Lester Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 One day when hear you're kids call some person Dad you will look back on your debt free plan and puke. I don't know how your courts are but here in the US the husband/man loses more that half. Your best hope of sound financial future is to not get separated/divorced. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Yes, you are right. But I dont feel im doing the right thing if I contribute to getting us into more dept now. And I have really no choice other than to use my money on paying the morgage... As she have not been thinking about theese things at all. But I see clearly that what she is doing now is shooting herself/us down a path of "financial-ruin". And for me to "join in on that" feels wrong... I dont really know what that is like here, but I know women have the best rights. Atleast when it comes to having the children. That is ofcourse what I want. And I totally agree. Ive come to page 70 in the book now, takes some time since im not used to reading in english... Link to comment
Statham Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 Im finnished with the book now... It was a good book! Still waiting for the other one... Link to comment
Lester Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Revisit it often until you are fully versed on human sexuality I was over in “Infidelity” and one of the members misunderstood the meaning of his wife changing and improving. Many times a troubled/immature spouse will think this. To them it’s just another parlor trick their spouse is using to hold them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Many times the stronger more mature member of the marriage forsakes himself or herself for the marriage’s sake. They toil to a fault with the hope of building a future for their kids and marriage. Many times, even though attractive, trustworthy and loving you can easily pass them off as frumpy in the local grocery store. As time passes, the immature/troubled partner begins to view them with childlike contempt. When the victim finally ends his/her compromising the game changes. (Barring incompatibility from the onset.) Therefore the first step in saving a marriage is to change and improve. Doing so allows you to see the person you are married to and whether you want to be married to them. Regaining your identity is the first step to saving your marriage or shedding the immature/troubled spouse. PS, After the divorce many times the immature/troubled spouse will even take credit for the amazing person “they” turned you into! Ha! Link to comment
Statham Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Hmm... Tonight she and kids was over for dinner, after dinner she said she just didnt want us to continue anymore... That she never wanted this and she had only done it becouse she didnt wanted to be the bad person... I said if that where her choice, thats her choice. Then she left.... I guess we had it coming, moving apart did nothing good... I even felt my feelings was fading away a bit... Hmm... Im uncertain of the future now, she have moved far out of the city, and now her car have broke down, and she has NO money, and NONE to help her.... My guess is that she will get together with the other guy... That is definetly gonna hurt... I only hope she doesnt ruin every chance of us getting back together... But one thing is atleast different even though I am hurt like hell! I didnt panic now, like I did before... Link to comment
Lester Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 You didn't panic... Great! You have no idea how much this affects her. She said, "after dinner she said she just didnt want us to continue anymore..." - Ignore her canned statement. Look for the meaning behind her words. You said, "I said if that where her choice, thats her choice" Instead say, "I think I understand. Have a nice night Honey/name." Her "name", depending on the conversation. - This is not a weak answer or an ultimatum. Strong loving husbands are not weak or controlling. You said, “I guess we had it coming, moving apart did nothing good... “ - It’s good you recognize this but it’s in the past so forget about it. You said, “I even felt my feelings was fading away a bit...” - Normal. You said, “My guess is that she will get together with the other guy...” - You don’t know that… She’s your wife and you’re going to keep it that way. If you fail…Okay, she lost a great guy. Don’t let your mind distort the truth. (Go over to the Niceman99 thread and read LostandHurt’s #30 post.) You said, “That is definetly gonna hurt... I only hope she doesnt ruin every chance of us getting back together...” - Again, don’t do that to yourself… Will she test you? Of course she will! Loving husbands can pass the test. You said, “But one thing is atleast different even though I am hurt like hell!” - Normal. Don’t let it show. You said, “I didnt panic now, like I did before... “ - Good boy. You passed a test! Link to comment
