Just diagnosed, desperately want to contact ex, good enough excuse?

[LightInTheSky]

So I about a year ago, before me and my ex were even dating (we had only just met) I was in a car accident. After that car accident I started having panic attacks and flash backs whenever I drove in similar weather conditions (the weather was the cause of the accident and no other car was involved). As the months progressed and the weather improved I started to have less anxiety and the problem seemed to clear up. However now that it is winter again and I have begun driving in the same horrible conditions the panic attacks and flash backs have return.

 

A few days ago I decide to seek some professional help because I didn't know how to handle the situation and also thought if I spoke with a therapist about my anxiety, I could also work on my relationship and breakup problems, win-win. However yesterday I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It never EVER occurred to me in all the months since the accident that there may be something like that going on. But now it all makes sense. It was explained to me, after the accident that i suffered extreme anxiety over driving that crossed over into other things as well. When I look back I realized that it changed that way I acted about a lot of things.

 

Anyway I will never ever use this as an excuse as to why my relationship didn't work, however the more I think about it the more I want to tell my ex. He was there the day of the accident and I think he was the person who was then effected most by the changes in me and the anxiety I had. It makes me so angry because I feel like if I had known sooner or had sought help sooner I would have had a better shot at this relationship. Heck maybe it still wouldn't have worked out, maybe we just weren't compatible, I'm just so angry that I feel like I've been robbed of the opportunity to find out. ALSO i'm so angry that a guy can't realize his girlfriend has PTSD!!!!! I mean COME ON!!!! how could he have really thought I was fine, when looking back I SOOO clearly wasn't. I just don't know what to do with this information, I have another appointment with the counsellor in a week but I'd still like to know what other people would do in this situation. Thanks.

[In the Dark]

I personally don't think there is a point in contacting him.

 

Regardless of letting him know why this was happening to you, the reasons in the past for the break up have happened.

Now you have it diagnosed, you maybe able to understand how to control this or at least understand why it is happening.

 

Then you can let the next partner who comes along know why you have these problems to see if it is a concern for them.

[SparklyBoots]

Are you on friendly terms? Were you friends before you went out? I think it would be fine to tell him if you have kept some kind of communication and there is some kind of connection there.

Tbh if you haven't spoken for a long time then dropping this out of the blue may make zero difference to him.

 

Also if you let him know and he is cold then you may end up hurting yourself even more and having more anger to deal with on top of everything else...

 

If you are set on telling him, it may be best to wait and have some more therapy etc so you have dealt a little more with the PTSD and are in a better place yourself maybe.

 

I dunno, I was diagnosed with clinical depression which had been brewing for a long time before we split and I know I hadn't been acting 'myself'...when I told my ex of the time it didn't mean a thing to him as he was deep in the throes of moving on and it just hurt me more - I am fine now, have been for a long time but he still didn't wanna know...but you know this guy and how he rolls - maybe he has more empathy for folk than that ex...use what you know of him and how he acts with you and others before putting yourself out there....

[LightInTheSky]

Then you can let the next partner who comes along know why you have these problems to see if it is a concern for them.

 

Now that I know what is happening I will definitely be working on it with professional help, hopefully by the time I am ready for a new relationship I won't be in the same boat Your right the breakup and the reasons are in the past and I have to accept this, it's just so frustrating coming to terms with it.

 

Are you on friendly terms? Were you friends before you went out? I think it would be fine to tell him if you have kept some kind of communication and there is some kind of connection there.

Tbh if you haven't spoken for a long time then dropping this out of the blue may make zero difference to him.

 

Also if you let him know and he is cold then you may end up hurting yourself even more and having more anger to deal with on top of everything else...

 

If you are set on telling him, it may be best to wait and have some more therapy etc so you have dealt a little more with the PTSD and are in a better place yourself maybe.

 

I dunno, I was diagnosed with clinical depression which had been brewing for a long time before we split and I know I hadn't been acting 'myself'...when I told my ex of the time it didn't mean a thing to him as he was deep in the throes of moving on and it just hurt me more - I am fine now, have been for a long time but he still didn't wanna know...but you know this guy and how he rolls - maybe he has more empathy for folk than that ex...use what you know of him and how he acts with you and others before putting yourself out there....

 

Thats the one thing that has made me really think about telling him, we have had no contact except for the occasional "friendly" (more like awkward) wave when we run in to each other. I wouldn't call us friends before we went out, we didn't hangout in the same groups of people but we were work friends. Your right that I should wait until I understand this more and have dealt with it a bit, I would hate to go into something with my emotions all over the place, I want to find a way to come out of this on top, and maybe that means not telling him.

