Is My Friend Jealous of My Marriage???

[sweetheart91]

I recently just got married 6 months to a wonderful man! Although we had a rocky beginning things are going just fine now. I met him through a family member which is someone who I call my cousin since we are that much close. I've known her since I was about 16 but we just started getting close about 2 years ago when we both moved from new york to atlanta with my family. Her family lives in another country so mine took her in and she's been with us ever since. I met my husband through her at a club we went to and he was the friend of her boyfriend whom which she is dating now. I had went along with her for the ride of a previously relationship she had which was a rocky one. The guy was a complete ass and he was also abusive and psycho! I tried my best to advise her through this relationship and for her to GET OUT of it. She finally did and met this other guy that I really like who happens to be friends with my husband. The whole while we were in atlanta she was always in a relationship while I was single. I used to hang with her and go to her house all the time. So the night we went to the club I finally met someone. She had been trying to hook me up before but the guys were so useless and unattractive. When I met my husband she kind of cosigned for him and me and him started dating. After a while I wasn't really going to her house anymore and she started acting funny which was making me upset. Not only did she act funny but she would disrespect my man. David, which is my husband finally got tired of it and put us back together, we started talking from there but it was never really the same. I got married within a few months of knowing my husband and after that she started saying how she's skeptical about him and how she doesn't really like him. But never gave a valid reason as to why.

 

Recently my husband and I got into a huge fight where my family had to intervene(nothing domestic) and I had gone to her house to cool off while my husband took the situation to my family. I got a call to come and meet for a family meeting to discuss what was going on and she came along with me. Prior to this argument I had a discussion with my friend in regards to how she was acting towards my husband. Whenever we saw each other at like family gatherings or holidays she would never acknowledge him. She wouldn't speak to him, say hi or anything. SO i finally asked her what her problem was and why she was treating him in such a way. And the stupid answer she gave me was NO REASON. After trying to pry I got nothing and I just told her basically in a nutshell to be nice and mind her manners with him. So at the family meeting my sister asked why she didn't like him(it had come up in the conversation) and she gave more excuses than somebody going to jail for murder! She said she felt that we married too soon and that she wasn't really sure about him(and I was sitting there wondering how come she didn't tell me when I asked her) This coming from the person who pushed me to date him! i don't know if she wasn't expecting my relationship to go this strong or what. Her and her bf are currently having issues right now and there relationship is nothing compared to my husband and I. Could it be she's acting out of jealousy? I need answers!

[Circe]

There are a number of possible reasons of which jealousy is just one. Maybe he did something/said something to her that she just doesn't want to repeat/share; maybe she mistrusts him because of how quickly he proposed and suspects something is wrong with him (however unfair that may or may not be); perhaps her boyfriend told her something about this guy which she does not want to repeat which are causing the feelings.

 

We can't really guess at what her reasons are.

[Snny]

She said she felt that we married too soon and that she wasn't really sure about him(and I was sitting there wondering how come she didn't tell me when I asked her) This coming from the person who pushed me to date him!

You might not like my response, but I agree with her on this. If you and your husband have arguments... you both need to settle it on your own turf. Don't bring your family and your friends into your martial issues. You leaving to go hang out at her house is not how a married couple solve their problems and he had no right to bring YOUR family into the drama either. Whatever the fight was about... you both need to grow up and learn to resolve your differences between the two of you or this marriage isn't going to work out. To walk out on your husband after being married to him for six months is not a good sign.

 

Jealousy... I don't think so. She might be honest with you and say that after seeing how you both interact with one another. She might not want to deal with your husband since you can't get along with him and bring your problems about him to her front door.

 

Just a thought.

[abitbroken]

I would say that if she was in an abusive relationship, she has an idea that abusive men come on strong and charming in the beginning and whisk you off your feet before their true colors show and maybe she feared that in your relationship since you got married so darned fast. It is not something where you can say "well, she pushed you to date him" - she encouraged you to DATE him probably because you were always single while she was with someone and did not push you into marriage.

 

I agree that if you get family involved every time you have a nasty argument, the marriage won't last. its called triangulation when you tell other people the problems you are having with someone instead of going to them and resolving it with them and keeping it between husband and wife. If you need help, go to a counselor. Don't have your family treating you like you and your husband are their quarrelling children.

[Circe]

So true about the family involvement. You didn't ask for advice on that but just person to person: disagreements between a married couple should stay between them (or be disclosed to a counselor in the worst cases).

 

When my husband and I were still boyfriend/girlfriend - we had a disagreement about an issue which was very sensitive to him which caused him a lot of upset. To me it was just a discussion but for him it was extremely upsetting to hear/deal with and he was in tears etc. This was over the phone and he got his Dad and Mum to speak to me about it!!!!!!

