Advice from someone who has been divorced? Dating and divorce.

[RedDress]

For going on quite a while now (8 months?), I have been dating a man in the process of going through a very contentious divorce. Now... I know, I know… you aren’t supposed to do that… but there are exceptions to every rule, right? I guess I’ve always had to figure things out the hard way.

 

He was a great guy. He was legally separated/the divorce papers were filed (by her) months before we even met. His wife had cheated on him several times throughout several years… there were false allegations of domestic violence… there was NO way that this relationship was going to get back together. So – I don’t feel like a home wrecker in any way… My friends loved him. His friends and family loved me. We were really a great match… tons in common… lots of fun… I really thought I had met someone significant.

 

The problem? Well… he was going through a divorce! I really think his soon-to-be ex-wife is mentally unstable. She would send him texts and emails telling him to pick up his tools at the house by X date or she’s throwing them out… and then when he did (when she wasn’t home to avoid confrontation), she would send a letter via her lawyer to “suggest” that he stay away from the house, for example. It’s one thing after another. Every few weeks she comes up with something new. Totaling the car (the insurance company wrote it off - the insurance was in his name). Destroying (big massive holes) in the house. Games with visitation with the kids, etc. I imagine (hope!) that the justice system will work, the judge will see what’s going on and react (months from now when there actually is a court case because her lawyer keeps delaying and delaying and delaying… it’s been a year and a half now… )… but… what can you do? I’ve been trying to be supportive.

 

In the end, though… I’ve discovered that – non-maliciously – that’s what it was. ME being supportive. I complained here and there because I often didn’t feel we had enough time together… but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when *I* needed someone. Nothing big. I had a condo up for sale and I received an offer (less than I would have liked). I tried calling him to discuss. Not that I needed him to make any decisions, but I needed someone to bounce things off of. Yanno… talk it out. He completely blew me off. He had had a bad day that day… more divorce drama… and he couldn’t find the emotional energy to talk to me about my stuff (the first time I had even HAD “stuff”). Of course, I had 24 hours to make my decision, so I turned to both a friend and family member to work it through. It hit me hard, though… why do I have a partner if I can’t debate important life things with? Why was I always there for him and he was not there for me?? It cut deep.

 

So… we broke up. I understand that he has a lot going on…but I want and need a partner. He understands I want time and attention… but he has a lot going on and he isn’t always able to give that to me.

 

Anyways… I don’t really want to be chastised for the “morality” of dating a separated man… I don’t feel it was immoral, nor do his parents, his brothers, my friends, etc. That relationship was over long before I arrived and now it’s just a legal battle. But… I guess the question is… where do we go from here?

 

He wants to remain friends. Normally I don’t believe in being friends with exes because it’s just an added layer of complexity… but… maybe we should? I genuinely understand that he is going through a lot but… is that an excuse?

 

Was he a dolt – regardless of his circumstances – and I should just be cutting him off? Am I being too needy expecting him to talk to me when this thing that I considered important to me but may not be important to him came up? Should we be friends and pick things back up when the divorce is finally over (this could take years)?

 

I guess I’m looking for advice from people who have been there (divorced) – not necessarily the “canned” advice… What was divorce like? Can you empathize with his plight? Or is it an excuse? Where should I/we go from here? I truly love him but I can't be in a relationship that's not a relationship... don't I deserve a partner and support too?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have never been married and therefore never divorced...but I will say that if someone has time enough to start a relationship with someone while going through a divorce...if they have time and energy enough to have sex with the person they are seeing...then they most certainly have the time and energy to spend a half hour on the phone being someone to bounce ideas off of during an important time in their new partner's life. So not only was this guy not being a good partner...he wasn't even being a good friend! If you choose to be friends with him then what benefits will you really get from it...you still won't have someone to bounce ideas off of because he will still be wrapped up in himself and his life.

[RedDress]

I agree, CAD. That's exactly how I feel. You are right that I don't even feel like he was a good friend in that moment... and how can expect anything other than more of the same?

 

On the flip side, I do get that his ex is crazy and he's going through a difficult time. Does my need in that moment trump his need in that moment (to have 'alone' time?).

 

Ugh. I really, really loved this guy. We were so great together! But how is that useful if he can't even be a good friend? Not that people ALWAYS have to be useful (if you know what I mean)... but... maybe just when you need them to be?

