Fiance just left me: suffering delusion of hope?

[zii]

Hello, everyone.

 

I just finished reading the thread "Confusion help: no contact vs limited contact" and I'm afraid it's fueling some false(?) hope I'm having. Our background follows; I'm sorry it's not brief. My ex and I were strictly friends for 6 months: I was adamantly against dating someone who'd been divorced. He sat me down for a talk to ask if we would always be just friends or if something more was possible. In the coming weeks, I decided to let my fondness for him prevail and we started dating. About three months later he asked if we could be exclusive. I agreed and we celebrated. Things were wonderful and talk of marriage started to enter our conversations, casually. A year after we had been dating, I started to ask if the marriage talk was serious: he said it was, but that he wasn't ready. He had been asking me to move in together and I had resisted very strongly (I didn't want to risk the pain of a breakup in the same apartment). Eventually I relented in part because he said that knowing the he could live in the same space with someone would ease some of his apprehension to get married. I tried to let marriage talk lie (though tension did exist), and six months after that he did propose, though it was without a ring. He said he would get me one when I picked one out.

 

The proposal was in July and we set a wedding date in February. We both couldn't wait. I wanted to be married yesterday, but I was excited for the pomp and circumstance a wedding would bring and for the opportunity to profess my love for this wonderful man in front of everyone we loved. We'd been engaged for several months when he started to voice concerns about losing his freedom: he said he was afraid of loosing himself in the relationship (something that had happened in his former marriage). I tried to back off, even embarking on a massive project that took most of my time thinking that more space would be good for him/us. He said that it had the opposite effect because he felt like he had to arrange his schedule around the 1 or 2 nights a week I had available (unfortunately he didn't tell me this until much later).

 

At the end of October we had an argument and he said that we should wait to get married until we figured our stuff out. I was crushed, but agreed. The cancellation of our wedding date was absolutely devastating for me. Thanksgiving with both our families and Christmas after that were the absolute worst and for some reason I was the one everyone asked about the wedding, so I was the one that had to say that it was off over and over again. In late December, he said that he hadn't been happy for a long time and that he knew it wasn't fair, but he couldn't work on being happy if I was sad. I immediately called my doctor and was prescribed antidepressants. I didn't feel clinically depressed, but wanted something to snap me out of it for his sake. He agreed to go to counseling. We went to five sessions and the two of us talked at length. His fear of fully committing to the relationship became more and more clear. He said he was afraid of giving to much to make me happy and thereby making himself miserable (what had happened in his prior marriage). I tried to explain that the beauty of love is both people giving happily and freely, and that by doing so each person receives more happiness than they could if they pursued it alone. I truly believe this and felt that things were starting to get better. Monday I told him so and he said that things were getting better for me (not for him). I asked him what he needed: told him I thought I'd done a good job of backing off and giving him his space; asked him what more he needed and said that I was glad to do it. He said he needed space. I asked what that meant, he said he didn't know but answered yes when I asked if it meant that we still slept in the same bed and called each other and said I love you. When we fell asleep, he asked that I snuggle him and I did.

 

Tuesday, I had planned to go on a bike ride to give him some space. When he got home from work, he looked awful. We talked for a while: mostly him saying that he wasn't happy and hadn't been and was feeling like he did when he was in his marriage, and me telling him all the reasons it was different from his marriage and it was good and had promise. Eventually, he said that he can't do it anymore, that he didn't want to try anymore, that he wasn't ready to jump in with both feet, and that he just wanted to be for a while. He said that he had to do this to convince himself that he was capable of walking away from a relationship. Tears followed (mine). I asked him not to go, I cried, I said I'd miss his family, I told him we could work it out, I said that all his worried about the future and making decisions together are easy(ier) if both people are fully invested in the relationship. I did all the things that I'm sure you're not supposed to do. He said he would pay his 1/2 of the rent until our lease is up and that he would put his things in his garage. He packed a bag for the night and cried. He said he hated what this did to me and I told him that I didn't know if it was appropriate and hugged him and he hugged back for a long time. More packing and he said that he would keep his distance for a while for my sake. I told him that I thought that was stupid and if he needed to call he should call and if he got things sorted out and wanted to give it another try he should call. He cried and hugged me and said that through all this he was afraid of losing my friendship my saying that meant a lot to him. When he left, I said I love you; he cried again and said I love you back.

