and I didn't think it was appropriate to get in contact. When he contacted me, I was receptive because I knew it was legit -- that he wasn't sniffing around or trying to get an ego boost or cheat on his wife. If I had thought that was the case at all, I would have shut him down.

 

In the case of this guy, yeah -- I don't even know who he is anymore, and he doesn't have ANY clue about me or all the things that have changed in my life since 2004 (pretty much everything, except for where I live!) He's a part of my past, and he needs to stay there.

[JA0371]

Hey BEG...

 

Want the last laugh? Tell him you remember him...and that right after him..you met the love if your life and, are happily

married with 7 kids LMAO!!!

Honestly he sounds like an arrogant assclown!!!

[browneyedgirl36]

What a story.....That just goes to show you that clearly dumpers don't forget the dumpee....

 

No kidding! This was actually part of the reason I posted this...not to give anyone any false hope or anything, because really, this isn't going to amount to anything (even if he wanted it to) -- but because many of us -- I've done it myself -- convince ourselves that an ex has "forgotten" us after a long passage of time with no contact, and that is often not the case. I mean, this was a very short-lived relationship, and I wasn't in love with the guy (nor he with me, obviously!) and he STILL re-appeared, so obviously, he hadn't forgotten me. It's a little unsettling, actually. It kind of makes me scared that the guy I dated before him might re-appear at some point. *shudder* God, I hope not!

[Lily McFly]

It also seemed when reading your original post when he told you stuff like that, "she makes him very happy" and that he was going away for the weekend with another woman, that he was trying to make you jealous. That was my first impression. Cuz who would say that? Why would they say that to someone that they're breaking up with? Maybe he thought you didn't really like him that much? Maybe you didn't glorify him enough, lol. Oh well. I LOVE your idea about the email, 'uh, who are you exactly? Whoever you are, I'm not interested in any ink toner!'

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey BEG...

 

Want the last laugh? Tell him you remember him...and that right after him..you met the love if your life and, are happily

married with 7 kids LMAO!!!

Honestly he sounds like an arrogant assclown!!!

 

LOL! This is pretty tempting...

 

And, yeah...assclown. That pretty much sums it up!

[browneyedgirl36]

It also seemed when reading your original post when he told you stuff like that, "she makes him very happy" and that he was going away for the weekend with another woman, that he was trying to make you jealous. That was my first impression. Cuz who would say that? Why would they say that to someone that they're breaking up with? Maybe he thought you didn't really like him that much? Maybe you didn't glorify him enough, lol. Oh well. I LOVE your idea about the email, 'uh, who are you exactly? Whoever you are, I'm not interested in any ink toner!'

 

Seriously...he has a really common first name, and it's tempting to write, "I'm sorry, but...which [insert name here] is this? I know several. Sorry...I'm confused here..."

 

Or, "[insert name here]? I'm sorry...maybe you're looking for another [insert my name here]...where do I know you from?" Heh. I won't do it, but...it would be fun.

[lavenderdove]

I had to chuckle reading this because i've had something very similar happen to me...

 

First, i wouldn't take this contact seriously at all... the most likely circumstance is that he has been married a while and is a bit bored with the married routine and was fantasizing about the days when he was single. So he hauls out his black book of ex GFs and thought maybe he'd either lure you into an online only or real affair to relieve his boredom and for a little ego boost and stimulation.

 

He's probably sitting in his basement googling for ex-GFs while his wife is upstairs cooking dinner and bathing their children.

 

So it is far more likely that he's trolling for a little excitement on the side and not even unhappy at all with his wife, just a little bored with the domestic routine.

 

In my case, i got a email where he was expressing regrets and saying things like 'you were the one i could have had it all with... i was too messed up when we were dating to realize it' blah blah blah, all those things that women want to hear. Meanwhile he was VERY married and not admitting to it while trying to get me to meet up with him out of town somewhere where his wife wouldn't catch him at it. A little concentrated googling helped me uncover that he was indeed married and neglecting to inform me of that, while busily trying to get me to meet him in Vegas or come to his hotel when he was in my town for business!

 

I responded back with sorry, i don't date married men and you chose someone else to marry and not me, so too bad!

 

He pops up again every couple years and tries again but of course he is still married and living with a wife so i kick him in the head yet again, saying, 'still married is see, too bad!

