Fiance's friend always flirts with me - its now making me feel uncomfortable :(

[jane2000]

It all started about 1 year ago...I only see this friend a few times a year.

 

It started out as just innocent banter. I get along with all fiance's friends, they are great guys, and I just assumed I just had a good connection with this guy. I only see him occasionally so the first few times he would flirt, I didn't think much of it. Some people are just flirty outgoing people and I thought that was the case. I would laugh it off etc.

 

Fast forward a year or mabye longer..its about the 3rd or 4th time and its becoming a bit uncomfortable - well not a bit, a lot.

 

I said to him that it was making me uncomfortable and that I didn't think it was appropriate. I said to him at first I thought it was just innocent banter but now his comments are borderline sexual and just make me feel sick. I would NEVER cheat, and don't feel anything towards this guy.

 

His response was that i always flirted back. Ok sure that was true the first few times because it was just friendly, never sexual, and I never once made suggestions or remarks like that.

 

Argh. I feel sick. I cant get the conversation out of my head. I feel like I have cheated and feel so terrible that one of his mates made a sexual comment to me. Please tell me how to fix this. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I want the comments to stop. The whole thing just makes me feel sick. We only see this guy a few times a year. I just assumed it would stop but it hasn't.

 

What do I do?

[QSP]

I feel your pain because My fiance actually left me for my best friend. I think you should tell your fiance whats going on and move on with your relationship.

[22n32]

I feel your pain because My fiance actually left me for my best friend. I think you should tell your fiance whats going on and move on with your relationship.

 

wow, that must be tough man.. how do u not beat the crap outa him..

[QSP]

wow, that must be tough man.. how do u not beat the crap outa him..

 

As sad as it may be I love my friend even though he played me. We were best friends since pre k. I couldn't find it in my heart to beat him.

[RedDress]

I find the best way to get flirty discussion to stop is to not respond to it. At all. Like... pretend they weren't even talking to you. Maybe even leave the room.

 

It goes like this:

Him: "Hiii sexy, blah blah blah"

You: blink, blink, walk away

Him: "Hey Jane! I said hello"

You: "Oh hi. How are you, blah blah"

 

Any time he speaks to you in a flirty way, just pretend he does not exist. If you are consistent about it (and don't get mad, just ignore) - it goes away.

 

It's like aversion therapy. Only give him attention when he speaks like a respectful person.

[jane2000]

Thanks, that does make sense. I guess its easy because we don't see each other often. I probably wont see much of this year, mabye the next time at the wedding. Crikey I hope he leaves me alone then!

 

The thing that is getting to me is the extreme guilt I am feeling now. How could I let this happen? How could I think that innocently flirting was OK to begin with. How could I let it get to the point he has made a sexual comment. Like I said, I never have said anything sexual or anythign like that but now that he does it feels like I have cheated. How can I make it go away.

 

 

[lanaa]

in what way did you "flirt back" as he says?

[jane2000]

well...at first it was just friendly comments...like i hope i can find a girlfriend like you...i think your easy to get along with and hot.

 

and so i responded " ahh well thanks..i am sure you will find someone special" etc etc. So I guess I flirted back by thanking him for complimenting me. I actually even like being called hot by another guy. It doesn't really happen so it was super flattering to think other guys thought i was attractive.

 

then the next time i saw him we were playing pool with a group of people..when i took my shot it went straight in and i am like ohhhh how good am i did you see that awesome shot & he responds - i was too busy looking at your butt". I couldn't believe what he said..thought mabye i had heard incorrectly, so just kinda laughed it off awkwardly.

 

Then over the weekend - i came out and said that the comment and others here and there made me uncomfortable etc etc and that i only saw him as a mate etc and that is when he said well you flirt back. I agreed and said that i should of said something last time, but i didn't quite realise the severity of it.

 

then a few hours later we were all sitting around (others were there too) and he said to me "when are we going to make out"..i knew then what i heard this time, and said "what the hell, what is wrong with you" he replied " i know i know, i am sorry out of line..sorry". i got up and walked away.

 

 

i now feel sick because he made that comment. I thought after our discussion of "the comments have gone from just friendly to totally inappropriate" he would stop. He is meant to be a groomsmen...and i know if i wasn't with my FI he wouldn't be interested - he is just being a flirt because he likes what he cant have.

 

I don't want to tell my fiance because it will obviously create a big fight - but i don't understand why he is doing this.

 

I feel like calling him up and saying enough is enough...but as i don't see him often mabye its best to just leave it. i don't know.

 

help?? thoughts???

