Once a lie is told - it can't be undone. How to deal

[csr14]

The damage that one little lie can do. Okay so you might remember I wrote the other day about having issues trusting my boyfriend even though he hadn't done anything for me to feel that way. Well it happened. I caught him in a lie. Was it his first? Maybe. I don't know. It was so petty but it was a lie all the same. A little background. Robbie and I have been together for almost 7 months. He's a great guy for the most part and has taken on a lot. Up until about 18 days ago he was out of town for work and I only saw him on Saturday nights through Sunday mornings pretty much the whole month of June. Since he's been home we've been very busy and one of our friends from his work has been around a lot lately because he himself is going through a breakup. And we have had no quality time which just so happens to be my secondary love language (if you know what that is). On Monday night he went to a friends house and stayed out there til about 10 PM (our bedtime). On Tuesday we ran errands and stopped by one of his friends and didn't get in until about 9. On Wednesday his work buddy was over until 12 AM. On Thursday he came home from work (I think) with his work buddy and I made them dinner, then Friday - he wanted to go over to another guys house and I asked him to stay home with me - i miss him and feel like I haven't had any quality time with him. After quite a bit of back and forth he said he would be home. Well Friday rolled around and he said he had to meet the guy in town before he came home (he lives out in the boonies), I knew he was lying, it was a gut feeling. He came home and I just couldn't let it go, I knew he had been out there and I was determined to get him to admit it. I told him over and over again, to please tell me because I didn't wanna find out another way. He was so adamant about saying he worked that whole time. So, I in a a sneaky way asked his friend that lived out in BFE if he was out there Friday - and he told me yes. I KNEW IT! He didn't mean to rat him out but he did. I called him out, told him I knew he was lying and he came clean. I have SOOO many issues with this because I already don't trust him for no good reason and then he lies? He knew I had these issues. He used to lie to his ex gf all the time bc she didn't want to let him go out and do things. He would say he was working when he really wasn't. He promised he would never ever do that to me. I knew when his work buddy started having relationship problems and started lying to his girlfriend that it would cause Robbie and I problems too. He said he's very sorry and he'll never do it again and said he has never has done it before but how can I believe that? I'm so angry and I just feel confused. I've told him if he would make the time with me count I wouldn't try to keep him home but we have had NO quality time since his stupid out of state job has been done. What can I do? Any advice? Get over it?

[Cheetarah]

It wasn't until you knew about it that you asked him to stay home; While I can understand wanting to spend quality time with him, I think it'd be a good idea to start arranging 'dates' so you two can spend some couples time together - Whether it be in home or out, even just for a few hours watching a movie together if his schedule is that hectic.

 

While I'm not saying it's ok that he lied, and I'd have an issue with that, I can also see why he did it at the same time. You say you wouldn't let it go and you were determined to get it out of him. When someone feels backed into a corner like that, chances are they're going to lie through it because they're intimidated by your reaction.

 

I have SOOO many issues with this because I already don't trust him for no good reason and then he lies? He knew I had these issues.

 

I think you're looking for stuff now to aide in this self-fulfilling prophecy of yours. He may know you have these issues, but it's also up to you to do your part of working through them.

 

So my advice again, would be to start making dates with each other. Having a nice dinner, watching a movie in home or out, etc. And take advantage of the time you two DO have apart by maybe finding some reading material on the internet about relationship trust, healing past trust issues, maybe buying some books and journaling.

[csr14]

I am working on the trust issues- I've scheduled a counseling session that's two weeks out. But he's aware I have these unwarranted (til now) trust issues and he lied and made things that much worse. I think your right, he did feel backed into a corner when I kept trying to get it out of him. In my defense I sat him down Saturday (an attempt to not be threatening) and I nicely said "Robbie, I know you went to (insert friends name here - I don't want to disclose)'s last night, I really wish you would just tell me, please don't make me figure it out myself." He didn't tell me - I guess the stupid little lie got bigger than him, but I guess it would have been better and easier to get past if he had came clean on his own. If he'll protect a little lie like that, what will he do to protect a big lie? That scares me too.