[Awoken]

Very sad situation. definitely carry on getting professional help with this issue and then when you feel that you have made enough positive progress I personally would just let him know. Via email or some way that he can reply in his own time. As you know he may not take it the way you want him too. So by emailing it will give him a chance to think about replying or not. And then at least you know you have tried to let him know. And your right you'll be in a much better place to move on into a more positive relationship. Good luck my friend

[SparklyBoots]

You are the most important person right now - I know it is hard and frustrating knowing that you weren't really 'yourself' when you were with your ex, but maybe it is best to try and put explaining that on the backburner.

 

You are in a win situation right now to sort out your life and make things better all round now you have a diagnosis and a way to move forward with your life. If you focus on yourself and your healing, when you are in a better place maybe that is the time to make a decision regarding contacting the ex. As has been said good luck, it may not be an easy journey but I hope you can get on top of this and come out of it much happier again all round.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you have to be careful about things like this. It is very simplistic to say "Oh, I just learned I have such and such a condition, so now I understand why I was behaving a certain way in the relationship...since I have seen the light, that means my ex should understand and be sympathetic and want to try again knowing what I know now". That is your perspective and the shoes you walk in. However, from the ex's perspective they may have gone through a lot of pain and grief during the relationship and they are just so fed up they don't want to risk going down the same road again. It is not that they are cold and unfeeling..it is just that the relationship is over and you are not their problem anymore. They just want to heal and move on.

[DN]

ALSO i'm so angry that a guy can't realize his girlfriend has PTSD!!!!! I mean COME ON!!!! how could he have really thought I was fine, when looking back I SOOO clearly wasn't.

You didn't realise that your had PTSD and it took a therapist to diagnose it. How was he supposed to know if you didn't? I think you are being angry with him for a very unfair reason. It was not his fault you had the accident and it wasn't his fault if you treated him badly in some way as a result.

[butterflyburn]

Honey, I sympathise with your diagnosis and you will get through it. You do not need your ex in any form consciously or subconsciously. Let him be. Move on, be strong. Should he decide to be part of your life you can then share this information but for now, use your other networks for support. Telling your ex about this screams victim to me and that is so unattractive regardless of the gravity of your situation

[ryan2600]

Let him go. If he could not love, each part of you good and bad, then he was not loving unconditionally.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Let him go. If he could not love, each part of you good and bad, then he was not loving unconditionally.

 

Sure..but lots of men and women love unconditionally and put up with a lot of unpleasantness from their partner. Loving unconditionally can often be a sign of unhealthy, co-dependent attachment. One can love someone but know it is healthier to be away from them so that you don't continue to be their emotional punching bag.

[ryan2600]

What I meant was anyone who leaves someone because of a disability or even partial one is not worth worrying about. I did not mean unconditional acceptance of abuse.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What I meant was anyone who leaves someone because of a disability or even partial one is not worth worrying about. I did not mean unconditional acceptance of abuse.

 

He had no idea at the time that she was dealing with PTSD, and neither did she. Moreover, the relationship had not been long enough for him to really know how she was before the accident. All he could go on was the way she was behaving towards him.

[jeepman41]

You were not aware of a condition that you had. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow. How does this affect your ex and your past relationship? I think you just want to vent. No use in contacting them, just stay away and keep working on yourself.

[LightInTheSky]

when you feel that you have made enough positive progress I personally would just let him know.

 

Your right I definitely need to be in a better place before I talk to him about it, if I decide to talk to him about, still not sure. Ideally I’d like to be on the kind of terms with him one day that would allow for me to talk to him about it, but that may not happen. Thanks for the support ☺

 

You are in a win situation right now to sort out your life and make things better all round now you have a diagnosis and a way to move forward with your life. If you focus on yourself and your healing, when you are in a better place maybe that is the time to make a decision regarding contacting the ex. As has been said good luck, it may not be an easy journey but I hope you can get on top of this and come out of it much happier again all round.

 

it’s true that one of the most positive things to come from this is, beside the bad feelings surrounding the situation with my failed relationship, I have also been filled with this HUGE sense of relief. I think deep down I knew something was a little off and now that I know I’m excited to get back to who I was and be in a place where things are really good in my life.

 

However, from the ex's perspective they may have gone through a lot of pain and grief during the relationship and they are just so fed up they don't want to risk going down the same road again. It is not that they are cold and unfeeling..it is just that the relationship is over and you are not their problem anymore. They just want to heal and move on.