[lavenderdove]

Divorce is an incredibly draining, exhausting, upsetting, depressing, enraging, heartbreaking, terrifying time. And if you have someone fighting you and trying to make it as hard as possible, or two extremely strong willed people, neither of whom will negotiate and treat the other with respect, it can be never ending torture for years.

 

The other thing is, are you sure he is telling the truth about why she is so angry? I've known people who say their marriage broke up because their spouse cheated, when the reality was the shoe was on the other foot and the person was lying. And there is always a chance he DID abuse her, and he won't admit that to you.

 

So there are two sides to every story.

 

But regardless of what is going on with them, most people going thru a divorce are very damaged and upset and stressed out at the time it is happening and really shouldn't be dating. And most are messed up for at least a year or two after the divorce is over with, sometimes even longer.

 

So it isn't about 'morals' that people caution you not to date someone who is divorcing, it is because the person in the midst of the divorce still has unfinished business with the ex, and it is a devastating and drama filled time. The person going thru the divorce just isn't emotionally available because all their emotional energy is going into dealing with all the trauma of a divorce.

 

I am divorced, and our divorce was relatively peaceful and uncontested as divorces go with no children involved, and it still totally devastated me and messed with my head for a long long time afterwards. So how he is behaving really isn't unusual at all during a divorce, and it is a bit of an unrealistic expectation on your part for you to think he will be emotionally available and ready for a new partnership when he was just months out of a marriage and still trying to break free of the the emotional, financial and legal bonds of the old one.

 

My suggestion would be that if you really think he is right for you, to keep dating him, but don't expect too much of him emotionally during this time. It is a risk you take as to whether he will ALWAYS be emotionally unavailable because of who he is, or whether he will eventually get past this and be fine and still want to be with you.

 

One caution though is that some men will latch onto another women fairly quickly to help get them thrr the horrible time of a divorce (and to meet their sexual needs), but once they get thru the divorce, they may think, 'hey, i just got out of a marriage and i don't want to jump at the first woman i met afterwards and get into another one, what was i thinking!' So you might get dumped after the divorce is final and he will start dating other woman before settling down again many years down the road. That is another risk with dating separated men, that you were just a port in the storm, and once the storm is over, they sail into the sunset and to sunnier shores.

 

And if they do keep you, if the divorce was really bitter, they may NEVER want to marry again because it was so awful, and just have a series of relationships and break up whenever the woman demands marriage and move on to another one, so serial monogamy rather than re-marriage.

 

So there are lots of risks involved, and you have to evaluate whether you think it might be worth it to you to stick around or not. Every case is different so no predicting it.

[crosbyfan]

Been there - done that - went to heck and back - am now incredibly happily married to the man, but it was an extremely rough and bumpy road to get to this point. You have to be ready for it to get worse before it gets better.

 

In my situation, my now husband had been seperated for five years, divorced for a couple of years when I met him, but he and his ex were still battling in the courts over financial issues. In fact their case went all the way to the supreme court - the amount that was spent in lawyer fees would make you shudder. Same situation, very, very bitter split. My husband had full custody of his kids, plus was working as very high level executive and was fighting for his financial life in the courts. He was exhausted, disillusioned and rather over whelmed. In the early days of our dating he had very little to give to me time and emotion wise.

 

No, it wasn't fair that your ex didn't have time to help you with your issue, but I'm not surprised. These kinds of battles are immensely time consuming and totally sap the energy from a person.

 

Luckily in our case the courts ruled in my husband (then boyfriend's) favour about eight months after we started dating. Keep in mind though that it took about NINE YEARS for it to reach that point. Even then, you're still tied to the ex wife through the kids, so she's a very real presence in your relationship. We spent years trying to keep her from impacting our lives with her bitterness.

 

Years, after the case ended and years after we have been married, the ex wife tried to reopen everything again! We've spent months and lots more dollars trying to get things settled - it's simply an ongoing battle that may never end and it's exhausting.

 

Yes, I've lived happily ever after, but I don't think I would ever advise anyone to go through it. I certainly wouldnt go through it as friend hoping for it to change back to a relationship eventually. This battle will never end and you could just be collatoral damage.

[RedDress]

Wow - thanks lavender and crosby! I was a little worried about writing this post for fear of getting "canned" responses... but those were some very well thought out and insightful points. Thank you so much for that - it is truly helpful.

