swept off feet

[Lucy3]

I know that life isnt like in the movies where prince charming sweeps you off you feet and you ride into the sunset etc but sometimes i just think it would be nice to feel appreciated and wanted a bit. Every guy ive dated or been out with doesnt really make much effort and it just kind of plods along, im not relly explaining myself very well but its hard to put it into words. I see so many other people that get treated so well, flowers, surprises, etc and ive never been bought flowers or been surprised by a guy, i always feel they dont make enough effort. Perhaps i should be more demanding or high maintenance, but i hate girls like that and dont want to be like that. I dont really expect a lot but just a bit or excitement would be nice once in a while! Sorry rant over lol

[professorplum]

That doesn't seem unreasonable at all. I have done that very thing to certain women and it has not been appreciated. 'I don't like surprises' and 'I don't like you spending all your money on me' were comments I received. So I suppose it comes back to finding the right person and having that compatabilty so such things happen naturally. If you told the bloke in question that's what you wanted then the whole surprise element would be lost. Some romance(especially at the start of a relationship) is no bad thing but from my experience, not all guys seem to think it's important.

[dan10]

surprisingly enough lucy.... life is actually very much like the movies. there's some great wonderful guy that isnt prince charming who gets overlooked by all the beautiful girls then prince charming shows up all the girls swoon over him, the hottest girl with the "best" body gets mr prince charming, and then everyone else is just kind of left there wishing they had what prince charming and princess girl have. but there are a couple things to think about. first is a saying i heard towards all girls looking for their prince charming and this doesnt seem to apply to you to much but i still feel it should be repeated over and over. "If you want a prince charming, you better act and look like a princess" but prince charming and being pampered like that shouldnt be your goal and here's why its a list of disney princesses and how they are screwing up girls and how they view the world.

 

if you want to find a nice guy that will treat you right go to the coffee house or something like that and look for the guy sitting in the corner by himself that looks a little uncomfortable. those are the ones that are spending all their time thinking about how if they had a girlfriend how they would treat her amazingly and always do things for her. the guys that are sexy and hot get plenty of girls and can treat them however they want because they have options. guys that are alone in the corner dont have options so they try to keep whatever they can get.

 

if you can get an 8 or 9 aim for a 6 or 7 and it will be much easier and the guys will be much better quality. looks will fade in 15-30 years. dont be trying to get with the guys that you think are hot.

[Lucy3]

Thanks for your replies

 

Dan- ive heard this kind of thing many times, i actually dont go for the typical good looking guys that always go for the 'princesses' to be honest i dont really have a type, for me its whether there is a spark there and for me i look for the whole package and not just looks. Believe me many times ive had the ' good looking, player' types show interest in me and that kind of vibe about them really puts me off. Ive dated a variety of different types of guys, shy ones, quietly confident ones, arrogant ones and its always the same when it comes down to how they are with me, its like they feel they dont need to impress me. But like i said im not the type that expects gifts or flowers all the time. Its not even really the material stuff at all, i guess i just want them to show that i mean something to them, like plan a surprise day or night out or something, i guess what im looking for is a bit of romance.

 

Thanks professor plum, good to know there are some guys out there who are romantic, dont change the way you are- there are girls out there tht appreciate that kind of stuff!!!

[Alezia]

I figure you are the type who feels valued when they received gifts. You got to remember that not everyone might share this value system, and others may like compliments, spending time with you, making an act of service etc... While you don't need and shouldn't ever ASK for gifts, I would sort of hint it otherwise that it is important for you.

 

I completely agree that it's important to feel loved by the way we make sense out of love. I wouldn't feel bad that surprises or gifts is your version of the prince charming. I feel like prince charmings are different for every girl, not necesairly what's depicted by Disney. Although some of them are rather good looking...

[Thorshammer]

Life is NOT like the movies. My ex liked to read fantasy novels and watch movies and complain how I dont do certain things, it was ridiculous considering all the BS i took from her and still managed to emotionally stimulate her when she needed me, always. The things i did were over-looked because some guy at her job came with flowers, or that jacob from twilight did whatever in that corny story. She doesnt realize that i spent hours reading up on depression, or that i couldnt sleep at night because she was always hurt, or that i wrote for hours on ways to help us, or that i knew her breathing patterns and could time her expressions.

 

And it takes two to tango. I can be a prince charming if her behavior makes me do it. I go on what you give me. If i feel comfortable with you, then i can be free to express myself, you expect to have some "reward", then i expect one as well. There were woman who i wanted to give the world to, and there were others who i didnt. There was one ex who i supported when she was pregnant, and after she gave birth we dated, only thing i ever gave her in terms of material was a cellphone. Though she broke up with me, she doesnt remember the phone, she remembers everything else i did. I spent far more energy and emotion on her than whatever was in my bank account at that time.

