Lansing Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I have read various blog posts/forums about being friends again with an ex and people keep saying stuff like "if you are asking the question then you aren't ready to be friends again". I am thinking I will probably wait a while still because I want to make sure 100% that we don't fall back into a dating type relationship but at the same time, I do care for her in a "I want to see her do well in life" vs. a "I see us together/married" type way. It has been 30 days of no contact. There is a chance I will run into her in a few months at an event so I might wait until then. I feel that when she ended things she knew things weren't getting serious between us/we didn't have a future and I agree on that based on how I felt our interactions were going (I kept waiting for her to show more of herself to me) but at the same time I don't want to see her again tomorrow and be physically attracted to her and let that get in the way of things. I guess I am worried that I will always be physically attracted to her. We were friends for longer than we dated and I know some people will say "just make new friends" but I don't feel like she did anything mean/horrible to me (i.e. don't think she cheated, and, even if she did see someone else we hadn't really defined what we were). I find it hard to just cut someone out of my life for good vs. having a friendship fade away over time just because of natural ebb and flow. I guess if I ran into her in the future than the friendship may re-start up in a natural method vs. a bit of awkwardness if one of us contacted the other in the meantime. If this was a situation where my ex was telling me "I love you, you are the one" and then broke up with me 2 days later (which seems to be the case with a lot of people on here) I can see the advice of "stay away". Link to comment
Scuza Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 The 'Am I ready?' question is a little vague, in my opinion. You'll know when you're ready. Try asking yourself how you would feel if she outright rejected your offer. If you'd feel emotionally hurt at all, then you aren't ready. Once you can confidently say that being ignored or even being told off will not affect you, because there is a definite chance she may, then you're ready to try bring friends again. When asking yourself, be honest with yourself. The only person you'll be hurting is yourself if you're not thinking objectively. Link to comment
charity Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 i think the amount of indifference that needs to be there is when she can talk to you about her next boyfriend and vice versa without you feeling sad and disappointed. that type of indifference can takes a looooooong time to achieve. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I have never become friends with any of me exes but one. We just got along famously all the time and while our breakup, he broke up with me, was painful, it was done with care and tact. We still love each other, but as friends. There was never one second that I didn't want to be friends with him, we were THAT close. But for everyone else, no friendship, ever. I guess I will answer your question by saying if you LIKE them more than LOVE them, you cannot imagine your life without them in it. I loved this man sooooo much, but I liked him more. Link to comment
Mephisto13 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 FYI - you're not ready to be friends with her right now. It took me 2 years to be "indifferent" with my ex...and we were together for 12. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I honestly don't think I can ever be friends with my ex. We were never friends before we dated and are relationship was very sexual. I had a lot of fun with her but there was never really a point where I felt she was a great friend. I think some things are just better left behind. It is very difficult once you have slept together to have a friendship. Yes, down the road you maybe can be acquaintances but good friends, not likely. Link to comment
Jacksonsmith Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I was friends with my ex and one day she just walked away and focused back on her own life without any explanation she just stopped being my friend even though when we broke up she said we will always be good friends we have been through so much together and even when we were dating she said Jackson if we ever break up I will always be your friend always. I suppose people change their minds but dude it still stinks because I miss my friend I hope one day she will reconsider and come back into my life but that is up to her. Link to comment
Zuri Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Out of respect for my next sweetheart, I have no intentions of ever being friends with any of my exes. Link to comment
Zero71 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 If you care if your ex is screwing someone else then you aren't ready. I don't want to completely turn my back on my ex girlfriend, but I don't know if friendship would truly work. I still crave sex with her right now. Maybe by the end of the year or so I will lose most of my romantic interest even then I will probably still have some sexual attraction. It just hard to imagine at this time especially when I seen everything underneath her clothing. We were never truly friends before we got involve. We were mere associates at best. I didn't care that much for her at first while she had a major crush on me. When I did get involve with her it was mostly lust that pulled me in. This lust eventually grew into love. Link to comment
rig01 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 As far as I'm concerned she's damaged goods now. The way she treats ex-boyfriends (and even boyfriends when things aren't going so well) isn't worth the high points of the relationship. But I couldn't be friends with her right now because I'm angry about what she did to me, and I'm not ready to see her with a new guy, so I'm afraid if we tried to talk all of that venom would just pour out of me. If her rebound doesn't work out and she's genuinely willing to work on herself and fix some of her problems, I'd love to be her friend again. But until then, I can't help being bitter. Link to comment
Penseur Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 I'm not sure indifference is 100% accurate to describe the stage at which you can be friends. Can someone really be indifferent toward an actual friend? If a friend rejected me, I would probably be hurt (granted, not as much as a romantic interest). I'm with the other posters here with regards to gauging when you are ready, i.e. you wouldn't be hurt if she talked about her boyfriend or brought him around. I suppose indifference is used to describe the ex pursuing another romantically. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 When i am with someone else and in love... i might become friends with my recent ex. Like Brad Pitt once said, "the greater the love... the greater the hurt" (something like that). I rather lose her forever than only have a small micro-faction of her. Thats just how i choose to exit. Link to comment
MarnDark Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 When i am with someone else and in love... i might become friends with my recent ex. Like Brad Pitt once said, "the greater the love... the greater the hurt" (something like that). I rather lose her forever than only have a small micro-faction of her. Thats just how i choose to exit. Thats how I feel too. When I was with my recent ex I felt like I could be "friends" with my ex before her, but obviously that gets complicated. The only real feasible way I forsee even actually talking to my ex again is if we were both single. Even then I'm not sure what that gain, as I would rather be friends with people who haven't hurt me. Link to comment