 

That night I just sobbed. It seems so senseless to me that a good relationship is being lost out of fear! I don't want to see him unhappy and if he doesn't break his cycle of getting into a relationship then holding back because of the fear of losing his independence he'll continue to make himself miserable. The next day I stayed home from work and cried. I felt helpless: if only someone could talk to him: I know I wasn't the right one, but if only someone else's voice could get through to him: you marriage was a mistake (all his friends and family had told him not to get married), but this relationship is good! I wrote a few of his friends. I wrote his parents. I was desperate; I needed help to make him see that holding back was the exact thing that was making HIM miserable. His parents called me and agreed 100%. They said they would talk to him the next time they got the chance (several weeks, maybe). His friends said more or less the same thing, but with slightly less force.

 

I haven't eaten since Tuesday and feel sick. I know that a relationship with him simply cannot work if he doesn't jump in with both feet and I know, intellectually, that the only way to hope for change is to let him miss me. I love him dearly and I don't want him to go down this path with the next woman he dates: I want him to finally learn how to love fully! ...and of course I want him to learn that with me. I know it's almost completely useless, but a small part of me hopes that a friend of his or his parents will be able to talk some sense into him. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my distance. I know now that means also keeping my distance from his friends and family, too. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do no contact in my situation: he has to arrange to get his things from the apartment. I have to pack them because I'm the one living here and honestly, he doesn't know what's his. A friend of mine went through something very very similar and suggested waiting a week before talking to him, and then asking if he wanted to have an emotional check-in with each other sometime down the road. It sounded like a good idea yesterday, but after reading everything here I'm not so sure anymore. I had to talk to him yesterday and today: we'd planned to go skiing this weekend and I'd told me to let me know if he decided to go and if so I'd try to go another time. I had to contact him again after realizing I had a scheduling conflict and I have to go this weekend. We'll be at the same resort, but I said that I would keep my distance. We won't be staying in the same place and we ski different difficulties.

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this: I suppose for support above all else. I want to hope; I want him to magically stop being afraid of a relationship with me; I want to just have fun with him again. All of your words and thoughts are very much appreciated and I'm very sorry for such a long post.

[quantumst8]

You're right that you can't help him. Really, the kind of help he needs is the guidance of other men who can help show him the way past his fears. This is easier said than done, though, because there really aren't that many men out there with this kind of wisdom.

 

A major problem for a lot of men is a fear that they will never be enough for the woman they're with, that they won't be able to come through, to be the hero, to be able to offer their strength reliably and fully throughout the course of a relationship. Unfortunately, women don't understand this fear at all, nor do they have any power to help with it. You'll often see it referred to as a fear of commitment and treated as if it's a choice men make and one they can change any time they want. It's not. The problem is a core sense of identity and belief, and it takes a process of initiation to get past it. This needs to happen in the company of other men, or more specifically, men that have the wisdom to guide someone in this arena.

 

The best thing you can do is the hardest thing, and that is to let him go. And if he becomes wishy-washy and changes his mind and wants to come back, don't let him. You'll only be inviting the same problems all over again, except you might actually get married on the 2nd time around and then things will be worse. The kind of change he needs to go through takes time and it doesn't happen in an overnight epiphany. So be strong and let go. It's what's best for both of you at this point.

[TwelveThirty]

Don't lose him. Work it out.

Work out, and work on yourself.

Quit your fears.

And spint to him (this means don't let him go if he doesn't decide by himself; choose for him: allow more for him to commit before you ultimately lose him. If you lose him again, you lost... but if you risk nothing, then you get nothing but a new partner with who you must start all over)

 

Patience is also a virtue.

All in all, trust yourself, don't lose focus, and be strong (brave if you must).

[Never2Late]

I am sorry to hear you struggling.

 

You seem to be an adorable woman, who is willing to commit and spend the rest of your life with him. He is not sure about what he is doing, perhaps I think some time apart from each other would be a good idea.

 

He is carrying over an emotional baggage that is repeating now: marriage. That scares him away.

When people divorce, sometimes they lose hope in another marriage. Their first marriage failed, so they are afraid it’s going to fail again.

He is having insecurities because the same negative pattern from his past is going to happen again, he thinks. Postponing/cancelling the wedding was a good idea.

If he doesn’t feel “ready”, you can't really force him. No one can, I am afraid. His parents, his friends, no one can change how he feels about that.

