Lester Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 You said, "but what do you mean by talking? About the kids, the house and etc? Or that she is gonna want to talk about us? " - Don't worry, she'll be talking. When she does she has to see visual changes in you. She has to see changes in the way you listen and sense a hidden calmness in you. If she ask you to help dismantle the marriage... say, "I need time to think about that." Be cool and secretive. That how you "talk about us." No demands or ultimatums ever again! You said, "I have read lots of stuff in here (no contact and low contact etc), and I really am not sure how to respond and act from here..." - Don't worry at all about all that contact stuff. Loving husbands love contact but we are also very confident in our own skins. Real husbands don’t mind being alone. We are not kids. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Let’s review: Each marriage is unique but the humans in marriages have similarities. I saved my unique marriage by understanding those similarities. 1. You must decide if your marriage ever had a chance. If serious incompatibility issues existed before the marriage most of what I suggest won’t help. If you think you were compatible, continue on. 2. You must decide if you want to save your marriage. No, that’s easy. Read no further. Yes, Very hard and must be done every day. You must stay focused on your goal, right up to hell’s gate. (Consummation with another man was my gate.) 3. Without preexisting issues it would be safe to say the current issues were created. 4. You can only change yourself! Trying to change her will drive her away. 5. By changing your behavior you may be able to correct current issues. 6. This changing/improving may draw you’re wife back to you long enough for you to prove you are not incorrigible. 7. She will see the changes and weigh the chances she has with you or unknown person. 8. If she does choose you it will most likely be for reasons of jealousy at first. (Powerful emotion.) 9. If she comes back it will take three to five years to correct the damage you did with your unloving ways. 10. Your marriage will be greater than it ever was. Most will envy your “luck.” PS, You or others may fail using this technique. There may be different techniques which work that I don’t know about. I make no guarantees. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Ok. 1. Yes. 2. YES! (I think that is my gate too...) 3. Sorry, I didnt understand that one. 4. Ok. Im finnished with trying to change her now... 5. 6. & 7. Ok 8. Why would she be jealous? Becouse I might get together with another woman? 9. Ok, thats long. But it doesnt matter at all! 10. That is my dream! I understand ofcourse, but I have no other idea of how to try, atleast not an idea that feel as right as this! Im pretty sure the book will be here tomorrow! I cant wait to start reading! Link to comment
Lester Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 8. Absolutely! She will think... I fixed you and now some other women is going to get you! I think not! Sick... but us humans are wired that way. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I still have the house, and I have managed to clean it up pretty good. But there is still some work that need to be done on it. And Im not sure if I want to spend my time and money on it yet. (Im not sure if I am gonna buy her out and keep it, or if we should sell it) Becouse that would basically be me working for her. I might suggest that we can finnish it together if we are gonna sell it... Or atleast that we share the costs of it. Or that I buy her out and then finnish it. I really dont know... This caught my eye, statham. Don't think about it as her reaping the benefits of your work. Even if you decide to sell, you'll reap not only the benefits of what you put in - but the personal benefit and accomplishment when you look at what you've done. And should you decide to keep it and buy her share out - you'll have put your own unique touches on it and made it feel like and reflect you, and who you are. It helps sometimes to change simple environment - everything around us can trigger thoughts and feelings - and you want yours to be of your future, not to dwell so much on the past you're trapped in it. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Lesson time… Having improved your looks and behavior to that of a dating man opens a whole new world of manipulative game playing you can use on your wife. Go out with some mutual friends of you and your wife. At least one of them must be a woman. Only pretend to drink. Find women to talk to. If you can, she should be quite a bit younger. Do it within sight of your friends. Give her a sweet, truthful complement… and watch her behavior. (I learned this from Smalley but had my doubts. I thought my wife was gone anyway so why not start practicing on other women.) Statham, you have no idea the effect that innocent little conversation will have. You have been on the receiving end of this “power” I think it may have been thirty seconds before your wife receives her first txt. Yes, This is also is part of saving your marriage. I am not telling you to cheat… just practice. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Mesemene: You might be right, but hmm... I dont know. I can picture in my mind that the thoughts I will have when im working is: Shes out having fun etc, while Im stuck here using all my money and time for the both of us... But I guess it would be better if i do it, I will also benefit from it like you say. Lester: Ok, I see what you mean. But I dont think I can pull that off. Becouse: The only mutual friends we have (that I can go out with), is our best friends (another couple). And she is allready trying to set me up with another friend of hers (I think my wife knows this, and is a bit angry at her best friend), and will not likely tell my wife about something like that. But I will see what I can do... The book didnt arrive today, hoping for tomorrow... Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 You might be right, but hmm... I dont know. I can picture in my mind that the thoughts I will have when im working is: Shes out having fun etc, while Im stuck here using all my money and time for the both of us... But I guess it would be better if i do it, I will also benefit from it like you say. Try and think of it as "she's out there frittering her time away - I'm putting my personal stamp on where I'm living to come home to what *I* want to see and be welcomed by." If things DON'T work out - and you stay here - you DON'T want those ghosts and memories waiting for you in every corner - and if they do - your personality and likes will now be a BIG part of where you live and remind both of you that you're very much an individual, with likes, wants, and needs of your own. Most of the time, the woman tends to take charge of things like the decorating, color, and furniture arrangement - with the guy being more of "whatever suits you is fine with me." And that's NOT the attitude you want right now - you want to make sure you are exercising your "rights" so to speak - and part of that is making sure even when you're not talking, your personality and strength of character are apparent. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I see what you mean. But, if I use alot of money (and time) on this now, and if I decide to keep the house, we will have to get a surveyor (I dont know if thats the right word) to make a rate on the house, than the rate will be higher, and I will spend more money on buying her out? hmm... The book came yesterday. I will start reading tonight! Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Hmm, could you get a survey done now - and you'll have it regardless of what you decide? Link to comment
Statham Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 yes! Its as simple as that! Thats crappy thinking by myself! Thank you Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 You're welcome!!! Sometimes the seemingly stickiest problems are a cascade effect - and the solution is simple enough when someone points it out we go "uhh, D'uh!" Link to comment
Statham Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Yes, hehe An update: Today she changed her status on facebook to single... Link to comment
Statham Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Has not been in here for some days now becouse I had to try to stop thinking about this for a little while... Anyway, last week I found out that basically everything she have told me the last 2 months have been lies, from where shes been to who she has been with, what she have done etc, and this is even after shes told me shes gonna tell me all the truths about this... Shes looked me in the eyes and just lied lied and lied! I feel now that I cant trust one word she says... This got me feeling very angry and sad, and I have been thinking alot about this theese last days... She is sending me texts all the time also... Saying she cares for me, hope Im okay etc... I really cant believe that after her behavior.... I have not been able to read anymore in the book either (page 70 i think), but will continue reading it tomorrow. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Good to see you again Statham! Sorry she's still putting your emotions through the wringer How are you holding up under the "emotional assault by text?" Link to comment
Statham Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 It was going pretty good (she didnt contact me much), and I kept focus on myself up unntil I found out she had been lying so much more than I thought (her friend told me last week), but that day I cracked and said lots of stuff to her (not nice things), she said she was gonna reply me a letter, which I responded: Its no need, becouse her words didnt mean anything to me no more. After that she have written that letter, shes gonna give to me today she says, and she has been sending me texts daily, saying she knows she has been mean, that she feels for me etc... And also she is sending texts about the kids, and in those she also write very nice things and also alot of hugs and such... And it really makes it difficult, becouse I think about her alot more, and lose some of my focus when she does this! And I also find it very hard not to reply in the same matter... I feel like im beeing cruel... Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Just keep reminding yourself you're not there to be her "guilt bandage" to make her feel all better about the cheating and lies. You're not being cruel - she's just having to deal with her behavior - which is only fair, since you've certainly had to deal with it! Link to comment
Lester Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Let’s review; You must stay focused… Your goal is to save your marriage/relationship/family. This not a task for the faint hearted. You must stay focused. You can only change you but in doing so you may save your marriage. Her lying is one hundred percent predicable and normal. If she was truthful… I would have no idea how to help you! Most likely you hurt her a million times over by your unloving ways. You must change and become a strong LOVING husband. Therefore… you must finish Smalley to learn what a loving husband is. Link to comment
