No Closure, NC....and Slander..how do you get over it?

[missmar]

Met my ex through his Dad. His dad loved me and insisted that I meet his son who lived in the same town I was moving to. Two weeks later I meet his son and it was lust at first site for me, but not for him. (I was 15 lbs overweight). He continued to pursue me I think because his father liked me. Anyway this went on for three months, we vacationed together and I spent alot of time with him and his friends and was really enjoying his company. He is very cute, funny and can be charming. In the meantime, he was out of a job, and I am paying for mostly everything, lent him money, and put up with bad sex...yes there is such a thing. Anyway, at the time I was desperate because I knew nobody but him, but got the courage to kick him to the curb anyway. I did it very nicely as we both discussed the "no spark" thing. After we broke up he called a couple of times to see me "as a friends" and I blew him off.

 

2 mos later, I'm in shape and I am getting a lot of attention. Bam! I run into him again, this time he has a job. Sparks are flying now!!! We hook up, sex is great, conversation is great,.. it was like it should of been in the beginning. But I guess he was feeling good about himself too. After a month of us dating he shows up at the pool with a blond bombshell. I show up at the pool see him there with her and walk right by him and I have a few guys all over me. Well this gets his attention and he stares me down. No words were spoken.....I guess he wanted me to make a scene....and I did the opposite and left town without a word to him.

 

1 mos later I show up back in town again. I find that he has bad mouthed me all around town, his parents won't talk to me ... Then he see's me at the pool and starts droolin all over me again...sayin he was sorry about the chic at the pool and that he never meant to hurt me. Next thing I know we hook up and his parents are talking to me again. Things are even hotter than before. He is really paying attention to me now, paying me back some of the money he owes me and just being attentive. Then he starts getting jealous....has me followed if I leave the island for a day, goes through me stuff, and one time he actually put me in a "choke hold" because I was being a little flirtatous (sp?) with this guy. He told me he would kill him first to make me watch, and then kill me. I told him I would never let anybody touch me except him. The funny thing is that he was the one with the wandering eye. This went on like this for awhile...most of the summer. We spent alot of time together, going away on weekends and hanging out. Then he started acting like a jerk again. He accused me of flirting with this guy (and I wasn't) and kicked me out of the bar he was managing. Went to him the next day and he said he needed some time. I was like...FINE!!! He then tried to call a couple of times and stopped over my house...but I was too furious to talk to him. I then find out he slept with this chick on the island. He denied it. Then I got proof and I sent him a letter and broke it off with him nicely. I told him we just can't seem to make each other happy and I wished him good luck in his new relationship. In the mean time I was dying in side hoping he would come back to me.

 

The next thing I know my reputation is ruined all around the island..he tells people I am the stupidist person he ever dated, that I went though his money, and I think he even shared some of our intimate encounters...it was bad...really bad...people would not speak to me and would whisper behind my back. I was completely broken...I had to leave this time and for good.

 

It has been a year and there has been no contact. Part of me wants to just beat his butt for killing my reputation the way he did, and also not paying me back the money he owes me. I can't believe I still love him...I can't believe I am this weak.

 

What can I do to get my self esteem back for letting him treat me the way he did. He is currently living with the girl he cheated on me with and I can't stand that he is getting away with this. Is there any Justice....if anybody can help me understand and help me get past this......I would appreciate it. I am 38 years old and I don't have any more time to waste.

 

Thanks for reading this.....

[Mun]

Hello Matme,

I think the best way to get past this is to tell yourself :

What the heck was I thinking? This guy threatened my friends, threatened my life. He owes me money. He paraded himself in front of me with another woman and cheated on me. He talked about me behind my back and ruined my reputation. I must have been crazy to ever give him my time and my love. I am not going to waste another year on this guy.

 

I am a smart woman who needs a man who will respect and love me. One who will never cheat on me or hurt me.

Tell yourself this until you believe it. Make it your daily mantra. You will eventually start to feel better about yourself and realize that this guy was not worth the effort.

 

Be the better person and just walk away, let him have all his drama all by himself.

 

Best wishes.

[ruth1978]

ever heard of the saying "an evil sayer is an evil doer"? this means whenever a man accuses you of looking at other men, flirting or cheating it's usually because they are doing it themselves and think you are going to aswell.

i had an ex always accusing me of flirting with other men, only to find out it was him cheating the whole time, but guess what too?? i still loved him after everything he did to me, men get away with it, that's the sad thing.

there's no need to seek revenge on him because his time will come when he ends up lonely and you're the one settled down and very happy, because that's where i am now, and where my ex isn't. he was the cheater and now he's the one on his own, i'm the one who was faithful and am with someone else and very happy.

once a cheater always a cheater, they are always looking out for something and someone better, whoever this woman is who he's with now, someone better than her will come along eventually and he'll move on again, but in the end it will back fire on him because it'll be his reputation that goes downhill and everyone will know what a cheat he is. but when that day comes you'll be the one happy with someone you deserve to be with, he sure isn't worth your tears or your time.

