AltheaGrace Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 A little over a month ago my boyfriend had a surgery on his back to help his chronic back pain. He was never a healthy person and there was a risk that his heart wouldn't be able to handle it but the risks were low and he was lighthearted about the whole thing. He said he would call me from the hospital as soon as he could talk to me. I couldn't visit him because at that point we were long distance and that was a huge source of pain for us both. I was going to move closer to him within the year and we were going to get married in two years. He was older than me but that didn't bother me at all and I loved how wise he was and how committed to me he was and I could always depend on him and trust him. We were both Christians and we believed in loving each other unconditionally. We would talk on the phone for hours and hours and he told me he loved me every single day either over the phone or by email and he wanted to know every detail of my life and he knew me better than anyone ever has. I remember the first time I had to leave him when I visited him I broke down several times and he had to hold me in his arms to get me to calm down. He lived an isolated life at that time because he was injured from a spinal birth defect, and he hoped the surgery would improve things. I knew something was wrong when I called his mom and she told me he was in severe pain and couldn't talk. He had a huge pain tolerance and that scared me. I told her to tell him I loved him and I heard him in the background shouting at her to say that he loved me too and she relayed the message but I could tell she was shaken by how much pain he was in. That was the last time I heard his voice. The next morning I woke up to my phone ringing. It was his mother, and she told me that she was very sorry but Joseph died in his sleep last night. I suddenly felt like a young child all alone and confused and I was in a complete daze and asked her if she was serious a couple of times. She said she was sorry because he said multiple times that I was his soulmate and she knew he loved me. I was alone at the time and I remember clinging to the banister at the top of the stairs sobbing and saying "you told me you would never leave me" and "you told me everything would be ok" and I had a feeling he was listening to me but he probably wasn't. I somehow ended up in my dad's arms and he comforted me just as he did when I was sick as a child. I sobbed off and on for over a week. I couldn't eat and I lost four pounds in one week, and I still feel sick at times. I began to get muscle aches and I felt tired all the time. I went to the funeral and seeing the urn made me face reality again and I completely lost it. Like an idiot I read some of his emails today and I backslid and have been crying all day just when I was feeling like myself again. Joseph was the one who used to comfort me and he is gone I am 24 and I feel like my life should be over now and I feel like I aged five years in the past month. I feel so alone. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. There are many people on these boards who will be able to help you through this time. Do you have a good support system in real life? Friends, family, etc...? Link to comment
DN Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I am so sorry you lost Joseph and can see why you are so devastated. It is very hard to be comforted at a time like this but the old cliché that time is a great healer is true. Joseph will always be with you in a corner of your heart but I am sure that he loved you enough to want you to heal and, in time, be happy and to live your life. Link to comment
emgj1984 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 That happened to me 2 years ago on 26th June. It was different as was more sudden (no illness) and I was in the accident with him. Due to the head injury (like 50 first dates, that movie, my family couldn't tell me he was dead for a while). At first there was a lot of denial, but eventually I accepted it (after trying to call him a lot etc)... I know how it feels. You have to remember that he loves you and always will. How many people get a gift like that? A relationship that never goes bad, something you can always hold in your heart. It will get easier, I promise, and no, it'll never leave you alone (he won't). It's good to share how you feel with lots of people and even hear other people's sad stories, gives you some perspective i.e. everyone loses someone! Keep being strong, and I think it's actually good for you to read back old emails/texts/love letters; it has to be done sometime. (I just gave my old phone to someone else and re-read those texts and it made me smile). You can make a book of stuff i.e. photos and emails/texts, it will help. Thinking of you.... Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Oh, honey....I am so sorry for your loss. The anger that you have for Joseph leaving you is normal. It is part of the grieving process. This lifechanging event happened so unexpectedly that it is a tremendous blow to your system. I suggest that you consult with your physician and explain the circumstances. Your loss of sleep and appetitie is something that the doctor can assist you with during this rough time. Also, please keep in touch with us on this site. You will find many caring people here. This is something that you will never get over, but you will get through it. So please don't despair. Take each day at a time....chi Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I am so sorry , what a very sad thing to happen ..I wish I could find something to say my love . god bless joseph , he will always walk with you xxxxxx Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Thank you so much all of you for your responses, it really helps me to talk about this. redrose85, I have a support system and still live with my family and that has been a huge comfort, especially since I still have trouble being alone. But I miss having a relationship with another person that is exclusive and special in that way. Before I didn't know what I was missing and now I do, but still I wouldn't change things if I could turn back time. I didn't mention this before but I am bipolar and I think that is why I have so much trouble with these emotions. I was diagnosed last year because my down swings made me so depressed. But I am on medication now and without it I don't know what I would have done. Joseph was the one that urged me to go to the psychiatrist and that makes me sad and happy at the same time because it reminds me how much he cared for me and how much I miss him but it also reminds me how blessed I was to have him in my life for that short amount of time. I hate this because this feeling is so bittersweet and it is so painful emgj1984, thank you for telling me your story and I understand that feeling of the relationship never going bad and it is a terrible sense of closure but I know exactly what you mean. I was never rejected by him and we loved each other as long as we possibly could. I have gone through so many stages of denial and the reality of this has hit me in waves and just when I think it is over I get hit again by how much I lost and I hope it gets better with time as a lot of you said it will. I know it will, but it is the times I am alone with my thoughts that I hate now and every day is a struggle. I put away all the things he gave me and I think I will save some things in a box for when I am ready to look at them because I think I will regret getting rid of everything. I just can't decide what is hanging on too much and what is normal, and I used to do little things just for him like watching his favorite movies so I could talk about them with him but now all that stuff is pointless and I don't know who I am anymore if that makes sense because he was so much a part of me. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 didn't mention this before but I am bipolar and I think that is why I have so much trouble with these emotions. These emotions are NORMAL in this situation - feeling regret, sadness, devastation, anger, denial - everyone feels that - bipolar or not. Link to comment
emgj1984 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I know this sounds obvious but you need to make your own things to do. As for movies... go onto link removed and go to a movie he liked and it gives you suggestions of similar ones, i think, as does amazon with what other customers purchased. Get a journal and write stuff down even what you would say to him.... Thinking of you... X Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 I like the journal idea a lot. I guess there were so many things I did to make him happy that you do in relationships and when I cut those things out there is so much emptiness left behind, but I have been reading these forums and I keep seeing things that are exactly like what I am feeling and it is sad but I am glad everything is normal and natural to go through even though I wish none of us had to When I first met Joseph I thought he looked like a teddy bear but I never told him this because he was a power lifter before his back got bad and I know he liked to think of himself as that way still and looking very manly so I would affirm him in that. He was overweight and self conscious but I didn't care in the least, I loved the way he looked. I never had the heart to tell him he looked like a happy smiling teddy bear, and he had a very sweet smile and I miss that. Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 My worst fear is that years from now I will date again and be rejected after falling in love with someone else. I don't know where this fear is coming from, and why I automatically demonize everyone but Joseph. I never used to have trouble trusting people and I got lucky with him, he was my first boyfriend so I have never been rejected before. I don't know why I even latched onto this idea because I obviously won't be dating again for a long time if ever. I had my future all planned out and now everything is so uncertain and it is driving me insane and I get panicky sometimes not having his love there to support me. I don't know how I became so needy and I suppose this is the part where I become stronger on my own but I am moving so slowly with this, it seems impossible. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 You need this time to lick your wounds, so to speak. Fortunately, you are still young and with that comes plenty of opportunity for you to heal and yes, even be in a loving relationship with another man.. I know that you cannot forsee this possibility at this time, but it is true. As I stated before, the best approach to this situation is to simply take one day at a time and don't try to predict the future. The future will take care of itself. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and don't be hard on yourself. You have suffered a severe blow, but you will recover with time. Time is the great healer.... Link to comment