 

I think the real problem with men like this is not that they have a bad relationship or a bad wife, but that they are just selfish enough to troll around for excitement when they get bored with the domestic routine. Old GFs are an easy mark for them because they can try to set up a flirtation or online relationship based on the history. They're hoping that you liked them enough to get sucked back in again and 'forget' about the fact that they are married, just as they are forgetting about it when they're busily emailing you while the wife is busy cooking them supper.

[lavenderdove]

btw, the last time he tried it, i emailed back and said, 'are you and your wife still together?... oh wait, yes you are! I can find out more about you in 5 minutes of googling than you'll ever tell me and as i said before, you're married, i don't date married guys, and frankly it's not a good idea for you to be trying to hook up with ex-Gfs and she'll probably BBQ you in divorce court if she finds out you're emailing me and pretending to be single'!

 

That sent him scurrying away like the rat he is!

[browneyedgirl36]

Great post, lavenderdove. I'm definitely not taking this contact seriously. I don't think he ever really cared all that much for me, honestly; there was an age difference -- nine years, me being older -- and I think I was a novelty to him, really. He liked the idea of dating an "older woman," but that's as far as it went for him.

 

You're right, he's probably been Googling ex's like crazy. What's funny is that, by his own admission (back when I was dating him he told me this), several of his exes hated him; one slammed a door in his face, supposedly because, after they broke up, she still wanted to have sex with him and he refused. Even writing that makes me giggle. He was so full of himself even back then. I wonder if he contacted that ex, too!

 

I'm sure there's nothing wrong with this guy's wife. He's probably just very bored. And no worries, I'm not getting sucked in. It's actually pretty comical that he would contact me. After that long, and after such a short relationship, I'd be embarrassed if I were him.

[browneyedgirl36]

btw, the last time he tried it, i emailed back and said, 'are you and your wife still together?... oh wait, yes you are! I can find out more about you in 5 minutes of googling than you'll ever tell me and as i said before, you're married, i don't date married guys, and frankly it's not a good idea for you to be trying to hook up with ex-Gfs and she'll probably BBQ you in divorce court if she finds out you're emailing me and pretending to be single'!

 

That sent him scurrying away like the rat he is!

 

Wow! This guy's got some...er...stones on him to keep coming around after you've already confronted him about being married. What a creep! I would imagine that, after awhile, his contact has become amusing. Aren't these guys embarrassed to be pulling stuff like this? They ought to be.

[lavenderdove]

>>one slammed a door in his face, supposedly because, after they broke up, she still wanted to have sex with him and he refused.

 

Oh, i think it far more likely it was the other way around... he was hound dogging around her while with someone else and she slammed the door on him because he was being such a dog!

 

Which is an insult to dogs by the way... i should say he's a 'horn dog' not a dog... LOL!!

[browneyedgirl36]

>>one slammed a door in his face, supposedly because, after they broke up, she still wanted to have sex with him and he refused.

 

Oh, i think it far more likely it was the other way around... he was hound dogging around her while with someone else and she slammed the door on him because he was being such a dog!

 

Which is an insult to dogs by the way... i should say he's a 'horn dog' not a dog... LOL!!

 

Probably. He always tried to cast himself as the "good guy" and the "hero" in every story...yuck. Something tells me that his versions of events were probably VERY different than what really happened!

[lavenderdove]

well, the sad thing is that we DID have something really good, and he was a putz not to realize it, but along the way i realized he really WAS a putz who didn't understand in the least what love was or he wouldn't be being so stupid about everything!

 

I don't think they get embarassed because they are just so egotisical and driven to satisfy whatever whim of the moment they might have. He's probably the type where the NEXT woman always looks better than whatever he's got, and once he's been in a relationship a while, he gets bored.

 

My guy's problem was that we got along great EXCEPT he met a rich woman when he moved to L.A. for work who dangled some serious money and a posh lifestyle at him and he took it. He hoped to keep me in the dark and on the side in another town. But he sold himself out and was certainly making no noises at all about wanting to walk away from that money and lifestyle that he'd only have if he stayed married (prenup!).. i lost all respect for him because he sold out for money and was stupid enough to think i'd agree to still see him as if him being married didn't totally change things between us!

 

Some people are just catastrophically self centered, and their hubris is also their achilles heel! They want to have their cake and eat it too and that never lasts for long...