 

You must feel shattered now, it is normal. But you not eating doesn’t make any good. I know, you lost the appetite and you are now afraid to lose him forever. That won’t happen. You have been together long enough, he knows that you adore him most of all.

 

What I would suggest is to give him some time to reflect on his life, his goals.

Regarding the NC and his stuff in the apartment, you can tell him that you won’t be there when he comes over to collect his belonging. As hard as it is, you shouldn’t be there when he comes. That would kill you and make you feel like you have been “abandoned”. When you shut the door after he leaves, you will have the worse time of your life. So, don't be there. And don't leave him any notes either. Go cold turkey!

 

Relationships with divorced people are difficult sometimes. But not impossible.

 

I am unable to give you a message of hope at the moment. What I can say is that you need to be strong, eat and sleep properly. Get support from your family and friends. Get away for a while, a city break or something.

 

Give him space (even though it seems that you gave him space too many times).

 

If he is scared of another “commitment”, he must tell you clearly. Tell him that you are willing to give him time to think, but he must make up his mind about marriage because, as we all know, nobody waits forever.

 

If he doesn’t want to be married with you, and you want to get married someday, I don’t think you should be in this relationship, unless you are willing to give up that part of life.

 

Marriage is important, it’s not a joke. And it should be taken seriously. If there are struggles about it, perhaps it’s better for both of you to re-consider the relationship and where it’s heading.

 

Don’t push him too far away, and try not to have any contact with his family and friends.

 

He needs to face his life without you in it. He must miss you and come back, if he is willing to.

 

Don’t get depressed about this, it’s difficult to heal afterwards. Just carry on with your life, and when you get back home and feel “lonely”, get friends over or play some music. Or maybe get back home only to sleep.

 

Don’t stay in bed all day, that’s the worse you can do now. And be gentle with yourself.

 

You deserve to be happy, and so does he. Things will work out for the best. They always do.

 

Everything is going to be alright, OK?

 

Take care!

[zii]

Thank you for that: I do know that he's afraid he won't be enough for me; won't be able to love me the way I need to be loved. He's said this and I believe his fear is real. I hope I wasn't out of line by talking to his dad and his friend (both men, both married) and asking them if they would be willing to talk to him; to guide him. I won't deny that part of my motivation was selfish, but I really do want him to not have to struggle with this anymore even if (god I don't want to type it) it isn't with me. I love him fully and that means that I really do want him to be happy.

 

I read an article on the stages of grieving after a relationship ends: denial, anger, bargaining, despair, acceptance. I suppose they sound about right. I was probably in denial that things were going downhill before he terminated things and I think it's pretty clear that I'm bargaining now. The knowledge is good, and I know I have to keep my distance, but neither of those things takes the pain away or dimishes the hope that maybe... maybe the break up will be what finally makes him face his difficulty head on.

 

...any thoughts about how to deal with delivering his things to him? I suppose I could just pack everything up and put it in his garage. He can come get it at any time without having to see me. I'm having trouble not wanting to know if his friends/parents are having an effect.

[TwelveThirty]

Denial and work aren't the same. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Maybe a combination of both afterall. Being vindicative is never good, though, so it's all the better if we can't make a clear distinction. Better let it go slowly than abruptly, unless it doesn't work well that way.

[zii]

@Never2Late and @TwelveThirty: I am truly surprised to hear from anyone that maybe I shouldn't give up just yet. I thought everyone would confirm that I should give up and hope that someday he figures it out. ...granted, no one is telling me to rush to him and I recognize that. I know whenever he left on business trips or other man-vacations he always missed me, even if he didn't contact me while he was gone. He always came back after a week or two with open arms and needing to snuggle me. Am I silly to think that could resurface in him after being apart for a while? I know that I simply can't let him back into my heart if that's all that has changed: as @quantumst8 says it's a life-change he must come to realize and make on his own. Oh, but hope!!!

[Never2Late]

You love him. If you give up, you walk away from love. Don't do that.

[zii]

Argh! I truly truly do love him! Every stupid freckle and quirk; every mannerism, his independence, his brilliance, and how he makes me want to be a better woman not just for him, but for everyone I interact with. I don't want to give up, but I'm very worried about pushing him further away since things are so delicate. I hate to prod for details, but I don't particularly trust my own judgement: does anyone (@Never2Late?) have a suggestion of how I should not give up without smothering his potential for epiphany?

