disagreements about who pays

[queenie86]

I'm in an LDR. My boyfriend just came to visit me, and he paid for his plane ticket. We plan for me to go visit him in about a month or two, and I will pay my plane ticket. His birthday is coming up, so while he was here I took him out for drinks and dinner, and we went to the movies and each paid our own way.

 

He makes about 2.5x more than I do, and when we first started dating paid for most everything (for the first two months or so). Now he wants to split things 50/50. We tried things like I pay for everything under $25 and he pays for everything over, and I liked that but he didn't (it was originally his idea tho).

 

Anyway, while he was here, I took him out as I said, and paid about $70 total last night. This morning I wanted to go out for breakfast, so we agreed to. He did say he'd be happy staying in and cooking. I wanted to go out, but I guess I still wanted him to pay since I had paid for everything the night before. The bill came and he didn't .. he did offer to pay me back for his half but I refuse to split tabs because it seems clinical to me.

 

I got upset at him because I guess I was expecting since I paid for a lot more than he did the night before, he'd get breakfast. I just felt at that point that I had paid for nearly everything.

 

He told me I should have said I wanted him to pay. I know he is right that I can't hold him to expectations that I don't verbalize, but it makes me really uncomfortable and feel cheap if I ask him to pay.

 

The bigger issue is that we keep fighting about money. He said today that I'm not happy unless he pays for everything.. I don't want him to pay for everything, but I don't think 50/50 is fair either since he makes more money. He is a generous person but I can't help but start to resent him when I think about the fact that I worked two hours for that breakfast, and if he had paid it would have been more like 45 mins.

 

I really don't want this to break us up. Everything else between us is so good and it seems like such a stupid thing to fight about. I don't expect him to support me, I am not materialistic and I wouldn't care if he lost his job tomorrow. I just want us to find a good compromise or at least be able to have a productive conversation about this. Right now it's just painful and we get nowhere.

[Captain Obvious]

If he wants to split 50/50 that is fair but only pay for stuff you can afford, if youre worried about spending so much dont go to such expensive places etc.

[chr8st8na]

Umm i think u r wrong but at the same time, he sounds like he's a cheapskate BUT I know a lot of guys would disagree with this. Usually I think a guy should pay for everything in the beginning of the dating process but the girl should always offer too. Also when one person wants to go out and the person wants to stay home, the person who wanted to go out will pay. It's like if someone you are dating asked you to come out for drinks last minute, you agree having this little expectation inside your head that they will pay for your drink.

But yea... he's a cheapskate haha

[DN]

This morning I wanted to go out for breakfast, so we agreed to. He did say he'd be happy staying in and cooking. I wanted to go out, but I guess I still wanted him to pay since I had paid for everything the night before. The bill came and he didn't .. he did offer to pay me back for his half but I refuse to split tabs because it seems clinical to me.

So you pressured him go out for breakfast and then wanted him to pay? That seems very unfair.

 

It is also unfair to expect him to pay more than you simply because he earns more. You have no right to take financial advantage of him. If he wants to go somewhere you can't afford then he should pay but other that that pay your own way.

 

Women don't have a right to be paid for simply because they are women.

[Stay_home]

I think it's only fair that if I get you this time, you take care of me next time. Personally, we can eat at Ihop if that's all you can afford. I don't have to sit in some big fancy place just to be satisfied with my meal. I've gone on dates with women that believe in the same theory as Chr8st8na that a man should pay and let me tell you, a lot of those women never got a call back from me (sorry Chr8st8na). Because remember, I work hard too. I have bills too. I would like to be just as financially responsible as you. Therefore, it's important for me that when I go out on dates and I do decide to pickup the tab (to which usually I do on the first date anyways) but I don't expect to do this throughout our tenure of dating. In my opinion, it says something about a person who just willingly allows you to go on paying for everything and not offer to pay or get you the next time around. There's no courtesy; therefore, there's no reason for us to go out anymore.

[chr8st8na]

Well I have gone out enough to know that most guys do feel like you do. So that's why I say a girl should always offer even tho I do feel that when you are on your first date or still in that first month of dating someone, a guy should pay. I think that first stage of dating, as females, most of us really care about the classic alpha-male traits- the provider and the protector. Sorry, it's just ingrained inside of us to perceive a possible suitor if he has those qualities. After the first month, then yes 50/50 should be the deal and it shouldn;t matter who makes more.

 

But yea... he's a cheapskate.

[FathomFear]

I don't want him to pay for everything, but I don't think 50/50 is fair either since he makes more money. He is a generous person but I can't help but start to resent him when I think about the fact that I worked two hours for that breakfast, and if he had paid it would have been more like 45 mins.

 

I'm sorry, but that's your problem. Not his. 50/50 is fair. Heck, it would be fair even if he were a millionare. It's the principle of the matter. You're not owed a better deal just because your paycheck isn't as big as his.

 

Also, regardless of who paid for a recent meal, if I pushed someone to go out even though they wanted to stay home, I would never expect not to pay in that situation.

