Anxiety coming back...

[Fudgie]

I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was around 11 years old. It is comorbid with anxiety, which I also have. I've been on medication since I was 11 and it's worked well for me for all of these years.

 

For the past couple weeks though, I've been feeling transient moments of anxiety, not depression, just ANXIETY. It's irrational and sometimes consuming. It never lasts though and tends to go away but I hate, hate, hate it.

 

No big changes in my life. Still taking my meds. My relationship is fine. My family had a crisis a week ago but we are okay now so it's not that. School is fine. I'm getting rest and eating okay. I meditate. So why am I having this?

 

I sometimes find it difficult to sleep when I have these transient moments. Tonight was one of those nights. I stayed up. When I get anxious, I find myself getting really anxious over crime, violent crime, and will go online and seek out crime scene photos of old and recent crimes and read up on the cases. It's like some sort of morbid curiosity that somehow satisfies a curiosity in me but makes my anxiety worse, yet if I don't look, my anxiety heightens and I swear my mind will think of worse scenarios than what is actually out there.

 

It doesn't help that I've been a rabid crime junkie since I was about 13 so reading about crimes and courts has always been a big interest of mine.

 

When I become anxious, I worry a LOT about crime and don't like to sit in the dark or have unlocked doors. I'm already a very careful person to begin with...I lock ALL doors and windows, don't trust strange people, background check EVERY romantic interest, check every year for new sex offenders in my community so I can know who to avoid, etc. And that's just me when I'm normal! When I feel these transient anxious moments, it makes me not want to go outside at night. And then I look at all of these bloody crime scene photos, which basically are just reminders to me of what CAN happen and I think "oh god this is what humans do to humans! This is what happens when you let the wrong people into your life! WHY are humans so cruel?! I don't want my last moments on earth to look like THAT!" And before you know it, I can't sleep.

 

My boyfriend tells me that I have a morbid curiosity paired with anxiety and I just really shouldn't go onto those sites. I've tried to block them but it doesn't always work because when I get anxious, I'll unblock and go on them again and check out all the new stories/pictures. UGH.

 

If things don't improve, my dad said I could increase the dosage of one of my pills but I want to see if I can handle this on my own. If not, then I'll up my medication. Shouldn't have any side effects, he said. I also have non-narcotic sleeping pills that I can start to use if I feel that I need them. I'm just really perturbed as why this is happened to me.

 

I am still feeling anxious right now. I will try to describe some of it. Right now, I feel like human nature is scary and dark and I can't trust people. I honestly worry about getting stabbed, shot, robbed, mugged, raped, taken advantage of, getting an STD, getting AIDS, just RANDOM bad stuff.

 

I wonder if my anxiety, while I normally don't FEEL anxious, permeates into my life in other ways but it's gone unnoticed. While I was a freshman, I heard of ONE case at ONE frat house on my campus where someone used GHB (date rape) in someone's drink and got in trouble. As a result, I've never been to any college party in my 4 years here, let alone stepped inside a Greek Life house. I also refuse to go to the bars here. Thinking about that now just gives me the sweats. How can I ever get a drunk in public here when I know that there is GHB around? I can't! That stuff will make you go into cardiac arrest, not to mention you passing out and getting raped.

 

I'm so strange.

[midnightdeirdre]

First of all, you are not strange. I totally understand how you feel. Like you, when I was in elementary school, I had huge fear & anxiety over being bullied and harrassed. Watching TV shows/movies/certain books (namely Judy Blume's Blubber) made me scared and frightened beyond belief to go to school and/or join extracurricular activities. Also, like you, I tend to have a strong interest in court cases of horrible things ~ JonBenet Ramsey, Sylvia Likens, Columbine, etc.

 

I once heard that, "Worrying is like trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing gum." In other words, worrying gets you NOWHERE. If anything, it may end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I let my fear & anxiety of bullying comsume my every being, guess what happened? I got bullied!

Another good example: My 6th grade science teacher told us this true story about his great aunt. Apparently, she was so afraid of the date Friday the 13th that she used to buy calendars years in advance, just to see when future Friday-the-13ths would show up, so she could be sure to "avoid" that day. And guess what date she died on? Friday the 13th!!!

 

Bottom line? I know it may sound too simple/too difficult to achieve, but it sounds like you definitely need to change your way of thinking. Positive affirmations are the way to go. Inspired by self-help guru Louise Hay, I have made a scrapbook of positive affirmations that I constantly view whenever I have the chance. They have helped me a lot, and I have made great progress. Louise Hay is known for her book, You Can Heal Your Life, which is one of the first (and best!) self-help books. Definitely worth checking out. You can also view her website link removed.

 

Best wishes & good luck!

[chitown9]

Fudgie, the good new is that you know that your obsessions are not "normal". If you increase the dosage of your medication, I hope that you do so with your doctor's guidance.....chi

[Fudgie]

My dad is my doctor. So I'm following his guidance.

 

Ugh, this whole thing just sucks.

 

I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight and if things don't improve within a week, my med dosage will go up.

[midnightdeirdre]

I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was around 11 years old. It is comorbid with anxiety, which I also have. I've been on medication since I was 11 and it's worked well for me for all of these years.

 

If u don't mind my asking, how old are you now?

[superfox]

Protect yourself by being proactive. Yes there is gbh around BUT -

1) warn your friends to not let you leave them if you feel 'funny'

2) never let a drink out of your sight from the second you pay to the empty glass/bottle. A lot of girls now drink out of bottle as its easier to block the hole with a thumb.

3) your friends and/or bf should always see you safely home and inside.

