MrBrightside15 Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 The last two weeks I've been casually seeing this girl that I just met. The problem is that I'm not really that excited about it, or that attracted to her. She's pretty, but for whatever reason I just don't seem to be physically attracted to her. Some background: I'm 23, and had been with my girlfriend since high school until we broke up last spring. I'm not going to lie, it still affects me. Not to the point where my life is strained at all, but I do think about her often. That was the only serious relationship I've had, so I'm very unfamiliar with all the nuances of "dating." I met the girl I'm currently seeing through my sister. She had apparently seen me around and thought I was "extremely good looking" and had my sister set us up. It worked, and we have since been hanging out. I was interested, so I gave it a shot. We do get along very well and have many things in common, but while I do enjoy her company I find myself being more annoyed and apathetic towards her than anything else. I think the fact that I had to do absolutely no chasing is a big turn off; she's playing the role the guy usually plays in these instances. She stopped by to see me at my part time job today, then later texted me saying she hopes work is going well (which is basically to say she's thinking about me). Normally to get a text like that from a girl would put me over the moon, but it just kind of stressed me out because it made me feel like I'm getting in too deep here. I'm really not interested in anything serious right now; not after the last one burned me so badly. My new job (just out of college) also takes up a lot of my time, making my spare time very valuable. I am open to the idea of a relationship if the right girl comes along. Also, before you say it's just a fear of being hurt again that is causing me to feel this way, hear this. Earlier this fall I was seeing a girl that I really liked. I was attracted to her and did get excited when I heard from her. I really liked her, but unfortunately she ended up getting back together with her ex. It was still very early, so I wasn't hurt at all by that, but the point is that I'm not incapable of being attracted to someone other than my ex. She really likes me, it's pretty easy to tell. I absolutely do not want to hurt her. The farthest we've gone so far is hug (haha) so right now feels like the point where I need to make a decision. Do I tell her now that I just want to be friends, or do I keep seeing her in a dating capacity and just let it play out? Is it wrong to keep seeing her just to ease my own loneliness?? Advice please... Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 Yes, I believe it's not right to see her simply to ease your own loneliness. If she's exhibiting signs that SHE is excited about the relationship, shouldn't you nip it in the bud so that she doesnt get hurt? The longer you put it off, the more attached she will become, and the more hurt she will be once she realizes how unenthusiastic you are about her. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I agree with Ellie. I would nip this one in the bud. If it's been 2 weeks and you're feeling "apathetic" and "annoyed" about her, it's not gonna work. I would definitely stop things before she gets more attached to you. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 agree with the other two .... you just aint into her ...it happens ...move on and let her move on before she ends up on here with the rest of us . Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I think you were more excited about the other girl because it was safer -you sensed at least that she might not be over her ex and that worked for you in a way because you weren't quite ready either. I am not surprised her forwardness turns you off especially since she's playing the game of sending those "I'm thinking of you" messages hidden in the "hope work is going well" - she figures that since it's "just" a text and "just" about work you won't see through it as "hi!!! I'm here and very interested in you!! please ask me out!!!". I think you're in a frame of mind where that kind of level of interest is too much for you right now in general but I also think you probably prefer the more traditional way of you being the one to do that kind of contacting/asking in the beginning. I'd move on from her and let her find someone who's really into her. Link to comment
alwaysmoving Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I would want a guy who was actually apathetic and annoyed with me to keep hanging out with me. The right girl will come along Link to comment
Espi1971 Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 If she's not doing anything for you, drop her. You're just wasting your time and hers. Beware that when you drop her, she'll probably work double-time to keep you around, which may inflate your ego and suddenly draw you further to her. A pretty girl does not like being dumped, and she will likely do whatever it takes to salvage her broken ego--even if she hates you for dumping her. Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 I'm really not interested in anything serious right now; not after the last one burned me so badly. My new job (just out of college) also takes up a lot of my time, making my spare time very valuable. I am open to the idea of a relationship if the right girl comes along. This is exactly what you need to tell her. At this point, its already too late, but I really dont think that's your fault... She just jumped in with both feet and there was no real way that you could have made her not like you as much as she already does, however, it is best to tell her now than to wait. If you think you like her but just arent sure, tell her that you would like to take things slower... the above quote hits it almost perfect with what you should say. Link to comment
MrBrightside15 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 Thanks everyone for the responses. Seems like it's unanimous. Maybe it was a no-brainer, but I'm just not used to being in this situation. Almost all of my friends are married or in a serious relationship with someone, so getting together with them is always more of a chore than it should be. I don't really have a good buddy that I can just call up and hang out with. It was nice to have that with this girl. Even if I'm not interested in her romantically, she was still a good friend to have around, which is why I suppose I was asking the question. It would be selfish of me to keep it up with this girl just to avoid losing that, I suppose. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Yes, I dont think it would work to suggest that you two dial things down a bit (or remain friends), as she is interested in you romantically and would probably be hurt by your suggestion. I agree with DJ that you probably are not really at fault here -- it does sound like you put in a genuine effort to making things work but the chemistry unfortunately is not there. But to continue on would definitely fall into the category of "leading her on" so yes, do try to let her down easy. Good luck! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 I tend to agree with Batya, that you might have been more interested in the other because she was more unavailable. Nonetheless, I would advise doing what feels right to you. If you aren't seeking a relationship, then it's not worth waiting a bit and seeing if feelings develop. Link to comment
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