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ex's befriending each other? [color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color]?

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Hey there,

incase no one knows my story, i have recently broke up with my ex of 3 months of LDR, known her for 7 months though and we have had a very nasty break up. I do regret breaking up with her as it was a heat of the moment thing and ive apologized to her countless number of times and tried to get her back but she has just gotten more nasty with me and pretty much hates me


we broke up a month a go and have been going NC for a week now, im pretty proud of myself despite the fact i still have re-occurring urges to contact her and especially now as i have just found out she has gone and befriended my old ex? and it seems now they are best mates and are flirty/close, even though my recent ex has already "found someone new".......I feel totally betrayed by the both of them esp my last recent ex, why the hell would she do this? whats she trying to get out of being best friends with my old ex? I know for a fact they rubbish me all the time together as i have heard this from a mutual friend.....


I have strong urges to message her and ask her * * * she's doing?? but i know it will only make things worse....i'm so puzzled...what does all this mean??

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I have honestly never been in your situation, but I have felt the need to befriend another ex of one of my old boyfriend's. I didn't actually end up doing so but perhaps I can explain why I wanted to. I don't know the details of your relationship, but even if your break up went well and even if you were a good significant other, she may have still felt betrayed. Under the circumstances of your nasty breakup, she PROBABLY does.


Personally, my ex boyfriend was a jerk. Dating him was the most idiotic thing I've ever done. I met his most recent girlfriend while we were still dating and liked her. I even found out that they had slept together while I was still in a relationship with him and I still liked her. I no longer harbor foul feelings toward my ex, but I did feel bad knowing that he was probably treating his newest girlfriend just as poorly as he treated me. In fact, before I severed all ties with him, he confided that he was cheating on her too. Instead of feeling validated, I just felt awful for this girl. I know that their relationship has ended, because I'm still friends with his ex on facebook and I can only assume that she smartened up. My point is, on more than one occasion, I have thought about attempting to extend the arm of friendship to this girl. I don't think about it as a way of sticking it to my ex (though perhaps your ex girlfriend does). I think about being friends with her because we both had a similar experience and it would be nice to know that the terrible stuff that I put up with in that relationship wasn't just my fault.


Again, I can't speak for your exes, but I know that it sometimes helps you get through a breakup if you realize you're not alone.

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I understand what your saying phoneix. I had a great relationship with my recent ex, even though it was LDR i was really in love with her and i thought she was too but towards the end of the relationship i felt she was already breaking up with me emotionally eg: being distant, never having time for me anymore...whenever i confronted her about she was really mean and treated me like crap so i broke it off but it was then when i broke it off that i knew i had made a big mistake..... i tried to get her back and talk to her but she always ignored me/went nasty on me...and yeah we ended on bad terms...both said and did alot of hurtful things to each other which i regret too but she was too blame for part of it......


And as for my old ex, i never really loved her, i just felt we were more just good friends that got on well but i never felt a sexual attraction to her and so i left her because i didnt want to lead her on anymore even though i know i hurt her too....


But for the both of them to team up and become best mates is so low and a betrayal and i dont know what they get out of putting me down, talking bad about me when theyre not exactly perfect either....it hurts like hell especially since they are flirting/planning on seeing each other soon....


Do i send a nasty text to them or just let it go? i feel so betrayed an hurt by the both of them....

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Personally, I feel that you should let it go. If you really want to say something to them, you might express to them that you are hurt and would prefer if things can remain civil between the three of you. If you do choose to contact either of them, I would say your peace and be done with them.


It sounds to me like you've gotten the short end of the stick here and that they really are just being cruel. Perhaps they are being cruel because they both feel hurt. I am not saying you are to blame, but perhaps your more recent ex became distant because something was upsetting her. Whatever the reason is that they are hurting you, it is not right for them to carry on this way. The best thing you can do is accept what both you and your ex did wrong in your relationship and move forward. I know it's difficult and is probably still very fresh, but you deserve a relationship with someone who isn't going to abuse you during your relationship or after it.

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I know but i dont want them to see that i care and im hurting even though i am very much.....


i really hope they both crash and burn for this and i dont mean that in a vindictive way but what they're doing isnt right in my opinion. And they also have the decency to go and bag me out on their blogging sites and then bagging out my sex life with them...how bloody low! no matter how hurt and angry they are they should never have done that.....You dont see me going around befriending all my recent ex's past partners.... I do really feel like letting them have it but i know they will both use it against me since they are already going around calling me "psycho, creep" etc which hurts.......


Im sorry i just need to vent

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It's alright, it sounds like a crappy situation.


People are going to do what they do. Really the only thing you can control is how you respond to it. At least if you let them know how you're feeling you might be able to make your own peace with it, knowing that you tried.You're the one who can give their nasty words power over you or not. If you can learn to let it go, they will eventually move on too. But I know this is definitely easier said than done.

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I don't know if I should make that call for you.


If it was me, I would say something once and then let it go.


I know you're really angry (understandably), but I would recommend that if you do decide to contact them that you try to be as non-confrontational as possible. If you don't feel that you can do that, it might be better if you just let them go without saying anything. Saying something out of anger may only make them fight back worse and hurt you more.

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hmm i wouldnt even know what to say

i just dont know why they are doing this and why they feel the need to team up and hate on me.....i know i made mistakes but so did they...i really just want to be civil with them....i feel so hurt and betrayed that they would do this and more then anything i hope they crash and burn big time

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They'll run out of steam eventually, as long as you don't fuel the fire by being aggressive back at them.


