Girlfriend broke up with me after comparing me with other guy!

[Dev7]

Three weeks ago, I went camping with my girlfriend and a group of friends. We were supposed to stay there for three nights, but on second night, it starts to rain so hard that we have to leave.

To make long story short, I got us stuck in the mud when trying to take a different routine that I thought would be shorter. It got really bad from there because we ended up stuck in the mud then other guy with us accidentally set off a booby trap that was surrounding some drug lab or farm. So we have to get out and leave on our feet in a hurry before someone come to see what was setting the trap off.

 

Ever since that night, my girlfriend has been really distant. Last week we argue about everything and the relationship was falling apart. Today she told me the relationship is over because she cannot stand looking at me.

She told me I was selfish and incapable of taking care of her. She compares me with this guy who led us out of bad situation that night!

 

She’s mad that I:

-Didn’t offer her my jacket but this guy gave other two girls who already have their own hoodies his jacket and sweaters while he go in just his shirt. My girlfriend has a hoodie on while I have a thin windbreaker on.

-Stay close to her and other girls when this guy who was about 10 feet ahead of us told me to stay some distance back to watch our back. But I was close because I cannot see that well from distance and doesn’t want to get lost.

-Slept in the tent with the girls while this guy stays outside to keep an eye out for anyone. I cannot see that well in the dark so it is useless for me to stay outside and I want to stay with my girlfriend.

-Claim I complained! I did make some comments, but I was pissed so I was just grumbling! It isn’t like I complained the whole time!

 

I feel this is unfair! I don’t compare her with other women, so I feel she should not compare me with this guy! How do I get her to see this isn’t fair?

[woodsrose10]

Did you tell her your reasons when she made these accusations? Have you explained to her that you felt her comparisons were unfair to you? How long were you guys together before she broke up with you?

[camus154]

She sounds like a tough cookie, but I'll say this for her--at least she's honest.

 

You got out-alpha'd and your girlfriend took notice. I'd let this one go and use this as an example of what women respond to.

[DylanNotorious]

Your girlfriends a whinger, and she' projecting it onto you by calling you the complainer. Tell her to get over it, and if she thinks the other guy is so great, she's welcome to him.

 

Also not everyone acts like a "hero" in bad situations. She's obviously too immature to realize that.

[Lonewing]

You got outmanned... and she noticed. And she's the type of girl wh owant's the TOP guy in the pack. And she noticed every single time he did something you did not.

 

And you got stuck in the mud, you wore the windbreaker, you slept in the tent, and you made grumpy comments...with the rest of the girls. Guess what that made her look at you like.

 

If you want to go after this type of girl, keep this in mind. A lot of girls will be like this. You have a deep hole to dig yourself out of, if you decide to come out of it. If it's even worth it...because next time...

 

You'll have to have the bigger 'compensating much?" truck...

You'll have to be the guy pulling the guy out of the mud...

You'll have to be the guy NOT setting off the booby traps...

You'll have to be clothing the entire party, man, woman, child, dog...

You'll be sitting outside the tent all week...you won't be caught dead sleeping in it, ever.

And you won't be saying anything but positive manly stuff about how you live for this crap.

 

You'll have to think about this.

[Dev7]

Yes I did try to explain her. All she did is telling me that this guy looked after two other girls who wasn’t even his girlfriend better than I looked after her and still manage to take care of us while suffering from hypothermia and keeping eyes out for any booby trap or anyone and that I could have at least tried to help him out instead of sticking with her and other girls.

 

She just looks at everything I say as an excuse and say this guy know how to take care and thinks of others.

 

I have been with her for 8 months.

 

BTW For the record, it was this guy who set the trap off! He tried to go off path to find something to put under the tires in the mud. That’s when we knew we took wrong path. I didn’t set it off!

I also don't see why I should give my thin wind breaker to my girlfriend who have on a thick hoodie. This guy may wear just shirt, but I'm not that insane.

Also I want to stay with my girlfriend because I want her to be safe and there was already someone else outside.

[Lonewing]

Then you tell her 'thank you' for breaking up with you and go NC. ASAP. She's on a pedastal with her alpha male role model, let her stay there.

