FairyGodmother Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I stayed at my boyfriend's house for the past couple weeks visiting him (we are in a LDR), and now I'm back at college studying. His parents were gracious enough to let me stay in their home while I was there, and I was very appreciative. However his mother has always been very possessive of him, and she was being a little passive aggressive towards me during my stay. Then it became just plain aggressive: one night I made them all spaghetti with sauce, which she barely touched - and actually I was fine with that, because to each their own - but she then proceeded to whisper to her husband about the food when he asked her why she wasn't eating. If that wasn't rude enough, his little sister wanted to know what was said so she whispered it to her as well, and obviously my boyfriend then asked was going on to which her reply was that the food was "disgusting". Obviously that was extremely hurtful, and unsure how to react I said nothing. I waited about 5 minutes then made a plausible excuse to leave the table. When I was upstairs crying, I heard shouting coming from downstairs, and my boyfriend told me that his little sister had yelled at their mother for hurting my feelings. While I appreciated that gesture, it was obviously not something I wanted to happen, considering the fact that I think it just exacerbated the whole issue. Now that I've left he told me that his mother said we were slobs while in her home, which is not true as I always make sure I clean up after myself particularly as a guest in someone's home. Apparently his sister also said that she thinks I hate their mother, IN FRONT OF THEIR MOTHER, which doesn't even make any sense........ why would anyone say that................ I'M SO SCREWED. If his mother didn't hate me before, she probably does now. To top it all off, my boyfriend is coming to live with me in about 3 weeks. Please someone help me, I really don't know how to deal with this situation?!?! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I would just let it blow over for now. Don't say anything about his mother. Just get on with making your own life for the time being. When you go to visit stay at a hotel and then she has no reason to gripe. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 First off, cool your jets. You did nothing wrong here. However... your boyfriend has a dysfunctional family. If you are going to step into a serious relationship, you are going to have to deal with these people. If anything, your boyfriend made things worse. He should not have told you about the negative things she has said about you. This is absolutely unproductive and damaging, and he has now created an awkward relationship between you and his mother. What he should of done was handle the situation with his mother than drag you back into it. And with his sister rubbing it in... if I were you I would never go back to visit this family. He better fix it or you won't be coming back to visit. Link to comment
PlayingAces Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Speaking from MUCHO GRANDE personal experience, it's all going to boil down to two things. Does your boyfriend defend you? Is he going to stand up for you? And also, is being with him worth putting up with this, and MORE. More drama. Because at this point you're only boyfriend and girlfriend. Imagine how insecure this woman will get once you're engaged. Married. If you choose to have children? Feel thankful you know about this now, rather than later. I was already engaged to my husband when I met his family, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences in my entire life to be outright rejected by people I didn't even know. At the end of the day, it's not anything you've done, despite how great she may be at making you feel that way. You're just the scape goat. This woman wants to be #1 in your boyfriends life forever, even though it's selfish and wrong. Mother-In-Law jealousy and insecurity has been around for ages and isn't going anywhere. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Yup, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law briar patch is pretty messy for most folks. I routinely want to poke my mother-in-law in the eye but never have. Link to comment
PlayingAces Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I can relate Victoria! It's like "Everybody Loves Raymond" ... only my Mother In Law isn't funny, cute, or a great Italian cook like Doris Roberts, LOL! Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I definitely wouldn't go back to his family's house. His mother is mental. Just stay out of it until your boyfriend can whip her into shape and get her to treat you like a real human being. She needs to understand that mummy isn't #1 in his life anymore and she's going to have to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. You did nothing wrong. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I can relate Victoria! It's like "Everybody Loves Raymond" ... only my Mother In Law isn't funny, cute, or a great Italian cook like Doris Roberts, LOL! Yup, Marie Barone is my mother-in-law too. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 I just feel like such a failure, I don't know how to get her to like me - which is an issue because it's really important to my boyfriend for her and I to get along... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Don't feel like a failure. Just because he wants you both to get along does not mean it will happen. You need to be polite, yes, but you don't need to be her best buddy. I have tried to be friendly to my in-laws for 23 years and I still get treated like an outsider in my husband's family. Now I just shrug and I am polite and that is all. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Sometimes mothers and girlfriend just wn't ever get along - if he's her only boy NO woman will ever be good enough for him in her eyes. Just keep communicating to your boyfriend. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I just feel like such a failure, I don't know how to get her to like me - which is an issue because it's really important to my boyfriend for her and I to get along... Listen, I don't know why you're taking this so personally. You can't please every damn person on this planet. Yea, she was a B*** for the way she acted... and her daughter is following suit. Just watch out for her too. That's who these people are. And if it's THAT important to your boyfriend then he needs to step up and handle it. He is the only person who can. Because at this moment, he is causing unnecessary drama by sharing info to you that is damaging your confidence of being around his family ever again. He shouldn't have told you and should of dealt with it appropriately. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 I guess it just feels personal because I'm doing my absolute best to make her like me, and it's just failing miserably And I actually prefer him telling me rather than him hiding it, because then I feel more empowered to try and change the situation. I just need help figuring out how to show her that I'm not trying to take her son away from her, and that her behavior is hurting both me and him. He says that he thinks the situation will get better with time, but I'm not so sure... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 The thing is you guys don't HAVE to like each other. It is not a requirement but it helps. Politeness is necessary though on both parts. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I guess it just feels personal because I'm doing my absolute best to make her like me, and it's just failing miserably And I actually prefer him telling me rather than him hiding it, because then I feel more empowered to try and change the situation. Unfortunately, it isn't your place to try to change her or the situation. He is in more control of the situation than you are because this is his own mother. That's why he needs to handle it with her. I just need help figuring out how to show her that I'm not trying to take her son away from her, and that her behavior is hurting both me and him. Like Victoria said... be civil and polite. There are some people with in-laws out there who still don't get along even after marriage. In the future, don't hide and cry whenever she treats you with disrespect... that will feed her behavior even more. Sincie this person is passive aggressive, she will go after emotional weaknesses and use that against you. Don't let people like this tear you down. They aren't worth the drama. He says that he thinks the situation will get better with time, but I'm not so sure... So trust him Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Next time stay elsewhere and meet your boyfriend for dinner and dates. I think visiting someone's home for several weeks is a lot of pressure on them, especially if the mother didn't know you before (you aren't the girlfriend from high school where its a happy reunion to see the fam again). I am not taking her side, but will say that it was probably pretty intense for her to perhaps not know you well and all the sudden there you are as her houseguest for a few weeks. I know I have had houseguests that were there not because they were my company, but someone else's and things can come to a head sharing one's space. You were not the boyfriend's guest in his own apartment but the whole family had to host you and if you stayed in your boyfriends room with him and not in a guest room, it might be awkward for the mom. She might not be the type to forbid him from doing it, but it could lead to a lot of awkwardness. I think that it was uncalled for to make the food comments. The polite thing to do should have been to leave her comments aside and just not allow you to cook for them again if it wasn't good or to their tastes. "oh, i insist, you are a guest. I will cook." Link to comment
Alpine Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Don't try to get her to like you, just let it blow over for now and carry on, focusing NOT on getting his mother to like you, but just focus on your relationship with your boyfriend - that is what is important. What everyone says is true - the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship is always a complicated and often painful one. His family sounds somewhat dysfunctional (which many families are and you'll just have to try and not let it get to you! You have done nothing wrong in this situation and you should try not to let it get you down so much. Also, often mothers are hostile at first but eventually come around. I remember my grandmother used to hate my mum for marrying my dad... but now they are best friends. Nothing significant really changed this, they just got used to each other and cooled down around each other. Link to comment
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