Lester Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Interlude… From time to time my advice is critiqued by posters as nothing more than game playing. They are mostly women and seem too bristle at the thought that love and relationships are playable. Interestingly, they see no game play in the trillions of stories, movies and books depicting a clever, (always handsome), suitor, negotiating against all odds, an endless maze to find/win his heaven sent ordained love. They call that natural and destiny! I call it hard work. I don’t think there is anything wrong with enjoying a good game of love with your wife. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 My heart started to beat insanely fast, and i couldnt sleep. So I had to go in here and re-read all of this a few times... It really helped! Thanks. I feel I did better this time, but I guess I have to see for the next days. If I still are keeping my "cool", I really think I will... But we are supposed to sit down and talk about who gets what "stuff" one of the next days. Its gonna be a big "test" I think... What I think about now is how to do this communication wise... Do I contact her at all? (besides when its about the children ofcourse) Do I help if she ask for it? Sorry if this has been answered before, but I am so incredibely tired now. Will re-read everything tomorrow. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Do I contact her at all? (besides when its about the children ofcourse) Depends. Is there anything she has of yours you can't live without, not including the children of course? Do I help if she ask for it? I would say no, not unless you want to start down the path of being her crutch. She's made a choice, she should have to deal with it - including the ramifications of either depending on others to help her that aren't you. You can always volunteer to keep the kids to make it easier - but that's as far as I'd go, personally. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Can't talk much more tonight. Get prescription sleeping pills. Divide each pill in half and only take once every third day. IE(Monday yes, Tuesday no, Wednesday no, Thursday yes) Allow your body to suffer before taking again. You will wake even on the night you take the pill. Don't get out of bed or turn on the TV. Keep the room dark. You will suffer some nights… when you do pray thank you prayers. (Yep, you’re a lucky duck! Your ego is screaming “no I’m not”. Oh yeah? You two great kids! You have food! Regress… Stop eating for a day or two like a billion people tonight. God has blessed you but you/we still doubt him.) Did you get Smalley's book yet? PS, You don’t have to help her leave you. You just need to keep improving. Be nice to her when she calls. You need a place for the kids. Two places without enough furniture does not make sense to me. PS2 When she talks to you… listen and pay attention. Have you been doing this? Has she been offering correction? Are you trying to prove her wrong at all? PS3, Statham, there are no guarantees in life or marriage. You just do the best you can. PS4, Tell me the changes you have made to yourself. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 She has nothing I cant live without, allthough I feel sometimes I cant live without her! Yes that I will do, and I even have to get some valium or something also, for when the worst panic strikes (Like today, I started to panic at work and couldnt continue, so I had to go home). The book has not arrived yet... I still have the house, and I have managed to clean it up pretty good. But there is still some work that need to be done on it. And Im not sure if I want to spend my time and money on it yet. (Im not sure if I am gonna buy her out and keep it, or if we should sell it) Becouse that would basically be me working for her. I might suggest that we can finnish it together if we are gonna sell it... Or atleast that we share the costs of it. Or that I buy her out and then finnish it. I really dont know... Yes I have been doing that, she has not offered any correction (But before all this started she did). Cant say I try to prove her wrong either, atleast thats at a minimum. I have quit playing videogames and watching tv (which I did alot before). I am doing alot around the house. I am spending more time with the kids (when I have them with me). I have started training again. I dont eat only junk-food. I have lost the weight that was my big goal before this summer, that I failed. I have stopped nagging, complaining, and picking fights with her all the time (before I was just pure negative towards her, but now I am positive). Getting back in contact with old friends. But the biggest change is this: I am starting to get my self-esteem and starting to "get back to myself again". Before I was never outside the house except for work, I didnt dare to go outside, even to just shop for grocerys, didnt even dare to make phonecalls to anyone I didnt know (from calling the bank to ordering pizza), couldnt even see people in the eyes. To be honest, I dont think I even could write at this forum before. basically, over the last years I have become a really tragic and pathetic person. But I feel this is changing now, I am outside each day now, talking to people (and enjoying it), making all the phonecalls that has to be made without any problems, and work is alot easier (unntil today, when all I could think about was we breaking up, and I had to go home for the day). But I find it very sad that this had to be my trigger to get out of it... And sometimes (like now) I feel that I am just to late, and that my hope is fading is a big demotivator. Becouse I really just want a life with my family... But I realize that the only option is to hang on (even if it goes that way or the other. But its hard!) Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Be very careful with addictive drugs. You are beginning to feel the full blunt of your pending divorce with all of it’s previously un-thought of ramifications. This is normal and you will suffer. Drugs, just like the wayward wife’s “friend”, shield us only temporally from the pain but can have horrible lifelong consequences. (She will feel these effects later, once you change.) But there is something else… You have been given you a chance to prove your honor, courage and ability to stand up for the “good” in life. Don’t miss this chance! PS, True courage is not like anything you could ever see on TV. PS2, Dobson teaches the power of sex, maturity and letting go. Smalley teaches how to love a wife. You really need to get this book. Back later. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Yes, espessially becouse I have been addicted before, but I really think I need it to get over the worst peaks. But I will see how it goes theese next days before I go and see the doctor. Now I feel perfecly calm about the breakup, but tomorrow I might be completely crushed. I dont understand it... Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 I have written something I want so send to her. But im not sure, if it destructive towards my chances i will not send it... Im not finnished with it, but if there is some changes that should be made, please tell. Ive used google translator, but I think it is pretty close to the original: Hi …. Sending you an email/letter because I wanted to say goodbye properly. I would actually say it face to face, but I have a feeling that you do not want that. So a letter/mail will have to do. I just want to say that I think we have had "a hell of a ride" with big ups and downs, big problems and big pleasures, mine, yours and ours. I have had many great moments with you, the very greatest in my life I actually had with you. We have been through a lot together, so it is of course tough when our chapter is now over. And it's a shame it did not worked out in the end. But it is the way it is and there is nothing to do about it, and realizing it first as last is the best. We both need to move on, that's why I say I cant be your friend, and can only have minimal contact with you. I do it because it is the best for both of us, so we both can move on. I hope you understand that it is not because of "hard feelings", because it really is not. I wish you only the best in life. And who knows, maybe we can be friends later in life when we both are completely finished with all this. The future is uncertain and impossible to predict. But I know that we both, and our two wonderful children will have a great life no matter what happens. I hope you can forgive me for everything negative that has been in the past. And I hope you can remember all the good we have had together, and that you do not remember me with hatred in memory. You should at least know that I do not hold grudges over anything, neither 10 years ago or today, done is done, what happened has happened, and that's it. Negative or positive, it is still part of our story, and I'm glad we had what we had. I do not want you to go out of this with guilt. It's not what I want you to remember us by. You know better than that too. I'm sure you will make the right decisions in life, for yourself and our children. So, go out and live the rest of your life and live it well. That is what I will do! It goes without saying that I will never forget what we had, and that I will always remember you as something special. Thanks for all the good times we had together and wish you straight from the heart, good luck! Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 What is it you are hoping to accomplish with this letter? Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 hmm... kinda say goodbye I guess. I really dont know now that you ask... Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 I guess I didnt want my last words to her would be the ones I spoke last time... Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You said, “Yes I have been doing that, she has not offered any correction (But before all this started she did).” The meaning behind a compatible wife being unable/or unwilling to offer correction to a humbled loving husband who is trying to change can be varied. Assuming the union was the result of traps and lack of free will; 1. Reasons other than genuine love and respect will not bind marriage or relationship. Assuming the union was trap free and of free will; 1. You’re too late… she’s just gone. Doubtful. 2. She's spinning out of control which is most likely the result of suppressed anger towards you for years of disrespect, controlling, bullying, lack of genuine love and understanding. 