[Ariel85]

Biologically speaking, most women would be drawn to the knight in shining armour, particuarly in this kind of scenario. So yes, he did out-Rambo you, and women do like to feel protected by their man in dangerous situations.

 

I'll never forget - years ago, I was on a (second) date with a guy who was not very brawny. I met him at the gym, but he wasn't a big guy. Kinda turned me off a little, but I thought he was cool. Anyway, we went to a playoff basketball game in our city, and when we were exiting, you know the way 20k people do via a set of concrete stairs...well, some guys were barreling down and knocking people over, and my date, sensing this before I did, jumped in between me and these guys. I'll never forget it, because it was so manly, and seemed so instinctual for him to protect his lady, and I totally swooned inside. As much as I like to think I can kick my own butt, I'm still female, so when the chips are down, it's nice to feel that a man can jump in and keep me safe.

 

You didn't do this for her.

[velvette]

^I think I swooned a little just reading that, Ariel! xD sorry Dev, as everyone else said, you got shown. he DID go 'look-out' despite wearing only a t-shirt! if you had to be inside, at the very least you could've lent that guy your jacket. and if you don't want to, yeah, despite not being able to see in the dark, you should've been out there keeping him company. it does sound like excuses, 'I have bad night vision!'. everyone has bad night vision, lol.

 

however, take heart; how manly you are isn't a measure of how good a PERSON you are. but it can make or break a boyfriend for some girls, so... too bad? you didn't do anything wrong, but you also didn't do anything particularly right... it must've been building up for a while, for her to finally snap and dump you though.

[woodsrose10]

Speaking as a girly-girl who loves gentlemen, I have to agree with this. Women love to feel protected and rescued.

 

Remember when the blockbuster film Titanic was released 14 years ago? Girls were obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio ~ I remember at CVS, a group of girls were swooning over his picture on the cover of People magazine. Why? Because his character in the film, Jack Dawson, was a gentleman who rescued Rose from a horrible fate.

 

Did you see any girls screaming for Billy Zane, the "bad guy" in the film? Or Seann William Scott, the badass guy "Stifler" from the American Pie movies? No and no. Girls don't want to feel the need to fend for themselves, they want a knight in shining armor.

 

And OKAY, a few rare girls aren't like this at all. But I guarentee you, most are. That's the truth, whether we want to believe it or not.

[In the Dark]

I have come accross quite a few females who still have a primal sense of attraction, beyond logic.

 

It's unfortunate and nothing new.

Blatantly projected in movies as well.

 

I've played on this alpha type role by taking the lead blah blah blah and it does work.

There is this attraction towards it.

The catch is, I don't want a parasite, hanging off me, expecting me to take the lead and come up with no fail answers to everything all time.

If I don't it ends up being a tarnish on my impression.

 

In real life heros do fail and can fail big time.

I can not deal with someone who expects me to come up with every right answer while they sit back going 'duh what do I do?'

 

So Op.

That maybe one way to think of your ex.

She is looking for someone who in real life doesn't exist.

What happens when the next guy she digs, starts to fail miserably due to unfortunate events like yourself while some guy in the background is doing all the pampering?

[wheelerdealer]

I don't know a lot about "G.I.G.S" but from what I gather this sounds like an example of it... It sounds like she's looking for an "Alpha" and unfortunately she associated one night with you not being that. It does seem a little unfair but like another poster said, maybe she's the type where she always thinks she could do better? Always needs someone with a little more than the guy she's seeing has. Frustrating, but you're probably better off.

 

I would say this though... In the future try to recognize when you're being out alpha'd. I'm guilty of falling into beta roles myself, but I'm better than I used to be at recognizing it in the moment and changing it. Not in a "hey I can lead too!" way, but more subtle.

 

For instance, when the guy tells you to stay back to watch the rear, what? That doesn't make any sense... that to me screams him trying to take an alpha role and make a statement to the girls. You're not in a combat zone here... You walk in the front with him, start a conversation or something. With the tent thing, did he sleep on the ground or never come to bed? Maybe an offer to trade at some point, or at least go out and "help."