 

I could not believe he got them involved (more because of the extremely private/personal nature of the particular dispute more than anything and how incredibly embarassing it was to speak to them about it). I handled the conversation with them very calmly (as I had the discussion with him) and very respectfully.. but let's just say - he knew after that day that they were NEVER to be involved in our issues EVER again. I wasn't angry with him about it but I made it patently clear that was NEVER to happen again. It is not ok. It's a total breach of boundaries and it is not conducive to building a primary unit/nuclear family with your partner.

[sweetheart91]

You might not like my response, but I agree with her on this. If you and your husband have arguments... you both need to settle it on your own turf. Don't bring your family and your friends into your martial issues. You leaving to go hang out at her house is not how a married couple solve their problems and he had no right to bring YOUR family into the drama either. Whatever the fight was about... you both need to grow up and learn to resolve your differences between the two of you or this marriage isn't going to work out. To walk out on your husband after being married to him for six months is not a good sign.

 

Jealousy... I don't think so. She might be honest with you and say that after seeing how you both interact with one another. She might not want to deal with your husband since you can't get along with him and bring your problems about him to her front door.

 

Just a thought.[ You leaving to go hang out at her house is not how a married couple solve their problems and he had no right to bring YOUR family into the drama either. She might be honest with you and say that after seeing how you both interact with one another. She might not want to deal with your husband since you can't get along with him and bring your problems about him to her front door.]

 

When we had the argument we(my husband and I) were both out. It was on the phone that we had the argument and when I was done where I was I called her to pick me up bc I was not with my car. I didn't bring up anything about the argument with my husband but just simply chose to go to her house bc I didn't want to deal with him at home. So NO I DID NOT BRING MY PROBLEMS TO HER FRONT DOOR. After I got married and noticed how funny she was acting I never discussed anything about my relationship with her anymore so as far as she knew, we were still in lovey dovey land. She's never seen us argue or fight so not wanting to deal with us bc we have disagreements is NOT the answer. My husband and I don't fight. We have disagreements/arguments like every human being/relationship. The only reason she got involved was bc when my husband went to talk to my family they called me to ask where I was and when I said I was with her they asked that I come with her. As far as my husband taking our issues to my family we hve discussed for him NOT to do that again bc you're exactly right! We are not children and don't need my family intervening as if my husband and I are quarreling siblings and my sisters are the parents. By the way love your quote about the ex and the kidnappers...freaking hilarious!

[sweetheart91]

I would say that if she was in an abusive relationship, she has an idea that abusive men come on strong and charming in the beginning and whisk you off your feet before their true colors show and maybe she feared that in your relationship since you got married so darned fast. It is not something where you can say "well, she pushed you to date him" - she encouraged you to DATE him probably because you were always single while she was with someone and did not push you into marriage.

 

I agree that if you get family involved every time you have a nasty argument, the marriage won't last. its called triangulation when you tell other people the problems you are having with someone instead of going to them and resolving it with them and keeping it between husband and wife. If you need help, go to a counselor. Don't have your family treating you like you and your husband are their quarrelling children.

 

[ I would say that if she was in an abusive relationship, she has an idea that abusive men come on strong and charming in the beginning and whisk you off your feet before their true colors show and maybe she feared that in your relationship since you got married so darned fast.]

 

She has no clue about relationships bc none of hers are successful, I was the one who spotted the abusive signs of her ex... she couldn't even spot them if they made a crash course for dummies. I had to keep warning her and warning her and when he finally smacked the crap out of her she finally got it(but still then wanted to continue the relationship with him only "if he begged her and apologized like he really meant it!" her words not mine!)! But couldn't get it when I told her that him getting so angry all the time and breaking dishes is a CLEAR sign that she needs to get away. That's neither here nor there so as far as me getting married so darned fast???... Millions do it! My husband and I knew what we wanted and just like every relationship we hve problems and we disagree. People that know each other for years before getting married still run into the same problems as my husband and I and still get divorced. So for me its not a matter of how long I knew him but how we're building everyday to make our relationship last.

[Circe]

"Millions" in a western society do not do it. It's one thing knowing what you want (many of us think we know that) and another seeing if the person we've met actually has what we want. The latter takes time. There's no substitute for time in learning who/what another person is.

 

Honestly I think you sound really nasty when you talk about her friend. You put her down, you put her intelligence down, you put her ability to be in a relationship down and you put her opinions down. Maybe that's why she doesn't want much to do with you these days.

[Gracelove]

Hey there!

 

This is an interesting one. She may have acted differently because she was upset you stopped visiting her. I know years ago, when I was a Freshman in college, I started dating this guy, and I stopped hanging out so much with one of my friends.

 

Our relationship completely changed. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd hurt her because I basically chose time with my boyfriend over time with her. After our friendship fizzled and ended, I made sure to always keep up my routine with my friends when I'm in a relationship.

 

You mentioned that you and your now-husband, had a rough time in the beginning. Friends can be really protective of each other. If a man is treating you badly, and she cares for you, then her view of him is going to be tainted. She isn't going to like him if he's mistreating you. So if you marry him afterwards, makes things awkward.

