4 years no ring-Opinions Wanted

[Huntress0527]

Before I begin this is just my humble opinion, if a guy doesn't know if he wants to marry you after 3 years of dating then there is a good chance they never will. I have two examples where they've been with their boyfriends for 8+ years and still not married. One wants to get married the other is engaged but doesn't seem to rush it. If you're looking for marriage you may need to move on.

[Honey1]

IMO it looks like this guy is being pressured to get married and have kids, when all he wants is a nice girlfriend to relax with. Nothing wrong with that but maybe you should just find a partner that suits your needs.

No no, he's not being pressured....I don't bring this up to him......maybe once a year.....I ask where are things going for us, well this year I got a bit more specific with my question and I did use the "engagement" term.

"All he wants is a nice girlfriend to relax with"

I'm not into playing the permanent girlfriend role.

 

At 31 LostOne, would you date someone for 4 years and never move in with them? Never propose to them?

I think that type of dating goes out after under grad.

That's my opinion though

By the way...... I really appreciate all the feedback, it helps

[Batya33]

Ok Batya & Camus, let me ask you this, isn't that like pressuring him and/or giving him an ultimatum?

It's like a lose lose for me cause I don't want to get engaged as an ultimatum, I want it to be willingly.........

but I don't want to be on this forum Dec 25th 2012 starting a new thread about this same issue with him

 

I wouldn't put it that way. I would simply share with him how you feel about the "surprise" element and then if he balks at saying whether it will be in 2012 say "I think we are on different wavelengths when it comes to marriage. My suggestion is we take a break - I will not date anyone for the next three months if you won't, we can talk by phone once a month to check in and you can call me if you're ready to get engaged within the next month -no need to tell me which day so it can be the surprise you want". If you don't know in three months then we can talk but it probably will be best if we move on.

 

Look -there's pressure and there's pressure -I have one friend, happily married for ten years, who proposed after a year of dating because he knew he would probably lose her if he didn't. She didn't outright pressure him but he knew her personal timetable. He probably would have waited another 6 months or so. On the other hand, yes, telling someone outright "either you propose right now or I'm going out partying to meet a new guy" is too much pressure and obnoxious.

[camus154]

I think bottom line, you need to draw up your own "that's it" timeline. If you don't want to make this an ultimatum then don't--there's no need to inform him of what this date is. Yes, some may see that as unfair, but I don't really think it is. He knows this is important and he knows time is running out. Eventually people run out of time whether they like it or not.

 

Resolve to yourself, "If it doesn't happen at X time, then that's it. I sit him down and tell him I have to walk."

[Unknown1607307972]

Marriage doesn't change the actual commitment of one another. IMO it looks like this guy is being pressured to get married and have kids, when all he wants is a nice girlfriend to relax with. Nothing wrong with that but maybe you should just find a partner that suits your needs.

 

The guy has every right to not want to get married but the OP also has every right to want it. If she doesn't want to be a permanent girlfriend to someone then that is her wish which is just as valid. It's not fair of him to keep stringing her along if it's not what he wants as it'd prevent her from moving on and finding someone who shared her wants in life instead.

[Batya33]

Marriage doesn't change the actual commitment of one another. IMO it looks like this guy is being pressured to get married and have kids, when all he wants is a nice girlfriend to relax with. Nothing wrong with that but maybe you should just find a partner that suits your needs.

 

In our relationship it certainly did and we knew in advance that it would because of our personal values about marriage. Many women enjoy being someone's girlfriend and many women find marriage far more relaxing than being someone's girlfriend.

[LostOne01]

In our relationship it certainly did and we knew in advance that it would because of our personal values about marriage. Many women enjoy being someone's girlfriend and many women find marriage far more relaxing than being someone's girlfriend.

 

Having a ring on one's finger doesn't change the level of commitment to one another. The only thing that changes is the tax breaks and living arrangements. People will still cheat or do whatever they want, married or not. IMO women who find marriage far more "relaxing" is only concerned about themselves and the "stability" that surrounds them. Not every woman sees marriage that way.

[Batya33]

Having a ring on one's finger doesn't change the level of commitment to one another. The only thing that changes is the tax breaks and living arrangements. People will still cheat or do whatever they want, married or not. IMO women who find marriage far more "relaxing" is only concerned about themselves and the "stability" that surrounds them. Not every woman sees marriage that way.

 

I think individuals see marriage individually. Having a ring on my finger isn't what's relevant -it's the meaning behind it, that it symbolizes the vows we took. You're entitled to your opinion that marriage only changes the "business" aspects. I know that's not true for my marriage, or our parents' marriages (combined they've been married to their spouses over 100 years!) and I would never have married if I had your attitude about it. Cheating? Never an issue, hopefully never will be one and has nothing to do with why we married. We decided to be exclusive as soon as we got back together, over 6 years ago and it's never occurred to either of us to worry about the other cheating - we decided to be exclusive and to get married for positive reasons, not to prevent or try to reduce the risk of cheating.