 

And if he paid for everything at the beginning I'm willing to be his financial contributions thus far far exceed yours, and probably would for quite some time even if you started paying for most things. I'd keep that in mind as well before you get too hung up on issues like this.

[FathomFear]

I think that first stage of dating, as females, most of us really care about the classic alpha-male traits- the provider and the protector. Sorry, it's just ingrained inside of us to perceive a possible suitor if he has those qualities. After the first month, then yes 50/50 should be the deal and it shouldn;t matter who makes more.

 

I find it rather comical that straight women who hold this attitude think they should get a free pass on it, whereas they would be quite upset if a guy were to say something like "I think women should stay barefoot in the kitchen and pop out babies because that's what I'm ingrained in me to look for". It's easy to expouse the virtues of sexism when it goes in your favour.

 

The fact of the matter is that sexism is sexism. Having a vagina does not entitle you to have things paid for you at a higher frequency. Period.

[Stay_home]

I think that first stage of dating, as females, most of us really care about the classic alpha-male traits- the provider and the protector. Sorry, it's just ingrained inside of us to perceive a possible suitor if he has those qualities. After the first month, then yes 50/50 should be the deal and it shouldn;t matter who makes more.

 

But yea... he's a cheapskate.

 

I understand that seeking those traits are ingrained into your psyche; seeking the protector and provider but again I think there's other ways of acknowledging those traits in a man besides whether or not he pays for your meal. It sounds like you're confirming the age old question, women are gold diggers.

[OptomisticGirl]

Sorry darling, your in the wrong.

 

1. Do not go the passive aggressive route and assume he's going to pay simply becuase you paid the night before. We all know what assume does. It was wonderful you paid but that was also a birthday gift. Should he have paid breakfast? Perhaps, but as the one who wanted to go out you should have verbalized your desire - that way if he wasn't willing to pay, he could have said 'no, I want to stay in'.

 

2. 50/50 is more than fair. My husband makes 3x as much as I do but if something comes up (like a bill) and he short changes himself on gorcery money I don't pull the 'oh, I make less than you card'. If he needs it and I have it to give, I give it to him. If it's money I had put back for something he sends it back. If it was just extra cash I don't even worry about it because we have a 'your money is my money/my money is your money mentality'.

 

3. It is not his fault you earn less. If you want to be able to afford on your income perhaps stay in more often.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well I have gone out enough to know that most guys do feel like you do. So that's why I say a girl should always offer even tho I do feel that when you are on your first date or still in that first month of dating someone, a guy should pay. I think that first stage of dating, as females, most of us really care about the classic alpha-male traits- the provider and the protector. Sorry, it's just ingrained inside of us to perceive a possible suitor if he has those qualities. After the first month, then yes 50/50 should be the deal and it shouldn;t matter who makes more.

 

But yea... he's a cheapskate.

 

Lets not lump all women into this category you have lumped yourself in. My husband and I split everything from the beginning. I was in no way looking for a 'alpha-male' to be my provider and protector. I'm very cabable of providing and protecting myself.

[abitbroken]

Always offer to pay. But expect to pay the whole amount if you were the one that invited the other person to the event, and if they offer to pay the whole thing or half, then that's great. I think that the bigger matter is sitting down with your boyfriend and telling him that since you can't swing what he can swing, can you guys do things that cost less to fit in with your budget more? I think that if he wants to do something extravangant that is well beyond your means, that he should treat, or he should do it in a time frame where you have the time to set money aside or speak up that you can't do it and prefer to do something else. I don't think "well beyond your means" is a regular dinner, but let's say he surprises you with ballet or cruise tickets. He shouldn't expect you to reimburse.

 

My boyfriend and I - whoever has it pays and it usually works out that he gets something the one time and I get something the next.

[Applewhite]

I agree that OP is in the wrong (for insisting to eat out then expecting to be paid for), but I also agree that he is cheap and wrong as well. If he finds 50/50 fair, then why didn't he offer the 50/50 when she was picking up the tab the night before? How come 50/50 only applies AFTER a 100/0?

[lanaa]

All guys i dated never allowed me to pay..i don't know if its cultural but a guy gets offended here if a girl tries to pay,so its not like we the women expect to get free stuff

 

but it sounds very unfair of him to let you pay that,he knows your situation..

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree that OP is in the wrong (for insisting to eat out then expecting to be paid for), but I also agree that he is cheap and wrong as well. If he finds 50/50 fair, then why didn't he offer the 50/50 when she was picking up the tab the night before? How come 50/50 only applies AFTER a 100/0?

 

I was going to say it was his birthday dinner but when I went back and reread the OP I got confused. First she said they each paid their own way and then said she spent $70. So if he paid for his part, did she pay for the whole meal?

[Ksenia]

I understand where you're coming from, I was in the exact same situation as you are. I was in a long distance relationship for a while and when I first came to visit, and payed for my ticket to get there, he expected me to pay for myself, even though I payed for a ticket while he paid for nothing. This caused some resentment until we talked it out. He also makes a more money then I do. The compromise we came to was that we each pay for our own tickets but when I go to visit him, he pays for things there, like entertainment and food. When he comes here, I pay for expenses other then tickets. For that stage in our relationship that worked fine.