bob333 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Depends how intense the relationship was, and how in love with her your were. If you weren't the one who got burned then you'll be fine in no time, if you got burned - a long long time. I'm 17 months in on our split and still recovering from the shock of what she did, I really cant see any day near where I can be completely nonchalant and not care a hoot, considering how that person kept my brain whirring for so long - whilst she apparently skipped straight through with a man she used ot shaft me .... But it is getting better, week by week, stronger and stronger ... Link to comment
dumPI Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 the thing is ... when you are able to be friends you no longer need that friendship. Why being friends with someone who betrayed you? With someone who maybe said "I'll love you forever" and all these other things? That's the advantage dumpers have ... they just hurt you & wait for the right time to recover that part of you which they loved while we struggle through all this crap of no contact, wanting them, missing them, loving them, wondering about friendship & whatnot. Your best friendship will be with your new partner. Once you meet him/her & start spending time together you won't remember that pseudo-friendship. Link to comment
Lansing Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Approaching a month after I first posted this and I am still thinking of whether or not I should contact her. I know there has to be a break between "dating" and "friends" otherwise we can fall back into the old ways of what was comfortable. I know she is in the middle of big school projects (knew she had a March deadline for something before we broke up, I am not keeping track of her) and I don't want to get in the way of her studies. The thing is, I am realizing a lot more about her now than I knew before. I think I posted a different thread about it but she has ADD. I didn't realize how much impact it was having in our interactions/communication until I recently started reading about it after seeing a news article. It is fascinating how many things it impacts when not treated. I had no clue and just thought it was a learning disability. I feel like I may have been looking at her through my "normal" (i.e. Neurotypical as they say) brain and coming to conclusions about how she felt/etc based on that and closed down. If you are reading this you are probably thinking "you aren't over her still if you are thinking about this so much". Part of me is feeling a bit of regret about our lack of communication especially in light of my new awareness about her ADD. Having said that, I am no way blaming the ADD for the breakup or anything and take my own responsibility for the lack of communication. Although she brought up the topic of breaking up, and although it hurt me at the time (I had hoped for more of a discussion on the issues but accepted her feeling that she wanted to end things because things were not progressing as they weren't) I still care for her. I wouldn't say I was ever "in love" with her because I didn't let myself fall in love with her, mainly in response to seeing her behaviour related to ADD symptoms (I didn't know that was what it was at the time). I still really cared for her and wanted to see her happy and still do. I genuinely feel that I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with her though. Maybe I am still trying to fool myself.... I am going to try to hold off longer to contact her but I feel a desire to talk to her as a regret some of my reactions to her ADD and as it is a disability part of me feels like I reacted to her in an insensitive/bad way as I didn't know what was going on. (dealing with her anger/frustration/impulsiveness/lack of attention,etc). I tried to keep things casual because I didn't know how to address those things at the time and she said she felt like the relationship wasn't progressing/etc. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I have never become friends with any of me exes but one. We just got along famously all the time and while our breakup, he broke up with me, was painful, it was done with care and tact. We still love each other, but as friends. There was never one second that I didn't want to be friends with him, we were THAT close. But for everyone else, no friendship, ever. I guess I will answer your question by saying if you LIKE them more than LOVE them, you cannot imagine your life without them in it. I loved this man sooooo much, but I liked him more. wow interesting, I gotta write this down. My ex sees us being friends later later on down the line, and i welcome it. I always felt he was my best friend, sometimes even more than a lover at times. so time will tell. just need to heal first. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I was friends w/ my bf for 6 yrs before we went out. We were together for 1 1/2 yrs, broke up for 4 months, now back together. If we had not reconciled (and there was no animosity --- more like life circumstances), I could not be friends. I could not sit accross from him having breakfast or a drink and think --- we are not together. And I certainly would not want to see him leave the night with another woman on his arm. As the old song says "I love you too much to ever start liking you....so let's just let this story have an end". Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I tried being friends with my ex but in the end it wound up killing me because it just didn't work. Maybe in the future but at this moment I simply cannot. Link to comment
Heidern Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 With so many people out there why would you wanna be friends with someone who hurt you so much? Sure you invested time in the relationship, but the person who dumped you did so because she thought she'd be happier without you. Why would you wanna go back to that? Allow someone else to enjoy your company. An ex should only be considered as a distant option because that's what you became to him/her. Link to comment
Lansing Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 With so many people out there why would you wanna be friends with someone who hurt you so much? I feel that she was being practical and didn't see the relationship progressing so she thought it was better for us to both move on and find someone that we would have a better chance of getting married to/having a long term relationship. Again, we never expressed our feelings for each other verbally and it although we both cared for each other, I think we both put up walls to not let ourselves really "fall in love". Normally, if it was a full out relationship where we were saying "I love you" type messages than I can totally relate to what you are saying. I feel partly at fault because I have only had one long term relationship before and I ran into the same issues with that one (more "friendly" vibe vs. romantic). I have dated various girls but those usually last 3 months max. I am not looking to hang out with her ever weekend or anything but it would be nice to grab a coffee and it not being weird or to hear how she is doing. Link to comment
Heidern Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You know yourself best. Picture yourself seeing her right now. How do you think you'd react? You may end up expecting something that she won't be able to give you. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I was confused and thought maybe the friends thing could work but in the end I realized he isn't a friend and why should I be friends with someone who treated me so rotten? He claims he has changed but I know he hasn't and he never will. Sure he might of changed for her for the time being but people never change. Link to comment
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