[BellaDonna]

You didn't do anything wrong. Don't let this guy mess with your head. You didn't flirt with him. His comments about your "butt" were not invited. He is just someone who is jealous and trying to cause trouble and drama between you and your fiance.

 

I think the best thing you can do is casually mention to your fiance that you don't like his friend. Don't make a huge deal out of it- if you make a huge deal out of it then your fiance will. Just be general "I think your friend is a jerk because he makes rude comments".

 

Also, don't speak to the friend at all anymore. Just pretend he doesn't exist, as he doesn't deserve to cause you any more stress. If you have to go out to a place where he is, hang all over your fiance and make the guy turn green as you ignore him.

 

I would definitely not advise calling him. Any "secret" contact or one-on-one contact with him is going to make you look bad and could turn on you. Just leave it and ignore him and let your fiance know you are not a fan of that friend of his.r

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that you didn't flirt back and ignoring him is the best way. Why would this cause a fight with your fiance?

[Generation]

Definitely tell your man what's been going on.

 

Also, if you can pull it off, castrate him publicly. The next time he tries to pull this crap, disapprove of his actions (next time) in a way that'll make him look like a fool, and so that his peers lose respect in him. You need to protect your boundaries. But you know what, tell your fiance, let him deal with this. He needs to know and he needs to talk to his friend and tell him to back off, cause that's not cool. If I were your fiance, I'd like to set him straight.

[Tom1990]

Definitely tell your man what's been going on.

 

Also, if you can pull it off, castrate him publicly. The next time he tries to pull this crap, disapprove of his actions (next time) in a way that'll make him look like a fool, and so that his peers lose respect in him. You need to protect your boundaries. But you know what, tell your fiance, let him deal with this. He needs to know and he needs to talk to his friend and tell him to back off, cause that's not cool. If I were your fiance, I'd like to set him straight.

 

I agree. If a "friend" of mine was acting inappropriately toward my finance, I'd love to hear about it.

[pl3asehelp]

This is a perfect example of why there is no such thing as harmless flirting if you're in a relationship. You NEVER know what someone else's intentions are or how they interpret your behavior. Which is why, if you're in a relationship and you care about that relationship, if someone flirts with you you need to very clearly give them the message you're not interested. To laugh it off, as you have, can be interpreted ANY number of ways, all of which but one are going to get you into trouble. The only way you can be 100% positive the person flirting with you gets the message that you're not interested is if you clearly tell them that. Or do you like to take risks with your future marriage?

[Snny]

This needs to be brought up to your fiance's attention and from there he needs to make a decision whether to keep this guy around as a friend.

 

You didn't flirt with him. He's trying to keep you in check so your fiance doesn't know about it. It won't work. This man is a snake and needs to be dealt with before things get out of hand and it blows up on you.

[chitown9]

I had the same thing happen to me. I mentioned it to my husband and my husband pretty much stood up for his friend, saying that he would not do that. So now I am a liar? So that is my ex-husband now, but I never would dream he would react that way. He was in complete denial about his friend since he thought they were best buds. I think that reaction is pretty abnormal, though. I would hope your fiance would not react the same way....but just something to consider...chi

[penelope13]

It doesn't sound as if you did anything inappropriate, which makes me curious as to why you are feeling such an amount of guilt?

 

Regardless of how strong your relationship is and how many boundaries you are setting, there will always be a few individuals who may say inappropriate things in your presence. This is nothing to feel guilty about. It's their issue, not yours. All you need to do is completely ignore these kind of remarks and not to react in any way. If the other person doesn't get the hint (some people are really quite dense in reading social cues), you can still ask them if they could repeat that comment in front of your partner.

[pl3asehelp]

It doesn't sound as if you did anything inappropriate, which makes me curious as to why you are feeling such an amount of guilt?

 

Regardless of how strong your relationship is and how many boundaries you are setting, there will always be a few individuals who may say inappropriate things in your presence. This is nothing to feel guilty about. It's their issue, not yours. All you need to do is completely ignore these kind of remarks and not to react in any way. If the other person doesn't get the hint (some people are really quite dense in reading social cues), you can still ask them if they could repeat that comment in front of your partner.

 

Instead of just ignoring someone who's flirting with you and hoping they interpret your silence in the way you'd like them to, why not be SURE of it by actually saying to the person flirting with you 'sorry, I'm not interested - I'm in a relationship'. Very easy to do and clears up all ambiguity about how you feel.

 

Men are often met with dead silence from women they hit on who ARE interested, which is why you need to take the extra step of verbalizing that you're not interested or they very well may be encouraged.