 

I dunno man, I think there is a lot of merit to the whole beta and alpha male thing. It's always good to keep it in mind. (I've got the 48 laws of power on the way, pretty amped) In this situation it sounds like the dude was taking things a little too seriously though. Some jokes could probably have been made at his expense. You're probably better off here. Just chalk it up to a learning experience.

[RedDress]

I'm also interested to know how old you are.

 

I dunno... I'm a woman and I think that's dumb.

 

- Why was that guy walking around in a T-shirt?? Yes... let's get hypothermia to get laid. I see that as completely impractical and "peacocking". I would not expect my man to hand me his jacket - especially if I was comfy and warm.

- Why all the drama about traps and people coming after you? What ever happened to "I'm sorry, sir. We were camping, tried to take a different route and got lost and stuck in the mud". That's crazy drama about "stay back!". I'd be rolling my eyes. Of course... you could have let the girls walk ahead of you, though. That is equally practical (especially if they can see better in the dark) and gentlemanly.

- What? Why wasn't this guy in the tent? Again... that's not manly, that's stupid. This guy sounds paranoid. Who is coming in the middle of the night? Where were you camping? On a drug farm??

- Well... I mean... no one likes a complainer.

 

I definitely would have been attracted to this behaviour when I was younger... but as I got older... no. Stuff like not sleeping in the tent and walking around in a T-shirt to look macho? C'mon. No. To me, that's just posturing. I prefer to date actual people... yanno... humans with needs and vulnerabilities... not some fake "hero".

 

Why are you friends with this guy, anyways? He kinda sounds like a loser, IMO. But... yanno... I'm different, I suppose.

[truegrit]

Maybe it comes with age as in mine be pretty darn old, but I completely agree with Red Dress! I do appreciate a man treating me like a woman in certain cases, I'm not so womens lib to reject a door opening or something like that. I would like to think that if someone was breaking into my house that my husband would be taking some action, LOL! But, I think this girl needs to get a little more realistic in her opinion of what a real man is.

[whysoalone]

/snip

 

Most sense, ever.

[Lonewing]

Of course he was trying to be outmacho - from what I hear there were three girls here, with perhaps two of them not having a local mate. And you, being tied down to tone, was in no position to act macho - you had no reason to do it, innately, so you didn't.

 

You'll be fine...

[Dev7]

I don’t think anyone is exactly attracted to him. He’s not that good looking, he’s a wakeboarder and snowboarder so he’s really weathered and sinewy. He’s also tiny for a guy.

 

My girlfriend just feels like I am not taking care of her.

 

To be honest, I was really scared because I know for fact, there are a lot of meth labs in my area and that there have even been a few public warning about such things and there have been report of people getting chased out of place by drug lab owners. But I never thought I’d even end up in area like that.

In fact, after we got home and contact the police about it, the area was raided and a meth lab was seized not far from where the SUV got stuck!

 

I was so scared because one moment he was outside trying to figure out how to get the SUV out of mud then next thing is, he walks off path and a moment later we heard something like gun shot. That’s when he comes back and tells us to get out now because we are in the meth lab area and someone will be coming to see what tripped the trap and they might already have seen the SUV light and are coming for it.

 

But as for rest of things after that… I was scared as hell too and we all were very worried about someone coming after us with guns or other traps around the place. We were just trying to get away as fast as possible and to the road.

But the girls were scared so he just walk up and say he’ll be in the front. I don’t want to leave my girlfriend behind or have her anywhere in the front especially after the trap went off, so I stay by her. But this guy doesn’t like it and keep try to tell me to stay back for in case I see someone coming. This really pisses me off, especially when my girlfriend gets mad at me for not doing as he told me.

About the tent thing… we were starting to get to point where the ground get steep and rocky and cannot find a way down it that would lead to the road safely. So everyone decide to stay and wait until there are some light and after sit around for a bit, he told us that we can go sleep and he’ll keep eye out for anything. I did help him set the tent up though and it was a nightmare in dark because we don’t want to use any light out of fear someone might see us from distance and we have no idea how far we were from anything.

