ut804 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 ugh I am frustrated. I havnt been on here in a while, it finally ended with that bipolar guy I was dating. anyway, been single for 2 months and went on some first dates again from men off the internet. FOR THE THIRD TIME i went out with a man and I had to pay for entire dinner because he had no cash and they didn't accept his credit card. Here's what happened, as well as with 2 other guys: Guy #1 (Chris): He asked me out to go to a pizzaria. I liked the idea of a cheap first date in case we don't like each other. He said it was his favorite place. So I travel all the way to his neighborhood. It wasn't the usual pizzaria, it was a restaurant where you order mini personal pizzas. They happened to be EXPENSIVE. $20 for a mini pizza! We each got a mini pizza, soda, and he ordered wine. The bill came to $60. He went to pay for us (I offered), the waitress said they didn't accept his credit card. It was the only one he had and he had no cash!! SO I had to pay $60!!!! Who the hell doesn't even have $1 of cash, just no cash??? He apologized but made no offer of paying me back. Then he wants to go to a bar after (why, so I can pay for his drinks too??). I said no thanks and went home. Now if it's his favorite restaurant, shouldn't he know what cards they accept? Was he just trying to get a free meal or honest mistake? Guy #2 (Mike): On second date we went to a TGI Fridays. The bill came to $70 for the two of us (Manhattan is very expensive). He insisted on paying. He gave the debit card but it had no money on it!! He also had no cash. So I had to pay the $70. That was the last time I saw him. Guy #3 (Kory): Went to a bar. Realized he forgot his wallet. So I had to pay for his drinks. The time after that he asked me for $5 for lunch. I stopped seeing him. Soo.... are these honest mistakes or I am suddenly a man and taking men out to dinner? I mean guys would always pay for a woman, now it's more acceptable to go dutch, now I am finding myself paying for these men. When I go on a first date, I make sure I have at least $50- $100 cash, a working credit card, charged cell phone, address, maps, directions, etc. What the f is wrong with these men. Shame on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tuffly Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Kinda weird that guy #1 said that was one of his favorite places but he offers up a card they don't take. Maybe you should stick to some coffee dates for first dates. I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 My husband left his wallet at the office the first time we went out but he begged me to let him pay me back (I wouldn't take his money). He's a very generous person. If he hadn't offered to pay me back -or at least his share - I wouldn't have seen him again because I would have assumed he left his wallet behind on purpose. Sorry this has happened to you three times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ut804 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 Kinda weird that guy #1 said that was one of his favorite places but he offers up a card they don't take. Maybe you should stick to some coffee dates for first dates. I yeah.. or maybe before the date I should send a text saying "so do you have enough cash for tonight and credit cards that they accept?". well i would never say that lol but aren't they ashamed? and no one carries cash anymore ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ut804 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 My husband left his wallet at the office the first time we went out but he begged me to let him pay me back (I wouldn't take his money). He's a very generous person. If he hadn't offered to pay me back -or at least his share - I wouldn't have seen him again because I would have assumed he left his wallet behind on purpose. Sorry this has happened to you three times. i mean thats why I'm so mad, it happened not once but 3 times!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flux Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Three dates in a row? That doesnt sound very coincidental to me. I would've just turned around and claimed I only had my half of the bill in cash, turned on my heel, and left them stood there with the waiter. I hate people paying for me, I really can't stand it, even when my partner tries to buy things like dinner for me I instantly refuse and pay either all of it or my split. Think you should definitely stick to coffee or McDonald dates.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsunrise Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 The pizzaria is guy#1's favorite place but he doesn't know they don't take his favorite credit card!? Yeah right. I think you got scammed. He had to know... how did he pay in the past??! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22n32 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Next time this happens. Just put down ur share of the bill.. and say good luck trying to fig it out.. Reason people keep doing it, is there getting away with it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ut804 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 Next time this happens. Just put down ur share of the bill.. and say good luck trying to fig it out.. Reason people keep doing it, is there getting away with it... good idea. I mean i come prepared but maybe i should just lie and say i only have a little bit of cash and no credit card Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 No more dates where there's a shared bill!! Plain and simple. Coffee? Buy your own, sit down and wait for him to get there. Done. Lunch? Again, pay the cashier and sit down. Thnk sandwich shop where the cashier is between the food and the table. DONE!! Any place with a bill is TOO intimate, anyways!!! If you get stiffed, it's a $20 combined bill, max. That's a good first date. Anything higher, you shouldn't be thinking of as a first date. And if you're thinking a man is going to pay $70 for your first dates... come on now, silly girl! You're eating what you're dishing out! Sounds a lot like the Cat who thought "Mice Twice!" when his mousy friend asked if she could invite friend when the cat asked her out to dinner. And instead of another mouse, she brought a dog!! And no, nobody carries cash anymore. We don't have it. And if we do, well, the card has a moneyback guarantee in the event of theft, and we're getting rewards back for using the card. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brightest Dark Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Doesn't sound good. I met up with a female friend the other month (I don't see her often as we have different hobbies/tastes). We decided to get some food at a restaurant before going to a show. At the end of the meal she looked in her bag and said her purse wasn't there. She said she must've left it in the other bag as she'd switched bags before coming out of the house - so I had to pay for the meal. I don't know if she was telling the truth and genuinely forgot it or if she had planned that or just said it to get me to pay for everything. I haven't met up with her since then, although next time I do, I will remind her how she forgot her purse. I agree with Tuffly and think you should stick to meeting for a drink and not a meal for the first date. Just go for coffee or a bar for a drink or two. At least then if they've forgotten it you'll find out sooner and it won't cost as much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 You mentioned that you live in Manhattan, which is definitely expensive, so it's especially important to pick a low-key cheap first date such as going out for coffee or ice cream. If your date suggests dinner, you might want to make a counter-suggestion of something like that. There are multiple advantages to doing that instead of dinner, one being you avoid the forgotten wallet syndrome until you get to know the other person better and can trust that they won't forget their wallet or will actually pay for the next date or offer to pay you back if they do. Another advantage is if the date isn't going well, it gives you an easy out, or if the date is going well, you can just order up some more snacks/coffee. You can spend as much or as little time on the date as you want. With dinner it's kind of hard to get out of it once you've sat down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Well, if nothing else this experience will better allow you to empathize with most guys, who end up footing the bill almost 100% of the time because it's deemed polite/expected of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brightest Dark Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Well, if nothing else this experience will better allow you to empathize with most guys, who end up footing the bill almost 100% of the time because it's deemed polite/expected of them. Not saying it's right but a lot of the time guys STILL get paid a lot more than us females. I have male friends who make £100 more a week than me. Maybe some females like a guy to pay because they know he can afford it a lot more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Not saying it's right but a lot of the time guys STILL get paid a lot more than us females. I have male friends who make £100 more a week than me. Maybe some females like a guy to pay because they know he can afford it a lot more. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you want us to take you seriously on "our end," show us that you respect us on your end... until then, you will not be considered equal, whereas you're expected to be recieving this extra status elsewhere. When Jafar became a Genie...he also gained a lamp. Men may appear to have been free all these years with our power, but in all honesty, all but the richest of us have come with a lamp all along... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Not saying it's right but a lot of the time guys STILL get paid a lot more than us females. I have male friends who make £100 more a week than me. Employers know that we can't get pregnant, so they won't have to pay us while we can't work; also, we're much less likely to quit our job in order to raise children. As such, they've all secretly agreed to pay us more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chr8st8na Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Are these guys working together to make you poor? Jesus Christ!! Sounds too fishy.... I think next time, just offer going to Starbucks so you won;t beat yourself up if you had to pay for their Venti Carmel Frappacino. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Employers know that we can't get pregnant, so they won't have to pay us while we can't work; also, we're much less likely to quit our job in order to raise children. This is spot on, though not exactly causationally correct, and the conclusion of "The Mathematics of Sex: How Biology and Nature Conspire to Limit Talented Women and Girls," Ceci & Williams. In this rather extensive study of the STEM bloc [science, technology, engineering, mathematics], the researchers found that the main reason women are underrepresented is because they choose to take two years off to have a child and typically then follow that up to become a part-time parent. Choose, not forced or coerced into the role. The reason why pay languishes behind their male and nonbearing female counterparts is doublefold: first, in taking off two years or even 18 months, one becomes a full generation behind in any one of these career fields - that's how rapid these fields are moving. Second, parenting is a full time job, so while a childless person could give 60 hours a week to their work and still have a comfortable 20 hours a week to themselves [sleep is another 40 hours a week], parents often find themselves running to take care of the other 40 hour engagement, their kids - and kids come up sick or other "life happens" issues and Typically, even if Dad is available, mommy wants to be the one who provides that care. Lest suppose me and Ms. A, a single mother, start the same job at the same time. Now I have no "life," so I can do what I what when i want. Ms. A must often drop her whole word for Tyke B and Tyke C. If I give 60 hours a week and my single-mom colleague gives 40 hours a week, then after a 50 week year, I have put in 3000 hours and my female collegues has put in 2000 hours. Seeing as how 1000 hours is the amount of time I have seen cited as the length of time that is necessary to gain full proficiency in just about any skill, in short, I have 1000 hours more knowledge than my colleague - even though we started equally at 0. And if it is in the last upper 10% of our work we make the most discoveries discoveries, then it's very simple to see why I will end up getting more raises, bonuses and more avenues for promotion while my female counterpart gets passed up and even preselected into the "purge drawer' because she often shows up late to work [kid was slow this morning], has no sick days [kid was sick, had to call in], and always has an excuse for poor performance [but I have kids!]. On the outside, the gripers will compare only what they see on paper: two full time workers, one a man, one a woman, with the man making more money per year than the woman. But really, what they are comparing is apples to oranges - we are NOT equal in the work place becasue we are NOT equl at home! Now there is a strategy by which women can be VERY successful in the STEM field and also enjoy parenthood: it's called Mr. Mom. In otherwords, very professional women who also aspire to be a parent should be on the lookout for a man who will have parttime work at best, or perhaps a nice widely available job with great lateral movement but little desire for advancement and in short, no Professional Ambition. In otherwords, a man who has a more traditional "woman's" role. Why is it a "woman's role?" Because it has the kinds of hours that ALLOWS time for raising children!! And Raising Children has been a woman's role - not because men aren't rushing to do it, but because women have been holding that role with an iron rolling pin! The problem is, women being women, they are of the mindset that their male partner MUST make more than they do and have an even better job, or otherwise they are not successful as a female in attracting a socially praisable man. "My husband is a dentist." "My husband is a doctor." "My husband... works in education." "Oh, which college?" "Lakeside Elementary." "Administration??" "First Grade Teacher." It's social vanity at it's best. And there is the small small issue of socialization where women have been brought up as girls aspiring to be the world's greatest MOM among other things, and a woman who works 60 and 70 hours a week is NOT the kind of mom who makes cookies with the kids fter school, or takes the kids out shopping, or any of those other things moms do with their kids day in day out. When one works 60 and 70 hours a week, you're basically out the door before the kids are even awake for school, and then when you get home they're already in bed. When the weekend comes you want to sleep deep into the morning, and then the afternoon becomes short as you get to whatever projects are on the honeydew list - let's not even mention the time you aren't spending with the spouse, not to mention the kids! Sunday becomes a day of rest...with the afternoon once more filled with homework that came home from the office. These are the things the Very Successful do day in day out. Women somehow never took this side of "the real world" into account. Or maybe this other world isn't as important as it's made out to be - I'd much rather have happy kids than a fat wallet and kids with the most gadgets on the street. But nonetheless, we still hear the cries for "pay us all the SAME!" In short, the equality movement is shortcircuited from within by the very people it was meant for. 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OrangeMoon Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Anykind of man with some honour would have paid you back the money. These guys don't like women very much..Sounds like a new deadbeat scam to me. I would advice you that you go on simple coffeedates or a stroll in the park with your Starbucks at hand or something. Just plain and simple dates. Leave all your money for yourself for now. No expensive first dates.. It is not necessary to go out to eat in restaurants to get to know someone you know. The 'forgetting the wallet' think is so plain BS. You should have just paid your half and left him for the restauranteurs. Going on a couple of dates with someone who's paid and you now picking up the tab is way different..but a 1st date no money man smells like a rat to me. You either go Dutch or you Pay..that's it.