[dasilver]

btw, the last time he tried it, i emailed back and said, 'are you and your wife still together?... oh wait, yes you are! I can find out more about you in 5 minutes of googling than you'll ever tell me and as i said before, you're married, i don't date married guys, and frankly it's not a good idea for you to be trying to hook up with ex-Gfs and she'll probably BBQ you in divorce court if she finds out you're emailing me and pretending to be single'!

 

That sent him scurrying away like the rat he is!

 

hahahahahaha....I love this.....lol

[dasilver]

>>one slammed a door in his face, supposedly because, after they broke up, she still wanted to have sex with him and he refused.

 

Oh, i think it far more likely it was the other way around... he was hound dogging around her while with someone else and she slammed the door on him because he was being such a dog!

 

LOL!!

 

My feelings exactly....

[browneyedgirl36]

Yeah, I remember I made post not too long ago in response to someone else's thread about how it's REALLY important to listen to the stories people tell about themselves because they'll tell you all you need to know about who the person is. This guy, like my previous ex, told some real doozies. He didn't come accross as emotionally unstable, like my recent ex did in his stories (ironically, he thought he was coming accross as a badass, when really, he just looked crazy), but he DID come accross looking like an arrogant jerk. THe same girl who slammed the door in his face apparently told him, "You're the coldest person I've ever met." Why he told me that, I have no idea!

[lavenderdove]

People who are ruthlessly self interested CAN be cold... they just don't respond to normal indications that their behavior is pretty gross and they shouldn't do it because it is hurtful or wrong to other people. Their value system is warped enough that they see things that get themselves what they want as GOOD and anything that prevents them from getting it is BAD. So whether your feelings are hurt or they hurt you is irrelevant to them. Their moral sense is lacking because how YOU feel is irrelevant to them because they are so selfish.

 

He was very callous in telling you how felt about a new girl right after dumping you, because as far as he was concerned, it was GREAT news that he had a new hot girl to vacation with. How you felt about it was not his concern in his mind. How YOU felt was really irrelevant to him and he didn't think twice about the impact of his words on you, or may have enjoyed your pain because it made him feel powerful and stroked his ego.

 

He was very cold in how he dealt with you (and obviously the ex too), and now he is being cold and not considering his wife's feelings either. His goal is personal gratification. That is why when you reject them, they don't listen to anything you say and just keep pressing for what they want... the only thing important is getting what they want, and anything else they ignore and consider irrelevant. So they can really have some nerve and not 'get' that what they are doing is inappropriate, because the only thing that computes is their own minds is 'am i getting what i want' and 'what do i need to say or do to get what i want'...

 

i am always amazed but not surprised when my guy contacts me yet again (this has been going on for years) because i have so many times rejected him... but he keeps trying because he wants what he wants and feels entitled to pursue it. And i also know that as soon as i reject him yet again, he just goes about his business and probably emails some other woman! People like this are a bit socipathic in their behavior in that women are more objects to be 'consumed' or used than they are to form real caring bonds and mutually satisfying bonds with...

[dasilver]

I feel like i just had a revelation....thank you for this...

 

Especially this part....(And i also know that as soon as i reject him yet again, he just goes about his business and probably emails some other woman!)

 

Thank you!!!

[hiphophap]

A question in google led me to this thread.

 

This happened to me last night. I have chosen to ignore the email.

In it he mentioned how I needn't reply but he wanted to tell me how great his life is and how happy he is and that he is in a relationship. His message was so strange. It isn't as if I asked anything about his life. I had forgotten about him.

 

He also mentioned how 'sexy' I looked in my profile picture on facebook.

 

What happened is that we were dating for a few months and I assumed we were in a relationship because he wanted sex.

 

Soon I realized his interests lay elsewhere and when I asked if we were in a relationship he laughed at me as if I were hopeless and replied 'oh goodness no.'

He was divorced and had two children. The woman he chose was the same age as me. I was a single parent of one.

I would imagine after three years being together with this girl the pressure is on him to do the marriage, have more babies thing since the one he chose was childless lady in her mid thirties.

 

And here we are three years later and he is randomly messaging me about how happy he is and how settled and how sexy I am. Hmmmmm. No doubt he is looking for an ego boost before he hits the church.

 

I will be providing no such thing.