C L Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 Oh, this is such a sad story. I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel. But to loose an irreplaceable person, a cornerstone figure in one’s life, is soul-wrenching. I know. And so, all I can say is this: The significant people who come into our lives, come for a reason. Some teach us a lesson, some guide us when we need direction, and some give us the gift of love and friendship. They may stay for just a season, or for years; few will stay for a lifetime. But the duration isn’t what matters most. It’s how much their presence meant to us that counts at the end of the day. You appeared to have played a great role in Joseph’s life, and it seems you were there in his very final thoughts. Evidently, you were invaluable to him, and he treasured the bond you shared. To know that you made his life so much better is humbling, and I hope, faintly comforting. It’s tragic that your friendship couldn’t last longer, but it sounds like you had the type of love that memorable stories are made of. Such friendships are priceless, and I suspect both of you gained a lot from it. Not everyone gets the chance to experience that. And in the end, you parted on the very best of terms. That’s something special. Your sad narrative brings to mind a famous saying. Despite the crushing pain you must be suffering, I can’t help but think that this was an instance where, “it was better to have loved and lost him, than to have never loved him at all.” Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 You need this time to lick your wounds, so to speak. Fortunately, you are still young and with that comes plenty of opportunity for you to heal and yes, even be in a loving relationship with another man.. I know that you cannot forsee this possibility at this time, but it is true. As I stated before, the best approach to this situation is to simply take one day at a time and don't try to predict the future. The future will take care of itself. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and don't be hard on yourself. You have suffered a severe blow, but you will recover with time. Time is the great healer.... Thank you for this chi, maybe I am trying to predict the future too much. I hate not knowing what is going to happen, but that worry takes a toll on me and I think it is adding to the grief I already have. Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 CL - His mother told me that I made his last days happy, and that is a huge comfort. I had never had a friend like him before and to be honest I wouldn't change anything if I could turn back time, I just wish there wasn't such a big price to pay for loving someone. But as you said, it is better to have loved him than to never have loved him at all. Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 I just can't forget how he died, it haunts me. I wish I could have said goodbye, and I hate that we were long distance while this happened. I would cry and cry because I missed him so much and then he was gone, and the pain got a hundred times worse. I would tell him I missed him over the phone and I usually had trouble getting the words out because the whole thing was so painful, and I know how lonely he was in his apartment. He hated getting off the phone with me, and I would lie on my bed talking to him wishing I could magically reach him and then he was cut off from me forever. Link to comment
hadronznight Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I'm so, so sorry for your loss Link to comment
AltheaGrace Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 I met someone new. I can't believe this, I didn't think this would happen for a few years at least, but it did. I marvel every day about how and why we met. His girlfriend died years ago, he knows exactly how I felt back then and we started talking because we shared that bit of pain. I knew I was ready to start over but I felt ashamed, like I was moving on too soon, but I spoke to other people that have gone through what I went through and they said if I am ready, I am ready. I just .... I never thought the pain would go away, that crippling pain, but I see my life beginning again with this new love who is so gentle with my emotions and so proud that I made it through my tragedy. He knows what it is like and the strength it takes to get through it all. When I am with him I don't think about it, I think about our relationship, but we are so attached to each other because of the pain in our past. I savor every moment and he does too. I thought I would share my unique experience with my new boyfriend with you, but apart from that, I got through it and you can too. I contemplated suicide after I got that terrible phone call but I resisted. Death of a loved one changes you forever, but it gets better. Link to comment
ZhaoZilong5 Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I see some red flags here, be careful. Your gut is telling you that this might be too soon for good reason. The quick attachment because of your past tragedies is also concerning to me. Just be careful that you two aren't rebounding off of each other or subconsciously using each other to move on. Take things slowly. Yes, when you're with him, you don't think about Joseph, but once the honeymoon phase dies down and the attachment becomes more real, those rose-tinted glasses might disappear, and you might end up having doubts. I hope that doesn't happen, so I'm urging you to continue with this very, very slowly. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Just be careful that you are just not trying to recreate that magic once again with each other. Don't use each other to get over your looses as you both need to work through it. Link to comment
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