am so confused

[Natasha70]

i have been married for 7 years and have 5 year old twins with my second husband. I have 4 kids from my 1st who had bi-polar. The twins dad left 10 weeks ago and went back home abroad. I had no contact with him, as he never replied to any of my msgs. We had a excellent relationship and were madly in love. I was hrt broken and got very depressed.

He sent mail to my cosins to say we were over via facebook. I got fed up and closed my fb. Now 4 days ago i got a call from and he was crying saying he relized he could not live without me. We both got very emotional and have begun talking about 4-5 hours every day aexpressing our love for each other and how we can't live apart.

My problem is he doesn't want to come back to the u.k. He wants me to come to him as he had begun to get real depressed here.

My kids are 21 with a 2 yr old son, then a 18 yr son; 12 yr old son, 9 yr old daughter and his twins a boy and girl.

He wants me to bring the 3 younger 1s and come and love with him. I am so confused as my older 3 kids did not get on with him and would argue with him and the police would get involved. Thats put my hubby of coming back. I am not sure if i should leave my 12 yr old with his dad and take the younger 3 with me. 0

my 21 yr old has her own place and 18 yr old is going away to uni. Do i restart my life with the twins dad or break up with him and stay here without him. I love him dearly and just want to be with him.

i am so confused i am going mad. Please post your reply. Do i wait for all my kids to leave home and then live alone or follow my hrt and go to the love of my life. Help me pls.

[mhowe]

If the love of your life and father of 2 kids can walk out and not bee in touch for 10 weeks, you should reconsider "love of my life". You cannot disrupt the lives of all of your kids to follow a man who has no regard for you.

[kaibutsu]

You two have a lot to work out right now, but considering what he did to you, I wouldn't trust him one tiny little bit. I don't know that it's a good idea to pick up your entire life and your children and move to another country.

 

Why would the police get involved in the relationship between your estranged husband and them? Do they know something about him that might make it a good decision to not be around him?

[Guest]

I don't even like this guy, I could go off, but I need to keep things clean here. He leaves you without notice, then decides to want you back, not only that, HE WANTS YOU TO COME TO HIM after what he did. Oh good grief, even so little as words can get my temperature up. This shouldn't be the idea of a 'love of your life'. Sometimes you need to look past your feelings and take a look at the circumstances which are presented right under your nose. A loving person, is a considerate person, not an inconsiderate person. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. There is no rationale. He needs to come back, be separated fromyou and show some love for the kids, which are a part of your life, this will show he cares about you as well. He dropped like a rock on the good charts, so he's got a heck of a lot of climbing to do. Respect yourself and your little ones, above all things, then after you can leave the little respect you have for people who pull scum moves like he did.

[michelemybell]

You already made six children with two men that have serious problems. Please stop thinking about yourself and your love life, and worry more about your children and the mess you brought to their lives. You made a conscience choice to bring children in this world with men that were wrong and have serious problems. And I'm sorry to say, but I don't think the guys just one day went crazy--You knew about their problems and went ahead and had children with them anyways. When it comes to making poor choices, it's one thing when someone does that and there's no children involved. It's really sad when someone has children involved. Another sad thing is your post doesn't indicate any care about your children---You're worried only about "the love of your life." Stop thinking about yourself and this loser guy for a change and care for your children. And please get some help. A woman who knowingly gets into this kind of situation TWICE has some serious problems. Sorry to be so blunt, but you kind of need a reality check here...

[snickerdoodle0]

That is a pretty messy situation.

 

I definitely would first think about those sweet children and what taking him back would do to them. Children are like sponges and if you continually expose them to dysfunction, they will suffer greatly now and later on in life.

 

I would take time for yourself and love those babies with all of your might. Forget about him. If he can do this once, he will do it again. Those children and you deserve better.

[charity]

what country is he in? i hope he is not trying to get the twins from you by giving you false promises to get you over to his country.

you are thinking of leaving your 12 year old child, so that you can live with your husband who just deserted you and his babies!!! i am sorry but this is beyond selfish. do you know how much damage you could do a child by abandoning him like that? mind you the fact that the kids and your husband don't get along and police have been involved has probably done untold damage anyway. i urge you to put your children happiness and well being as paramount.

