Can you give your bf/gf a key... with conditions?

[RedDress]

I guess the title says it all. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months. Lately he has been hinting (hard) about giving him a key to my apartment. Normally I would find this REALLY fast - but I follow his logic and think he has a very valid point.

 

To illustrate, I drew a map.

 

 

His place_______________________His work_________________My place____________________My work

------------- 60km (~37 miles) ---------- 20km (~12 miles) ----------- 45km (~27 miles)

 

 

If we want to see each other during the week, I cannot stay at his place. The distance from his place to my work is too far (125km) - that commute would be 2 hours (one way) in traffic. Also, the commute from my place to his work is actually an improvement for him. It's kind of a no-brainer. There is simply no choice but for him to stay at mine.

 

The problem is that he works 7am-3pm while I work 9:30am-6:00pm. Over the last few months he's done overtime on the nights we are together, working until 5pm and sometimes doing errands to kill time while I take off work early to meet him (average 1-2 times per week, I go to his on the weekend). His work, though, is cutting overtime and this will no longer be an option.

 

What can he do from 3:00pm until 6:45pm? Give him a key so he can watch TV or make a sandwich or something. It makes sense. It's not really practical for him to go home and come back... that's pretty far.

 

I trust my boyfriend. He's a bit of a snoop (lol!) but he's harmless. I guess I'm just so very used to living on my own. I've never really had a reason to exchange keys in recent years. I like to tidy up a bit before people come over. I like having control over my environment. Maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy. I also feel it's a little fast to be giving him a key. And I definitely don't want to be moving in together or anything... so I feel like keeping boundaries might be good.

 

What do you think of a key with conditions? The conditions I'm thinking about are:

- No drop-ins. (I hate that) - please call/text first

- For him to let me know when he's there, so I know what to expect when I get home. I'd hate to get home just to find him there unexpectedly. I don't think I'm ready for that.

 

Reasonable or unreasonable? Am I being too uptight? Do you (or have you) had similar "rules"?

 

TIA

[badcat3]

Cool map. I think the conditions are reasonable and a good starting point. You're doing him a favor by giving him a place to crash after work and setting those guidelines makes it clear that he isn't moving in (which is a good distinction to make at 5 months of dating). If this arrangement works out and you start to feel more comfortable having him there, you could get rid of the rules.

[diamond78]

I think you are smart laying down some boundaries/rules about using your apartment. You've only been together 5 months and you aren't living together. Plus, your rules are sensible and very reasonable. I think it's better to implement rules now before he does those actions that would annoy you or make you feel uncomfortable, and and then in turn leading you to try to implement them later on down the road.

 

For the record, I wouldn't give someone I've been dating for 5 months keys to my apartment, so I understand your apprehension.

[Leya]

Well, I gotta agree with you.

I love and trust my guy to death. But I wouldn't want him having access to my apartment any time he wanted (and without me knowing).

Perhaps it is cause I am a very private person and have lived alone most of my adult life. My apartment is MY space.

My stuff. And as you said, I do like to have control over my space.

 

That being said, I did spend a couple years sharing an apartment with a boyfriend - and that was "our space" so it was fine. But my space is my space. So I wouldn't give my current guy a key to my place. Though he has offered to give me a key to his place (I refused...there really is no reason for me to want to be there if he is not there) Heck, I don't even like my boyfriend snooping through my computer - even though there is NOTHING incriminating or embarassing in there.

 

So I think it's reasonable Even if not rational.

[RedDress]

Thanks for the reassurance. Actually, at least two of you are about my age too - so it's nice to hear that others think alike.

 

I think part of my apprehension is because it's not about giving him a key because I want him around all the time (as wonderful as he is and even though I'm quite happy). It really is about convenience. I'm not asking him to hang around for an hour or so... it's more like 3 or 4 on a regular basis. Yanno?

 

Actually, I should add that I'm really quite lucky. He's a great guy and quite sweet to wait around. He's even offered to make dinner if he had a key. I mean... if he wants to make me dinner... Lol! I'm a lucky girl.

 

Ok. I will go on with my "conditions". Thanks!

[Day_Walker]

I think that if you want to give him a key to your place then do so but I wouldnt do it for the convenience factor. The conditions seem reasonable.

[abitbroken]

I think that if you want to give him a key to your place then do so but I wouldnt do it for the convenience factor. The conditions seem reasonable.

 

Agreed. personally, after only 5 months, he'd get no key. Unless you had a key to his too just out of fairness and trust

[Batya33]

I think it's fine but he should use the key only when you already have plans to get together that evening and that way you will know he is there (or not).

[Stay_home]

No. Once we start living together, that's when you get a key. Say for example a fiancee', she gets a key. But just a girlfriend, no.

[Ariel85]

If you have to set forth conditions, then you're not ready to give him a key. Don't be pressured. Giving up your privacy is a huge step, particularly if you say he's nosy.

[redrose85]

Sometimes it’s a completely natural step. I do understand the ground rules though, and I think they’re really sensible. When my (now) fiance got his first place, we had been dating for a bit over a month. His first reaction upon getting his apartment was that he wanted me to have a key. I was never really there without him though–– I had my own place and I didn’t have a reason to just be there at any old time. It just wasn’t a big deal.

[RedDress]

Thanks, all. You have given me lots to think about.

[Kitten love]

Personally I disagree with the "if it has conditions attached, you're not ready". Your different living and work situations complicate things. I think it's perfectly reasonable to allow you bf access to your house on certain nights.. but I have another idea for you.. how about leaving a spare key under your front mat on days you have previously agreed to? This way you can tidy your house to your liking, have no nasty surprises, and complete control over WHEN we comes over. After letting himself in, the key gets placed somewhere inside for the next time you choose to leave it out.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I would not do that, no.

[Batya33]

Personally I disagree with the "if it has conditions attached, you're not ready". Your different living and work situations complicate things. I think it's perfectly reasonable to allow you bf access to your house on certain nights.. but I have another idea for you.. how about leaving a spare key under your front mat on days you have previously agreed to? This way you can tidy your house to your liking, have no nasty surprises, and complete control over WHEN we comes over. After letting himself in, the key gets placed somewhere inside for the next time you choose to leave it out.

 

I thought of that too but depending on where she lives and who can see what she does with the key, might not be safe. Also, OP, do you trust him not to lose the key (or, if he does, to pay to have the locks changed?).