Johnny77 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 The romantic interest isn't just hinted at, we have been intimate dozens of times and spend time together several days a week even though we have very different schedules. But yes, putting any romantic feelings aside for now is probably the best idea, since she seems to think that I am speaking out of jealousy, although I am not. I would tell any of my friends that keeping in touch with an abuser is not a good idea...in any way. Link to comment
Ilona Crow Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Johnny, I think it's understandable that you are angry and losing respect for your friend. You feel betrayed, and even though you understand some of what she's going through, you are angry with her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. If you really want to help her, I think you need to start with yourself, and work out which parts of your anger are for her sake, and which parts are for yours. Again, it is understandable that you would be upset with her for your own sake, but that is the thing that's going to keep you from really getting through to her and helping her. Another thing that you might be able to do for her is get her to therapy. I know that this is a challenge, and I understand why she wouldn't want to go. It might be a lot easier to get her to some kind of group setting, where there's a lot less pressure on her. You could try Alanon; even if there's no alcohol in this situation, it sounds like she could stand to learn to stop trying to fix her abuser and stand up for herself, which she might get there. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm not saying all rape victims "react the same". However, I am saying that I would guess that most rape victims don't continue in romantic contact with the guy who assaulted her. Is it fair for me to assume this? I had a friend go through what could be described as "borderline date rape" and afterwards she couldn't stand even to hear the guy's name, yet alone stand to see him in public. The OP's girl's behaviors post rape seem be on the conflicting side wouldn't you say? No, I don't think it's on the conflicting side. As I said, not every rape victim reacts the same. I was molested between the ages of 8-12 by my step father BEFORE he married my mother. Guess were I currently live at 23 until I move to be with my husband this Oct? I live with my mother and step father. While I am repulsed and go out of my way to have no contact with him, do not judge how a rape victim reacts or what a rape victim does simply because it's conflicting to what YOU deem the right way to react. There are always hidden reasons why people do the things they do that as an outsider (and especially if you have never went through it) can not see. Take the word victim. Many of those who have been molested/rape identify themselves as victims and that word gives them power - to me, it doesn't. I'm an abuse SURVIVOR, not a victim. How I healed is not how the person next to me will heal. Many rape victims can not nor will they ever face their abuser - others can and do. Most rapes/molestation are not random, they are done by someone the survivior/victim knows. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Yes, most rapes and molestations are committed by someone known to the victim and someone they know well. I was molested by a student renting a room at my parent's house and also by the student's gf, by my father's brother, a 16 year old foster boy my parents were looking after and a person I do not want to mention. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Yes, most rapes and molestations are committed by someone know to the victim and someone they know well. Which is a reason why significnatly high numbers of us still maintain - in some way, by choice or simply because there is no were else to go, stay in contact with their abuser. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 camus your attitude is why raped victims don't report anything because there is always a doubting Thomas. I wouldn't call it an attitude so much as an opinion, but clearly I was wrong. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 When you've had a long relationship with a man that rapes you, then you don't see him as only a rapist. He is a friend that makes a mistake. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 When you've had a long relationship with a man that rapes you, then you don't see him as only a rapist. He is a friend that makes a mistake. Exactly Miss F and when you have been very abused like her you think it is all you are good for. Link to comment
Johnny77 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Exactly Miss F and when you have been very abused like her you think it is all you are good for. This very, very sadly rings true. She's told me more than once that she finds it strange that I'm always nice and polite, once when we were having sex and she wanted to stop, she thanked me for not continuing anyways (which leads me to believe she may have been raped more than once...) and the saddest part to me is that she recently told me she wished I would rather just hit her than wanting to discuss/argue about things... Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I have a very serious question and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to stir the pot here--this is sincere. Is there a pattern or dynamic with women who have been sexually abused once to be sexually abused again (meaning, by someone different)? I'm asking because whenever I read such stories they often involve more than one violator. Link to comment
Johnny77 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 I have a very serious question and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to stir the pot here--this is sincere. Is there a pattern or dynamic with women who have been sexually abused once to be sexually abused again (meaning, by someone different)? I'm asking because whenever I read such stories they often involve more than one violator. I can't answer this because I am not a woman, but I can tell you that sexual abuse is MUCH more common than you might think, and it's not just women. I was abused by many different people of different ages and of both genders, at different parts of my childhood and know many very different people who have been abused, though they are all women. I think men just might have a harder time admitting to it... Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I have a very serious question and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to stir the pot here--this is sincere. Is there a pattern or dynamic with women who have been sexually abused once to be sexually abused again (meaning, by someone different)? I'm asking because whenever I read such stories they often involve more than one violator. 1 in 5 women have been sexually assaulted at least once in their life time. I guess it's the same thing as bullying. Because you are an easy target, people will pick on you. Abusers know that. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It's really sad that some people are so misinformed about the things that abuse and rape victims go through for even years after their trauma. It's like if a victim doesn't react in the textbook fashion then it immediately casts doubt upon her. No wonder so many rapes go unreported. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm not saying all rape victims "react the same". However, I am saying that I would guess that most rape victims don't continue in romantic contact with the guy who assaulted her. Is it fair for me to assume this? I had a friend go through what could be described as "borderline date rape" and afterwards she couldn't stand even to hear the guy's name, yet alone stand to see him in public. The OP's girl's behaviors post rape seem be on the conflicting side wouldn't you say? No, it is not fair for you to assume anything because every single victim and their situation/relationship to the abuser will be different and influence how they act and feel in the period afterward. I was molested for 10 years of my childhood by two family members that I am still somewhat in touch with. Are you going to tell me I probably wasn't molested? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Here are some stats 1 in 5 women have been raped 44% are under the age of 18 80% are under the age of 30 2/3 their attacker is known to them more than 60% are never reported more than 90% of rapists never go to jail Every TWO minutes a woman is raped in the US. 12% of female children under 12 have been raped. Girls 16 to 19 are 4 times as likely as the general population to be raped 93% of juveniles who have been raped know their attacker 34% is family members 58% family friend or someone they know For me personally me and 3 of my 4 female cousins and my mother and one of my aunts have been raped, more than half of my friends have been raped. So, I guess people see what I am saying here. The effects of being raped they are 3 times more likely than the average person to suffer from depression 6 times more likely to suffer post traumatic stress disorder ( I do) 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol ( I did in my teens and early twenties) 26 times more likely to abuse drugs ( I did when I was a teen and early twenties) 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide ( I have ) They are also many more times likely to be re victimized Link to comment
civilservant Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm not saying all rape victims "react the same". However, I am saying that I would guess that most rape victims don't continue in romantic contact with the guy who assaulted her. Is it fair for me to assume this? I had a friend go through what could be described as "borderline date rape" and afterwards she couldn't stand even to hear the guy's name, yet alone stand to see him in public. The OP's girl's behaviors post rape seem be on the conflicting side wouldn't you say? Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Victoria, Those stats are awful. I honestly had no idea it was that common. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It's sad how common it is. It happened to me, to some of my good friends and a few family members, all when we were between the ages of 8-13. I actually assumed (based on those experiences) that it was a pretty normal thing that every girl had to go through - sort of like a rite of passage. It wasn't until *high school* when I took a health class and we learned about sexual assault that I realized it didn't happen to everybody. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 ^^ It is. It is horrendous. The sad thing is most can not even talk about it for fear that they will be judged and it DOES happen. I do not talk about it in my real life. And the reason I don't is because I made the mistake of telling a gf at school once and she laughed and told the ENTIRE school and for 3 years after people would laugh at me and point and make comments. I have talked to my husband and to my mother about the stuff she knows about, and one other close friend. Other than that nope. I do on here because no one knows me and I feel I can at least try to help others without being known. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It's extremely common. It's actually, very sad, uncommon to not be molested according to the stats. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 ^^ It is. It is horrendous. The sad thing is most can not even talk about it for fear that they will be judged and it DOES happen. I do not talk about it in my real life. And the reason I don't is because I made the mistake of telling a gf at school once and she laughed and told the ENTIRE school and for 3 years after people would laugh at me and point and make comments. I have talked to my husband and to my mother about the stuff she knows about, and one other close friend. Other than that nope. I do on here because no one knows me and I feel I can at least try to help others without being known. Yeah, same. When you tell people you know, it's almost like they either don't want to believe it happened or just don't want to deal with it, so you get the questions like "Well are you sure you weren't into it?" and "Oh, he'd never do that, you must have led him on a little!" etc....which just re-victimizes you. It's really important for people to know that no two rape victims will necessarily react in the same way to their experience. Some become very promiscuous, some shy away from sex altogether. Some suffer from nightmares and flashbacks for ages, some aren't even hit with the memories until years later. Some turn to drugs and alcohol, some don't. Some keep in touch with their attacker (for a variety of reasons) and some will cry at the mere mention of the attacker's name. It's all different experiences. It's very dangerous to judge the validity of a victim's statements by her actions afterward alone, especially when your knowledge of rape victims is limited to "This girl I know was raped and she didn't act that way." Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 It's extremely common. It's actually, very sad, uncommon to not be molested according to the stats. Yeah, actually even today my perception is still a little skewed. Horribly enough, I'm still a little surprised when I hear someone say they've never been raped or molested in their life. I always feel like asking "Really?? Not by anyone, not even once?" Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 ^ bingo. And then you have people like me who healed very clinically. I have no problem telling someone the dirty details about whg happened, I dot even blink an eye. While I know other rape survivors who are the mere headline of someone else being raped sends them into tears. I dot talk about it to family and friends because I'm very clinical about and I hate that pity look they give you. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I am one that has never been assaulted in any way and my heart just breaks for you ladies that went through that horror and not quite realize how terrible it was. I'd seriously think I'd kill the person if I found out it happened to my child and knew who it was. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I agree. The time period when I was raped when I was 13..( well it was about 100 times during that time period) after it stopped I had severe flash backs for at least 3 years. It consummed my every waking thought, every second of my life, for 3 years. Then I got a little better. I completely avoid men. I actually could not have anyone male touch me or I would pass out. That persisted into adulthood. Even when I met my husband I would scream and cry every time we were intimate for the first year. Even still to this day I don't sleep well. I am terrified to fall asleep because that makes me vulnerable. I have had nightmares every night for 32 years, EVERY single night. Whenever I am out of my house I look for the nearest escape route in case someone tries to hurt me. I am EXTREMELY hypervigilent about what is going on around me. I am terrified to have people touch me so that makes medical and dental and other appointments very anxiety ridden for me. If I know someone well it is ok to touch me otherwise, NO. I can not stand confrontations where people yell or get angry or excited. If I see that in a store I HAVE to leave. It makes me terrified. Being raped and molested at 6-7, 11,13 ,19 has impacted my life more than people know. It affects every aspect of my life and probably always will. Link to comment
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