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeMoon Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Well, if nothing else this experience will better allow you to empathize with most guys, who end up footing the bill almost 100% of the time because it's deemed polite/expected of them. The guy can simply state that he wants to go Dutch. But maybe the women he aims for don't all like that.. If a guy cant even pay for a few dates to get to know me..I mean..what else is there? Its not about the woman not having the money for it..its about something else. For many women getting a sense or feel for his financial security is important. Next to the confidence it exudes. The problem is that many guys need (and women now too) need to date many women simultaneously...and that gets expensive. If you stick with cosy but cheaper dates (coffee) with one woman at a time...until the courting has come to its end..it should not be a problem with any man who can take care of himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I disagree. If someone is crass and cheap enough to not offer to pay back his share after forgetting his wallet then I would want to know that up front about his character. I do agree about suggesting cheaper places. There were at least two occasions where the man insisted on an expensive place that I could not afford -the first situation he accepted my offer to pay half (I insisted because he was boorish) and the second time I told him not to order a bottle of wine because I would drink a half glass at most -he did -the bill was hundreds of dollars and he insisted on paying (he was very wealthy but I ordered sparingly as possible and he finished the bottle of wine mostly by himself). Afterwards I offered to treat to a music venue (because he insisted on continuing the date and it was too awkward to say no, and I figured this way I could treat and make things more even) and he wouldn't let me pay. It's not easy to navigate but my point is that this situation is entirely different -nothing to do with dating - just has to do with basic manners when it comes to how you treat people. She dodged three bullets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I think if anyone genuinely forgets their wallet, they would go out of their way to pay you back and would be embarassed and make immediate arrangements to do so. It sounds like these guys have learned how to scam women on dating sites to get the dinner of their choice for free! What you need to do in future is only meet for coffee dates a few times until you get to know them. And if they try to stick you with the check up front without paying, and don't immediately pay you back, then you know not to invest in an expensive dinner place with them. You can also go to a bar and order one drink than ask for the check so that you don't lose too much on a date with a deadbeat. Always ask for separate checks at an expensive place when the waiter takes your order (at least until you know the person well enough). Then if they try the 'no wallet' thing, let them deal with it themselves. Also recognize that internet dates are really total strangers, so you will have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get a Prince... so you will just have to write off a bunch of them until you find a keeper, just make sure to do it via coffee and drink dates where you ask for the check quickly before a big tab is run up and see what they do. btw, the pizza guy story is the best... he probably can't afford to eat at a place that has $20 for a tiny pizza (that he really likes), so whenever he's in the mood for his 'favorite place' he probably pulls this scam on women he meets on the internet... he could do it once a week for all you know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Not saying it's right but a lot of the time guys STILL get paid a lot more than us females. I have male friends who make £100 more a week than me. Maybe some females like a guy to pay because they know he can afford it a lot more. If you make less money than someone else I would say it's rather rude to make it that person's problem. Ultimately it's your problem. And I think you and I both know that this standard is held up regardless of income, ie, guys are expected to pay even if they make less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I disagree. If someone is crass and cheap enough to not offer to pay back his share after forgetting his wallet then I would want to know that up front about his character. I do agree about suggesting cheaper places. Not sure what you mean. You disagree with the idea of her having more low-key first dates where there won't be any risk of her losing a good chunk of change? The OP has been burned three times already. I don't think it's a good idea for her to continue putting herself in that situation. If the OP opts for coffee dates and other types of dates where she is not in a position to have to foot the bill if the guy "forgets his wallet," the ones who are simply after a free meal will disappear once they realize they aren't getting it and the OP won't be out any money. The ones that are genuinely interested in getting to know her will stick around past the first few more casual dates and as she gets to know them and gets to trust them, she can begin going on dinner dates and the odds are if a guy sticks around at that stage, he's not after a free meal so if he forgets his wallet she can be more certain he's genuine and will pay for the next date or will really pay her back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I disagreed that this has anything to do with whether the guy can afford to eat at a restaurant - this only has to do with the guy in question lacking basic manners. She definitely should protect herself as lavenderdove suggested. I think I misinterpreted your post to mean that the only issue here was that the guy couldn't afford the restaurant -not that he was rude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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