2a. Suppressed anger stemming from fear whether real or imagined and/or immaturity stemming from her failure to take ownership of the problem. These dangerous conditions can create low self-esteem. This condition cannot be bottled up forever and must be let out. Enter the “understanding man.” This creature becomes a fake confidante to her. He pretends to listen just as a concerned sister would listen. He shows attention and concern for her which she hasn’t experienced from you in years. Add to this the current legitimization of her behavior by empowerment from the mass media and you get ballooning marriage failures that are increasingly caused by the wife’s waywardness. Highly plausible! So you have two men competing for one confused women. On one side you with history, kids and willingness to change. On the other side a person of questionable morals who listens, remembers what she says and talks to her nice. Statham… can you listen, remember and talk to her nice? 3. She is fantasying about the life of endless happiness and fun, (which you cheated her out of), as promised by the mass media’s green grass machine. Doubtful. 4. Aside from anger and empowerment she may have a mental issue. Again, doubtful. You said, “Cant say I try to prove her wrong either, atleast thats at a minimum.” - You build a brick wall between you and her over the years with each unloving comment, rejected advice and harsh words. The wall is very high! You can’t afford to put even one more brick on it. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 hmm... kinda say goodbye I guess. I really dont know now that you ask... If you don't want it to end don't send the letter. There is certain sweetness to it but it comes off as more manipulative grieving... weakness. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I guess I didnt want my last words to her would be the ones I spoke last time... Don't worry... they won't be. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Okey. But what do you mean by "the union"? Yes i can do that! But how, now that shes gone? Later if the opportunity comes you mean? Ok, I will not send it then, but do you think I should send some other, similar message? On friday my kids is coming to be with me for one week! I cant wait! I miss them so much! Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Union is just another way of saying, (common), marriage or LTR. You said, "Yes i can do that! But how, now that shes gone? Later if the opportunity comes you mean?" - I'm not sure what you are referring to. (How many hours are behind USA?) You said, "Ok, I will not send it then, but do you think I should send some other, similar message?" - I myself wrote out a letter and to this day am so glad i did not give it to her. There are too many reasons to even explain why. Kid are great! Link to comment
Statham Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Okey. I dont know the difference between am/pm as we dont use it here, but here now the time is 00:10 (12:10) Midnight, and bedtime for me... You: Statham… can you listen, remember and talk to her nice? Me: Yes i can do that! But how, now that shes gone? Later if the opportunity comes you mean? Ok, I will trust you on that. I have written more than 10 letters since this started, havent showed her any of them. And glad I didnt the next days. (The worst one had some suicide treaths in it) Link to comment
Lester Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 So you’re about six hours ahead of me? I could tell... you sounded sleepy. You must be a man used to control and therefore just keep going. Do the best you can each day and go to bed. She’s not gone. You will be talking to her very soon. Be prepared. Always say to yourself… what would a loving husband say? (Too bad you don’t have Smalley. He could really help you with this.) Stop writing letters... it's mostly a waste of time. Don't keep a journal. If you are the "journal type"… no one can see it and you must destroy it when done. (You can't make someone love you with proof or help from the outside.) It will harm you’re kids. Thoughts of suicide are perfectly normal... you now belong to a huge group of confused, hurt men. Get help if you feel you are going to act it out. PS, Don’t think your wife is made of steel. She is most likely having a harder time than you think. PS2 Destroy all of those letters asap. Link to comment
Statham Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Yes I think so... Ive had really big sleeping problems for many years now (since I stopped with drugs). But since this started a month ago I have actually slept well... Must be that my head is working so hard during the day, or that I actually does things besides tv/games... I dont know... Ok, but what do you mean by talking? About the kids, the house and etc? Or that she is gonna want to talk about us? I have read lots of stuff in here (no contact and low contact etc), and I really am not sure how to respond and act from here... I guess I need the book like you say. I will send an mail later, to try and speed up the prosess... Ok, Ive deleted everything now... Ok, that is good to hear! Those thoughts are gone now, I really dont have the heart to leave my kids either... Link to comment
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