What's the point of moving in together?

[yeawutever]

So what happens when the engaged couple has to eventually live separately based on different circumstances? Nothing is guaranteed whether you are married or not in this day in age.

Yes there is a risk to everything but I would rather not live with a man that doesn't have future goals towards the relationship, that isn't sure if he wants to get married. I'm still not going to risk the ''trial period'' with the ''well let's see if this works out''. I don't want to see anything. I want either full commiment with proposal or nothing (''all or nothing'').

 

At least when it's an engagement with the date set on and everyone is informed, I know where it's heading instead of ''Where is this heading, are we on the same page'' like some women get stuck on for ages. I would know because if he tries to back out or something by then, it had better be for a good reason (ex: extreme cases such as death in family or someone needs urgent help, etc) but he can't take too long either. So in a way is like ''Either commit to me and don't bs me or you're gone''.

 

Now if a woman doesn't want to ever get married or just wants to date for the meantime then that's a different story. In that case, I would support her in the cohabition with bf.

[lalalollipops]

Wasn't there some research done regarding this and they found that (it somewhat relates to OP'S topic) people who live in together before getting married, are more likely to divorce than people that get married and never live together beforehand.

 

I found it interesting actually. Personally for me, I do believe moving in together (for a short period such as 3 or so months) is necessary if my relationship gets serious. It's just to see how they handle daily life. How they deal with chores, splitting of responsibilities etc. It's hard to get a clear picture if you don't literally live with them, and I do believe it's good to know what you're getting yourself into.

[Fudgie]

What about if the man and woman are young and not necessarily want to get married straight away? I feel like this is me. I am fine with moving in and want to get married someday but not before my late 20s. Not everyone can have (or wants) an engagement right and wedding date after 1 year of dating prior to moving or just after moving in. It's just not feasible.

 

I too would not move in with a man that I didn't see it being long-term. I want to get married someday and would not move in with someone who didn't want to get married, or maybe someone who wanted kids (I don't want them). Most people don't move in with whoever and says "let's just see how it goes". It's possible to be very committed to someone and certain of the future, but being happy with just living together.

 

 

 

 

 

^ That study that said that cohabitating couples are more likely to divorce was disproved by the CDC. Now BOTH groups, people who don't live together before marriage and those that do, have an equal chance of getting divorced. So there is no real difference that we can see at this time.

[redrose85]

I’m 100% confident that if my fiance and I had run off to get married after less than a year and not living together, we’d still be happy as clams today, but it wouldn’t have been the right path for us. We lived together for five and a half years (and owned a home) before finally getting engaged. Just prior to that, I was really unhappy with the slooooow progress. Now we have been engaged for about 9 months and getting engaged really did change things for us in a really great way. I was ready long ago, but he was not, and I completely understand that now.

 

He’s always known he wanted to marry me one day, but it was always “one day.” With that pressure lifted, we’ve been able to build one heck of a bond to support us through the rest of our lives together and we can begin to slowly, slowly plan our wedding, a much awaited and dreamed about event, knowing that we know each other inside and out. To me, in retrospect, this is so much better for us than rushing into marriage hoping for a soft spot to land, without TRULY knowing each other.

[anna0511]

What about if the man and woman are young and not necessarily want to get married straight away? I feel like this is me. I am fine with moving in and want to get married someday but not before my late 20s. Not everyone can have (or wants) an engagement right and wedding date after 1 year of dating prior to moving or just after moving in. It's just not feasible.

 

I too would not move in with a man that I didn't see it being long-term. I want to get married someday and would not move in with someone who didn't want to get married, or maybe someone who wanted kids (I don't want them). Most people don't move in with whoever and says "let's just see how it goes". It's possible to be very committed to someone and certain of the future, but being happy with just living together.

 

I agree with this. My boyfriend of 2 years and I are very committed to each other, but would like to wait another year or two before getting married. Maybe some people might worried about being "strung along", for lack of a better word, if there isn't an official engagement, but I know that he and I are on the same page about this because we talk about it openly, with each other and our families. We now live together, and we don't see this as a "trial period" at all. We are learning how to co-exist, slowly transitioning from dating to the next level commitment, and preparing ourselves to spend the rest our lives with one another. And honestly, it's just been so much fun. It been a time where we are fully able to enjoy one another's company without things like mortgages, children, debt, or keeping up with the neighbours to worry about. I know that I will always treasure the memories of our first few years of living together and when I marry him I'll know that he's not just someone I can live with, but someone I cannot live without.

[Batya33]

I didn't think living together before marriage was any kind of necessary transitional stage especially since we spent lots of time together, sleepovers, vacations, etc. I can't relate to people who do or who see it as some form of deeper emotional commitment -sharing physical space- unless that is specifically discussed beforehand.

