Honey1 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 Thanks Murdock for your views. He is no longer active but I have heard stories of "Dear John" He has been out since 2006 active reserve, now he's a veteran. Link to comment
murdock604 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Thanks Murdock for your views. He is no longer active but I have heard stories of "Dear John" He has been out since 2006 active reserve, now he's a veteran. Good on him, if I ever have a son or daughter; I'd advise them to never have a serious relationship with someone who's in the military. Hope you guys get through this, marriage is a huge commitment and often men are hesitant to marry because we're the ones to lose out on it should the marriage dissolve. If he loves you and trusts you enough, he'll marry you. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Honey, if in four years someone isn't ready for marriage, there is a serious reason they haven't either cut the ties or jumped in. I think you're giving your power over and it's your decision, not his. I think you should realize you're the prize and prizes don't sit around waiting to be claimed. That's just my opinion. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Honestly, I think people know fairly soon if they want to marry someone or not. I think he likes things as they are and doesn't want to marry you but he will never tell you that. Why? People tend to say and do things best for themselves and telling you the truth would mess up his little deal. His actions are telling you every things you need to know. Yes, it is dishonest of men to do that, but I don't see it stopping any time soon so do what is best for you. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I think if he can spend a week without you, that's a bad sign... Either he's not ready, or he's not convinced you're not the one for him and he's just keeping you around. Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Or maybe he's just the type of guy who can spend a week without the lady. They do exist. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Oh and remember you are still single so get out there and start dating. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Oh and remember you are still single so get out there and start dating. I think the OP said they are exclusive so even though she is unmarried/not engaged they have an agreement not to date other people. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Honey, if in four years someone isn't ready for marriage, there is a serious reason they haven't either cut the ties or jumped in. I think you're giving your power over and it's your decision, not his. I think you should realize you're the prize and prizes don't sit around waiting to be claimed. That's just my opinion. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ I agree with this but how is it my decision? It's our decision. I can't say "ok I'm ready so marry me" then I forced him to and let's be honest, nobody wants to be married to someone who was forced. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Honestly, I think people know fairly soon if they want to marry someone or not. I think he likes things as they are and doesn't want to marry you but he will never tell you that. Why? People tend to say and do things best for themselves and telling you the truth would mess up his little deal. His actions are telling you every things you need to know. Yes, it is dishonest of men to do that, but I don't see it stopping any time soon so do what is best for you. He says he wants to marry me, he's just not where he wants to be financially, he says he can't afford the ring I deserve, he wants things to be done the right way but I am so losing my patience with him! He could have started saving years ago! Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I see you're still at the same point because you haven't made a decision. How long are YOU going to waffle on this? Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Also, I just found out my ex (the father of my child) is getting married this year and so is his ex (not to each other). I know I shouldn't compare that but it really makes the situation more tense. I don't nag him about marriage though, he knows I'm ready he knows my goals, there is no need to beat it into his head everday. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 I see you're still at the same point because you haven't made a decision. How long are YOU going to waffle on this? I'm at the same point because I haven't made a decision??? Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm at the same point because I haven't made a decision??? Of course. You've decided so far to wait indeterminately for your fiance, but that's still your choice, isn't it? Forgive me, but I don't see much point in continuing to complain about it. Either you're too unhappy with waiting and you need to call things off or you aren't willing to lose him and you'll wait. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Of course. You've decided so far to wait indeterminately for your fiance, but that's still your choice, isn't it? Forgive me, but I don't see much point in continuing to complain about it. Either you're too unhappy with waiting and you need to call things off or you aren't willing to lose him and you'll wait. I get your point. No offense taken by your comment that's your point of view. Let's not forget this is a forum, I am just here to vent and get outside opinions from unbiased people. Thank you for your comment non-the-less Link to comment
paxkramer Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 You know, there's something you said earlier that kind of bothers me, OP. You said something to the effect of "I'm ready for something in my life and he's making me wait....is that fair?" And the answer to that is, yes. It's entirely fair. It isn't just about you and your needs and your feelings. It's about his too. You speak about this person you say you love as if he's a roadblock to your happiness. That he's purposefully withholding something from you. All I see is you talking about what you're not getting, but I don't see anything about actually trying to understand anything about his feelings and motives and judging whether they deserve to be respected the same as yours. You might want to think about that. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 You know, there's something you said earlier that kind of bothers me, OP. You said something to the effect of "I'm ready for something in my life and he's making me wait....is that fair?" And the answer to that is, yes. It's entirely fair. It isn't just about you and your needs and your feelings. It's about his too. You speak about this person you say you love as if he's a roadblock to your happiness. That he's purposefully withholding something from you. All I see is you talking about what you're not getting, but I don't see anything about actually trying to understand anything about his feelings and motives and judging whether they deserve to be respected the same as yours. You might want to think about that. No, it is not fair! I know it's not about me, it's about us but if we're waiting this long he's not compromising either which makes it all about him.... he doesn't want to get married after 1 year.....fine he doesn't want marriage after 2 years.........ok he hasn't proposed after 3 years.............wait......something is wrong here I still don't have a ring after 4 years.........clearly a family and marriage is not in his top 5 things to do You are correct, I do sometimes see him as a roadblock to my happiness, I was never vague with him when it came to my dreams, goals, and life plans. Actually we agreed, he told me 2 years.....well now 4 years in and nothing and you think that's fair??????? You say I'm not trying to understand, yet I'm still in the relationship with him, I haven't just up and left him. Link to comment
