Sexually Not Attracted to Fiancee

[blueidealist24]

She LOVES him BUT IS NOT IN LOVE HIM.

 

Come on.

 

It's not about the sex. She's not attracted to WAY HE LOOKS.

 

Actually, she is. She says he's good looking and has a good physique. The only problem is the sex. She doesn't think ewwww when she sees him.

[poetryandlyrics]

When you are in love, you don't mind having sex with your partner or question about your sexual attraction to your partner.

 

Since I just saw the OP's age post, how did she know that relationship takes work and it's a cycle of up and down?

 

That seems plain silly to me.

 

Anyway I need to get some rest. LOL It's 2 AM. I'll argue tomorrow.

 

Night ya'll!

 

She can over-analyze since he's her fiancee. A big step, y'know? And do not want to ruin things for him and for herself. And age doesn't mean a thing to understand every little detail. I'm fairly young (22) but do research, experienced things in life, even took a bunch (4-5) sex and gender classes. You can never know. It sounds like she is attracted to his looks but isn't sure sexually.

 

I'd suggest again, to try to spice things up sexually to get things back, to see if you can go back into the lust phase. And to stop over-analyzing.

[ThePinkAngel]

It is. I agree with him. I have a long term relationship that is going strong. We do talk about marriage and such. I did have a moment that I wondered of the attraction (though slightly different as I am a rape survivor (correcting this term for the proper mindset. not a victim but a survivor) and such and can blow things out of portions), I figured out it was a lust phase that can come and go after research on it (research on the internet, not on this). I love him to want to fix things. There is nothing wrong with us now. I am insanely attracted to him currently that I am currently wanting him over right now despite the fact he cannot.

 

To be honest and in order to get help from you guys I would confess that actually I've been molested many times in my teenage years and I've been raped too.

[poetryandlyrics]

To be honest and in order to get help from you guys I would confess that actually I've been molested many times in my teenage years and I've been raped too.

 

Then talk with a therapist about that issue with your fiancee and about the rape and the molestation. That's what I did and she helped me a lot. I will forever thank her for saving me and my relationship.

[ThePinkAngel]

The Seeker has a point but i don't want just to leave him. I wanna know what the problem is and solve it because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

[poetryandlyrics]

The Seeker has a point but i don't want just to leave him. I wanna know what the problem is and solve it because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

The only answer to this is: find a good therapist.

 

It can be hard to find a person that clicks that is a therapist. Found mine and she is amazing. Helped me tons.

 

And did tell me that it's only human to doubt as long we still love, care, and want to improve and do more (I don't doubt now). Take careful steps and find a therapist to work out your issues,

[ThePinkAngel]

Then talk with a therapist about that issue with your fiancee and about the rape and the molestation. That's what I did and she helped me a lot. I will forever thank her for saving me and my relationship.

 

I am thankful to know that there's someone with the same experience as mine. It's quite complicated. I consider the rape and molestation as another reason why. But i want to pin point the real problem. Should he consider changing his approach to me when it comes to sex? I don't know what to do.

[poetryandlyrics]

What do you mean by approach? You did mention he takes a different approach.

[abitbroken]

Maybe you are just into kink or risk. If you are (and DO NOT stop using contraceptives until you are married and both are on the same page of letting things happen naturally), then that is something you can talk about or you can suggest things sexually. go to different hotels, role play - etc, whatever. Also, sex every day is definitely not typical. I think the average is a few times a week.

 

Anyway what concerns me more is the "big fights before that could possibly end our relationships. Many times we had separated temporarily to have space." Do you really want to marry someone where there is such a communication breakdown that you need "space." I mean, it is okay to go take a walk or a bubble path or to retreat to your workshop or whatever to have cool off time, but actually leaving the house is not a good set up for marriage. I would not say "I Do" until the two of you worked through your communication issues and learn to fight fair. Don't get married just to separate.

