"I want to be with you, but you don't make me happy."

[sambal]

I have been in a relationship for almost a year. My boyfriend struggles with the idea of me having dated others before I dated him because I am his first girlfriend. He says that he will never get to share certain experiences with me because I already had those experiences with my previous boyfriends. He also says that he can never be happy with me because I can't give him what he wants. This has happened maybe 4 times during our relationship. When we aren't arguing about this, we are very close and happy and everything seems to be perfect. He tells me that had I waited for him, our relationship would be perfect and that he does want to be with me, but he knows that if he stays with me he won't be happy. I feel guilty because I want to be with him too, but I feel terrible that I "don't make him happy." I'm kind of torn between letting him go so that he might be able to find happiness elsewhere or if i should try to work this out so that we can stay together. I feel incredibly selfish. I would hate to be the one to make him unhappy, but I don't want him to think i gave up on us, I really care about him and I really want us to work out. Also, I don't really know what to tell him to comfort him.

[chitown9]

This sounds crazy. How were you supposed to know that you would meet him later down the road during the time that you were dating?

[90_hour_sleep]

..."you don't make me happy...''

 

responsibility for another person's happiness...yikes. that tops the list of undesirable qualities in my books. if you need me to make you happy...there's something valuable you have yet to learn in your life...and i'll never be good enough for you until you have that learning experience.

[Captain Obvious]

If he can never be happy with you tell him to find someone who can make him.

[abitbroken]

But what does he want? Does he want someone where he'll be her first? NO, you can't give him that obviously. I think he is insecure. But by giving you a reason why you can't be happy together, he gets what he wants because now you are trying to figure out how to make it work. When you really can't change that fact. You are not inadequate.

 

I would be tempted to ask him if the only reason he is not happy is because he is not your first? If he agrees, then ask why is it important. If he agrees its not important ask him why the fuss and if he does think its important, then tell him its best to part ways to he can find someone who has never had a boyfriend.

 

On one hand he could just think someone inexperienced is sweet and innocent and won't oppose him or is in for a terribly rude awakening.

 

After 4-5 times i personally would be sick of this and would have left on my own, but that's just me.

[Leya]

Maybe he needs to "sow his wild oats" as it were. I find young males in particular, do the whole "the grass is greener" thingy. Or, maybe he truly does have a hang up about you not being his first. But seriously, that is lame. And the older he gets, the less likely he is going to find that!! For me personally, THAT factor has never meant anything to the actual quality of the relationship. And same with the guys I have dated. (I know most guys I have been with really don't like the thinking of me being with other guys...but they do NOT let that stand in our way!!) Maybe he is just super insecure. (You haven't talked too much about your past relationships, have you?? That could make an already insecure man more insecure)

THe whole thing sounds strange, so I am having trouble trying to figure out his motives. Overall, if the current relationship is good, then past relationships are a silly reason for not "being happy" with the current one. (as long as you have left your past ones totally behind, of course!) I was much more experienced than my current guy...and no, he doesn't like it per se...but he didn't let it stop us from forging a wonderful relationship together.

 

However, overall, if I got that speech (that I didn't make my partner happy), I would choose to walk and find someone who DID garner happiness from being with me.

Best of luck!!

[sambal]

I did talk to him a lot about my past relationships. Because he was curious, he asked a lot of questions, some very personal ones. If I didn't answer, he would blame me for not being open and honest with him. Being open is not my strongest point so of course it was something I wanted to show him I was willing to overcome for him. I don't know if that was the right thing to do come to think of it, but at the time I really thought that if I was able to tell him those things and he was able to accept me, our relationship would be a strong one. I guess at first he did accept me but then he would randomly get mad and ignore me and when I would try to talk to him that's when he would tell me that I couldn't make him happy.

[anaea]

I had a bf like this once. He was really curious too, though I tried not to answer his questions. When he found out, he was actually disgusted that I had lost my virginity to someone else and he hated that I was 'more experienced' then him. This and some other problems(mostly caused by the unrealistic expectations he had about relationships) lead us to break up, but 6 months later he came back, telling me how I was perfect and how he wanted to give 'us' another go(though by then I had moved on).

 

Unfortunately, he may need to date others to get some perspective.

[solidbunker]

Jealous, insecure, freak-control, time-machine wisher...And I thought we had gotten rid of those long ago but they are persistent

Dont chase him,it will send accross that he is right.

If I were you, I would go full blown on his sorry head.

Email him saying you understand him but that you dont agree with him although you respect his views and thus you moving on,so please stop contacting me,I met a new guy and I want to be happy.

You will see soon enough how long he will stand by his crazy convictions.

You do this and you will have an obsessed stalker,garanteed!

[Seraphim]

I had a bf like this once. He was really curious too, though I tried not to answer his questions. When he found out, he was actually disgusted that I had lost my virginity to someone else and he hated that I was 'more experienced' then him. This and some other problems(mostly caused by the unrealistic expectations he had about relationships) lead us to break up, but 6 months later he came back, telling me how I was perfect and how he wanted to give 'us' another go(though by then I had moved on).

 

Unfortunately, he may need to date others to get some perspective.

 

I agree with this. I would walk away at this point. I don't believe he cares about you specifically. He cares about an ideal he has made up in his head. Let him go find it. You are not the problem. He is.

 

Wow, the more I think about it. I think about how utterly horrible his statement was to you. I want to be with you but you don't make me happy. And how he finds ways to be unhappy with you that you have no hope of changing. Things that you did that were completely normal. He has some pie in the sky ideal and he is dragging you down in horrible esteem hurting ways. Let him go find his paragon of virtue and wish him luck.

[trixi]

Wow......this sounds so not healthy.....I think no matter what you do he will never be happy. This has nothing to do with you, but I think this will repeat itself with any other relationship he is going to have. Find someone where you don't have to justify everything,