 

I think it's wonderful to want stability as part of a life - it's great for the couple and I can already tell it's great for our little boy. And it's not stability in quotes- it's a great part of being a family, a couple, to know you have each other's back. Excitement is essential too but I find it's easier to have adventures and excitement within a stable relationship - I don't want the excitement that comes from never knowing what's going to happen next in a relationship . No guarantees of course but being married increases the level of stability and lets you make future plans and choices with less stress than if you have no idea whether you'll be together in a month, a year, etc.

[Alpine]

Having a ring on one's finger doesn't change the level of commitment to one another. The only thing that changes is the tax breaks and living arrangements. People will still cheat or do whatever they want, married or not. IMO women who find marriage far more "relaxing" is only concerned about themselves and the "stability" that surrounds them. Not every woman sees marriage that way.

 

Her boyfriend has every right to not want to get married, but she also has every right to want that. Marriage is very important to many people, because it provides benefits of your relationship that you wouldn't get otherwise, especially if you two are very close. I am not married yet, and I couldn't assist my boyfriend with his doctors appointment when he was very sick because of confidentiality - the doctor told me only family members were allowed to help change/make appointments. Not to mention the health care benefits (especially if you wind up having children), status of next-of-kin for hospital visits and other instances (like mine), joint insurance and other policies, inheritance automatically in the absence of will, spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home, joint filing of customs claims when traveling, judicial protections and evidentiary immunity, and more. These are obviously just legal and economic reasons, but for someone who said that marriage doesn't necessarily change the level of commitment to one another (which you are right, it may not), there are plenty of other reasons why people want to get married and the OP has every right to want this with someone.

 

The problem is, if her boyfriend does not want marriage, then their goals are different and it might be time to have a serious chat with him and/or move on.

[Honey1]

The problem is, if her boyfriend does not want marriage, then their goals are different and it might be time to have a serious chat with him and/or move on.

 

Well said............

[Honey1]

I just can't wrap my head around this sometimes, we've been together almost 4 years and we still live in our own places. That is so rare in this day.

My dad has even pulled me to the side (requested a daddy daughter dinner) and asked me what is my bf's hold up.

How do you explain that to your dad?

I semi-lied and told him, we both weren't ready. I hated the way I felt aftewards, like, why am I protecting him???

[redtan]

I don't get this...if you love the guy and want to be with him why are you even thinking about cutting ties and looking for someone else that does want to marry? To me it seems like you want to get married, but not necessarily to him. And it doesn't matter who your partner is as long as you get the marriage

 

To me, if I want to be with someone that bad then it doesn't matter if we're married or not. Yes I would prefer the marriage aspect due to several reasons, but I would not consider leaving the person just because that can't happen.

[mhowe]

I just can't wrap my head around this sometimes, we've been together almost 4 years and we still live in our own places. That is so rare in this day.

My dad has even pulled me to the side (requested a daddy daughter dinner) and asked me what is my bf's hold up.

How do you explain that to your dad?

I semi-lied and told him, we both weren't ready. I hated the way I felt aftewards, like, why am I protecting him???

 

Because it is rare doesn't mean it is wrong. It seems you are more worried about what family or society thinks. If you trust your bf, then you trust him. If you don't, I think you know what you need to do.

[Glowguy]

Before I begin this is just my humble opinion, if a guy doesn't know if he wants to marry you after 3 years of dating then there is a good chance they never will.

 

I just can't wrap my head around this sometimes, we've been together almost 4 years and we still live in our own places. That is so rare in this day.

 

I don't think your situation is all that rare. Some people like to have their own space and I completely disagree about a guy knowing within three years. If more people took their time and waited until the honeymoon period is completely passed before getting married then I bet the divorce rates would be much much lower.

[Batya33]

I just can't wrap my head around this sometimes, we've been together almost 4 years and we still live in our own places. That is so rare in this day.

My dad has even pulled me to the side (requested a daddy daughter dinner) and asked me what is my bf's hold up.

How do you explain that to your dad?

I semi-lied and told him, we both weren't ready. I hated the way I felt aftewards, like, why am I protecting him???

 

 

I don't think sharing living space increases the level of commitment unless the reason to share the living space is because you are getting engaged or married in a short period of time and maintaining two households doesn't make financial sense. My husband and I were together 3 years and 4 months before marrying and we didn't live together. I never saw it as a progression in commitment unless there was a commitment-based reason to live together (other than a test drive for marriage- that never made sense to me either).

[LostOne01]

Nah. If a woman sees marriage as only stability, safety, and all that other fantasy mess, then it's obvious what their intentions are.

[LostOne01]

Her boyfriend has every right to not want to get married, but she also has every right to want that.

 

And nobody said she didn't have a right to that but it's only common sense that she cannot force him.

