4 years no ring-Opinions Wanted

[Batya33]

I agree. But she seems to want to. She hasn't walked away yet or made motions to.

 

Right -my point is that the way she is going about asking him to document what he says about his house purchase/financial situation should raise real red flags for her about the health of this relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

The bigger issue is he's living at home with his parents correct? I don't think he wants to marry for a while because he likes living 'rent free or optional.'

[abitbroken]

The bigger issue is he's living at home with his parents correct? I don't think he wants to marry for a while because he likes living 'rent free or optional.'

 

His parents own a bunch of properties and he is living in one of them ... not in the same one with them.

[Honey1]

I think if he said he didn't want to move in with you because of financial reasons you either trust that he is being truthful or you shouldn't be with him. Asking him for proof is kind of insulting IMO.

 

I see.................

and once he can't show proof.... what's that?

[Honey1]

I think because he told her he had BOUGHT the house, and told her at the same time "he gives his parents money when he feels like it" over all this time, she has a right to know if he actually does own the house, actually has bought the house or this is a bs excuse. Because giving parents money when one feels like it sounds more like renting, so it sounds fishy that he has actually bought the house.

 

Yea, that's kinda my feelings.

He told me he bought it.....then when his money starts being funny he tells me he pays monthly mortgage. Then we have a huge natural disaster and when I bring him the paperwork to file an insurance claim, he says he has to take it to his mom.

Things just weren't adding up, so I offered to help him with finances...

Then when I asked how the insurance claim was coming along, he said he couldn't file one because the house is still in his moms name.....

[Honey1]

Right -my point is that the way she is going about asking him to document what he says about his house purchase/financial situation should raise real red flags for her about the health of this relationship.

 

You're speaking as if I'm not here. You can address me.

When you marry someone their finances become yours and vice versa, I see nothing wrong with asking for proof of his MAJOR purchases. If he did purchase that house (which I think we can agree he didn't) that will be my property as well, I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into. I even mentioned renting the house out...... that is also when I noticed a flag beacuse he couldn't do that either

[Honey1]

The bigger issue is he's living at home with his parents correct? I don't think he wants to marry for a while because he likes living 'rent free or optional.'

 

No, he lives in a house that his parents own, it's not free but only he and she knows how much he pays and how often.

[Honey1]

Right -my point is that the way she is going about asking him to document what he says about his house purchase/financial situation should raise real red flags for her about the health of this relationship.

 

I'm not asking him to document it, I aksed to see the proof of purchases, if he asked me today for my proof that I paid my rent this year, I'd be able to pull it up instantly.

[mhowe]

You're speaking as if I'm not here. You can address me.

When you marry someone their finances become yours and vice versa, I see nothing wrong with asking for proof of his MAJOR purchases. If he did purchase that house (which I think we can agree he didn't) that will be my property as well, I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into. I even mentioned renting the house out...... that is also when I noticed a flag beacuse he couldn't do that either

 

If he did purchase that house (which he probably didn't) it would in fact, not be your property as well unless he puts you on the deed. Getting married does not make assets purchased prior to the marriage common assets.

 

My assumption is that he is just living there, and that his parents own it.

[camus154]

I can understand wanting to know a future spouse's financial situation prior to getting married, but demanding proof of such is still pretty odd--not to mention putting the cart before the horse, since this whole thread is about him not proposing to you.

 

Honestly, OP, I'm a bit confused why you're still deliberating on this. Have you made any kind of decision on how you're going to proceed?

[abitbroken]

Then we have a huge natural disaster and when I bring him the paperwork to file an insurance claim, he says he has to take it to his mom.

Things just weren't adding up, so I offered to help him with finances...

Then when I asked how the insurance claim was coming along, he said he couldn't file one because the house is still in his moms name.....

 

I am with you on this. If he says he invested in the house and bought it, but its in his mom's name, that doesn't make any sense. I think you caught him in a lie. I mean, why should he lie. If he didn't buy the house, he didn't need to tell you he did. I think that if you find out he doesn't own it, his excuses are all unravelled and he needs to find a new excuse to tell you why you are not married.

 

The only way it would make sense for hsi mom to be on it is if it is a lease purchase agreement. My parents did that to their house. The person leased it for a year with an option to buy at the end of that year or two. They needed to sell their own home but didn't want to lose my parents, but couldn't qualify to buy because they still had their house. But then there would be documentation.

 

(btw, when you offered to help, did he say yes or did you just do it?)

 

If he did purchase that house (which he probably didn't) it would in fact, not be your property as well unless he puts you on the deed. Getting married does not make assets purchased prior to the marriage common assets.

 

My assumption is that he is just living there, and that his parents own it.

 

You don't care if you gets the house or not, you just want him to be truthful about if he owns it or not. Also, it is a big deal in marriage if one person leans on their parents and won't cut the apron strings. Its one thing if the person was disabled in an auto accident and the parents help out as needed, but will cease when the person gets married, but if he has no issues like that, parental involvement will hurt his future marriage.

