Honey1 Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 If the lack of ring makes you not love him and not want to be around him, then do you really love the guy? I understand marriage is big for women, but please don't tell me that a simple ring and marriage certificate makes the difference between wanting to be with that person and leaving him completely to go find someone else. The lack of a ring does not even scratch at my love for him. Nope, not a "simple ring" I have two of those already, I bought them myself, but an engagement ring and a wedding ring, yes....they are very important to me after spending this amount of time with someone I love, someone who claims to love me just the same if not more. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 It wouldn't turn me off from loving someone but it would mean we had incompatible goals in life and when looking for a life partner I don't think love is going to carry the day if one person wants marriage, or marriage and family, and the other doesn't. Link to comment
redtan Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 The lack of a ring does not even scratch at my love for him. Nope, not a "simple ring" I have two of those already, I bought them myself, but an engagement ring and a wedding ring, yes....they are very important to me after spending this amount of time with someone I love, someone who claims to love me just the same if not more. Ok so you love the guy regardless, then why is the lack of ring bringing in ideas about dumping him and going after someone else? If you love him, and he proclaims his love to you through other means then why are you questioning things? Why is the ring the only way for this guy to proclaim true love and not through words and actions? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Ok so you love the guy regardless, then why is the lack of ring bringing in ideas about dumping him and going after someone else? If you love him, and he proclaims his love to you through other means then why are you questioning things? Why is the ring the only way for this guy to proclaim true love and not through words and actions? I'm not the OP but it's not about a ring -it's about a marital commitment which to many people -including me and the OP was an essential life goal - - if you can't relate to the meaning of the marital commitment that's cool but please don't judge it and trivialize it just because it's not your life goal. Most adults I know don't stay together long term if one wants marriage and a family and the other doesn't even if they love each other. The ring is not a way at all to proclaim love -and making the marital commitment is not the only way to show true love but it does show that the two people are on the same wavelength when it comes to life goals. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I think you have a right to a real answer and not a someday or a surprise or some other vague non answer. It is your life here. What is the point in dating someone for so long if it doesn't progress? What difference will waiting another 1 year or 2 years for him. What is it he needs to know or do to make the decision? You said he lives with his parents. What does he spend all his money on? Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 it's not about a ring -it's about a marital commitment which to many people -including me and the OP was an essential life goal - - if you can't relate to the meaning of the marital commitment that's cool but please don't judge it and trivialize it just because it's not your life goal. Most adults I know don't stay together long term if one wants marriage and a family and the other doesn't even if they love each other. The ring is not a way at all to proclaim love -and making the marital commitment is not the only way to show true love but it does show that the two people are on the same wavelength when it comes to life goals. I don't think I could have typed it better myself......thank you Batya. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 What is the point in dating someone for so long if it doesn't progress? What difference will waiting another 1 year or 2 years for him. What is it he needs to know or do to make the decision? What does he spend all his money on? You ask perfect questions! He doesn't live with his parents, he lives in a house that his mom and step dad own. They own a few houses and apartments throughout our city. He lives in one and so does his brother and sister. Link to comment
redtan Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 if you can't relate to the meaning of the marital commitment that's cool but please don't judge it and trivialize it just because it's not your life goal. I can and do relate with this meaning of marital commitment as a life goal...I'm getting married in 8 months. What I can't relate though, and have a hard time grasping, is why the lack of formal commitment (aka signage of a marriage document) is grounds for complete dismissal of this relationship. OP, has your bf ever mentioned not wating to be with you forver? What if he wants to commit to you fully for the rest of your lives, but without the officialness of a legal marriage? Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I can and do relate with this meaning of marital commitment as a life goal...I'm getting married in 8 months. What I can't relate though, and have a hard time grasping, is why the lack of formal commitment (aka signage of a marriage document) is grounds for complete dismissal of this relationship. OP, has your bf ever mentioned not wating to be with you forver? What if he wants to commit to you fully for the rest of your lives, but without the officialness of a legal marriage? Congrats to you!!!!! *face palm* it's not a "signage of a marriage document" to me. It's a respectable and expected form of commitment. It is a symbol of respect and loyalty. It is progression from the level 1 stages of bf/gf It is saying "you are the one for me and with this ring.....is my proof...you are worth it. I am making a life commitment to you in front of God" so on and so forth but that is my views. You'd spend your life trying to understand someone else's motives if you don't agree. No, he's never mentioned not wanting to be with me forever. I don't see how he could commit to me without the "officialness" when we can't take the next steps in our lives without the marriage ie children, living together....... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I can and do relate with this meaning of marital commitment as a life goal...I'm getting married in 8 months. What I can't relate though, and have a hard time grasping, is why the lack of formal commitment (aka signage of a marriage document) is grounds for complete dismissal of this relationship. OP, has your bf ever mentioned not wating to be with you forver? What if he wants to commit to you fully for the rest of your lives, but without the officialness of a legal marriage? I'll tell you one reason -because I think that people who have marriage in general as a goal -or meet someone and think that they could marry this person -owe it to themselves and the other person to discuss those goals -either generally or specifically, as soon as possible. Then if one person changes his/her mind he or she is basically going back on the couple's future plans and that to me signifies a huge red flag or at least a major incompatibility. If on the other hand the person who strongly wants marriage doesn't speak up about that early on then if all of a sudden after a few years together she (or he) brings that up and hears "no marriage is not something I want" then dismissing the relationship over that difference is a different story -then the person who is leaving should understand that she was unclear about her goals and in a way led the other person on -and perhaps should reconsider staying given the unfairness. To me signing the marriage document was not the meaning of marriage just like receiving my diplomas was not the meaning of what I'd done to achieve those goals. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 You mention that he lives in a home his parents own. There are people that happen to rent out homes by friends and relatives - big deal. But is he living there free or paying a nominal fee? If so, is he just really comfy doing so, has a sweet deal and either doesn't want to rock the boat with them, or is not really totally out of the nest because he is relying on them for the break? Is there something that you don't know about that he hesitates to tell you? I mean, if he pays fair market rent or was living cheaply there in exchange for fixing up the place or did it to save for the future for a year or two, that's one thing - but if the parents have so much, is he afraid to step out totally on his own?? If he does get a big break, does he spend a lot of his income on entertainment, etc instead of socking it away or spending money on education? I am not saying he hasn't cut the apron strings, but maybe he is in this comfortable little zone of his and is not really willing to leave it yet. its not something you have to put up with - i was just wondering. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 He tells me he pays whatever he feels whenever he feels like it. I, for a long time, didn't think he paid anything at all. When I ask to see reciepts (recently), he says he doesn't have any. I know that's his mother but you should always have prrof of your financial purchases. I mentioned that in one of my first posts, I think he's confortable and afraid of the real life finances. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 He tells me he pays whatever he feels whenever he feels like it. I, for a long time, didn't think he paid anything at all. When I ask to see reciepts (recently), he says he doesn't have any. I know that's his mother but you should always have prrof of your financial purchases. I mentioned that in one of my first posts, I think he's confortable and afraid of the real life finances. Oh gee. And when I pay the electric bill when I feel like it only, I end up with no electricity/ Well, firstly. Let's put aside the marriage thing. Would you be comfortable in a relationship nagging someone about paying bills? Or would he be willing to let you to be in charge of finances in the relationship? THe only way a marriage between the two of you would be successful is if you took the lead on that in a way that would be "okay, that is her job, and I am in charge of something different" rather than being a constant fight or battle. In some ways, I think its a blessing that he has not asked you, so this issue can be addressed and worked out or is determined to be a dealbreaker in a marriage for you. Because financial styles can lead to a lot of grief. Some parents like to try to give kids a leg up by giving them a place to live, etc, but in adulthood, if they don't truly appreciate it or do work in exchange, it creates baggage or issues when they look for a wife or husband. It is not the parents "fault" at this point - it is up to him. I guess the other thing - are you comfortable with him saying that he wants you both to live there with parents as landlords? Also, do you think that the parents are leaving that house to him and one to each sibling when they pass and he is just sort of cashing in on the agreement earlu? Anyway, I think that at this point, I would stop asking to see receipts. At this point, he might need a wake up call. He might run the risk of losing you to wake up. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I have to say...if you find yourself having to ask your boyfriend for receipts as proof of what he pays for rent, then marriage is probably the worst thing you could consider. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I have to say...if you find yourself having to ask your boyfriend for receipts as proof of what he pays for rent, then marriage is probably the worst thing you could consider. I agree with this. And I'm probably biased since I don't keep many of my receipts. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 That is funny, the same thing would happen to me if I paid my rent when I wanted..... No, I would not be comfortable nagging someone about bills, I think in the relationship with he and I, it is evident that I would need to take over that department. I am not comfortable with him saying he wants us to live there because it is a one bedroom house, there is barely enough room for him! I have not heard any mentions of him or his brother (kids from previous relationship) being left anything but the sister (child of the husband) will be left a lot of things. Well I ask for reciepts because at one point he said he didn't want to move in with me because he had invested so much money in purchasing that house, when I asked to see proof, he didn't have any. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 I have to say...if you find yourself having to ask your boyfriend for receipts as proof of what he pays for rent, then marriage is probably the worst thing you could consider. Would you not want to see? I mean it's like those commercials about free credit report, I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into for the rest of my life. He was having money issues so I was trying to help him manage his money and asked for receipts.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Would you not want to see? I mean it's like those commercials about free credit report, I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into for the rest of my life. He was having money issues so I was trying to help him manage his money and asked for receipts.... I don't think that is how you help an adult manage his money -ask him if he wants help managing his money and if he says yes you can give suggestions. If he says no then you back off. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 He was having money issues so I was trying to help him manage his money and asked for receipts.... I thought the reason you asked him for receipts was because: Well I ask for reciepts because at one point he said he didn't want to move in with me because he had invested so much money in purchasing that house, when I asked to see proof, he didn't have any. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I think if he said he didn't want to move in with you because of financial reasons you either trust that he is being truthful or you shouldn't be with him. Asking him for proof is kind of insulting IMO. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I think because he told her he had BOUGHT the house, and told her at the same time "he gives his parents money when he feels like it" over all this time, she has a right to know if he actually does own the house, actually has bought the house or this is a bs excuse. Because giving parents money when one feels like it sounds more like renting, so it sounds fishy that he has actually bought the house. If I were her, yes, if it was just rent she shouldn't ask for receipts but she has a right to know at this point in the relationship if the excuse not to marry is REAL (he really did invest in the house) or fake - he is bsing her and stringing her along or does not want to tell her what the REAL reason is. At this point in the relationship, if one party has purchased a home or is thinking about it, one would think they intend it as the marital home or at least would think about their future with the other person. it doesn't have to be the dream home, but to sort of have not said anything til after the fact? It does make sense to buy a small house than rent a condo sometimes and then later renting it out, and that's okay even if it is not the home you consider you would live with your spouse as it hasn't happened yet - but not telling you what he was doing until it was a convenient excuse is odd. I mean, at this point if he really intends to marry you but just not yet, he would clue you in on real estate purchases and that is disturbing. It means that either its some deal within the family or he just doesn't want to get married. I would be tempted to tell him "I understand you don't see us married because you put a lot of money into a house. Sometimes I doubt that you did so, and wonder if there are other reasons that you dont' want to tell me. Either way. after 7 years, I want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. I don't care to have a huge wedding, etc., so don't need a big windfall. I think if we don't have the same goal, we should think about parting ways." But that may be too harsh. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 PS: you don't want to focus on moving in with him. You want marriage or nothing. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to "move in" but then he should be honest that he doesn't want to move in until marriage, etc. I wouldn't settle for less. Also, anyone can calculate that moving in with a roommate or whomever means splitting rent and utilities so it could actually save money so his financial reasons are bs. If there is a financial problem with the whole family he is trying not to tell you, that's different - but still - after 7 years, you are either moving closer together emotionally and mentally too or you aren't. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 If she doesn't trust him to tell her the truth about his financial situation why in the world would she even think of marrying him? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 If she doesn't trust him to tell her the truth about his financial situation why in the world would she even think of marrying him? I agree. But she seems to want to. She hasn't walked away yet or made motions to. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Just a thought--most home purchases are public record available through whatever particular city you live in. Link to comment
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