 

So, introduce some kink, but getting more sex is not going to make this relationship better. It is the other. Maybe you guys have a passionate relationship where you love hard and fight hard - it works for some people. Maybe you miss the intensity. But if i were you, I would examine all those things.

 

"being faithful to him all these years" is not a reason to marry. That should be just a given. And "not being able to live without him" is dependency.

 

I am not going to say "dump him right now" - but I am going to say your future marriage could very well be in trouble after it starts if these things are not clearly addressed and worked on first before you pick out dresses or colors.

[abitbroken]

If you were molested and raped, I agree with counseling - 100%

[ThePinkAngel]

he likes to role-play but I generally don't like it. It makes me feel like one of those porn stars (fake) I want it natural. he likes to tell me what I should do to him but I like to surprise him. i don't like to be told of what to do maybe because of my bad experience (rape,molest). Thanks for your point I will consider it. And I am going to see a therapist.

[poetryandlyrics]

If that's the mindset, then yes, therapist. My boyfriend likes sexy lingerie. I do too. But sometimes it gets to be too much or if he suggests it a lot than me suggesting (my decision, not his power) then it's like I'm parading myself as a piece of meat, which is a bad mindset as a result of rape. I know that now. Therapy will help as will time and patience. Maybe talk to your fiancee about your rape and molestation issues tying with that. I did with my boyfriend and he understands.

[ThePinkAngel]

What do you mean by approach? You did mention he takes a different approach.

 

He is just different when he wants sex not like other men i had relationship before. He is more vocal.. He likes to say give me a BJ. he just wants me to do it staright away without even knowing if i want it or not. He likes to say jokes about what he feels about having sex and it doesn't turn me on. I like to be touched and caressed (makes me feel I am wanted) first, It turns me on rather than do it straight away. I talked to him about this but he didn't know what I mean. Maybe we should both go to a sex therapist. I don't know if this is a good idea or if he will agree. Sigh. I am so confused a lot of things going on in my mind.

[ThePinkAngel]

If that's the mindset, then yes, therapist. My boyfriend likes sexy lingerie. I do too. But sometimes it gets to be too much or if he suggests it a lot than me suggesting (my decision, not his power) then it's like I'm parading myself as a piece of meat, which is a bad mindset as a result of rape. I know that now. Therapy will help as will time and patience. Maybe talk to your fiancee about your rape and molestation issues tying with that. I did with my boyfriend and he understands.

 

"But sometimes it gets to be too much or if he suggests it a lot than me suggesting (my decision, not his power) then it's like I'm parading myself as a piece of meat" I agree exactly what I feel about role plays. I do like sexy lingeries. i told him everything even before we had relationship. I wanted him to know what I've been through to know if he accepts and understand me. And he did.

[WhenWillILove]

It's odd that in 4 years you have not resolved your sexual differences.

I think you should be serious with him- "I feel like I'm losing my sexual attraction towards you because you don't listen to what I want during sex. You just have it your way most of the time and that does not satisfy me sexually completely."

Tell him straight up- I want emotions, cuddling, kidding, romance before the act. Some men, perhaps because of their own inhibitions or inexperience, do not know this. They need to be told directly.

[ThePinkAngel]

It's odd that in 4 years you have not resolved your sexual differences.

I think you should be serious with him- "I feel like I'm losing my sexual attraction towards you because you don't listen to what I want during sex. You just have it your way most of the time and that does not satisfy me sexually completely."

Tell him straight up- I want emotions, cuddling, kidding, romance before the act. Some men, perhaps because of their own inhibitions or inexperience, do not know this. They need to be told directly.

 

Yeah you're right. I told him I like to romance first before anything else but he doesn't know what I mean. I just cut the conversation by changing the topic.

[lavenderdove]

>>he just wants me to do it staright away without even knowing if i want it or not.

 

OK, this may be part of the problem... if he is the one always determining how things go without you expressing your feelings and him trying to please you, then it is understandable why you are turned off.