[quantumst8]

OP: In getting him his things, do it in whatever way is easiest for you. Remember, he is the one that can't fulfill his role in this relationship so you have the right to guard your own heart and do what's best for you.

 

As for letting go, it's the only way to heal. If at some point in life a few years from now you should happen to still be single and he should have happened to figure out his way, then perhaps you could give it another go with a new relationship. But that's what it would be--an entirely new relationship. In any case, you shouldn't wait for that or hold on to hope for that. You need to live your own life in the present. This guy is an unfinished man (like so many men) and waiting for him would do neither of you any good. You're not walking away from love; you're walking away from a failed relationship. Love is the action that allows two people to let go and wish each other the best in a situation like this. By the way, you'll be able to tell just how good his heart really is by whether or not he comes crawling back in a short time. If he does, you'll know he's selfish and it's neediness, not love, that is in fact causing him to pursue you again.

 

Please move on. The guy that is right for you is still out there and you should free your heart now so that it's ready when he comes along.

[Never2Late]

Trust your own judgement first of all. You love him this much, he makes you a better person. You have your answers.Be clear with him. Tell him that you are not going to give up because you are meant to be together. Tell him that you are willing to help him work on his fears. Tell him that you want to be his partner for life, his wife, the mother of his children. And that you are not going anywhere. Tell him to think, reflect, at his own pace, to take the time he needs. Don't involve anyone from his side, that's smothering.Tell him this very clear, with a confident look, in his eyes...and go NC.And tell him that this is the last time. If he doesn't want what you want, I'm sorry to say this but you must let him go.

[Never2Late]

Sorry for the bad formatting, I'm writing from mobile...

[zii]

Whew, okay. ...do you have a suggestion for when I should give him the speech? It seems a little odd to try to tell him things like that at the same time I'm clearing his things out of our home... (I did his laundry today because it seemed rude to pack dirty clothes. I always liked doing a load of his laundry every once in a while for him. Stop being sad...)

[Never2Late]

You could send him a letter, hand written, after he has collected his things. You're right, that won't be a good time. Also because you won't be there, right?!

[zii]

Right: I think I'm just going to pack everything nicely and put it in his garage (we have separate ones). Then he doesn't have to schedule a time or times to come get things and I don't have to worry about seeing him face to face (maybe out the window).

[Never2Late]

That's torture! You don't have to see him leaving, you won't take that easy if you do.

[annie24]

zii - i think you deserve a man who wants to marry you, 150% with every fiber in his body. don't wait around for this guy to get his act together. i know you must be heart broken, i know i would be in your situation. but he doesn't sound like a man who is willing to face his fears. you aren't his ex. i suggest you go to counseling on your own for a while, so you can get some inner peace, but i really think this has nothing to do with you, unfortunately. hang in there.

[zii]

I'm going to go skiing, alone, this weekend. We were supposed to go together and I tried to get a friend to come with me instead, but none were available. I hope that being out of the house, a long drive, and something physical will help quiet the fire in my chest and the knots in my belly. I try not to think it because I know it's not helpful, but I can't figure out why a concept so simple to me is not even seen as a desire to him.

[Stay_home]

Zii,

 

I commend you for your continued love & support of your boyfriend/fiancee. It's evident by your posts that you are infact desperate for this to work, pouring your heart and soul into any shred of hope that he will snap into his senses, return and be ready to do this. For your sake, you seem very happy and I wish that could happen for you.

 

Unfortunately I just don't see that he's really ready to make that sort of commitment right now. Now, that's a hard ass pillow to sleep on at night, I'm sure. But for your sake, how unfair and unjust it would be to marry this man knowing that he's got one foot in and one foot out of the door. As Annie stated above, you have to absolutely be committed 150% in order for this marriage to work. I'm not sure he's able to give you this right now.

