John3572 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 If you love him why do you have to marry him? Marriage doesn't mean he's yours forever, it means he's yours until you breakup(i.e. divorce). Obviously, he doesn't want to get married, if he did he would've popped the question by now. If you just want to be married to be married, than break up with him and find someone that wants to be married. If you love him, let him be. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 And if she loves herself she needs to stay true to her values and goals/dreams. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Hi, I only read a few posts on this thread but here is my view: 4 years is an extremely long time. He knows everything there is to know about you at this point. A woman's fertility peaks at 27. If you want to have kids, you don't have a lot of time to waste. Almost every man I know is scared to commit. In this day and age, they are getting absolutely everything they need without taking that big scary step, so they have very little incentive. I've seen it work for a woman to tell a guy that she can't continue dating him forever, and give him 3 months to make a decision on whether he's ready to get married. This is totally reasonable and any man has to respect this position. Just as a man wouldn't continue on INDEFINITELY WITHOUT SEX, a woman can't be expected to continue on indefinitely without marriage. Then walk away if he's not ready after 3 months, and have absolutely NO CONTACT with him unless he basically indicates that he's changed his tune and is ready to commit. This allows him to come to the decision on his own. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 If you love him why do you have to marry him? Marriage doesn't mean he's yours forever, it means he's yours until you breakup(i.e. divorce). Obviously, he doesn't want to get married, if he did he would've popped the question by now. If you just want to be married to be married, than break up with him and find someone that wants to be married. If you love him, let him be. Marriage is to women what sex is to a man. We need that total commitment to feel secure, cherished and adored. These are a woman's primary needs. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Marriage is to women what sex is to a man. We need that total commitment to feel secure, cherished and adored. These are a woman's primary needs. My husband is all "man" and marriage is just as important to him as to me (and sex is a very important part of our marriage). I wouldn't have married a man who didn't feel the same way about the vows we took. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thanks Lavender I agree with what you're saying, I've told him I need at least a year to plan our wedding, I wouldn't just rush into it after engagement which is one of the reasons this ringless finger bothers me. I know I won't be married within another year!! Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 If you love him why do you have to marry him? Marriage doesn't mean he's yours forever, it means he's yours until you breakup(i.e. divorce). I agree that marriage does not mean forever but it means a hell of a lot more than girlfriend! We don't live together, we have no children together are you suggesting things just stay like this because marriage is not important? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thanks Lavender I agree with what you're saying, I've told him I need at least a year to plan our wedding, I wouldn't just rush into it after engagement which is one of the reasons this ringless finger bothers me. I know I won't be married within another year!! I think you might want to be flexible on the timing and he might be intimidated by your insistence that you need all that time - he then understands that it will be a large financial commitment and a large time commitment. I got married 7 weeks and 3 days (give or take a day) after we got engaged. Beautiful wedding. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 he then understands that it will be a large financial commitment and a large time commitment. I got married 7 weeks and 3 days (give or take a day) after we got engaged. Beautiful wedding. Ahhhh I see what you're saying, I thought it was a way of making him feel a bit more relaxed at the idea of engagment, saying we wouldn't be married for at least another year after....thanks, I never looked at it from your point! It's true though, I couldn't imagine getting married that 7 weeks later, I don't have that kind of money just sitting around! Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 What will marriage offer me that we don't already have? 1 Living together 2 A family 3 A house 4 vows before God Do I need to go on??? No,it's not about what others think it's about me and my morals and goals No, his parents didn't have a happy marriage, I don't know if they were ever married but his mom is married now and has been for 20+ years. Then marriage for you means more than a long term commitment and sharing a life together? It means a house and a family? A church wedding, and a ring? (Not all marriages mean this, so it's good if you've discussed your expectations.) These have a price tag. Would he have to carry the financial weight, would it be equal, do you earn more, or make enough to support him? If it weren't for the material part, I'd say why not propose to him? If marriage is about love and commitment and sharing life, I don't see why a woman needs to "wait" for the man to propose. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Would he have to carry the financial weight, would it be equal, do you earn more, or make enough to support him? If it weren't for the material part, I'd say why not propose to him? If marriage is about love and commitment and sharing life, I don't see why a woman needs to "wait" for the man to propose. I'd say we would share it equally, yes, my financial status exceeds his. I don't think I'd ever propose to a man, I'm to traditional, I envision the romantic proposal. However, I have thought about purchasing my own ring........that won't happen though, once I threw it out there, he shot it down like it was hunting season Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 If he stated that he was not financially ready to marry - then listen to this a little. When he marries you, he will have the responsibility of not just himself, but you and your child, as well as future children. I know a lot of women might say "i don't care if i live in a shack with him" but most men or a lot of men don't think that way. You can say "but i get child support for my child" and I will work - but they don't think that way either, as you can always lose your job or take time off. They want to be able to rent or purchase a decent enough home that is not falling down, etc, to house their family. Mostly, they want their job to be stable. My sister's husband did not propose when he was in his probationary period or he was the low end flunkie on the totem pole. He waited until he had his year in, etc, to feel more secure and that he was going to stay there unless the company went south. Also, with your guy making less than you, perhaps he feels that he needs to up that first. I think that you can reassure him that you don't want a fancy ring - unfortunately men are conditioned that they should spend two month's salary on a ring - if you would be happy with just exchanging bands - then tell him, or that you don't need an expensive ring - you might like a colored stone instead of a diamond or something smaller, then tell him that. Or if you would prefer to get a ring on your first anniversary. My ex wanted the big ring not really because i wanted that but because he thought it would show how awesome he was to friends and my family. I do agree that you should decide that after a certain point, the relationship has to end in marriage or a breakup but if you both want to get married and its a matter of when, then I would not break up with him tomorrow over it just yet. if the timeframe has gotten longer, there could be other reasons. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thanks for your comment Abit! You have made some excellent points, I have tried to assure him the ring can be upgraded and the size is not importnat! He said exactly what you wrote, it may not be important to me but is resembles him and people will see it. That angered me that he'd put what other people think about the size before me. I get that he wants to be financially stable....... Thats the thing Abit, the time frame keeps getting longer, now I don't even have a timeframe from him "I'm not going to tell you and ruin the surprise" I think that's his way of not giving me a timeframe to hold him to. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Ahhhh I see what you're saying, I thought it was a way of making him feel a bit more relaxed at the idea of engagment, saying we wouldn't be married for at least another year after....thanks, I never looked at it from your point! It's true though, I couldn't imagine getting married that 7 weeks later, I don't have that kind of money just sitting around! My wedding including the dress cost around $1,500 (including the fee for the officiant, lunch out for 12 people, the wedding cake, my shoes, etc). I don't remember if it included the wedding band I bought for my husband. We honeymooned for three days a few hour's car ride away. Link to comment
paxkramer Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I'd say we would share it equally, yes, my financial status exceeds his. I don't think I'd ever propose to a man, I'm to traditional, I envision the romantic proposal.However, I have thought about purchasing my own ring........that won't happen though, once I threw it out there, he shot it down like it was hunting season So, you wouldn't propose to him to try to secure the marriage you say you want because it's not in the package you wanted? No disrespect, but this sounds like you're really in this for wish-fulfillment about the ring and the engagement and not the actual marriage. Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I'd say we would share it equally, yes, my financial status exceeds his. I don't think I'd ever propose to a man, I'm to traditional, I envision the romantic proposal. Traditionally the man makes more money than the woman, and waits to propose until he can support her and a family, so if you want a traditional marriage you may have to be patient and wait, or break up and move on. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 No disrespect, but this sounds like you're really in this for wish-fulfillment about the ring and the engagement and not the actual marriage. No offense taken. No I'm not all about the ring, I'm ready for progression, the next step. I just want some sign of real commitment after these 4 years. My parents have been married for 30+ years, marriage is very much important to me. I've watched my parents struggle to where my mom had to put her ring in the pawn shop, the love they have is teflon tough and my dad adore's her. That's what I want....... I am ready to have his first child and create a loving family under ONE roof. In all honesty he expressed his want for more than one child.....I will say again, I'm 28.....he's 32....can we get this ball rolling! Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 People are really making this more convoluted than it needs to be. There is no such thing as "right" or "wrong" here. Only boundaries and choices. If marriage is important enough to you that you're only willing to wait X amount of time to get it, then that's absolutely fine and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't matter what marriage represents for you and honestly I have no idea why people are even opening that can of worms. It doesn't matter--that's your call and your decision. We're not talking about your wanting to be married within the first 2 years of a relationship and he's just not quite ready yet. We're talking going on 5 years where he knows this is a priority for you. Not being financially prepared is an excuse. We're never where we'd like to be financially when it comes to ANYTHING in life--marriage, kids, whatever. Life has a habit of happening whether we like it or not. We either make things a priority or we don't. That's the easy part. The hard part is dealing with it when those priorities don't line up. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Excellent points....I was beginning to think I was wrong for wanting marriage that includes living together and children and a house.......so many things were being questioned as if I just met this man 6 months ago...... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Excellent points....I was beginning to think I was wrong for wanting marriage that includes living together and children and a house.......so many things were being questioned as if I just met this man 6 months ago...... I don't think you were actually feeling wrong to the point of not wanting it - my sense is that this has been a goal of yours for many years and that without it the relationship will have to end at some point. If you knew now he was never going to marry you,how long would you stay? Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 I don't think you were actually feeling wrong to the point of not wanting it - my sense is that this has been a goal of yours for many years and that without it the relationship will have to end at some point. If you knew now he was never going to marry you,how long would you stay? I can say this Batya, if I knew we'd be where we are today, I would have never reconciled in 2010. I feel like he told me what he knew I wanted to hear but now that we are "A ok", so to speak, he knows i'm not gonna just walk away. I can also say, if he honestly admitted that he could not see himself proposing this year, if he told me that.......I'd end things because they are not progressing. I wouldn't feel bad about it either, but he doesn't tell me he isn't.....he just says things like "i'm not telling you if I'm proposing this year Honey, that would ruin the surprise" Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I think you need to tell him that while you're fine with the actual day being a surprise you are not fine with not knowing whether it will happen in 2012. Tell him that those are your boundaries and if he can't tell you whether it will be this year then the 2 of you are not on the same page. Link to comment
LostOne01 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Marriage doesn't change the actual commitment of one another. IMO it looks like this guy is being pressured to get married and have kids, when all he wants is a nice girlfriend to relax with. Nothing wrong with that but maybe you should just find a partner that suits your needs. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Ok Batya & Camus, let me ask you this, isn't that like pressuring him and/or giving him an ultimatum? It's like a lose lose for me cause I don't want to get engaged as an ultimatum, I want it to be willingly......... but I don't want to be on this forum Dec 25th 2012 starting a new thread about this same issue with him Link to comment
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