4) always wear shoes/boots you can run and kick in

 

I follow all these because I don't want to take any risks. My mate takes the taxi license plate on her mobile when I'm home and we constantly text until shes home. this might all seem a bit OTT but it means we can enjoy our night with all bases covered.

 

Never put yourself in a situation for an opportunist. I also think some self defence training might make you feel more secure, a short course would be fun! I did one years ago.

 

The more prepared you are then the more you can relax and enjoy.

[midnightdeirdre]

Protect yourself by being proactive. Yes there is gbh around BUT -

 

What does gbh mean? lol

[penelope13]

If things don't improve, my dad said I could increase the dosage of one of my pills but I want to see if I can handle this on my own. If not, then I'll up my medication. Shouldn't have any side effects, he said. I also have non-narcotic sleeping pills that I can start to use if I feel that I need them. I'm just really perturbed as why this is happened to me.

 

I hear/read the underlined statement many, many times that people want to "handle this on their own", i.e. expressing the believe that taking medication is sort of being defeated or a sign of weakness. However, what you (and others) should realize: admitting/accepting that you are battling something that is out of your own control is a victory, not a defeat. Anxiety and depression have a huge biological/chemical basis that is totally out of anyone's conscious control, i.e. your own body is turning against yourself. Thus taking medication/increasing the dose should be rather seen as 'equalizing your system' rather than 'turning your control over to some drug'. You already have essentially lost 'control' to some molecule - it's just self produced, but it's not supposed to be that one. So by allowing yourself to take medication (and yes I realize that sometimes it takes a number of trials to find the right one and the right dose) you are essentially allowing yourself to take back control of your own body's chemistry.

 

When it comes to anxiety and depression, the advantage is also that you can adjust the dose according to your changing needs. At the moment you are experiencing increased anxiety. Why force yourself to go through this day in and day and to experience all those scary illogical thoughts? Why not increase the dose for a few days/weeks till your body's chemistry adjusts again and the anxiety triggers lesson?

 

There is no easy answer (if it actually exists) why sometimes anxiety is stronger and why sometimes it hardly exists, so at this moment it's maybe not the right point to focus on that. Just focus on getting out of this episode and to get more control over your thought processes again.

 

On top of considering of increasing your medication - how about therapy? Did you try to explore where your specific fears come from and what you can do (besides what you are already doing) to give you a better feeling of being prepared in case you were to find yourself in a scary situation? Did you consider taking self defense classes? Of course you can never be prepared for every eventuality in life, but learning a self defense technique may give you more confidence.

 

You seem like a very level headed, logical person. Trust that. So when you experience many thoughts that part of you consider as illogical - trust that feeling and make yourself aware it's not you, but the anxiety that is giving you those feelings.

[superfox]

What does gbh mean? lol

 

Ooops! Grievous bodily harm! Dang my English Pred text!

[FathomFear]

I also have been on medication for generalized anxiety for about six years. Mine also seems to come in spurts. I'll be 100% fine for long periods of time--sometimes even over a year--and then BAM, I get an episode that will last a few months. And then it goes away as mysteriously as it appeared.

 

Things that help me when this occurs:

- Cut out 100% of all sources of caffeine. My experience is that caffeine will aggrevate any anxiety levels you have

- Force yourself to go for a walk every night

- Eat as healthy as possible. My episodes seem to creep up on me when I eat too much trash--like around the holidays

 

Hope this helps.

[WhenWillILove]

Have you tried exercising? I've read in a magazine that consistent exercise is just as effective as consistent medication.

[Fudgie]

I've gone through bouts of lots of exercise and then times where I didn't do any - didn't do anything for me. I go to the gym 1-2x a week but it doesn't really make a real difference.

 

Since writing that entry, this is what has changed about me:

 

-antidepressant dosage adjusted up. I felt a difference within a couple days. My depression was fine but I think I needed to up my meds for anxiety, which I DO have.

 

-diet/weight change. Lost more weight, don't eat carbs much anymore, more of a medication that helps with this as well.

 

-*therapy* I have been in therapy with 1 person for about 4 years. We had an issue come up around the time that I started this thread regarding a certain relative of my family and some things that may have happened in the past that I may need to deal with. She is just the college psychologist and told me that she really could't do very much for me in that regard. So I swallowed the issue and within a month, had it so I wasn't even thinking about it. And still that way now.

 

I think the last bullet point was the crux of my anxiety but sadly, there isn't a whole lot I can do now. I have a lot of work to finish. Once I move back home, I will see what I can do.

[Fudgie]

Ooops! Grievous bodily harm! Dang my English Pred text!

 

Lol, almost.

 

GHB is the "date rape" drug. "Roofies" if you will. GHB is the abbreviation for the chemical name, which I don't remember right now. In small amounts, when slipped into a drink, makes a person unconscious and they won't remember anything that happens while they are out. GHB is tasteless, odorless, colourless, etc. In larger amounts, it can cause someone to go into cardiac arrest and die rather quickly.

 

At my college, in my freshman year, at one of the frat houses which throws PUBLIC parties for the campus, there was GHB. I heard about it the next day. Some boys got into trouble. They drugged these girls who were there. This isn't the first time though. I want that fraternity to be shut down for good! This makes me extremely nervous and I still haven't gone to a college party. Not much of a party person but after that happened, I refused to even set foot in a Greek house or a party house since then. I thought to myself "if these boys, monsters, have drugged women to basically rape them...what else will they do?".

 

I think my anxiety is definitely triggered by personal safety issues and despite the medication I take, no amount, I feel, is enough to take it away completely.