 

People have very different sexual styles. Some people like tenderness and gentle lovemaking, some like wild and unbridled sex, some like kinky sex etc. And some people like it different ways. But some men have trouble with being too 'penis focused' where their sexuality is all about the experience just involving the penis whether that is immediate entry and pounding away or you giving him a blow job, and anything else other than that they consider a waste of time. This is where you really need to start talking to him and telling him that for you sex is about more than him just hopping on and taking a ride.

 

So there is really no way around this other than being honest with him. Next time he approaches you in a way that turns you off, tell him exactly how you feel about what he just did, as in, you know, when you approach me like that, i feel like ______ (whatever your feelings are, whether they are sad, upset, angry, depressed etc.). Then tell him that if he approached you like ______ (being romantic, kissing you first, telling you he loves you or whatever works for you), you'd really want to have sex with him more and would enjoy it rather than feeling used.

 

He may be shocked or annoyed or angry at first, but you need to remind him that sex involves BOTH of you and you love him dearly but this is something you need to work on as a couple to make the experience happy for both of you. You can't shy away from this and need to work thru it with him, and if he doesn't know what you mean, give him examples of things you like vs. things you don't like. It often helps to buy some books on lovemaking and point out the things in the book you would like to do/try so that he sees this rationally, that what you are asking for is not unreasonable and in fact is recommended by experts who tell people how to get more from their lovemaking.

 

I suspect it was OK for you in the beginning because you were riding high on new love hormones and excitement, but once that faded, you realized his lovemaking approach alone wasn't working for you, so now you need to really start negotiating with him to try to get him to do things that do turn you on rather than just hopping on and going at it. That is quite selfish of him to be honest, unless you've never really told him that doesn't work for you and you need a different kind of stimulation to enjoy it. He can't read your mind so you have to tell him what you need, but if you've already told him and he ignores your wishes, then he is being selfish and that is a deeper/big problem in itself.

 

I once was with someone who was an extremely attractive guy, very fit, masculine and someone most women would be wildly attracted to. BUT he had a very juvenile way of lovemaking where i felt like we were a couple of puppies rolling around playing rather than having exciting and erotic sex which i preferred to his 'goofy' approach to lovemaking. After awhile, i realized my relationship to him was more like a parent/child or we were like brothers/sisters and it just killed the attraction because we just were not compatible in the BR and too far apart in terms of how we approached sex to ever find a happy medium, and we did break up.

 

But i think because you do love him you should really give it a good hard try first to see if you can meet in the middle... really work with him and be totally honest though that might be awkward at first, if he loves you he will work with you. The problem with my guy was he was basically a selfish person and didn't care to change, and that was what made me leave because that was as important a problems as bad sex, in that i didn't have confidence that he could work through other issues with me as life went on because whenever our needs conflicted, he had to have his own way and would never try to please or accommodate my wishes.

 

So get some sex and lovemaking books and start talking to him! Make it a goal to try everything in one of the books you find appealing, and see whether in the end you are still bored or not. If you've tried everything and it still doesn't work, then sadly i wouldn't marry him because you will resent him in future and he will resent if you stop having sex, and you will be especially vulnerable to divorce if you do one day meet a man who really sparks your interest and want to leave him. That is what frequently happens when there is sexual incompatibility, where the relationship goes along until one day one or the other meets someone where there is such a strong spark, they jump out of the marriage/relationship because they feel sexually deprived. They explode out of the marriage when they meet someone who turns them on too much to ignore how little they feel for their spouse.

[DN]

May I suggest that when posting you give as much relevant detail as possible in your first post rather than add really important information after a page or two of posts. The fact that you were molested and that he doesn't listen to what you want are highly relevant and completely alter the scenario. We aren't mind-readers and need that information in order to give the best advice that we can.

 

My advice is to get individual counselling to deal with the molested issues and then get the advice of a marriage counsellor specialising in sexual issues so you can get this marriage sorted out. Do not try to do these at the same time.