paxkramer Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 No, it is not fair! I know it's not about me, it's about us but if we're waiting this long he's not compromising either which makes it all about him.... he doesn't want to get married after 1 year.....fine he doesn't want marriage after 2 years.........ok he hasn't proposed after 3 years.............wait......something is wrong here I still don't have a ring after 4 years.........clearly a family and marriage is not in his top 5 things to do You are correct, I do sometimes see him as a roadblock to my happiness, I was never vague with him when it came to my dreams, goals, and life plans. Actually we agreed, he told me 2 years.....well now 4 years in and nothing and you think that's fair??????? You say I'm not trying to understand, yet I'm still in the relationship with him, I haven't just up and left him. I'm not saying that your feelings are totally unjustified. It just seems like you just want him to "get over it" and marry you. Which is fine, I guess, until you think about it from the other perspective of why you don't just "get over it" and enjoy your relationship together with him as it is? Neither of you is wrong or right. But he shouldn't just stop feeling what he's feeling to make you happy or I guarantee you it will end badly for everyone. And the same goes for you and your feelings. Clearly, he's happy with where things are. If you're not and he's not going able to give you what you need, then maybe it is time to go. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Clearly, he's happy with where things are. If you're not and he's not going able to give you what you need, then maybe it is time to go. Thank you for your comments, it's good to get views from the other side of the point. I think this is my last year, I cant see myself 5 years in and still in the bf/gf role. Not living together, no ring, nothing........ I'm not in my teens and I'm not getting any younger. Maybe I should find someone next time who is ready just as I am. :strawberry: Link to comment
paxkramer Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Thank you for your comments, it's good to get views from the other side of the point. I think this is my last year, I cant see myself 5 years in and still in the bf/gf role. Not living together, no ring, nothing........ I'm not in my teens and I'm not getting any younger. Maybe I should find someone next time who is ready just as I am. It's not that simple. It's not like an on/off switch. Or a taxi sign that flips on and says "VACANT" -- It's about how you feel with the other person. Has it occurred to you that maybe he's scared to get married because if you two are happy now, you might ruin it with marriage and... expectation? Did his parents have a happy marriage? I mean, there's tons of things that influence the feeling on this. I guess I just don't understand what marriage will offer you that you don't already have? Unless you're just concerned with what other people think? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 By four years into the relationship I think one should have an idea whether or not they're looking to marry someone. And unfortunately it just doesn't seem that marriage is on his mind. You could be waiting quite a while before you ever see a ring. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 It could also be the case that he does not want to marry her because of the pressure. Men want it to be their decision. A good friend of mine and his gf recently broke up because of this very issue. He treated her great by the way and pretty much gave her everything except a ring. The ONLY reason he broke up with her is because she was constantly bringing up the subject of marriage and pressuring him relentlessly. It had the opposite effect and only made him doubt her commitment to him. He told me after in confidence that if she had just shut up about it he probably would have popped the question over a year ago. Just food for thought. If you plan on ending it at the 5 year mark then you might want to avoid any mention of the subject during that time. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 I guess I just don't understand what marriage will offer you that you don't already have? Unless you're just concerned with what other people think? What will marriage offer me that we don't already have? 1 Living together 2 A family 3 A house 4 vows before God Do I need to go on??? No,it's not about what others think it's about me and my morals and goals No, his parents didn't have a happy marriage, I don't know if they were ever married but his mom is married now and has been for 20+ years. Link to comment
Honey1 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 It could also be the case that he does not want to marry her because of the pressure. Men want it to be their decision. Just food for thought. If you plan on ending it at the 5 year mark then you might want to avoid any mention of the subject during that time. Thank you GlowGuy I don't bother him about it. No need to, when the new year came in we had a talk about our intentions, I reiterated my wants,needs,and goals as did he. Just like we did when 2011 rolled in. There is no need to keep bothering him, I don't want a ring because I was nagging and pressuring him. I'm on ENA venting so I won't nag and pressure him, I talk to you guys Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I think this is about more than you just state your goals, he states his goals, then you walk away. You need to have that really difficult conversation with him where you tell him exactly how important marriage is to you, and you do not want to live longer than another year as an unmarried couple because marriage is extremely important to you and you will never be happy unless you do marry, and relatively soon since you know each other quite well. Perhaps his goal is to NOT get married (i.e., some people don't want marriage or don't want to take a chance that a divorce will strip them of their assets or whatever). But if marriage is really important and he is still stalling after 4-5 years and you are both mature ages, then it is looking like perhaps he doesn't want marriage at all or is not sure that he wants to marry you but is OK to let it just continue as is until he changes his mind or finds someone else. So you must NEGOTIATE and if he won't negotiate and keeps saying 'not now' or 'maybe later' or 'i don't know', then marriage is just not that important to him. People who do intend to marry will usually negotiate, as in, not now, but i think i'll feel better about it in 6 months, and they will usually get engaged if they realize it is important to you and they don't want to lose you, even if they don't want to marry for a couple years. But at your age, what is he waiting for? If you can't get a concrete answer to that question, then i'd assume fairly bad news, i.e., he doesn't want to marry at all. I know that people can indeed give you concrete answers as in, 'i don't want to marry yet because i'm not sure you're the right person' or 'i don't really believe in marriage and am happy as is,' or 'i don't want to marry yet because i think we don't know each other well enough, ' or 'i'm too young to marry yet'. But an 'i don't know when' after 4 years is really a non-answer, or really an answer that says, i don't want to marry you. Link to comment
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