Pornography?

[kmc91]

Hi there, new here, and I have a bit of a problem.

My boyfriend and I have just recently moved in together, and got internet set up just a week ago.

Since then, I have noticed that he has a "morning routine". It started on Monday after he left for work I noticed paper towels with cum in them in the office trash can right next to the computer. When I told him about it, he just simply said he didn't want to wake me up, so I just shrugged it off.

But for the past few days now, he still has been going off to the computer room right after he wakes up (and stays in there so long it makes him late for work). Since Monday I have been making a point to wake up when he does, so I can satisfy him and myself (we haven't had sex in over a week so I've been wanting it too). But he still just goes off to the computer.

Last night it was brought up, because he had accidentally went through the history on the computer and saw that I was searching for this same problem, and said that it just gives him a different type of orgasm, which I don't full understand, and told me not to worry. But here I am worrying, and I want to know if I'm not alone in this problem.

I'm starting to dread mornings, because I know he's just going to dismiss me and fantasize about someone else while I'm just feet away, wishing it were me that he wanted.

I'm a bit nervous to bring it up again, but if I don't, it's going to eat me up inside. He said he doesn't want to be with an insecure girl. I'm not sure if I'm just being insecure, or these feelings are legitimate.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like he needs to "get off" in the mornings. A lot of people enjoy that sort of activity in the mornings when they just wake up.

 

So what exactly happens when you get up and try to satisfy him? Does he just deny you?

 

I'd be a little bit hurt too. I have no problem with porn whatsoever, and even the guy using it just to get a quick jerk-off, but if it's been a long time since sex and you both want it and he's turning you down for porn, there's a problem here.

[jenny_mcs]

I think that a guy who:

 

1) Regularly passes up sex with his gf in favor of jerking off to porn

 

and

 

2) is late to work because he was jerking off to porn

 

has some pretty serious issues with porn.

[sidehop]

How is the relationship overall aside from this porn issue? Do you think there's a bit of problem with intimacy, things are becoming just too comfortable with each other or you two haven't spent a lot of time together? One good thing is he's being very honest and not hiding it from you.

[happyfrank]

Share the experience with him. You can both watch porn and make love together in the morning. Bring TV with DVD player in the room. Good luck.

[camus154]

I think that a guy who:

 

1) Regularly passes up sex with his gf in favor of jerking off to porn

 

and

 

2) is late to work because he was jerking off to porn

 

has some pretty serious issues with porn.

 

QFT.

 

My own views about porn have changed substantially within the last few years. I used to believe it wasn't a big deal, but if you're releasing "the valve" through other means, you're not going to have as much steam when it comes time for real sexual interaction. You only have so much sexual energy, after all.

[BellaDonna]

I think that a guy who:

 

1) Regularly passes up sex with his gf in favor of jerking off to porn

 

and

 

2) is late to work because he was jerking off to porn

 

has some pretty serious issues with porn.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

we haven't had sex in over a week so I've been wanting it too). But he still just goes off to the computer.

 

I would not be fan of that. I'd be inclined to tell him that the new living arrangment isn't working out and to move out. It sounds like he prefers his paper towels and if that is the case he could live happily with them and be the only one having to empty the office trash and you would not have to live with the blatant prioritizing of porn right under your nose.

[BellaDonna]

I'm not sure if I'm just being insecure, or these feelings are legitimate.

 

Insecurity would be if you 2 had a healthy sex life yet you were still self-conscious and comparing yourself to the porn "actors" and feeling inadequate. It seems you have a legitmate concern if he is distancing himself from you, stopping sexual intimacy, but using a paper towel instead. That shows he has a sex drive but he chooses each day, not to share that with you. Sounds like a porn addict isolating himself.

[HappyHealing]

Two articles worth reading:

 

A recent feature article on Porn and how it is affecting people in relationships by NewYork Magazine. Following link or google "He’s not that into anyone – the vanishing male libido"

 

link removed

 

Goodman project article also shares a very interesting insight here... You can follow the link or google "How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life--and your marriage"

 

link removed

 

 

Maybe after reading these, you can form your own opinion, do some more research and perhaps share these articles with him after discussing it with him.

[lukeb]

Very well written articles, some definite food for thought.

[Deciduous]

I think that a guy who:

 

1) Regularly passes up sex with his gf in favor of jerking off to porn

 

and

 

2) is late to work because he was jerking off to porn

 

has some pretty serious issues with porn.

 

Hi KMC,

 

Jjenny_mcs is dead right, with this one. Any "hobby" that infringes on work and the quality of personal relationships, is no longer a hobby.