[tiredofvampires]

May I suggest that when posting you give as much relevant detail as possible in your first post rather than add really important information after a page or two of posts. The fact that you were molested and that he doesn't listen to what you want are highly relevant and completely alter the scenario. We aren't mind-readers and need that information in order to give the best advice that we can.

 

This is probably one reason the OP is having trouble with her fiance -- inability to communicate her issues, in a direct, clear, transparent way.

 

It sounds like both of you have some real communication issues, OP -- switching the subject, avoiding things, running away when there's conflict without a real strategy to resolution, not being upfront with what's going on (until a lot of digging has occurred), or tuning out what the other has said. This sounds like a high-drama set-up for all kinds of problems in your future marriage. It's no wonder you don't want him sexually, with all this, as sex is usually an extension of how you feel in the rest of the relationship. Not feeling heard is a libido-killer.

 

I agree that you need individual counseling as very basics. I agree with another poster that, "I can't live without him" is an unstable way to go into a relationship or to live life. That is not a measure of love. I don't think you can figure out what you really want from life and marriage until you can emotionally stand on your own two feet. At some point though, the communication issues (this conflict is secondarily about sex -- it is primarily about communication) will have to be sorted out with the help of a couples counselor, because he doesn't sound aware enough (and neither do you, frankly) to navigate this without coaching.

 

But you say he may not agree. That's a bad sign, if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together. If you work on yourself and do your part, and he has no desire to be part of the whole improving, then a marriage with him is destined to fail.

[Donovan79]

Wait wait wait. You were raped and molested?? This is the problem. Wow. Has nothing to do with him, you're just not over your healing process from extremely traumatic events. You had horrible, painful things happen to you associated with sex, so of course you're going to have trouble looking forward to it and enjoying it. Absolutely begin therapy, no question. If you love this guy you need to find someone who can help you be a terrific wife to him, and until you're a whole, healed person you can't do this.

 

The girl I married when I was too young had also been raped -- twice -- once forcefully by a stranger, once by her boyfriend when he came home drunk and thought she was sleeping and she then said no. She likewise loved me, but we ended up having sex about once every three months or so. I felt awful, thought there was something terribly wrong with me. We both got more and more depressed and finally split up. A few months later I started dating the girl that I'd spent the next four years with, and we had amazing sex that whole time. I felt whole again and never looked back.

 

Please talk to a professional before you make your boyfriend go through that whole painful ideal of not feeling loved -- or force yourself to do anything you don't love doing.

[KellyTeresa]

Question...when you and your fiance have sex are you faking orgasms or does it never get finished?

[ThePinkAngel]

May I suggest that when posting you give as much relevant detail as possible in your first post rather than add really important information after a page or two of posts. The fact that you were molested and that he doesn't listen to what you want are highly relevant and completely alter the scenario. We aren't mind-readers and need that information in order to give the best advice that we can.

 

My advice is to get individual counselling to deal with the molested issues and then get the advice of a marriage counsellor specialising in sexual issues so you can get this marriage sorted out. Do not try to do these at the same time.

 

I just opened up the issue that I've been molested and raped. Knowing that this is maybe the other reason why. But I am confused. You are right though. I need to see counselors for both issues. thanks.

[ThePinkAngel]

Question...when you and your fiance have sex are you faking orgasms or does it never get finished?

 

Yes most of the time. I don't want him to be hurt by showing him to his face that I am not attracted to him. I want to solve this issue but will also talk to him little by little about my issues and what i like in bed. But everyone is right here i need counseling.

[ThePinkAngel]

Thank you so much for these info. everyone here is very mature and helpful. I got different views and points to consider. I don't regret signing up here.

[ThePinkAngel]

"we ended up having sex about once every three months or so" this is exactly what is happening to us. If we ever have sex it is mostly for his sake and not mine.