We broke up because of financial issues .... should we still date casually???

[Kalika]

Just looking for some advice on this...

 

My boyfriend of 2 years and I just broke up. He has some serious financial issues and they probably won't be resolved for years. We recently got into a huge argument and long story short, I told him I think we should end it. I am upset/resentful that I have been more or less supporting us, and my son, for the last 2 years. He has been working but not paying me anything to help out with bills or groceries. The agreement was that he was going to use the money instead to start paying off his student loans. He has not even started paying them off despite living rent free for months now. He has a total debt, including student loans and an upcoming foreclosure or short sale of his house, of about $250K. The bank is taking their sweet time short selling his property. He has literally not paid his mortgage in years and they still haven't taken it away from him. The bank has told him that he qualifies for a program where if he short sells the house, they can't come after him for the balance he owes on the house. It will show up on his credit report, but he won't owe back hundreds of thousands of dollars on the house. He owes back about $22K in student loans, nothing extreme, but I want him to start paying it back so that hopefully when his house finally gets short saled, he can move on and start rebuilding his credit.

 

I literally have 0 debt at this point and am ready for marriage financially and emotionally. In every other way he is completely perfect for me, and we love each other madly, but the financial problems are killing us. I am a single parent and do not want to be with someone who can't hold his own financially. I should note that he got into this debt because he was helping his parents who were struggling terribly financially, not from overspending. He was doing fine with his mortgage and credit until he took out an equity loan on his house to help them out financially when their business was going under. Other than this issue, he is actually careful with this spending.

 

Any time I think about a future with him, I have to force the thought out of my head, because he is simply not ready and will not be for years. I want to marry him so badly and just be with him, be partners with him, start our lives together. Right now I feel like he was just "hanging out" at my house for 2 years. We are not really partners or a recognized unit. He has moved out and I have been avoiding his calls/texts as much as possible but he still texts me every morning and every night, telling me he loves me, trying to show up here. He is having a very hard time with being apart as we were almost always together during our free time. He tells me I am the love of his life. I understand this to be true since he is mine as well.

 

I think asking him to move out was a good decision, and he finally understands that we do need to step back a bit in our relationship - but he wants to keep seeing me, without staying over at my house .. just going on dates, movies, hanging out together, etc. He calls and texts me throughout the day whether I respond or not, telling me he loves me, misses me, what he's doing. I miss him terribly but I don't know if I should just break things off 100% once and for all, knowing that his issues won't go away for a long time, or should I allow myself to continue dating him, seeing him a few times a week, etc... which may just make things harder for me to maybe meet someone else and move on with my life.

 

Thoughts .... ??

[Firiel]

I think that if you want to have a serious, long-term relationship with someone within the next 3-5 years, you should not date him casually. Dating an ex-SO of two years "casually" will be nearly impossible and will significantly hinder your ability to move on and find someone who can hold their own financially in a relationship.

[abitbroken]

Is this the guy who wanted you to get rid of your cats (and now i read you support him??? really? Then he had no say in the sofa or the cats). I would say that you did yourself a favor. You don't necessarily need a man to support you, but a man who can take care of HIMSELF first before getting involved with anyone.

 

As far as the money - i was with an ex who had troubles with money and they didn't end. Once they did - he did it again. The parents didn't need help with a business. its throwing good money after bad if the business is unprofitable. It is one thing to buy bags of groceries for them, but not to help in their bad choices. Also, there are business loans, etc. It is one thing if he had a 20K savings account and offered to give them $5k as long as it was treated like a loan once they were profitable, but to take out a loan on his primary residence so he might lose his house was bad judgement.

 

Even if he did do this, he apparently doesn't have a job if he is not putting money to his day to day living first and then debt second.

 

Unfortunately, money breaks up marriages and it might have broken up yours. It doesn't matter if you are ready to wed -it has to be both.

 

I think that you treated finances like you were married already, IMHO.

 

I would advise you to find these things up front next time, and then not let anyone live with your child until you are sure they are marriage material and you have real plans to marry.

[penelope13]

You already decided that he is not the right partner for you in his current state. Thus, if you are looking to find someone to marry and settle down with - he is not the one and you should move on to find someone more suitable.

 

If you stay with him and wait for him to maybe one day become the man you hope for - what was the point in breaking up with him? You will still wait for him, not having the opportunity to meet someone else, yet still no guarantee that he will change in the future. You might as well have a relationship with him if you are not considering anyone else a chance.

[Ms Darcy]

It is the normal withdrawal of a break up. He is using you to get over you, basically.

 

I think it best for you to cut it off for now.

 

If you actually want to remarry, then I would pretty much cut it off until you feel you are over him and can start dating others.

[abitbroken]

I agree with the other posters. You are looking for a marriage partner, not a fun guy to date.