 

As far as the law, yes, prior assets are taken into account but if the state has dowager's rights, they are married a number of years and the home is their marital home and intended as such, you will get that consideration for it - either he owns it but can't kick you and the children out of it and put you on the streets, he splits the proceeds, or keeps it and has to make sure you have suitable housing. But you don't really care about that at that this point.

[Honey1]

I can understand wanting to know a future spouse's financial situation prior to getting married, but demanding proof of such is still pretty odd--not to mention putting the cart before the horse, since this whole thread is about him not proposing to you.

 

Honestly, OP, I'm a bit confused why you're still deliberating on this. Have you made any kind of decision on how you're going to proceed?

 

I'm deliberating because every time I log on, someone has commented or posted a question.

I think it would be pretty rude not to respond, I also like to speak for myself so if I log on and people are conducting a convo about me..... I'll type my thoughts on it.

 

Have I made a decision? Not really, I'll continue to see how this goes, if by mid year (June-July) I still see no sign of progression, I'll make my decision then.

Thank you for all your comments, they help.

 

Also, I don't "demand" anything from him. Just a simple "hey do you have the reciepts from your payment? Oh, you don't? Ok, but that's not a wise decision, you should have proof of all major purchases babe."

[Honey1]

If he did purchase that house (which he probably didn't) it would in fact, not be your property as well unless he puts you on the deed. Getting married does not make assets purchased prior to the marriage common assets.

 

My assumption is that he is just living there, and that his parents own it.

 

ok, thanks for clearing that up for me.

[Honey1]

Thank you, I think you and I are >>>>>here

 

To answer your queston, when I offered to help, he moreso just wanted the financial help not the advising. He just wanted me to help pay something and he could handle his own from there.

[Honey1]

Ya know, this really has helped me see something that I never saw.

I guess my rose colored glasses are coming off.

The more I explain this situation..... the more I realize there iss a bigger issue here....one that should be handled before marriage.

Thanks guys, this site really helps.

I appreciate all comments, good and bad, really I do

[abitbroken]

I am glad that you feel you are getting some insight/help. It remidns me of my ex - my uncle who is like a second dad and also is in finance sort of tried to help my ex. My ex wanted financial help from him and my uncle was giving him advice about streamlining finances, debt, and strategies and my ex was livid because he just wanted money.

[Honey1]

Just an update.......

last month on the 12th I decided to take initiative and try to get the ball rolling.....I was rejected.

I didn't go to the extent of asking him to marry me but I did ask him to move in with me. I figured this would be a good way for us to take another step in our

relationship. He gave me all kinds of excuses (reasons) why he couldn't "right now"

Needless to say, my feelings were beyond hurt and I have lost a ton of hope for our relationship.......

Lately i have been considering taking some time apart, i just cant find the right time....or the courage to say it. I feel like he'd think I was being bratty and when i can't get what i want....I bail out on him

just thought I might fill you guys in

[Batya33]

Maybe he doesn't like the idea of living together before marriage? Not sure how sharing physical space would increase the emotional commitment anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

I frankly do not know how you hang in there.

[Honey1]

I frankly do not know how you hang in there.

 

Love and hope. I love him deeply and he is who I want to be with so I try to have hope that things will get better.

[Batya33]

Love and hope. I love him deeply and he is who I want to be with so I try to have hope that things will get better.

 

If that works for you that's fine. If you had a really important career goal and were at a job where you were continuously rejected for promotions so that it seemed unlikely that you'd ever reach your career goal how long would you stay at the job based on "hope"?

[Honey1]

If that works for you that's fine. If you had a really important career goal and were at a job where you were continuously rejected for promotions so that it seemed unlikely that you'd ever reach your career goal how long would you stay at the job based on "hope"?

 

Probably not long Batya, I have a son to think about and if my job was holding me back. I'd move on swiftly. I have done this before.

Are you suggesting I just give up? Let go of 4 years cause I lost hope??

[Batya33]

Probably not long Batya, I have a son to think about and if my job was holding me back. I'd move on swiftly. I have done this before.

Are you suggesting I just give up? Let go of 4 years cause I lost hope??

 

No I never suggested that -I made several suggestions above that would reflect in my opinion that you love yourself as well as him. But yes I would think it was entirely understandable not to wait longer than you have (but I suggested something in between totally giving up and staying).

[RitaTrue]

Probably not long Batya, I have a son to think about and if my job was holding me back. I'd move on swiftly. I have done this before.

Are you suggesting I just give up? Let go of 4 years cause I lost hope??

 

I think you should get out your lifeboat here because this ship is sinking. 4 years is long--too long. And hope is what will drown you here.

[SarahRose]

Just read through this thread and wanted to add my thoughts.

 

What were his reasons or excuses for not moving in with you?

 

Him lying to you about the house is an issue too as well as his obvious dependence on his parents.

 

What are you reasons for waiting at this point? I think he has already told you with words and showed you with his actions all you need to know.

 

What is going to happen over the next 6 months that will change things?

 

I don't think you have anything to lose at this point if you ended it with him. It could go 2 ways, he would decide to marry you or he would let you go which means he never was going to marry you anyway. You really can't lose here other than dealing with a broken heart for awhile. Really isn't it better to know now than much later?