Jump to content

To be or not to be - SuperDave71

SuperDave71

By SuperDave71
in Getting Back Together

Recommended Posts

SuperDave71 Mentor

SuperDave71

Posted
Posted

It’s Friday.

 

 

I am sitting at my desk at work looking out of the window with the sound of a popular radio station playing quietly in the background. What am I thinking? Am I pondering any philosophical thoughts or opinions on relationships? The answer is simply “No”. Not in the least but I am enjoying the peace of mind. When it comes to getting over a breakup, you have to go through it to completely understand why it happened in the first place. The world becomes a different place once the obsessive thoughts of your prior relationship leave the building so to speak.

 

 

 

We live in an instant society. No matter where you are from or what you do for a living, chances are you are able to communicate almost instantly with friends and family. Several ways of doing this are telephone, text messages, social media and applications via your smart phones just to name a few. It’s quick and easy to use and the communication is easily reciprocated most of the time. What happens if this instantly stopped? For example, have you ever misplaced your cell phone for a whole day or maybe you were not able to access the Internet for a day due to circumstances beyond your control? What was one of the first things that went through your head? If you choose to post below, describe the feelings you felt when you not “connected” to the world. I can almost guarantee you that one of the keywords is going to be either “panic or disappointment”. I am not trying to put implant words in your thoughts but merely use personal examples based on people I asked on the elevator this morning. (Yes, I talk on the elevator..I am THAT guy but not all the time)

 

 

 

If you hear the words panic and disappointment what instantly goes through your thoughts? I instantly think “negative” connotations of both terms. What am I going with all of this? Those who have been through a rough breakup or maybe even a divorce know that even though communication may have ended and they had to face the break without the one they loved, they are probably able to accept the peace of mind it brings better than those going through it as of this writing. Sounds fairly elementary but let’s face it, not obsessing and worrying about phone calls, a Facebook page of our ex, going through old emails or text messages and most of all asking the proverbial questions “What did they MEAN by that?” or “What does THAT mean?”

 

 

 

Going through a breakup is like getting all your organized thoughts both in your heart and your head and throwing them in the air like pieces of paper during a wind storm and you end up being so confused, unorganized and trying to run in every direction looking for answers that you cannot gather your own thoughts cognitively. I’ve been there. I have been where millions of people have been and I cannot express how difficult it was at the time. Most importantly, I cannot express the POSITIVE effects it has had on my life as a whole because I was forced to deal with feelings that I would have rather tucked away in a dark closet in a box stored away for a lifetime. Anyone who says it is easy to go through a breakup is a liar. When true love was involved from BOTH parties, it’s going to hurt… a lot.

One of the biggest questions I am asked is how did I do it? How did I start to feel better and of course “how long did it take”? Sadly, I would never give a timeline of how long it takes. People and emotions are different for everyone. I am no one special. I do not understand ANYTHING more than you do when it comes to relationships. I just write my experiences down for the world to read in hopes of making a positive difference to someone who might need it. The first step is to accept it is truly over. THIS is the major fault of all of those (including myself years ago) that kept me hurting. I did NOT want to accept that I was just ‘kicked to the curb’ so to speak. No one ever wants to be rejected. If you were picked last in your high school gym class for basketball it may sting a bit but being rejected by someone you love is devastating.

 

 

 

I know the cynics out there will ask “But how do you know it’s really over?” The truth is you don’t BUT…let me ask you a question. What good is it going to do to hold onto an idea that may or may not work? It’s a 50/50 shot right? They may come back…They may not. I go with facts over opinion any day. If you accept something is truly over and it comes back…you are pleasantly surprised. If you hold on to something that never does…you are disappointed. The first choice allows you to start your own healing. Please do not misunderstand, accepting something is over is difficult enough but holding on to it is like holding on to tightly to a wet bar of soap…it will slip right through your fingers. Your 100% guarantee is to accept it. It’s a sure thing in my opinion. Would you want to wait around and hope and assume someone loves you JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVED THEM and then find out your ex is dating and enjoying themselves without you? Ever seen pictures of your ex, after weeks or months of still wanting them back, smiling and having a great time with her friends or someone else you question? It hurts. In my opinion, those that choose to wait do so at their own discretion. You have been warned.

 

 

 

When someone dumps you it DOESN’T make them a bad person. They are a bad person TO YOU. Let me clarify that a bit better. In my younger days, (gawd did I just say that?) when old girlfriends would break with me, I would categorize them as bad people BECAUSE THEY HURT ME. How silly is this? My friends would only exacerbate this by telling me what a great “Catch” I was or how they were making a mistake. This of course made me think I was “better” than my ex. I look back on my reasoning (or lack thereof) and cringe a bit inside. The truth was that I was hurt because they LEFT not because they were bad. It all comes down to rejection again. Now, looking back and having been through several breakups in my life, I can put myself in someone else’s shoes and look at the situation a bit differently. What about our ex’s feelings? Are they able to feel, act and think about their OWN needs? Of course they are. If you were unhappy in the relationship, would you stay? Would you want to pretend everything was perfect though your heart wasn’t in it? I certainly hope not. This may be a tough pill to swallow, but your ex doesn’t OWE you anything but in retrospect…neither do you.

 

 

 

 

Our ex’s have the same right to leave you as you do to leave them. Breaking up, even from the dumpers perspective, is difficult. Why? Just because love ends DOESN’T MEAN their genuine caring and concern for your well-being disappears. What you have to understand that they DO care but you cannot attempt to confuse their caring as true love. This is a HUGE no no.