He wants to stay up and make sure no one is coming after us and so he can wake us once there’s enough light. But I agree this was stupid! We’d have heard someone coming and it isn’t like we can even really sleep that well.

Walking around in just shirt is sheer stupidity as well. His excuse was he’s use to cold but he was shivering hard.

 

My girlfriend thinks that because of this guy’s action, I just don’t care enough about her and am looking after myself first before her. She told me I should have at least been help everyone out, especially this guy instead of clinging to her since she has two other girls with her. She says I was with her and other girls because I was too scared to try help out the group!

She keeps telling me that she doesn’t want a man who she cannot feel safe around! I am bigger than most men out there so it isn’t like anyone would want to mess with me, especially when I’m with her! This is stupid! She acts like as if I’d just run away and leave her if something bad happen! I would never do that! But I’d not do stupid things like this guy!

[Fudgie]

Honestly she sounds like she swoons over the alpha-male sort. It's not very practical. I agree with the others. Why was he walking around in a shirt? Does he WANT to get hypothermia? What an idiot.

 

Anyway, I would just leave it alone. See if she comes off of it or break up with her, it's up to you.

[Lithp]

I wouldn't give it another thought. You guys were in a dangerous situation - she shouldn't have broken up with you based on how you reacted, as everyone reacts differently and in your own way, you thought you were being there for her.

 

If you think it will help, explain your reasoning to her, but I wouldn't count on it making a difference. I can understand her feeling the way she did, but to pick on every little thing and end the relationship over it was a bit much. I would just move on and let her find a macho man and go find yourself someone who actually appreciates what you do for them.

[Ms Darcy]

My girlfriend just feels like I am not taking care of her.

 

She keeps telling me that she doesn’t want a man who she cannot feel safe around! I am bigger than most men out there so it isn’t like anyone would want to mess with me, especially when I’m with her! This is stupid! She acts like as if I’d just run away and leave her if something bad happen! I would never do that! But I’d not do stupid things like this guy!

 

I think part of her initial attraction to you is your size and I dont think that she ended things just because of this incident. It goes back to what you say - that she feels you don't take care of her. Fair or not, it speaks to a larger issue. I wish she would have communicated her needs to you more.

[carbon14]

-Was she cold even with her hoodie on? Did she say she was cold? If she said she was cold and you didn't offer her a jacket I can kinda see the problem, but if she was warm enough I'm not sure I understand her complaint.

-So if he was 10ft in front and you were 10ft behind and someone attacks the girls and your both too far away to help? I think it makes more sense to stick closer to the girls so if there is trouble, you're there already. And if this guy was clumsy enough to set off a booby trap already, I'm not sure he should be leading.

-What exactly was he going to do if someone came up? In the dark you wouldn't be able to see anyone until they were already close enough to harm you. Plus if someone was following you and saw the tent, they might just leave thinking it's just campers. However if they see that you've seen them-now you can identify them as possible drug dealers and there might be trouble. Plus if something does go down outside, shouldn't one of you be inside to protect the girls?

-I can't imagine anyone wouldn't complain on this insane camping trip!

 

I would have been more impressed with the guy who brought the wench to pull the truck out of the mud or had a cell phone and called for help! Berating a man for not being "manly" enough is extremely unfair; how would she feel if you said she wasn't "feminine" enough because she doesn't wear heels all the time or can't cook well enough?

[carbon14]

It also sounds a bit like your girlfriend is just looking for reasons to break up with you-I mean she waited 3 weeks to bring this up?! I have to wonder if you had taken the lead and played the macho-alpha male-rambo part if she wouldn't have complained that you should have focused solely on protecting her and "why were you trying to impress those other two girls so much?!" and it felt like the other guy was the only one paying attention to her as he stayed with her when you were in the front, slept in the tent with her, etc... Just a thought....

[Deciduous]

Hi Dev,

 

Having read your second post, I realise how serious the whole incident was. Sounds very traumatic. You were scared out of your mind. Your girlfriend was scared out of her mind. You are both recovering from the incident.