[capuccino83]

I've found that it's generally the guys that I am dating long-term, not just recently met, that put more effort into romance. Honestly, wouldn't you be sketched out if some guy you dated for a month planned a big surprise or event? I wouldn't put that much effort into someone I barely know nor would I expect a normal person to do the same. So if you're complaining about the guys that you are meeting and dating.. then, it's time to realize that people are busy and we're not living in a hollywood movie.

 

If it's long term partners you're worried about - that comes down to better decision making about who you become long term partners with.

[Lucy3]

I figure you are the type who feels valued when they received gifts. You got to remember that not everyone might share this value system, and others may like compliments, spending time with you, making an act of service etc... While you don't need and shouldn't ever ASK for gifts, I would sort of hint it otherwise that it is important for you.

 

I completely agree that it's important to feel loved by the way we make sense out of love. I wouldn't feel bad that surprises or gifts is your version of the prince charming....

 

Sorry i dont think i explained myself properly, i mean i dont expect gifts. I guess i just want to be shown rather than just told thst a guy likes me. I always have guys tell me thy like me and give it all the talk but their actions never match their words.

[Lucy3]

I've found that it's generally the guys that I am dating long-term, not just recently met, that put more effort into romance. Honestly, wouldn't you be sketched out if some guy you dated for a month planned a big surprise or event? I wouldn't put that much effort into someone I barely know nor would I expect a normal person to do the same. So if you're complaining about the guys that you are meeting and dating.. then, it's time to realize that people are busy and we're not living in a hollywood movie.

 

If it's long term partners you're worried about - that comes down to better decision making about who you become long term partners with.

 

Yeah you are probably right, at the beginning it is more about getting to know a person and seeing how things go before all the romance begins

[Lucy3]

By the way what do the 5 orange stars on this thread mean?

[Ms Darcy]

surprisingly enough lucy.... life is actually very much like the movies. there's some great wonderful guy that isnt prince charming who gets overlooked by all the beautiful girls then prince charming shows up all the girls swoon over him, the hottest girl with the "best" body gets mr prince charming, and then everyone else is just kind of left there wishing they had what prince charming and princess girl have.

 

In this world view, only three types of people exist: "nice guys," hot girls, and hot guys. Interesting how women who aren't "hot" aren't even part of the equation.

[The_Seeker]

Ha ha ha I saw soooo did that twice. Now they're my exes.

 

But to the OP, Dan has a point. The guys were like the guys that Dan described. The first one broke up with me because he wanted to date other girls. So basically he dated me just for his college experience. Man, I felt used when he said that.

 

Second ex was due to him lying to me.

 

So OP, don't judge a guy because he's not being romantic or whatever,

 

Every can surprise or disappoint you at the same time. Just expect the unexpected!

[The_Seeker]

In this world view, only three types of people exist: "nice guys," hot girls, and hot guys. Interesting how women who aren't "hot" aren't even part of the equation.

 

That's why when ANY NICE GUY say "Nice guys finish last."

 

I spit out my tea and say "Dude, NICE GIRLS finish last. End of story."

[capuccino83]

That's why when ANY NICE GUY say "Nice guys finish last."

 

I spit out my tea and say "Dude, NICE GIRLS finish last. End of story."

 

People with messed up perceptions of dating and reality finish last.

[The_Seeker]

People with messed up perceptions of dating and reality finish last.

 

I don't know about that.

 

I think it depends on the individual and who they are with.

[Alezia]

Sorry i dont think i explained myself properly, i mean i dont expect gifts. I guess i just want to be shown rather than just told thst a guy likes me. I always have guys tell me thy like me and give it all the talk but their actions never match their words.

 

What exactly do you mean by shown? To me romantic gestures, sort of fall into the 'gift' category. Although they are both equivalent. Things such as a nice meal out on the town, spa outing etc.. fall into that same category. Do you feel like the guys you meet simply don't respect you and your time?

 

If by shown you mean that the guy actually calls when he says he will, follows up on his commitments etc... that is completely different to me. I assume that you are looking for for the second paragraph with actions that match his words?

[Alezia]

Life is NOT like the movies. My ex liked to read fantasy novels and watch movies and complain how I dont do certain things, it was ridiculous considering all the BS i took from her and still managed to emotionally stimulate her when she needed me, always. The things i did were over-looked because some guy at her job came with flowers, or that jacob from twilight did whatever in that corny story. She doesnt realize that i spent hours reading up on depression, or that i couldnt sleep at night because she was always hurt, or that i wrote for hours on ways to help us, or that i knew her breathing patterns and could time her expressions.

 

While I see that you loved her, I think that mentality can get dangerous. You feel like she should feel like she is loved because of the above actions. In essence, you are saying that because those are things you value, then she should too - and 'I have the right answer'. The second girl you dated preferred services and kind acts over gifts, but that does not make it better or worst than the first girl. Maybe the first girl couldn't care less that you knew her breathing patterns or could time her expressions. I personally wouldn't feel loved for it, I would just assume you have an odd personality quirk that I would dismiss. I also wouldn't want someone 'reading countless hours' into my own problems, it's usually better for me to be left alone with my problems and attack them like a big girl.