[Lonewing]

I guess I come from the old generation. My parents never lived together before getting engaged, which took 3 years and they're still married. Also how would I know the man is not stringing me along? If I were to move in with him and let's say I'm not the ''right woman'' for him or he isn't ready till years later, I would want him to tell me right away so I can break if off and not waste further time.

 

I would say anything from 2-3 years should be enough to know if I'm the right woman for him or not. I would hate to be spending years with him only to find out he's still thinking about it.

 

And yet people wake up to this reality every day, some of them having thought they were in loving marriages, only to find out it's all over.

 

You're not looking for kids, so...really, I don't understand what you're so worried about losing if a long term live-in situation falls apart. Without children, marriage is truly only a civil business contract between you and him, and then it's only a matter if one of you has a pension or spouse benefit package at work and the other should pass on, or who gets what property should you and him split.

 

"Marriage" should not be thought of as Love and Romance...It's a civil contract. And nowadays, it has really as much teeth as an old lion who has eaten a shovel of candy every day for it's whole life...

[Lonewing]

I didn't think living together before marriage was any kind of necessary transitional stage especially since we spent lots of time together, sleepovers, vacations, etc. I can't relate to people who do or who see it as some form of deeper emotional commitment -sharing physical space- unless that is specifically discussed beforehand.

 

it usually evolves out of "I don't want you to go home, I want you to stay the night...the weekend...oh, why DO you have to leave, anyways???"

 

Sharing space gives you more time to be together, which can accelerate the relationship towards the end or the beginning, depending on how you see it...or you're with a person who's just stringing you along, and then it wouldn't matter where you lived, anyways.

[Lonewing]

technically, then, they ARE married - it's called commonlaw!! Very good for them!

[Lonewing]

Wasn't there some research done regarding this and they found that (it somewhat relates to OP'S topic) people who live in together before getting married, are more likely to divorce than people that get married and never live together beforehand.

 

I found it interesting actually. Personally for me, I do believe moving in together (for a short period such as 3 or so months) is necessary if my relationship gets serious. It's just to see how they handle daily life. How they deal with chores, splitting of responsibilities etc. It's hard to get a clear picture if you don't literally live with them, and I do believe it's good to know what you're getting yourself into.

 

I've been watching research that seems to go bothways on this, I think it's still too new to say either way...the last one I read basically said that cohabition effectively has no bearing on whether divorce will occur or not.

 

I think the important notes to consider include what the person conducting the study believes, what the people reporting the study believe, and what is actually measured and compared in the study.

 

There's this one, for example:

link removed

 

Ultimately, I don't think it matters who's living together, what matters is the individuals living together. "Marriage" itself is something that is established long before any actual words or vows are exchanged.

[DrKitten]

technically, then, they ARE married - it's called commonlaw!! Very good for them!

 

Not all states recognize common law marriages. California does not. You are either legally married or you ain't.

[Batya33]

technically, then, they ARE married - it's called commonlaw!! Very good for them!

 

No, not where they live.

[Batya33]

it usually evolves out of "I don't want you to go home, I want you to stay the night...the weekend...oh, why DO you have to leave, anyways???"

 

Sharing space gives you more time to be together, which can accelerate the relationship towards the end or the beginning, depending on how you see it...or you're with a person who's just stringing you along, and then it wouldn't matter where you lived, anyways.

 

 

In my case and many others I know sharing physical space by living together was not necessary to advance anything. When we got back together, we knew from the first date that our goal was marriage (and the first time we dated it was probably 3 or 4 months in). We spent tons of time together but did not live together. In hindsight it wouldn't have accelerated or clarified anything relevant and might have hampered things.

[DN]

What works and doesn't work for some people will or won't work for others. Thr fact the the preponderance may be one way still does not mean it applies to all cases. The only way one can assert anything with reasonable confidence is if properly acquired statisticss show that in 90% or more cases a certain outcome will occur.

[Batya33]

What works and doesn't work for some people will or won't work for others. Thr fact the the preponderance may be one way still does not mean it applies to all cases. The only way one can assert anything with reasonable confidence is if properly acquired statisticss show that in 90% or more cases a certain outcome will occur.

 

I agree. I was commenting on the point that's been made here and in other threads that sharing physical space on its own is a progression in romantic commitment. I don't think it is.

[DN]

I agree. I was commenting on the point that's been made here and in other threads that sharing physical space on its own is a progression in romantic commitment. I don't think it is.

Well, surely that depends on the couple and what they have mutually agreed.

[Lonewing]

It is a progression, but it's unknown precisely what direction that progression leads...just as even a marriage is no guarantee that divorce will not follow, neither does cohabition guarantee that a divorce or even a marriage will not follow...most relationships do not even make it beyond the third month, but we're quick to ignore this outright, because those instances were "just dating."