 

Let me say, how it seems to her. She went through a traumatic event. She felt unsafe. She looked to some-one other than herself to make her feel safe. She feels betrayed. It may not be logical. Nevertheless this is where she is at.

 

Still, I'm more concerned about your feelings. "whysoalone" is right about one thing. We are feed on a diet of superman heroics, via the popular media. None of us really know how we will respond in a crisis. At least you were honest enough to admit you felt scared to death. But I wonder if the person most guilty of comparing you to your diminitive "Napolean" counterpart, is you.

 

After all if you felt your girlfriend was talking complete and utter bollocks, I think you would have told her by now. You certainly would have told us in now uncertain terms, yet your thread reads like a man in the docks and mounting his defence brief.

 

Unconsciously, I imagine you are still highly ambivilent about your own actions. You seem to be hamstrung by the two emotions people generally when recovering from a traumatic event. Guilt and fear. Guilt that you didn't do this and you didn't do that. Fear that we aren't the person we thought we were, and that the world is unsafe as we had hoped. These thoughts go around your head without be healed.

 

I would imagine that every man's fear is to be caught in this situation...with his girlfriend to witness it...and with bl00dy Rambo in the background. You certainly ran out ofluck that night.

 

Please remember that Rambo was a lot less brave than you imagine. He was dealing with chronic stress also. His coping style is to defer his feelings onto others. He doesn't experience his own fears, because he focuses on others. It's a very helpful technique to have in a crisis. That is just him.

 

I once read that during the second world war, 96% of soldiers fired to miss the target. Of the other 4% 2% were your bonafide heroes and the other 2% were psychopaths.

 

Those are what the statistics are. At some point you really going to have to move on from this event - and you really going to have to forgive yourself. Granted it makes it 10000x harder, with your girlfriend casting her vote so strongly., but I have afeeling the more you defend your actions, the more entrenched her position becomes.

 

You excuse, she condemns. Have you thought about changing the dynamics here.

 

Put your hand on your heart, do you feel you would have acted differently if you faced the same circumstances again. Ask yourself this without judgement. If the answer is yes then be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. Stop defending yourself. Apologise. Say you wish things were different. If you stand by your actions, and feel under immense personal stress and pressure, she should have been more understanding. Then stand by that too.

 

I was caught in a traumatic event three years ago. Like most people I had mentally rehersed my heroic responses watching action movies. In reality I became incredibly subservient, meek and appeasing. I then floated out of my brain and generally believed I was experienceing it all from up above.

In other words I couldn't evven cope with being mentally present, let alone heroic. I was not the kick-a$$ girl I thought I was. This frightened and worried me for a long time. I also felt unsafe going about my daily business.

 

Eventually I had to come to terms with my own perceived failings and I forgave myself. I think the real problem here is that you have not analysed how you feel about the events of that night. Under severe bombordment from her, you've been foreced to adopt a defensive strategy. Perhaps you would be better discovering what your real feelings are at this stage. At least it would precipitate a honesty conversation with yur girlfriend.

 

Aren't you?

 

 

Deci

[pl3asehelp]

She sounds like a tough cookie, but I'll say this for her--at least she's honest.

 

You got out-alpha'd and your girlfriend took notice. I'd let this one go and use this as an example of what women respond to.

 

You didn't get out alpha'd - your gf sounds like awful. First of all she should bring appropriate clothes on a camping trip or she can freeze - that's not your responsibility. Why don't you bash on her for not being more 'feminine' and planning ahead to bring the right clothes. And yeah, this guy created a dramatic situation to let himself look like a hero. There was nothing to be scared about - if someone approached you about the alarm, you just say sorry, end of story. Nobody, even if it was a meth lab or giant pot farm, is going to murder 4+ people - that's just naive. You don't want this girl, for real - you learned something about her here and it's that she's bad relationship material.

[camus154]

The girlfriend does sound awful, but he was still out-alpha'd. They're not mutually exclusive.

 

Attempting to rationalize instinctual responses is like trying to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. We can all sit here and rationally bag on the girlfriend and talk about how unfair she was and how none of this makes any logical sense, but guess what--women are still going to respond to the same types of things and it still doesn't have to make a lick of sense.