 

My thoughts are that at least if he wasn't sure about the marriage, you both could've put it off for a little while longer, went to therapy, counseling, anything - but at least you both will still be together. That to me would show that your boyfriend is making every effort possible to make this work. He's been divorced, he's been hurt so he has fears and insecurities about this, no doubt. Instead of doing this, he left you. That to me (unless he has a sudden epiphany) says to me that he doesn't have the desire to surrender himself into seeking help not only for himself, but for you as well and because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

 

At this point, it's really your call. You can try to reconcile or you can move on and find someone ready to actually marry. Only you know the answer to that question. Because there are now new questions (for him) that loom over the valley. Will he leave again? If you have a family some day, will he just walk out on you, the kids, the dog, when things begin to get rough? Will he be 150% committed to the marriage? So, he's very questionable right now and these are pretty serious questions that need answers, even if he did decide to come back with a change of heart. You cannot ignore that. If you do decide to turn in the other direction and leave him be, I would recommend seeing a counselor or specialist to help you cope with the loss of this man and to give yourself an opportunity to heal your broken heart before moving on.

 

Good luck & God bless.

[zii]

@2SidedCoin, I know that everything you're saying is right and I would never marry him if he wasn't fully committed (I'd told him that when we were still together). I'm struggling with the fact that he threw in the towel: we were working on things, we were going to counseling. Things were getting better I thought: and then he just quit and I don't understand how he could have seen things so hopelessly. He said he didn't think that what we wanted for our futures was the same, but couldn't give a single example. We didn't always agree on everything, but I've had a change of heart on some things (most notably kids), but this doesn't seem to register with him. It's like he can only remember my feelings from a year ago and doesn't recognize that I've change some of my wants for me.

[zii]

I went skiing today. I don't know if it was a good idea or not. I skiid better than I ever have, but every lift I rode I thought about how we should be doing it together and about how he was somewhere on the mountain having fun without me. I saw someone who could be him once and immediately knew it wasn't: I know his clothes, his gear, his style, his mannerisms. Then I thought about how I know everything about him and how he knows everything about me. I thought about how I miss hanging out with his friends. I kept thinking he would text to ask when we were meeting up for lunch: like the whole time we'd just been doing our own thing but that everything was okay. Every time I did something well I couldn't wait to tell him; to show him: he's my best friend! Every dad teaching a kid to ski made me think of him and how amazing he would be with ours someday. I thought every car on the road was his and how I would act if it was: hide? wave?

 

I wonder if I didn't make it clear enough that I love all the little things he does: I love all the things he does! I finally talked to my mom: I'd been avoiding it because I know that she would immediately just want to fix it (sometimes not in the best way). She too thinks that he's making a mistake. It seems that everyone who told him not to marry his exwife thinks that leaving this relationship is a mistake, and more since my family and friends agree as well. I'll keep trying to keep my distance as much as I can even though it's absolutely agonizing. And I'll hope with my last hope that one of the people he trusts, or all of them, or he alone is able to help him come to the realization that jumping in with both feet is wonderful and not scary when it's with me. The most wonderful thing in my world would be to be able to welcome him back with open arms and a happy heart.

 

Sorry for the ramble: I just needed to bleed a bit.

[annie24]

i think skiing was a great idea. getting out there, getting some exercise.... i know it hurts because everything you do reminds you of him, but it's just going to be that way for a while. even if you went to the grocery store, you'd be reminded of him whenever you walked by his favorite cookies, etc.... hang in there!!

[zii]

Hi, everyone.

He contacted me today. It couldn't have been more than 1/2 hour after he got back from the ski trip (the one we both took, but not together). He only said "Hi, how was your trip", no doubt an awkward start to the conversation he really wanted to have. Unfortunately, he sent it to me at work, and I simply didn't trust myself to have the emotional strength to talk to him and remain professional, so I said hi and that I was at work but it was nice to hear from him; then asked if we could chat later. He said sure and I have yet to hear from him, although I'd had plans tonight and just got home (not sure if he watching for me to be online?). It's very stupid, but part of me (every sad cell) is hoping that he wants to talk because he missed me and wonders if he made a mistake. I'm trying to prepare myself however for him to simply ask to arrange a time to pick up the rest of his things. ...isn't it silly that I wish I could stay in this place of hope just a little while longer?

[Ms Darcy]

I point this out because I think it's something you are not really taking in. He is not ready. Only six months out of a divorce (I personally don't EVER date recently divorced men because they need at least a couple of years to heal) and struggling with his identity and freedom. No therapy, no changes were going to change him ... because it didn't feel right for him.

 

You deserve someone who is ready for marriage. It is not from him right now.

[zii]

I sent a letter, and now enough. I'm turning my mind to the mundane demands of the day: apartment hunting, new job hunting, auto repairs, taxes. It's time to let adulthood's doldrums overtake and live in a feeling-less gray for a while.