[light bulb]

OMG, that guy was a POS! You DON'T need that kind of trash in your life. Sorry for being harsh, but I feel a bit enraged after reading this. Nobody deserves to be treated the way this guy treated you. You were abused physically and mentally by this guy. If need be, seek therapy to get over him, but whatever you do; GET OVER HIM. Tough love I know.

 

As for your rep being ruined by this guy; I'm betting that anyone who knows him knows what a jerk he is and probably just takes everything he says with a huge grain of salt. If not, then they are probably just as cruel as he is, and you don't need people like that in your life. Good luck with everything.

[chai714]

Two words that describe him: Abusive Guy.

 

One word of advice to you: RUN!

 

Seriously, nobody deserves to be threatened. I think you know what to do from here. Let someone else be his victim. . .or better yet, nobody. Protect yourself for now though, by getting the hell away from him.

[missmar]

I want to thank all of you that responded to this post...I know it was a lengthy one!

 

I can get over him!! but my ego can't let go of him being happy with this new chic. It is just such an insult and slap in the face to me. From what I hear he is completely faithful to her and has seemed to turn a new leaf. She is more successful then him and she has actually benefited him in his career because of her outstanding reputation on the island. Why is God shining a light on him now? God I am so bitter... that is my problem.

 

I know from his friends that he has been cruel to other women in the past. He actually had his last girlfriend (before me) dragged out of his bed in the middle of the night by the police. They had a small fight and decided to humilate her by having the police take her away because she would not leave. She actually took him back again.

 

If your a guy and/or/are/or/were a player like this guy.....please tell me that he will cheat on this girl too .... this some how would make me feel better...sad of me I know.

[youngone29]

Anytime a man puts you in a head lock it is a red flag. All the bad mouthing he did about you, is also a red flag. There is a new dating book out that I think would help you gain a more healthy perspective on your self worth called "He's just not that into you." It is basically about how to let the men come to you and you pick and choose who you feel is good for you to deal with in a relationship and how to quickly wade through the excuses men use on women to keep them hanging on when they really don't want those women. I think it would help you, I read part of the book and found it very helpful.

 

Also, I would suggest you get some battered women's support, even though it was one incident,there are signs you will want to be aware of for future dating, because that one incident could well have been fatal. A man that will treat you the way that man treated you is not only not into you, but why would want him back? So he can abuse you, make you feel unattractive, undesirable, possibly give you a disease from sleeping around, expect you to care for him and not pay you back, ruin your good name and who knows what all else? You are a fabulous, worthwhile woman, and he is a jerk. Him being a jerk doesn't make you any less fantatic unless you believe it does. Now stop trying to win back a man that isn't worth the dirt under your feet and heal the pain of those hurts and move on. Find a man that will see the fantasticness of you (even with the 15 extra lbs.) and appreciate it, not do things to make you feel like you are not fantastic.

 

One thing, if you think you want that old guy back, think about what he put you though, and if he did that what else would he do if you broke up with him, again? He may do something to cause you to lose your job, or harm you in some way. He is very, very abusive not just physically, but socially, mentally and emotionally. Someone great like you doesn't deserve that! Expect more and you will get more. There are other men out there and they are good men that want a relationship that is healthy. Don't let the past drag you back to an abusive relationship.

 

All the best.

[youngone29]

Don't waste your energy trying to figure it all out. You never will and actually, it doesn't really matter. God isn't shining a light on him. Maybe this new chick is just the right chick for him. The real issue is what are you going to do in your next relationship? You can't keep this past hurt alive and move ahead in your life. Let it go, not because it will benefit him, he is happy because he is where he wants to be. And that is what you need to do, be happy and find someone else to be happy with you, that appreciates you.

 

You have to let it go, for your own sake. Can't you see that you are only holding yourself back from being happy!? He has gone on and you know what they say? The best revenge is to be happy and more successful without the person you broke up with. So work on your new plan of revenge and become happy with your life and quit checking up on him and live your life. You are wasting your own time obsessing over a man that doesn't care about you. Stop it, and put your energy into making a better life for yourself and forgiving the past, not for him but for you so that you can heal that pain and move on. I know what I am talking about I had to go through something like that once and when I figured it all out, the best way to get over it, is just get on with your life and find a way not to be bitter.