Guy I am seeing attempted suicide 10 years ago

[Moontiger]

Ok, so I have zero clue were I should post this thread.

 

I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. Things are good, we have a great time together and he is very different from people I have dated in the past which is a good thing.

 

Last night we were talking on the phone and to make a very long story very short he told me that when he was in college he had attempted to commit suicide. I remained very calm and told me a story about then my BFF tried to take her life, thanked him for trusting me enough to tell me something like that and then segued into lighter topics.

 

We are seeing each other tonight and I want to talk to him more in-depth about this. I was hoping someone out there can give me some advice/experience they can share with me.

[hers]

I also said on your journal...I don't think you should outright ask him about this. He shared a part of his past with you, but unless he wants to share more at a later date, you shouldn't prod. IMO, it's not any of your business and it's in the past. Consider also taht it may be painful for him to talk about and he may find it intrusive if you try to atlk more in-depth about it.

[Moontiger]

Lol, hi hers!

 

I do see what you are saying. I don't want to push him and I would say that if he doesn't want to talk about it he doesn't have to I just really feel I need to bring it up at least once.

[hers]

Why do you feel as though you need to bring it up?

 

I would take heed to your therapist's advice. She sees it as a red flag b/c you have an incredible need to "fix" someone. I think that if you feel that you need to go more in-depth to it, you're just going against what your therapists sees as better for you. I'd leave it alone.

[Madison12]

Don't bring it up. I agree with hers. I recently shared something very personal with my boyfriend in regards to my past that I felt he should know. He told me a few days later that he doesn't want to seem uninterested in what I shared, but wanted to respect my privacy about it and if I ever felt like talking more, I should feel free to talk with him. I appreciated that so much.

[Moontiger]

She actually is encouraging me to ask. She told me pretty bluntly that I should. My instinct is like yours, to leave it alone until he brings it up again, my therapist thinks I should I ask him and I'm still a bit torn about what I should do.

[DN]

I think you should say if he ever wants to talk about it you will be glad to listen but other than that you will not be the one to bring it up.

[hers]

She actually is encouraging me to ask. She told me pretty bluntly that I should. My instinct is like yours, to leave it alone until he brings it up again, my therapist thinks I should I ask him and I'm still a bit torn about what I should do.

 

OOOOHHH!! I must have confused myself somehow.

 

I still think that, with your need to fix people, it would set back the progress you've made. Unless your therapist thinks that by asking, you will be able to put self-control into practice in your attempts to fix someone.

[Moontiger]

No worries hers! I re-read what I wrote and realized it wasn't very clear.

 

She thinks that by me asking I will then have the information I need to take control. I want to give him an out if he doesn't want to talk about it, if he doesn't I'm not going to push it.

[Moontiger]

I think you should say if he ever wants to talk about it you will be glad to listen but other than that you will not be the one to bring it up.

 

I like this approach.

[Snny]

Totally do not bring this sensitive issue up. Realistically, people can get really depressed while away at college due to coping in a stressful environment alone, lack of emotional support, homesickness, or facing failure. Living away at college is NOT for everybody and I have known several people who have contemplated on committing suicide while in college.

 

If this person has worked that issue out and is currently happy with his life, there is no need to make it into a huge deal or over-analyze it. the "Now" is what matters.

[Seraphim]

I agree, there is no need to bring it up yourself, just say you are there if he ever wants to talk about it.

[hers]

No worries hers! I re-read what I wrote and realized it wasn't very clear.

 

She thinks that by me asking I will then have the information I need to take control. I want to give him an out if he doesn't want to talk about it, if he doesn't I'm not going to push it.

 

 

I'm not sure I follow about "taking control". on some level, if we feel teh need to fix others, we are attempting to take that control. Unless I'm still misunderstanding!

[Ariel85]

I strongly disagree with your therapist, Moon. I'm surprised she would suggest you "gain control" by pushing through someone else's boundaries. Very uncool, and I'd be very concerned this is her advice.

 

Regardless, he did tell you this as a show of being vulnerable and open. This doesn't mean because it makes you uncomfortable, that you should grill him about it. This is his past, and something from 10 years ago. Not that uncommon for a high school or college aged person to feel despondent enough to contemplate or attempt suicide. I think you bringing it up for your own personal need for "control" would send him the message that he can't be that honest with you, since you can't handle the truth, as the saying goes.

 

I vote for working this out on your own. What exactly bothers you about this? What is your worry? Why the need to get more details?