 

Sometimes friends bash men because they think that will help you to get rid of them. I know a best friend I had would bash the guys I was with, all of the time. I didn't really care. We were like sisters, and I felt she was entitled to her opinion. She recognized that the relationships I was in weren't great. She didn't like the guys, but I'd also like to think that was her way of letting me know I'd have her support if I dumped them.

 

Anywho, if you were close friends, she probably loves you, and is thinking of your best interest.

 

You live and you learn. I know my friends are protective of me, and I'm protective of them. If one of my friends came crying to me because of something her guy did, I didn't like the guy. However, I eventually realized, that's what happens in relationships. Guys can do horrible things to make girls cry, and vise versa. There isn't a need to be super protective, unless he's hitting on her or something. This is something I had to learn.

 

I think you should try to spend more time with your friend, if she's someone you care about. If my friends didn't like a guy I was dating, I made sure they didn't have to be around him. Of course sometimes they'd tolerate it if they wanted to be around me at a certain time, for a certain reason. Otherwise I kept them separated.

 

Some friends you have for a lifetime, some you have to let go.

 

When they see each other, does your husband attempt to talk to your friend, or does he ignore her as well?

[sweetheart91]

@ circe I don't care nor do I really live by society. I know plenty of people that marry after months of knowing each other. The heart wants what the heart wants and we wanted each other. You don't know this person like I do so to you it may seem like bashing but if you knew her then you'd keep quiet. So thnx but no thnx!

 

@gracelove I completely and totally understand what you're saying, but my husband doesn't treat me bad AT ALL. We've just had disagreements and arguments like EVERY relationship. My friend has never been involved or has seen any of our arguments so there would be no way she could think he's treating me bad. He's not abusive controlling or violent. I mean he has an ego and pride sometimes but what man doesn't. My husband and my friend were cool before him and I met. They didn't really know each other but at the time my husband was living with her bf bc they are friends so whenever my friend would go to visit her bf she would see my husband there and from what I know they were very cordial to one another. After my husband and I got married things went downhill bc I did stop spending time with her. She actually even made a comment to my husband that she would only stop being mad at him only if he allows us to be together every weekend(he never ever forbade me from hanging out with her). And she has admitted to me that she was upset with him bc she felt like he took me away from her. My husband has tried to be cordial but couldn't get past her continuous disrespect so he gave up. It's not like I completely abandoned her bc I got married, but whenever I hung out with her she just made me feel like I shouldn't be married. She invited me to a club one time and noticed my wedding ring and asked why are you wearing a wedding ring? She completely diminishes the fact that I am married and quite honestly this side of her has pushed me away

[bulletproof]

I don't think she's jealous. I think you blew her off once you got involved with someone, and she's annoyed by that. She may also feel that you got married too fast and clearly there are a lot of people who agree with that assessment, although ultimately that's really none of her business.

[Moontiger]

I think you WANT her to be jealous and nothing anyone here is going to change your mind. The fact is, there are parts of your story that any true friend would be worried about.

[abitbroken]

She has no clue about relationships bc none of hers are successful, I was the one who spotted the abusive signs of her ex... she couldn't even spot them if they made a crash course for dummies.

 

So, you think that little of her and think of yourself as a relationship expert when you say you were not dating for a long time? When you are in an abusive relationship, the abuser is very manipulative and after they are mean, they are very sweet and appear to change. It gives you hope. And it is easy to say "i told you so." I think if you are the expert, you should really review what people have said here and keep people out of your marriage. Also, when you blow her off except when you want someone to argue your side, you are going to lose her as a friend. I would walk away if I were her.

[Gracelove]

Hey there!

 

Things change when people get married. You're supposed to spend more time with your spouse. She feels like you chose him over her, but that's kind of natural. Do you think you could tell her that the reason you don't hang around is because of the things she says?

I think that would help. Maybe she'd understand that it's between you and her, not her and your husband.

Let her know that he didn't take you away, her behavior pushed you away.

 

If she isn't able to understand the situation, I think that maybe you'll have to let her go as a friend. It's sad, but what else is there to do? Your husband isn't going anywhere. If she is a really good friend, hopefully a heart-to-heart will clear things up. Tell her you love her but she has to stop talking about your husdand.

 

Hopefully you can work it out, good girlfriends are hard to come by. Your girlfriends will be there for you through everything, ups and down, relationships, etc. If she's good in every other way I'd definitely keep her.

 

When my friend would bash my boyfriends, I can't remember what I'd say, to make her stop. She was funny though, so at some points she would make me laugh.

 

If you can, I would keep them separated. Ooo, another thing you could do is not act annoyed when she says something about your husband. She might be doing it to get a reaction out of you.

 

Who knows her reasons, if it's getting to be too much for you, it's okay to move on.