 

Lavender - you are right that I only know one side of the story. Without going into all of the details, I've seen mounds of paperwork and heard from tons of people and I am convinced that I have a good grasp of the truth. Sometimes he is a little "skewed" in his views - but on the whole, I don't believe the allegations of abuse (she basically admitted to the police that they were false) and I've heard many reports of her cheating ways (not just his). She was very vocal about it at the time...

 

Crosby - I understand why you would not advise others to go through it. It has certainly been hard and... gawd... NINE years! I almost fell off my couch. I can totally see this going this way.

 

I think I did the right thing breaking it off. I think you are all right that he is not emotionally available for a relationship right now... and yeah... the "port in the storm" thing... ick.

 

I wish I had a crystal ball...

[mines]

You're right, you were there for him. . . . . and when you needed a friend, some advice, support, he wasn't there for you : (

 

Despite what he's going through, hey, we all have issues, problems, situations. Not many of us lead "cupcake lives". If he can't be there for you while you bounce a situation off him, seriously......? At this point, he's not even a friend. Friends help each other out, we listen, even when we are busy or have things going on. If he can't even be a friend for you, it's sad, but you deserve better.

 

I hope things work out for you, I wish you the best.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think crystal balls are highly over-rated! Sometimes it is best not to know the future!

 

I also think you did the right thing breaking it off. The friends thing is very tricky when you have feelings for someone. Aside from the fact that you probably won't be able to count on him to be there for you when you need support, I think it will be very frustrating for you to remain his friend while you still have feelings for him as your hopefullness for the future with him will prevent you from meeting someone else who is indeed emotionally available and would put in the effort to be there for you.

[RedDress]

HA! CAD, you are probably right... maybe it's better not knowing.

 

When you boil it down, it's probably no different than any other breakup. For whatever reason, he can't give me what I need right now and I'm not wrong for wanting or needing those things. It's just the same "not wanting to let go" because I feel I truly feel I found something special. It's waiting for change - only, instead of wanting him to change, it's a warped wanting her (some lady I've never met) to change and let things go so that he can be free to be with me.

 

In my heart I know the answer. I know waiting is never good. You are waiting and... who knows what could arrive! Whatever you are waiting for could never arrive or when it DOES arrive, it can be completely different than you thought it would be...

 

Ok... maybe a crystal ball is a bad idea. Maybe what I really want is the ability to "tag" all the broken men I've dated so that somehow when they fix themselves, they come back. LOL! Or maybe that's the subject of another post. "Why does RedDress date broken men?". Sigh.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think there are a lot of broken people out there in one way or another...either they have their own inherent emotional problems or they developed because of being hurt in the dating/relationship world. Waiting for someone to get their act together is usually as fruitful as waiting for Godot...the famous play where two people wait and wait for a person named Godot who never shows up.

[sodizzy]

I think he should have been there for you - divorce or not - he was your partner. You were exclusive and you know you've been there through him through his hard times. That's what this story is about. Leaving him for the time being - probably a good idea. The friend thing? I dunno. Might lead to something more down the road. You should decide if you want to go through with that or are you okay with it ending up in another relationship later. He should make time for you especially with a big decision looming.

 

My boyfriend is has been separated for 2 years. (Couldn't divorce because they both left the state and had to establish residency and then when her new boyfriend left her - they left that state and came back here and have to establish residency AGAIN.) They got along with ups and downs before he met me. Since we've been together - she's made his life hell. If she knows we're together- she will think of any reason to fight with him. I just wrote him today and said 'Listen if your plan is to fight with her - let me know. I'll make other plans for the evening. Not because I don't want to be there but because if you're fighting with her - you're not really spending time with me anyway and my time is precious too.'

 

If your Ex is like my boyfriend - he hates confrontation. The thought of going to court and duking it out for the kids and child support puts so much stress and anxiety on him - especially when you're dealing with a bitter ex-wife. That's a lot to put on a man but it's also a lot to put on his girlfriend who gets the clean up the aftermath of a fight. I believe what everyone told me when they said 'Don't get involved until his divorce is final.' I've learned that lesson and only touched the tip of the iceburg. We have a long journey in front of us. My dissolution - simple, easy, we agree, and sign on the dotted line His is becoming a psychotic nightmare.

 

As for the 'are you sure he didn't cheat? Why would she be so upset if SHE Cheated?' Well my boyfriends ex wife left him for someone else and that guy ended up LEAVING HER so once she realized what she lost in my boyfriend - and he found someone (me) who found him irresistible - that was IT! She was so mad she was seeing red. It definitely can happen that way.