[WiseGarnet]

I've read one or two of your other threads, and you know perfectly well that this man is probably a narcissist. You must understand that he is in the process once again of manipulating you so as to get what HE wants. By definition, and by his prior actions, he only cares about himself, despite what he may pretend to have said recently to try to convince you that he cares about you and his children.

 

He left you far behind, without explanation, breaking off your marriage by FB via a 3rd party, and by doing so put you in the most vulnerable, defensive position you could possibly be in. Once he knew enough time had passed that you'd be an emotional wreck, he's back to try to "fix" your life and recreate it in a way that makes HIM most comfortable: in his own country and only with the children that he wants to share his home with. Think about that for a minute.

 

Furthermore, I cannot, in my wildest dreams, imagine deliberately making a choice that would require that I leave a 12 year old son behind! Don't you realize what that would do to him?

 

I completely agree that what matters most is those children of yours, not the delusional idea that this guy is the love of your life. All he is doing is pushing the same old buttons that you have allowed him to push in the past. His recent tears are totally about manipulating you, not about his remorse.

 

Don't let this man convince you to restructure your life so that he gets his dream of a comfortable life, but at the expense of your children and your own self-respect. You'll be really sorry if you do. You deserve much better than this! Most of all, so do your children.

[WiseGarnet]

charity may be right - this could really be about getting his kids into his own country so that the next time he gets tired of you he can kick you (and your 9 year old) out and keep the twins there with him. You can't trust this guy as far as you could throw him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the others. This guy is no good. Leaving the 12 year old behind is a horrible idea and would be very cruel. Even the 21 year old who has a child probably needs you around for support, and I suspect the 18 year old would probably prefer that his mother is not in another country. Your first priority are your children, not a narcissistic, manipulative man who wants you to uproot your life and that of your children.

[WiseGarnet]

Natasha - re-read this post of yours from 4/10. Do you really want, to not just allow him back into your life, but physically move to another country, giving up your 12 year old and proximity to your other children, to be with him? Believe me, you can do much better than this if what you need is "company."

 

I have been married to my husband for 7 years and have 5 year old twins with him. 8 weeks ago he left tlling me he was going abroad to meet family and would be back in 5 weeks. It was just another lie and he actually left for good.

 

He worked and kept all his money and lived off me. He was abusive, a lier a cheat and thought he was always right and I was always the wrong person. He acussed me of having afairs and would judge me on the way I dressed and did not want me to go uni to complete my counselling degree. Ke just stayed on the sofa watching t.v and eating and drinking, while I looked after him. He wanted me to treat him like a baby when he was ill and when I went to hospital for a op and got home he had gone to William Hill and I had to phone him to let me in the house.

 

Even though he has gone and I used to tell him to leave me alone, I miss him badly and feel so lonely. He was selfish and greedy but I was co-dependent on him. I am only able to see the nice things about him and not the beatings, cheating and lies he told me. I feel so alone and miss the company.

 

I would appreciate some tips to help me cope as I am at rock bottom, and hate being like this.

[ParisPaulette]

When my husband of 7 yrs walked out ( he was narcisstic) and left me with our 5 yr old twins I was completely broken to pieces. I sent him msgs on fb and e-mailed but got no reply. I felt desperate and helpless, even though I did everything in the relationship. He just nagged and put me down and paid for nothing, not even his twins. After hearing from a friend he had e-maiked her telling her how badly I treated him and writing abusive things on my fb wall, I plucked the courage to try the no contact approach... He is no longer my priority in life, its me and my kids.

 

Just a reminder that you wrote this before about the same man. You need to make your kids a priority, not smash your family to pieces simply because he mistreats you then contacts you demanding that YOU change everything, not him. And given his past behavior I can't help but wonder if this isn't more a tactic to get you away from family and friends with his kids only, so that a) he can get his kids and toss you back out the door and b) cut you off from family and friends who would help you. c) leave you with no financial backing whatsoever since if you paid for everything before he left how are you now supposed to do that when you are presumably leaving your job. You think you had it bad before? Seriously, you need to read back over your past posts about him then sit down and ask yourself why you are so willing to put up with that kind of abusive behavior and worse allow your children to be exposed to it.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I'm not going to applaud any decision that puts children at the kind of risk your past and present posts here indicate. Sorry no, tell him to come back and work it out or never see any of you again. Then get yourself to someone who you can talk things out with and work out what to do from there.