Teachergurl28 Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I have been on this forum before over a year ago with this same problem and feel like not much has changed! Same story!(So maybe some of you may recognize this story!! If so, thanks for the advice and any other pearls of wisdom would be great ) I am a 30-year-old woman who moved back to the states about 1 1/2 ago. I was previously living in Colombia and had a boyfriend for close to 3 years, Juan. He is a wonderful man, smart, funny, loyal, loving, sensitive. Our sex life, however, was not satisfying to me. I think I should have been more communicative about my desires. Anyway, I began to feel like something was missing in the relationship and I just couldn't take that next step of commitment. I also was really missing my family in the states. In addition, he also was unable to get a visa to even come visit the U.S. So, it was a very difficult decision, but I moved back to the U.S 1 1/2 years ago. Since then, I met another great guy, Mike, through an online dating website. In retrospect, however ,I wasn't ready, though, to go on the website because I still was hung up on Juan. I didn't let myself get close to Mike and told him everything about Juan. Mike knows (and even encouraged me ) to go back to Colombia last summer for two weeks to visit Juan. I had a great visit with Juan but I was feeling scared to take the next step, because I had set up my life here in the U.S (great job, restored relationship with my family). Plus, I just was worried that the sex in the relationship would end up being disatisifying to me again. So, nothing came of the visit. I told both Juan and Mike that we should go our separate ways, since I was unable to commit fully to either of them. Since then, though, Mike has called me, facebooked me, etc. We are close friends (love to talk) and have great sex.The problem is that I feel like I don't have as much in common as I do with Juan. Juan ALSO recently contacted me again also via facebook and told me that he wants to get back together and loves me. I feel like I am in love with two guys! I have tried to break it off with both of them, but I keep getting back together with Mike or talking to Juan. Let me be clear,they both know about each other, so I am not lying to anyone here. The problem is that I really want to get married and have children. Before, I wanted to get married because I felt pressure from my family and friends. But that's not the case anymore. I want to get married so I can build a loving, committed relationship with someone and start our own family. I want to be a good wife and best friend to someone special. I think I have been a perfectionist on myself and have taken that tendency out on my boyfriends (expecting them to be perfect). I am slowly realizing that NO ONE is perfect and the "fairy-tale" expectation is simply not realistic I am thinking of taking a risk: either moving back to Colombia to make it work with Juan or commiting myself fully to Mike. Thoughts? Has anyone else who was worried/doubtful been able to take the plunge and make it work with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife? Ideas are greatly appreciated ! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Juan cannot even get a visiting Visa? I hate to say this, but that pretty well draws a think line int eh sand. Blood is thicker than international boundaries... You don't need a million things in common to make a happy relationship, so long as you are mindful and respectful of your differences. The moment you try to push your lifestyle/hobby/passions upon your partner, that's when things get dicey. Give Juan a Proper Dear John letter, Delete him form your facebook, and help HIM get over you! Honestly, I wouldn't hesitate much longer. You're only hurting one or both men right now, playing like this. One's being led along on something that ended long ago, the other's being led on something that has never been given a real honest chance. Link to comment
ProjComitment Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 My vote? Neither of them. After all this time you still haven't 'chosen'. Well, you kinda did when you told both of them that you all should go your separate ways. But it seems the only reason you feel stuck back in this situation is because they both have come looking for YOU. When you were 'separate ways' from both of them, did you truly, honestly want either of them back? Jennie Anne Link to comment
MasterPo Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Two man enter, one man leave. Link to comment
Snny Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I also vote don't take either of them. Juan isn't good in the sack and cannot live with you in the states. Sex is important when going into a long-term relationship. No go. This Mike dude has nothing in common with you and it makes it harder to enjoy spending time with him and dates. And he's also playing the friend zone to get with you (encouraging you to go visit Juan... classic move). Give yourself some time. Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Thanks, Lonewing. No, Juan can't get a visiting Visa It def. makes things VERY serious... In regards to Mike, I agree that we don't need everything in common. Mike is more of a jock, though, and I've been always been more of the intellectual (nerdy lol) type. So, sometimes I feel like we don't have the same life perspective. But we do have the same values and great conversation. Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Snny- Thank you for saying that "sex is very important for long-term relatinonships" Sometimes when I say that I get the responses from others that "sex is not everything", "sex is only a very small part of the relationship". Though I agree that OF COURSE that things like love and mutual respect rank much higher than sex, I still feel (for me) that sex is vital. Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed and superficial that I feel that way. I tell myself- Why would you break up with someone because of bad sex?? I wish sex wasn't important (and it probably won't be as important in 10 years) but right now it just is If Juan was here, I would maybe even go to a sex therapist with him but it's a little more difficult when I realize that I either I will need to move back to Colombia or he will have to get married to get a Visa to come back here! Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 When you were 'separate ways' from both of them, did you truly, honestly want either of them back? [/i] Jennie Anne Jennie Anne- Yes, I did want Juan back. He was my first real love, so he's always been on my mind. Mike was more of a surprise. Link to comment
Snny Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Honestly, I feel a bit ashamed and superficial that I feel that way. I tell myself- Why would you break up with someone because of bad sex?? Don't feel bad. It's a hard fact of life. I made the personal mistake of dating a guy back in college who I thought was working on a promising future and was decently attractive. We connected on a very high intellectual level... but when it came to sex, I was very unhappy and it affected my own self esteem when he didn't want to do it often or when he couldn't keep it up. I was taking a particular dance class to make myself feel desirable because he wasn't doing it for me. I gave him a year to improve and it didn't matter how hard I was willing to work with him. Whether people want to admit it or not, poor sexual performance is one of the two common issues that result divorce. It's why companies like Viagra are in business. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I also vote neither. Juan doesn't even seem like a real option. And when you look at Mike alone, you just don't have enough feelings for him. Link to comment
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