Fiance just left me: suffering delusion of hope?

[Never2Late]

I sent a letter, and now enough. I'm turning my mind to the mundane demands of the day: apartment hunting, new job hunting, auto repairs, taxes. It's time to let adulthood's doldrums overtake and live in a feeling-less gray for a while.

 

Way to go! Keep yourself busy.

 

Let us know what happens...

[zii]

Hello, all.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and sometimes tough love. I hear you all in spite of my unquenchable hope that a miracle will happen. Thank you for keeping me grounded: until now my perfectly logical darling man's job. I have a tendency to run when life gets hard; I feel myself doing it again, but I can't fight it. It, and tendency toward slightly risky behavior is a coping mechanism, and friends, I need a coping mechanism! (Just to allay any potential worries, risky behavior to me is getting a stupid piercing and having a drink after work: slow me down, right?) Anyway, I'm hoping to land a great new job (my current one is great on paper but it's a solid soul-crusher) in a great new place that's more my style and if sweet, brilliant, confused man figures out what he needs and it happens to be me, there I'll be.

[annie24]

hugs. sometimes, things just aren't your fault. hang in there. it sounds like you are a great woman with a lot to offer, so it's his loss if he passes on you.

[chitown9]

Zii, remember...strict NC. He serves two purposes, he gives you the chance to heal and it might bring him to his senses. He needs to miss you. In the meanwhile, keep busy.

 

(He is really foolish. Turning you loose to available men. Just more proof that he is not thinking clearly). ...chi

[zii]

Just wanted to post an update and ask all of your opinions on one thing. I'm proud of myself for maintaining strict NC, as suggested. We are still friends on facebook, though. I just don't feel right about cutting off that connection. I never have with anyone else and I use fb for business, so I don't feel like it's ever a good idea to reduce my number of friends/followers. That said, I've made sure to only post positive items and only things that are actually worthy of posting (I hate "what I had for lunch today" updates anyway).

 

Recently, I had something VERY good to post (I made the short list for a competition), and he liked the post. Now, while I don't mind maintaining the fb friendship for the sake of not totally burning bridges, I felt this was unfair of him. I am here for him with open arms and a warm heart if he figures out his fears and wants and what's in his heart, but I don't like this pseudo-contact! I'm trying not to read anything into it (is he having a change of heart? does he miss me? did his parents make him question his decision this weekend?), because I know from this site you would tell me that it's just nutritionless breadcrumbs. I suspect you'll tell me to unfriend him, but (unhealthy, maybe) somehow I feel better being able to see that he's okay? Is that stupid? I know I'm holding on, but I don't think I would survive it if I tried to let go of everything all at once. That is question one.

 

Question two is: is it fair of me to post positive updates? Does it look like I'm trying to appear soooo happy and rubbing his nose in it? Nothing could be further from the truth: it's still the hardest thing I've ever done and I would trade anything to have him. However, I don't believe it's my responsibility now to protect his feelings at all costs, but I just don't want to be needlessly cruel. I would believe that he's hurting and confused. Part of me wants to ease his pain and the other wants him to feel it intensely so he can recognize that a change is imperative!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are going to stay friends on facebook until he finds a new girl and then you'll be heartbroken again.

[zii]

I recognize the risk. I think at not quite two weeks I just need something to hold onto. I'm not strong enough yet to fully let him go (suppose it doesn't help that I don't want to let him go...). I guess it's like taking a band aid off slowly under warm water rather than ripping it? Bad decision perhaps, but the alternative is just too hard.

[butterflyfly]

Aaaah, hope. I have been divorced for four months now. I think hope is what makes things more difficult. It is what prevents you from letting go and moving forward. I did the same in talking to his family. I am glad they refused to talk to him because if they had and he came back, I would have felt he came back because mommy and daddy talked to him. This way, if he comes back it is of his own. I do not know how to move forward...I'm still struggling with letting go (clearly, it is 4:47am), but someone once told me: if a man wants to be with a woman, there is nothing in the world that will keep him away and if a man does not want to be with a woman, there is nothing in the world that will keep him away.

 

Do what is best for you. Do not worry about what he thinks or feels, you are only responsible for your own actions. Let him be...give him his space...and in the meantime remember to count the blessings in your life.

[zii]

I got an email back from him today. He sent it when we are both at work! I can't think of something more distant. He thanked me for saying nice things about him and said the he just needs to answer to himself right now. Also, that it makes him sad that I'm sad. I'm hurt and almost angry! I wanted--was expecting--him to either respond positively or to just NOT respond! It felt cold and heartless and like I wasted myself loving him because he never felt as deeply about me as I did about him. Argh! I hate this!!!!!

[zii]

I hate myself for ever having loved him and for giving SO MUCH of myself to him.

[annie24]

hugs..............................

[zii]

An update:

 

I've maintained no contact, taken him off of all social networking sites etc., and tried to remove anything that's his from places where I'll see them in the house. Nothing is better. I've realized that he led me on, but it doesn't change the way I feel about him. To make matters even better, almost every single on of my awesome guy friends has tried hitting on me or getting into my pants, and when told no, has ended our friendship. My friends and family have gotten tired of hearing about him, so out of respect for them I keep quiet. I drink when I get sad because it seems to dull it a little. There's been a lot of drinking, which I know isn't good. I shocked myself by asking a friend for less-than legal alternatives: I've never touched anything like that ever. I also haven't gained back any of the weight I lost initially. I'm self destructing in light of, and following all the good advice I've been given. And seriously if I hear "try exercising more!" one more goddamned time I'm going to lose it: I am 115lbs of muscle, if I exercise any more I think I'll probably die.

[zii]

I'm feeling abandoned by everyone, including the faceless internet. What does that say about a person? What does that say about a person's worth? Does it confirm that it's exceedingly low? I'm faced with an uncomfortable dichotomy: either abandon my belief that everyone has good in them or conclude that the problem is me. I would rather maintain hope that the world and its people are good, so I'm left to the latter. What about me is so... undesirable.

[annie24]

hi - i'm sorry to hear about all of that. i think most people are good. people have their own crap that they are dealing with. sorry about your so-called friends too. well, you got the exercising thing down well!! i've been doing some meetups and going to happy hours to meet new people and try to lift my spirits. what do you like to do? also, when i feel sad, i go home and watch comedies. that helps too.

[unhappy2000]

zii I was just wondering how you are doing? I am going through an awful breakup too so reading your posts really hit me as how I am feeling. Just thought I would see how you are doing.