 

I think that is what upsets me the most. Thinking about how crappy it must have been for him. I genuinely care about his feelings (that’s one of the reasons I have made no attempt to contact him since the day we broke up) and I feel like a horrible person for not being the girlfriend I could have/should have been. While I admit it would feel nice if he were sympathic and caring about the situation I think another big reason I want to tell him is I SOOO don’t want to be remember by him this way.

 

You didn't realise that your had PTSD and it took a therapist to diagnose it. How was he supposed to know if you didn't? I think you are being angry with him for a very unfair reason. It was not his fault you had the accident and it wasn't his fault if you treated him badly in some way as a result.

 

Again, totally right. I know that logically and in my head there is no way he could have known, just as I didn’t know, and that I can’t fault him for that. But there is this part of me that is upset about it and it doesn’t even make sense to me. I can’t even rationalize it to myself.

 

Telling your ex about this screams victim to me and that is so unattractive regardless of the gravity of your situation

 

I hate those people who force themselves into the victim category lol. I definitely want to avoid that at all cost. Good point!

 

Let him go. If he could not love, each part of you good and bad, then he was not loving unconditionally.

 

While it’s true and I hope one day to find that person who can love me unconditionally it’s just sad to think that for a period of time I really thought he could have filled that role. Crushed expectations are the worst.

 

You were not aware of a condition that you had. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow. How does this affect your ex and your past relationship? I think you just want to vent. No use in contacting them, just stay away and keep working on yourself.

 

I did really need to vent. These are the kind of things I tend not to feel comfortable going to my family and friends about and I’m so grateful that ENA is here for these instances. I don’t think I will be contacting him or informing him of this now, it’s not the right time and maybe it will never be the right time but I’ll have to wait and see.

[DN]

I don't think that when most people talk about 'unconditional love' they mean that you are supposed to put up with some treating you badly.

[LightInTheSky]

I don't think that when most people talk about 'unconditional love' they mean that you are supposed to put up with some treating you badly.

 

and I agree. I wasn't outwardly mean to him or insulting or anything like that. I was, without realizing it, neglecting on an emotional level, for whatever reason I stopped putting in the effort with our relationship that he deserved. I wasn't the person he needed or the person he thought I was in the beginning. I wish I had been, I really do, but we all make mistakes. I think unconditional love means sticking with someone when you know they are going through something difficult that may alter who they are. As it's been pointed out he didn't know there was something wrong so of course I don't think he should have loved me unconditionally, there's just a small selfish part of me that wish he had stayed, but like I said it's a small selfish part of me. Also when I talked of crushed expectations I was speaking more along the lines of the expectations that we would last a long time, not that I expected him to stay when he was unhappy. Just wanted to clear that up. I very much agree that when treated badly there no is reason to stay with someone.

[butterflyburn]

You sound like you are taking a lot of flake for the demise of the relationship. If this is in reference to your 50% then it is good and well but from my experience, when relationships fail, the dumped often takes a lot of unnecessary responsibility for what happened. I was like that but when we deconstructed the relationship and its ends turns out I was not half as bad as I thought I had been. But what I had done was internalized the assumed failures and accepted them as my fault. Also, some of the things the ex had said had stayed with me yet in all honestly he was half to blame as I was so forgive yourself and live with this but do not carry any more burden that you ought to

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You sound like you are taking a lot of flake for the demise of the relationship. If this is in reference to your 50% then it is good and well but from my experience, when relationships fail, the dumped often takes a lot of unnecessary responsibility for what happened. I was like that but when we deconstructed the relationship and its ends turns out I was not half as bad as I thought I had been. But what I had done was internalized the assumed failures and accepted them as my fault. Also, some of the things the ex had said had stayed with me yet in all honestly he was half to blame as I was so forgive yourself and live with this but do not carry any more burden that you ought to

 

I never bought into the whole notion that when a relationship fails the fault lies 50-50. Sometimes it does...but then sometimes the demise of a relationship is entirely or almost entirely down to one person and the way that person behaved. When someone treats their partner badly or takes the relationship for granted so that they don't put in an effort no matter how hard the other one tries, then I have a difficult time believing that the fault for the demise of the relationship is 50-50.

[Ms Darcy]

It may or may not change his perception of you to know. If I had an ex come back and tell me he had PTSD I would say OK and probably not think about it much more. I probably wouldn't react much either. I am fairly numb to them.

 

I hope you are not looking for any reaction to himif you do tell him this in the future. It might not even change his opinion of you.