 

I don't think it matters what order you put them in...

 

[...although, to some twisted irony, the surest way to get divorced is to get married, because all divorces are preceeded by a marriage...which might suggest to some that the easiest way to prevent divorce is to ban marriage outright...oh the horror!]

[Batya33]

It is a progression, but it's unknown precisely what direction that progression leads...just as even a marriage is no guarantee that divorce will not follow, neither does cohabition guarantee that a divorce or even a marriage will not follow...most relationships do not even make it beyond the third month, but we're quick to ignore this outright, because those instances were "just dating."

 

I don't think it matters what order you put them in...

 

My opinion is that sharing physical space before being engaged (with a wedding date) or married is not a progression in a relationship -or a regression -it's just sharing physical space. I think women in particular mistake a man's desire to live together as evident of a stronger emotional commitment (which is also what the article said).

[DN]

My opinion is that sharing physical space before being engaged (with a wedding date) or married is not a progression in a relationship -or a regression -it's just sharing physical space. I think women in particular mistake a man's desire to live together as evident of a stronger emotional commitment (which is also what the article said).

Once again, it may not be for you or some others - but for many people moving in togeher is indeed a commitment and it may be lifetime commitment without the benefit of wedding vows. No one can say what will or will not work for other people or whether they are committed to each other or not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is a progression, but it's unknown precisely what direction that progression leads...just as even a marriage is no guarantee that divorce will not follow, neither does cohabition guarantee that a divorce or even a marriage will not follow...most relationships do not even make it beyond the third month, but we're quick to ignore this outright, because those instances were "just dating."

 

I don't think it matters what order you put them in...

 

[...although, to some twisted irony, the surest way to get divorced is to get married, because all divorces are preceeded by a marriage...which might suggest to some that the easiest way to prevent divorce is to ban marriage outright...oh the horror!]

 

But many "live togethers" don't go the distance either. There are plenty of people who end up living with almost every person they get into a relationship with. It is not a progression to anything, it is just convenience.

[DN]

I don't understand why some people seem to think that 'many' means 'all'. It just doesn't.

[Fudgie]

It differs from couple to couple. Some people live with ALL SOs and do that "gradual move in" thing. Others treat it like a serious event and talk about their future "I want to be with you long-term but don't want to marry yet so this is why we are actively moving in together". It's not always out of convenience or anything. I would be uncomfortable with just "sliding" into someone's home and making it my own without actually talking about it directly and actually being proactive about moving over.

 

I know a couple who did this: guy eventually started spending all his time over at the gf's place and eventually just didn't renew the lease when it came time. He now lives there but it's not official at all. They don't talk about their future at all and I know that he wants to get married (he told my boyfriend) but the gf has told me that she doesn't want to.

 

They don't strike me as a couple who will "make it" and it has nothing to do with them living together, it's their attitude and way of going about it. Not everyone is like that.

[Lonewing]

But many "live togethers" don't go the distance either. There are plenty of people who end up living with almost every person they get into a relationship with. It is not a progression to anything, it is just convenience.

 

Oh, but there IS one meaningful correlation...

 

Many "Live Togethers" most certainly go a further distance than the "just daters," i.e. those relationships where the two do not cohobitate.

 

But then, Most "Just Daters" do NOT end in marriage, anyways. So it's all in how you look at it.

[Lonewing]

But many "live togethers" don't go the distance either. There are plenty of people who end up living with almost every person they get into a relationship with. It is not a progression to anything, it is just convenience.

 

No, that's just a "I don't wish to get married...at the least, to THIS one" situation. And it IS a progression - from living apart, to living together encompasses a very real life change. In some cases, relationships last longer than they would have other wise, and in other cases, relationships last shorter than they might have, had they become marriages. Either way, as marriages,they probably would have broke, anyways.

 

You must understand, we're already in a situation where the Old divorce rate is 50% [i.e., the generations before us], so it's not like we can expect it to get any better any time soon. If Tiger Woods had listened to his father, he'd never have gotten married, either. If more people listen and observe these occurances, you will see more cohabitators and fewer marriages, which may actually be a good thing for the overall marraige/divorce rate.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh, but there IS one meaningful correlation...

 

Many "Live Togethers" most certainly go a further distance than the "just daters," i.e. those relationships where the two do not cohobitate.

 

But then, Most "Just Daters" do NOT end in marriage, anyways. So it's all in how you look at it.

 

Not necessarily true..."just daters" can end up getting married as well. Two people who choose to date without living together may be progressing just as well towards the goal of marrige..they just choose to maintain separate residences until they make their union legal.