I think you can't expect him to pay for everything because your relationship is not that serious yet. I'm sure when it gets into a more serious stage these thinsg will change. For example, i am still with the guy I was flying to visit, but now he has moved here and we live together. He pays for rent and internet while I pay for groceries and cell phone. He works more hours then I do because I go to college full time, so it works out that way.

You just have to give talk it through so theres a compromise that works.

[Applewhite]

I was going to say it was his birthday dinner but when I went back and reread the OP I got confused. First she said they each paid their own way and then said she spent $70. So if he paid for his part, did she pay for the whole meal?

 

 

I understood those to mean different occasions (the 50/50 birthday mean and the $70 meal she paid) but I could be wrong. So from the examples given it seemed like when it's my turn to pay we do 50/50, when it's your turn you pay the whole thing!

[lanaa]

Oh just read you wanted to go out and eat,, that's a different situation, if he wanted to stay home and make dinner and you insisted to go out then that one was for you to pay

[OptomisticGirl]

I understood those to mean different occasions (the 50/50 birthday mean and the $70 meal she paid) but I could be wrong. So from the examples given it seemed like when it's my turn to pay we do 50/50, when it's your turn you pay the whole thing!

 

I don't know.. some clarification on the OP's part would help. I took it as it was the same event because she said:

 

Anyway, while he was here, I took him out as I said, and paid about $70 total last night.

 

After she was talking about taking him out for his birthday. I could be wrong though. I agree with you Hike but to a point. If he didn't want to go out and she wanted to, then (me personally) I feel the bill fell to her - and I think he even offered to pay her back for his part, didn't he? But to call your boyfriend a cheapskate (if that's how she really feels baout him) then she needs to reevaluate if she wants to be in this relationship.

[Applewhite]

I don't know.. some clarification on the OP's part would help. I took it as it was the same event because she said:

 

 

 

After she was talking about taking him out for his birthday. I could be wrong though. I agree with you Hike but to a point. If he didn't want to go out and she wanted to, then (me personally) I feel the bill fell to her - and I think he even offered to pay her back for his part, didn't he? But to call your boyfriend a cheapskate (if that's how she really feels baout him) then she needs to reevaluate if she wants to be in this relationship.

 

Nope I think we agree on everything on this one. They are both in the wrong (if I understood the post correctly that she paid the full bill on the occasion before, and the one before that they split)

[Galaxo]

She wanted to go out for breakfast, and wanted him to pay when he really didn't care to go out to eat. She is upset he didn't pay. People say he is wrong or cheap?

 

Wow...

[Applewhite]

She wanted to go out for breakfast, and wanted him to pay when he really didn't care to go out to eat. She is upset he didn't pay. People say he is wrong or cheap?

 

Wow...

 

Spoken like a true politician! Yes, we said he is cheap. But there is more to the story! You've distorted the story by choosing a subset of the facts.

 

Who paid the meal the day before? Do we know who wanted to go out that day?

 

In addition pretty much everyone who concluded he was cheap also said that it was wrong of her to want to go out then expect him to pay anything.

[sophie274]

I think that since you are the one who really wanted to go out, it was fine/normal/perfectly reasonable for him to expect you to pay (or rather, pay your own way, since it sounds like he did offer to split).

 

It sounds like you are both tight with your wallets - and by tight with your wallets I mean very very conscious of how much money is being spent, always. You by wanting him to prove something to you be paying more than 50%, and him by working to get you to pay your fair share. I think those attitudes are going to be pretty problematic in the long run ... I don't know, or maybe you are the one so focused on money and he isn't. I just can't imagine being so focused on splitting of costs in a relationship. I've always been in relationships where we both wanted to pay and clamored to pay, and things evened out that way.

[DN]

I never understand this argument that because someone earns more they have to pay more. That seems like gold-digging to me and it isn't cheap for people to object to other people taking financial advantage of them.

 

If you can't afford to pay then don't go out or go somewhere you can afford. But don't expect someone to subsidise your meals and entertainment simply because they earn more than you. No wonder people who earn good money are so suspicious of the motives of people who go out with them - who wants to be valued as a walking wallet.

[FathomFear]

In addition pretty much everyone who concluded he was cheap also said that it was wrong of her to want to go out then expect him to pay anything.

 

I think it's a bit rich to call this guy cheap. As I said in a earlier post, I'd wager that this guy has probably put in 5-10 times the amount of money thus far give that he paid for everything in the early stages of the relationship.

 

I mean, try to put yourself in the shoes of the guy for a minute. You spent ~3 months paying for everything. Then, once the relationship gets close to the point where you start paying somewhat equally, you go out with your girlfriend one night and she covers the bill. Then, the next morning she insists on going out even though you want to stay in. You don't pay for it. How well are you going to take to be called "cheap"? And how are you going to react to knowing that you girlfriend thinks you should always be paying more because you make more money?

 

Sometimes I really think the women who expouse these princess-complex attitudes lack basic empathy. I mean, just think about it for a minute and you'll quickly see how absurd it is.