 

I think it's more important for you to ask her what she likes to receive, except you felt like flowers or grand romantic gestures were the wrong answer. Yes ultimately you can break off the relationship because you don't like people who value materialistic things, but it's usually a better idea to try to put yourself in their shoes. Do things that they will actually value, as opposed to feeding them whatever you feel like they should value.

 

I've had boyfriends who valued sex on a nightly basis and help around the house, but couldn't care less about gifts or any poem and grand romantic gestures. Another guy loved poems, scrapbooks and love letters - even though I am not a romantic girl, I tried to do my best to make him happy in that regard. Another one loved to travel, and paying my share of the ticket wasn't exactly cheap either. Why should I say that they are unrealistic and wrong? I think you do expect some kind of 'reward', it may just be something non-materialistic.

[FathomFear]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted. The problem, I would say, is that this "criticism" tends to be mostly lodged by women due to how they're raised to think of themselves as princesses. They think their attention inherently needs to earned or won, as if they are the "prize". I'd hope that anyone who wants to be lavished once in a while also demands the same from him/herself, and also lavishes their partner as well.

[capuccino83]

I don't know about that.

 

I think it depends on the individual and who they are with.

 

Well yea.. perceptions are individual. But "nice guys" don't finish last. Guys who bend over backwards to please a woman because they have low self esteem and are desperate finish last. Because their perception of themselves, how to treat women and how dating works is wrong.

 

I seriously doubt that an emotional stable, confident, nice guy is going to finish last.

[Alezia]

Yes of course, the lavishing would be from both partners with whatever their preferences are. It's not a one way deal. It's just that men and women tend to value different things. I do notice that women tend to value material possessions more than men, but I do not think that is bad by itself. Often women will be doing most of the cooking and cleaning for men in the relationship. They also tend to sacrifice materialistic possessions for themselves, and in turn give more to the kids, than most than men do. (I'm not talking about casual dating of course) So in essence, I can understand why women love to receive roses or what not as gift for St-Valentin's day. I don't really think it's because of a 'prize' mentality.

 

Of course I've met these 'princesses' (I'll avoid putting the real life princess I've met in this category, since I guess if you are a princess then you are allowed to act like one), but I think that men seem to dump anyone that values nice things into this category nowadays.

[The_Seeker]

Well yea.. perceptions are individual. But "nice guys" don't finish last. Guys who bend over backwards to please a woman because they have low self esteem and are desperate finish last. Because their perception of themselves, how to treat women and how dating works is wrong.

 

I seriously doubt that an emotional stable, confident, nice guy is going to finish last.

 

Unless cupid blinded him, he will. ;]

 

Let's put this nice guy/girl finish last.

 

It's the nice person. To make it gender neutral.

[Alezia]

I think 'nice guy' is interpreted in two different ways here. One definition of them involves no confidence and no emotional stability and high dependance and validation need.

[Thorshammer]

There is more to the story, i just didnt see a reason to have to explain or defend it. But the basic point was, she attacked me based on her depression, like she attacked other men, who have left her or used her. I have done those things exactly to the T, my name was still thrown in the dirt, which she has done.

 

With that kind of thought, she didnt stimulate me the way i wanted either, she did the complete opposite (far from it- she pushed me away), hence why i focused on how she "threw bs at me"- then decided to nitpick on what she felt she deserved.

 

And i always tried to open up communication with her, i knew exactly what she needed and wanted, but its not easy dealing with someone with depression (especially since for a long time she denied having it).

 

Regardless, its a whole situation you are trying to explain which goes far beyond this post.

[Realitynut]

I kept telling ex bf about the 5 love language (even read him passages) from the book. He ended up using it as an excuse to dump me. He said, "You always want words of affirmation, and I just can't do it".

I really need the love language of "time"...time to talk, etc. At the end I had to get a 'timer' and set it when we were on the phone, cuz he didn't want to 'talk' that long. Whereas in the beginning ALL of our convo's lasted an hour or longer....sigh...

 

I would recommend everyone to go out and buy that book. It's been around for YEARS! It's a very easy read.

5 Love Languages...I think by Gary Chapman.

 

I really want ALL the love languages, but then again...I'm greedy!!!

[Alezia]

I haven't read that book, but it seems to mesh with my trend of thoughts. Perhaps I should add it to my pile of 'should read'.

 

Thors - I don't mean to say that your relationship was resumed to those simple lines. It doesn't sound like the relationship as whole was a very healthy and compatible one, so it probably would have failed anyways if you did gift her many things. I was simply trying to put the counter-point to your post in order to open discussion.