[lukeb]

Like you said the mistrust was already there before you caught him in this fairly small lie. What is the reason behind this lie? Probably that he preferred to spend time with his buddy than you, but that he didn't feel like getting into an argument about that. It does sort of look like you created this climate of tension and mistrust making him want to spend less time around you

[csr14]

Honestly, he was going out to his house to get weed from his friend for the guy who is going through the breakup.

[mhowe]

If he has told you he has plans, and to try to "guilt" him into being with you --- and then he lies about what he does....

 

It is because he stuck to his original plans -- and you make it easier to agree w/ you, then lie to you --- then put up with the confrontation. You can ask someone to spend time w/ you --- you can't force it.

 

And you started mistrusting him from your own baggage -- that is on you, not him. If you want someone to commit to telling you the truth, then you have to commit to not over reacting.

[DN]

People lie in these situations because it's easier than telling the truth. You need to think about that.

[pippy longstocking]

I felt suffocated by you just reading that thread ..

 

you where looking for it ...you went out your way to find it ..

 

 

Honestly, he was going out to his house to get weed from his friend for the guy who is going through the breakup.

 

so was that the lie ..I got a bit confused with the lie , have you a problem with him scoring for his friend ?

[csr14]

And I've asked him to do nothing to fix my "baggage" other than not lie to me. I would rather him say **** you I'm going to so and so's than lie. I have always been clear about that. The thing was - I actually thought he was going to go to his friends house - then he took the incentive to call and say hey I'm just meeting him in town - which he says was the plan, then it got changed again bc his friend got off work early. He said he didn't want to change it on me again bc he knew I'd get mad and knew it was no harm no fowl to just run out there to his house, which it wasn't. Yes I would have been irritated but there have been plenty times I've told him the truth and irritated him verses leaving him ignorantly happy. This lie isn't a big deal - and yes I need to loosen up a little but I fear there are other lies that have been told and fear others will be told. He blamed his lie on his ex fiance because she never let him out of the house. Probably the thing that kills me the most is my mother has been suspicious that he wasn't working as much as he said and I defended him bc although I didn't trust him totally, I did think he was being honest. Moms are always right. ugh.

[mhowe]

moms are not always right. And I think, since you "caused" the lie --- or created an environment where he thought it was necessary, that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your history cannot be placed at his feet.

 

And to say "yes, I would have been irratated" --- well, you have the reason he lies to you.

[csr14]

I am not thrilled with the idea but it was a one time thing, definitely didn't feel good that he lied to me for someone elses benefit, but it was mainly the idea that he lied, not what he lied about. The truth was that he went to this guys house and got off at like 4 vs the lie which is what he told me and that was that he got off at 6, met this guy and then came home. If nothing else it just complicates things- I take care of all our bills and his paycheck always seems a little skinny for the hours he "works". I thought that his company was cheating him but now I can't help but wonder if all those times, he was lying and wasn't at work. I hate that he feels like he has to do that. I have asked him if he could make time count with us a little more, that I wouldn't get so upset about him going to his friends if time with him was a little more quality

[mhowe]

You are looking for ways to mistrust him --- quite possibly taxes, healthcare etc. is being taken from his paycheck. That he "allows" you to take care of the bills should show you he has nothing to hide.

 

He was 2 hrs later than he said? That is what this is all about? And he lied because he was avoiding a confrontation w/ you!

[csr14]

So I'm wrong bc I caught him? This information is not helping me. Yes I believe I have some responsibility in this but he still lied, I need help getting past this and trusting that it won't happen again. And while I realize I need to do some things to help him not lie in the future, I still won't know. I need help not being hyper vigilant against his words from this point forward.

[csr14]

Yes, a petty lie. We've established that. Most days there would be no confrontation, but given the timing and circumstances there were.

[csr14]

And I don't need a reason to mistrust him, he lied to me. I have a reason. I've been looking for a reason and a way to trust him up until now, thats why I was going to go to counseling.

[DN]

If you continue like this you are going to lose this guy. He lied because he doesn't need the confrontation. He will soon realise the best way to avoid confrontation is to exit the relationship. Any time he does anything you don't like you are going to lay all the problems of previous relationships at his feet - who needs that?

[csr14]

As you continue to tell me things that do not help me. I am trying to fix my issues - which the fixing has been hindered because of the lie that I according to the information I"ve received I had no right to catch him in.