Statham Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Mesemene: I agree an that, but I feel if I dont reply in the same matter she will think I am childish, and possibly help her "forget or maybe displace (dont know if thats a word)" what she have done, or that we had good times together... What do you thing I should do? Lester: I am over halfway in the book now, and WOW what a book! It describes allmost 100% what I have been like... Ive read that list of 122 things that offends wife today, And I have done allmost everything on it, over and over again! So your right, Ive efinetly hurt her a million times! Very tired now, so writing may be very bad. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I noticed on page 31 that Smalley recommends discussing each chapter with your wife. Never do this. Wives love to think their husbands are discovering or rediscovering hidden talents that they knew were there all along. In my opinion, the husband has much to gain by not offering up sources. I didn’t. Link to comment
Statham Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I saw that too, but I recall you said before not to tell her, so I decided not to. She delivered me a 10 page letter yesterday... Saying amongst other things, this: 1st page shes telling me the reason for the breakup: It all started 1 year ago, when she was so tired of all our problems that she really wanted to break up. She had worked hard on this for one year, but it ended with the passion and feelings was gone, and she was emotionally done with me 4-5 months ago. She worked hard and gave it many "last chances". And that she have been planning this for a some time (You were right, you said this in the beginning of the tread!), but she didnt dare to tell me. And she was hoping I was gonna screw something up so she would have a reason to break up... She said she wanted to break up to be in charge of herself for a while, and to get her life back on track. And that she never intended to meet someone else. 6 pages she used to describe and explain some of the things she had lied about, and telling me about how she came in contact with scumbag! That they were in the same situation etc... The last 3 pages was to describe what she felt for me: I was her first love; she loved me but not in that way; was gonna miss me very much; I was more than just an ex for her; she would miss my family and that they have done more for her than anyone else; that this is really nesessary for the both of us, and that she sees that I have "grown" more in theese 2 months than she ever have seen before; that she was really heartbroken; and so on.... I think scumbag may be living with her now, becouse I think he have no place to stay after he broke up with his gf... But I am not sure... Link to comment
Lester Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Don't react... stay cool. will talk tomorrow. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 It could simply be a letter of closure but the rambling about the another person implies confusion. Being served, a two word letter saying bite me or no letter at all would imply a presence of mind and direction. So, I'll stick to what I have said before... She has no idea what she's doing. Does this mean she won't continue on her current path? Of course not. She has free will and can do as she please. You too have free will and have been seeing the manifestations of your improvements: She said, " and that she sees that I have "grown" more in these 2 months than she ever have seen before;" - I always love this one... (post 54). You improving/changing is putting incredible pressure on her. She only has one feeble escape for these confusing feelings. Take credit for you're amazing change.... HA! She said, "that she was really heartbroken; and so on...." - Don't be fooled... if you weren't changing she would care less. (Jealousy always prompts "look backs".) She said, "I was her first love; she loved me but not in that way; was gonna miss me very much; I was more than just an ex for her; she would miss my family and that they have done more for her than anyone else; " - This is the beginning for her. It could simply be closure. (In a way good.) Or, she's starting to come out of "fun and game" town and see the desert she is truly in. She said, "that this is really necessary for the both of us, ," - It may be direction, track dusting or more confusion. Either way her spitting out desperate, silly lines she learned from the mass media and other unbelievers is a sign to me your your changes are having an a effect. Keep changing and improving. Don't spy on her or ask anything about her life. If she wants to talk about the letter be open to it. Do not focus on the the contents of the letter instead search for the meaning of why she sat to write it. (She's your wife... only you can discover this.) Listen and keep saying "I understand" and then shut up. Do not help your wife into desolation. Don't assume you know her heart or actions. Statham... You don't know the reason for all of this yet. You may end up like me... a mean demanding bastard who changed into a mush pie who stays up nights trying to help others. (If you told me four years ago I would be on this forum I would laughed in your face. The mighty shall be humbled.) PS, Don't waste today... buy a new shirt. Link to comment
Statham Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 "- This is the beginning for her. It could simply be closure. (In a way good.)" In what way? "Do not help your wife into desolation. Don't assume you know her heart or actions. " Im not completely sure I understand what you mean, can you explain? She sent me a text right now: Im sorry for calling so much, but the kids was a bit sad and I think they need to feel that the both of us are close to them. That they can reach they father if they want to and so on. Hope its okey for you? They got happier after hearing your voice Maybe you should call every night? And maybe we should do something together with the kids one day when you are ready for it? For the kids sake? I havent answered yet, and she sent another text: Are you okay? Link to comment
Lester Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 can't talk much at night... you can answer all your questions... Think what would a loving husband do who has not moved on? ps, remember to listen. Link to comment
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