If you would like to talk to them though, perhaps you can take some time to reflect on what you did wrong and start the conversation with an apology. Then you can let them know how you're feeling betrayed. If they don't listen, they don't deserve your time.


I hope they do listen though. I know that sometimes people get carried away when they don't think the people who hurt them get it. And even if you do apologize and try to understand, it may take time. There's really no excuse for the behavior. I'm just trying to think of reasons why they might be doing this.

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trust me i know i made a mistake with my recent ex, i know i hurt her, i get it trust me and ive learnt the hard way.....but for them and esp my recent ex to carry on like this is pathetic....i never betrayed her and teamed up with her ex's.....i do feel like writing my recent ex one last long email apologizing about the way i acted after our break up since i am to blame a bit but so is she....the more i want to do clear the air the more angrier i am about her betraying me like this...im so confused

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Funny timing, I just had a run in with this topic tonight. Randomly, I talked to my ex-ex on the phone tonight. She told me that right after my break up 3 months ago with my recent ex, that most recent ex messaged her (on FB of course) complaining about me, saying a bunch of totally ridiculous stuff like how I was "so mean" and saying really crappy false things about me....it got me really mad actually. She said they continued to talk for about 2 weeks after that. It got me pretty upset/mad, considering both of them left me for other guys, so it's not like they had "war stories" to compare about dating me......



All I can really say is....HANG IN THERE! WERE BREATHING...doesn't that count for something amazing in itself?!?! What they are doing really should have ZERO effect of us, and eventually, it will


Keep your heads up!

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hahahha serious?? omg thats exactly what my recent ex did! pretty much rubbishing me to her and telling her how much of an as$hole i am etc etc" its pathetic but in a way really funny lol....i guess it just hurts more than anything and i feel totally betrayed that she would go and do that as i dont know what shes getting out of it....but she seems to think shes the saint and did nothing wrong which she is way off

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A few years ago, I dated a guy who turned out to be pretty emotionally abusive. He was wonderful for the first few months, and I finished the relationship a couple of months after he showed his abusive side. He had an ex live-in partner who had been terrible to him, a psycho, all that... then I realised that actually he was doing all the things that he accused her of doing. Then he started accusing me of some really strange behaviour, too - again, things that he himself was doing. I commented once that I wondered how much truth there really was in the things he'd said about X, given the stuff he was coming out with about me. He hit the roof.


Anyway, long story short - we were all at a festival. I happened to be near his ex at the back of a concert, and told her that I'd split up with him - and that she had my every sympathy! As it happened, we seemed to be going to many of the same events, and we also went to another festival a few weeks later. Our bond strengthened, and years later we're still friends. Obviously he's been left in the past, but at the time it was enormously affirming and validating to talk to someone who really knew what the score was - because she'd been there herself.


The fact that these girls are friends is none of your business, really. I'd leave it. The other thing is that if you do go in telling them what they should or should not do, and letting them know you're very annoyed about it - that will give them even more to gossip about. I get that you don't like it - I'm sure that 'our' ex didn't either - but anything you do will more than likely make it worse.

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oh wow thats interesting! and no im not going to say anything because ive been in NC for a week now and i dont want to ruin it or let them get to me....i just thinks its abit out of place what she's doing...i understand she's hurt but everytime i have tried apologizing she just pushes me away and tells me how much she hates me and to leave her alone...mind you she hated my old ex up to a few months ago and now their best friends

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I can see that this is grieving you, but as someone above mentioned, it really has nothing to do with you anymore. You are causing this pain yourself by tormenting yourself about it....


Secondly, if you're going to live your life worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you, you'll probably end up in a straight jacket OK...! Just build a good life and take care of yourself and your friends and family...mainly yourself.*


I'm glad you have decided to not contact them because this too shall pass and you wont be giving them the chance to laugh at you and put you down even further....I say that because I'm sure whatever you say isn't going to bother them one hoot...It will just add fuel to the fire...


Of course if you got laid off work or lost business because of something they did or said then that is defamation and action would be called for....but that's not the case here is it*


Now on we go....Ever Forward!

Carus* 8-)

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If she was treating you the way she was, that caused you to break up with her, I highly doubt that this was a mistake you made.


Consider this, if you give her grief about talking to your other ex, you will only cause them to talk more - the exact opposite of what you want. Just let it be.


As far as ruining chances for reconciliation (with her) - sounds like your ex needs to mature and change her ways and learn to treat you better for her to have a chance of reconciling with you!

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i dont want to find someone better though, i just want her


You want her back, but at what cost? As you stated...


towards the end of the relationship i felt she was already breaking up with me emotionally eg: being distant, never having time for me anymore...whenever i confronted her about she was really mean and treated me like crap so i broke it off


If you were to convince her (parenthetically, not a good start to a reconciliation by any means) to reconcile with you, how long would you be able to compromise your own needs and desires within the relationship before you hit a point where this would become an issue again, leading you right back to where you are today?


I understand that you miss her, love her, want her back - but you want back the person that she once was in the relationship, not who she became and who you parted ways with. If you were to convince her to reconcile, you are telling her that you will take her back no matter the price. She can act the way she wants, treat you the way you want and you have to like it or lump it.


I don't think that it was wrong for you to stick up for yourself in voicing your needs within the relationship. Granted, the heated exchange is something that you can learn from and do much better - lessons learned. But.....you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself. You stood up for the relationship. Going back on that means that you really didn't mean it and she doesn't have to invest in the relationship as much as you are willing to and desire to. This will only start things off with incredible imbalance which will not be sustainable in the long run. Consider this.... Yes, short term solution to the heartache but what is the true gain that you get from this in the long term?

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