[csr14]

So what I gather from this - which really nothing I've been told will help me move past it but I gather that, If I loosen up and respond non-confrontationally when he's doing something I don't necessarily like he's more likely to tell the truth? What if he doesnt, and how can I trust it's the truth? As far as my faith and trust in him should I act like this didn't happen because he was driven to lie? Was he 100 percent justified?

[Cheetarah]

If you have irrational trust issues to begin with(you said you've had them with him despite him giving you no reason), then what would make you think helping to get past it would be this simple? It goes deeper than that. Which is why it's a really good thing you have a counseling session set up.

 

How could any of us tell you whether to trust if it's the truth? You give them the benefit of the doubt and extend your faith. It's not realistic nor healthy in any manner whatsoever to constantly be wondering "what if..." "why..." "what about THIS?". No one ever knows with 100% certainty whether they're being lied to or told the truth. You'll never know that, and if you try to you'll drive yourself absolutely batty. It's also not realistic to expect someone to NEVER tell a lie. It's just not.

 

If he has prior plans, then say "Ok, babe. I would really enjoy spending some time together, how does doing ABC on XYZ day sound?" Then after you've had your nice night together and you're both in a comfortable and relaxed state of mind, tell him how much you've enjoyed your night and you would really like to be able to have this together more often. People don't respond to "If you weren't away so much I wouldn't try to keep you home"(or something of the sort). They respond to example and positive reinforcement.

 

You have to create an environment in which speaking honestly and telling the truth not only doesn't backfire, but it's welcomed. This is STILL no guarantee that a person won't lie or stretch the truth, but they're far more liable to speak honestly with you if you aren't sticking them under the interrogation lamp. I think you need to simply accept that there's no way in hell you'll ever know if this will 'never happen again' - But you can definitely help to make it feel safe to speak frankly with you.

[mhowe]

He wasn't justified -- he could have told you up front what he was doing. But yes, if he does something you don't like, you get to voice (not rant) your dislike, and drop it. You are his gf, not his mother. If he feels that telling you the truth does not turn into a confrontation, he is more likely to tell it.

 

Because that is what trust is. He hasn't lied before, he has you "paying the bills" --- you have faith in him until he proves it wrong.

 

You don't want to move past it. Because it isn't like he wasn't home by 6pm --- instead of 4 --- you snuck behind his back because you knew he was going to do what he had originally said. Again -- you have manufactured this "issue".

 

Trust him. Ask him --- don't confront. A discussion will get you much further than a confrontation -- which he will want to avoid.

[csr14]

I think that would definitely help. I know he loves me and doesn't wanna hurt me and really I guess it's not that big of a deal that he lied. I'm super confrontational - especially when I get my mind set. I've been talking to his sister about it and she's made me realize some things about him that never really registered in my mind. His dad is very confrontational and even as an adult he avoids it at all cost. Like smoking cigarettes? He hides it, his dad knows he does it but never says anything until he physically sees a pack so he keeps the packs hidden so he doesn't have to hear his dad gripe. He grew up in a house full of confrontation and yelling and *****ing so I can understand why he doesn't want to be in an environment like that. I guess I just want to reasonably believe what he tells me is the truth but I can't control his actions. I can only control my own.

[mhowe]

YES. And if you know of his past --- and that he is avoidant of conflict --- then strive to make your relationship non-confrontational.

 

My bf grew up in a similar household....and I listen to him, speak to him ---not at him...no yelling, no going silent. Treat him as you wish to be treated --- and stop being "super confrontational".

[csr14]

Its gonna be a tricky one - when I get mad or I think someone is being deceitful I'll jump up and immediately address the issue. I don't yell or anything but I"m very eager to solve a problem, even if I don't go about it the right way. I've gotta train myself to keep my mouth shut until I can enter the conversation in a non threatening way.

[mhowe]

Then when you are talking w/ your therapist about trust issues, tell him/her you have anger management issues as well!

 

Learn to cool off before you pounce. There is nothing that a short period of silence won't help.

[Glowguy]

I think the real problem is that you didn't trust him to begin with. Personally I think this is a harmless white lie. You were making it difficult to see his friend. I'm still not even clear on how he was deceiving you as he told you he was planning to meet his friend. Do you think you are using this to validate your insecurity? Try to let this go if you can otherwise it's only going to snowball and ultimately destroy your relationship.