 

Marriage is very important to many people, because it provides benefits of your relationship that you wouldn't get otherwise, especially if you two are very close. I am not married yet, and I couldn't assist my boyfriend with his doctors appointment when he was very sick because of confidentiality - the doctor told me only family members were allowed to help change/make appointments. Not to mention the health care benefits (especially if you wind up having children), status of next-of-kin for hospital visits and other instances (like mine), joint insurance and other policies, inheritance automatically in the absence of will, spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home, joint filing of customs claims when traveling, judicial protections and evidentiary immunity, and more. These are obviously just legal and economic reasons, but for someone who said that marriage doesn't necessarily change the level of commitment to one another (which you are right, it may not), there are plenty of other reasons why people want to get married and the OP has every right to want this with someone.

 

Not many benefits to being married, and I can tell you that from personal experience.

 

The problem is, if her boyfriend does not want marriage, then their goals are different and it might be time to have a serious chat with him and/or move on.

 

Which is what I stated initially.

[Honey1]

I don't get this...if you love the guy and want to be with him why are you even thinking about cutting ties and looking for someone else that does want to marry? To me it seems like you want to get married, but not necessarily to him. And it doesn't matter who your partner is as long as you get the marriage

 

To me, if I want to be with someone that bad then it doesn't matter if we're married or not. Yes I would prefer the marriage aspect due to several reasons, but I would not consider leaving the person just because that can't happen.

 

Really? Then marriage is not that important to you.

I want marriage, I'd prefer it be with him but if we are not making progress what are we doing?

My dating from my late 20s goes as follows

meet someone, date someone, get in a relationship with someone, marry someone, and it progresses from there........

I love him more than you can imagine.....check our history, it's on ENA. The question should not be about my feelings for him, trust me.

[Honey1]

Because it is rare doesn't mean it is wrong. It seems you are more worried about what family or society thinks.

 

Oh gosh, I post a feeling on a topic and all of a sudden that's my main motive.....really??!!!

 

If I was worried about what my family thinks, he would have never made it this far after what he did in 2010!

and society!!!! OMG I won't even go there!!

I was a teen mom, the opinion of "society" is really void to me

I am a very strong minded woman and I know what I want......that's what this thread is about.

I would have started out with

"my parents think I should marry him, what do you guys think" if that's what this was about

[Honey1]

I don't think your situation is all that rare. Some people like to have their own space and I completely disagree about a guy knowing within three years. If more people took their time and waited until the honeymoon period is completely passed before getting married then I bet the divorce rates would be much much lower.

 

Thanks for your insight. I really thought my situation was rare.

I agree, the divorce rate is way too high!

I am confident that our "honeymoon period" is way over though

[wilyone 11]

Some of the comments from men on this thread are pretty insensitive.

 

The reason you don't understand the need to get married is because you are not women.

 

In case it's not obvious, men and women have different intrinsic needs.

 

Men have a HUGE need to be respected. Women don't. Men would rather be respected than loved. Women find this pretty astounding.

 

Women have a HUGE need to feel cherised, adored and secure. Marriage helps satisfy these needs.

 

Stop judging us just because you don't have the same intrinsic needs as us.

[Batya33]

Some of the comments from men on this thread are pretty insensitive.

 

The reason you don't understand the need to get married is because you are not women.

 

In case it's not obvious, men and women have different intrinsic needs.

 

Men have a HUGE need to be respected. Women don't. Men would rather be respected than loved. Women find this pretty astounding.

 

Women have a HUGE need to feel cherised, adored and secure. Marriage helps satisfy these needs.

 

Stop judging us just because you don't have the same intrinsic needs as us.

 

My husband placed a very high importance on marriage and on finding a woman to marry and have a family with. So did the other men with whom I was seriously involved.

[Alpine]

Not many benefits to being married, and I can tell you that from personal experience.

 

That is based off personal experience and is subjective to your point of view. For others, marriage might be want they want. So if the OP wants marriage, and he doesn't - they have a problem they need to nut out.

[redtan]

Really? Then marriage is not that important to you.

I want marriage, I'd prefer it be with him but if we are not making progress what are we doing?

 

I do think marriage is important, but not that important that if my GF doesn't want marriage it will completely turn me off from loving her and make me just want to leave.

 

What you are doing is spending time with someone you love and enjoy being around. If the lack of ring makes you not love him and not want to be around him, then do you really love the guy?

 

I understand marriage is big for women, but please don't tell me that a simple ring and marriage certificate makes the difference between wanting to be with that person and leaving him completely to go find someone else.

[camus154]

It's none of our place to tell the OP what is and is not worth ending the relationship over. In this case it's marriage--a huge life decision--and there's absolutely nothing wrong with having that as a life goal and choosing to move on if the current relationship will not provide that.

 

Discussions about whether she really loves him or why she needs to justify how important marriage is to her are missing the point. Real life isn't as easy as simply being in love with someone. A whole lot else has to line up in order for a relationship to be a healthy one.