 

 

 

No matter if it was 3 weeks to 20 years, true love can end and it often does. Please understand I cannot give advice on all situations but I try to base it on two people falling out of love in general and not base it on someone’s actions (cheating or infidelity) that brought the relationship to an end.

 

 

 

Getting back together takes time. It could be weeks, it could be months or even years. If you become obsessed (guilty as charged) with getting your ex back, I hate to tell you…until you let go completely 100% (accept it is truly over) you will NEVER get your ex back. If you do, it will be very short lived. There is a little words called “appreciation” that takes over once a break has time to let the dust settle. Appreciation is defined as:

 

 

  1. Gratitude; thankful recognition: They showed theirappreciation by giving him a gold watch.
  2. The act of estimating the qualities of things and giving themtheir proper value.
  3. Clear perception or recognition, especially of aestheticquality: a course in link removed appreciation.
  4. An increase or rise in the value of property, goods, etc.
  5. Critical notice; evaluation; opinion, as of a situation, person, etc.

 

 

What does all this mean? Have you ever heard the idiom: “The grass is always greener on the other side”? It means that people generally assume they would be happier in a different set of circumstances. The truth is if you did not appreciate what you had OR your ex did not appreciate you for what you were…it will take time and possibly a few more failed relationships for them to understand and give you’re the proper credit that you deserved in the first place.

 

 

 

Before you start to stand up a bit straighter and beat on your chest a little, let’s look at this for what it truly means. After a breakup, you (or your ex) might have to experience someone else (a new relationship) in order to appreciate you for what you were BUT ONLY if the new relationship(s) were worse than the one they were in. THAT is the main difference. If the new beau loves and appreciates your ex and they reciprocate…well you understand where I am going with that one. Please don’t get me wrong, getting back together DOES occur. I am not ever going to say that two people that genuinely love one another should NOT be together. My point is that back to the original paragraph, we come from an instant gratification society. We want it now! We want it quickly and we want it to be the best life as to offer. With this in mind, how long are you willing to wait for someone that MIGHT come back? How long are you going to hope and wish them back you? The main thing I am referring to is the word “wait”. You are putting your life on hold in HOPES that someone will love you again because you have to face that difficult question no one want to answer “Do you miss the person, the love they had for you or both”? If you just broke up, I can almost guarantee you will say both. Those that have been away for a while, might say the love…The truth be told that people and feelings change regardless of if you want them to or not. Younger relationships that end assume that because I loved you or am STILL in love that the other party involved MUST feel the same way.

 

 

 

**WARNING** Do what you can to throw these thoughts out the door. NEVER EVER assume what someone else feels or thinks about you…especially from a third party. Always rely on the source.

 

 

In closing, remember to be true to yourself. You are all you have. You cannot change others you can only change. Never change in order to be loved. Change because you want to change. People can see right through you if you attempt to change in order to make someone else happy. If you can’t learn to make YOU happy and share that with someone who loves you for you, then you have some work to do. Stop relying on others to make you happy. It was never their job just as much as it was never your job to make them happy. Never rely on anyone but yourself to make you happy. Someone will eventually love you so much that you will be vulnerable once again. Don’t fight it. Just use the common sense you have learned through your last breakup in order to see the red flags (if there are any) and make positive choices for you. Set your bar high and have others meet or exceed what it is you want out of the relationship. (This is even true of your ex if they choose to come back to you) NEVER lower your standards just because someone is good enough. Like the old song says “You can’t hurry love…you’ll just have to wait.”

 

 

 

To quote the famous soliloquy by William Shakespeare’s Hamlet

“To be or not to be, that is the question.”

 

 

 

My personal thoughts are “To be or not to be….that is the answer.”

 

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

Link to comment
Gabrielle84 Newbie

Gabrielle84

Posted
Posted

You're brilliant... thanks so much for sharing this, made my day better believe it or not

Coincidentally I've been reflecting a lot on acceptance this week, and on letting go of resentments and even on this issue of instant gratification. It's so true. Many of my most recent mistakes in relationships of all kinds (and even in my academic life) have been rooted in that impatience, in that "I want it now!" petulant attitude.

 

Acceptance brings clarity and peace, it's a slow process, but knowing that we are not alone in that process and having people like you share their wisdom like this, just makes it easier, enjoyable even.

Link to comment
dunkiez Rookie

dunkiez

Posted
Posted

A brilliant post. Perhaps we can never be 100% sure if we still have romantic feelings for our exes and our love for them could last a lifetime.

 

What we need to do is to detach ourselves from seeking a particular outcome.

 

Life is a game of chess and the opponent opposite you is Time.

 

Whether or not they return, we owe it to ourselves to make the best of our time on earth.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
Shake Spear Rookie

Shake Spear

Posted
Posted

This is pure gold

 

One thing that really helped me was an article i read on the interhigh-way, it was quite long, but to recap

 

1. YOU are as much a prize as your ex, they were as lucky to have you, as you were them

2. You may think that your ex was unique, but they are not

3. You ex was not the source of your happiness, if they were, then getting them back should not be your priority. If you can't be happy on your own, you can't function in a relationship.

4. Maybe a little harsh, but: Stop wallowing in self pity, things could be a lot worse. There are people in the world that struggle with crippling illness, starvation and terminal disease

5. Heart break is someone everyone has to go through at some point. Wear it proudly like a battle scar, learn from it and grow as a person

6. You don't NEED your ex. You NEED oxygen, nourishment and sleep, everything else is optional

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
  • 3 years later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...