 

He's stopped the real relationship to devote time to the fantasy one. It's no longer in his spare moments, but in the time that is ear-marked for work and his relationshipwith you. This isn't casual fun. That is a concrete need.

 

Do not be fobbed off with "Awwh! Honey, why ya making a big deal out of it." It is a big deal. You are not being insecure. And it is threatening your relationship. If he can take it or leave it then ask him to not log on for 14 days. Can he do that?

 

Tell him you no longer happy in the relationship. Impress upon him the seriousness of this problem within your relationship. Make it clear that it has now become a deal-breaker. No ifs, no buts.

 

He needs to decide what comes first. His relationship with you or his relationship with porn. Tell him words won't cut it. You will no longer put up with coming second. He needs to demonstrate his commitment to the relationship through his actions.

 

And that is to skip porn for 14 days in the first instance.

 

Deci

[lukeb]

If you are committed to this relationship,and believe in it, you can't turn every issue into an ultimatum, I just think this is very poor advice. I think the approach offered by Happyhealing to have a much higher chance of success. Educate yourself, and educate him, have him read the articles, make him realize what is actually going on and what he is doing to himself and to the relationship.

[Day_Walker]

I think that his morning ritual is something that he just does and you are not going to get anywhere trying to get him to stop that. What you can address is that you want more sex. Of course that would be based on if you felt you currently werent getting enough. However, being insecure about him masturbating to porn, that is clearly your insecurity.

[BellaDonna]

I'm starting to dread mornings, because I know he's just going to dismiss me and fantasize about someone else while I'm just feet away

 

You deserve better. Dump him and buy him a 12 pack of Bounty as a parting gift.

[lukeb]

Interesting how there seems to be a general difference of opinion between men and women on this. There are a few exceptions, but I do see a pattern emerge:

 

Women - dump him, or give him an ultimatum

men - try to understand and/or resolve the problem or there may not even be a problem.

[kmc91]

I'm certainly not going to dump him. I do love him and care about him. I am just concerned for the most part, and little hurt and starved for affection and intimacy. I don't want this to become a bigger issue in the future, but I'm still on the fence about whether I should bring it up today, or wait a little while longer.

[Deciduous]

I think that his morning ritual is something that he just does and you are not going to get anywhere trying to get him to stop that.

 

 

Yet this ritual has him actively dodging sex with his partner and running late for work. If I had a morning ritual of brusing my hair 500 times, which impacted on my work and had me avoiding sex with my boyfriend to do it, wouldn't this be more of compulsion.

 

That is what I think we have here. A compulsion. Healthy rituals can some-times be skipped, compulsions can't.

 

I think we are getting hung up on the fact tht it is porn. There is no problem with enjoying porn. I would give the same advice for any issue that impacted this severely on a relationship.

 

You may well be right lukeb, that the first step is education. However the OP's boyfriend had the opportunity to educate himself when he found the OP's internet history on the computer. He reacted poorly to the idea.

 

By all means try again, but bear in mind that he has stated he doesn't believe this to be a problem. It is his girlfriend who is at fault, due to her personal insecurities. That is his position on the matter. Period.

 

And as long as he remains assured that the relationship can and will continue within it's current parameters, he will not effect change. He doesn't need to. At this point, it's just harmless nagging from the OP. No changes need to be made.

 

The next move is the OP's.

 

She needs to decide whether this is a deal breaker. If the answer is no, then quit nagging, move on, ignore it and live with it. There are no wrong or right answers to this scenario. This is entirely about where you personally stand on this issue. If it is a serious problem then your parameters and boundaries need to be stated, as I said above.

 

 

Deci

[zelder]

I'm a man and I agree with the women on this issue. The boyfriend has a problem and he needs to be humble enough to admit it. If the woman in a relationship can handle it, all of a man's sexual energy should be given to the woman. All his sexual energy should be focused on paying attention to her. If she does not always seem interested, the best thing would be for him to get creative about wooing her and making her weak in the knees. If nothing works then a little solo release would be fine but porn is a problem because it becomes a man's sex life, that's not healthy for relationships. It's generally best if porn were avoided.

[Stay_home]

I'm certainly not going to dump him. I do love him and care about him. I am just concerned for the most part, and little hurt and starved for affection and intimacy. I don't want this to become a bigger issue in the future, but I'm still on the fence about whether I should bring it up today, or wait a little while longer.

 

Follow this,

 

And show him the articles and try to explain to him how this makes you feel. It does need to be addressed, that's for sure.

[hrtlsngl7]

Hi kmc91....It's called "sex addiction" ala Tiger Woods, David Duchovny, and Anthony Weiner and he's in the very early stages of it. Put a porn webfilter on the computer. K9 Webguard is a great free one link removed an password it yourself. Make him attend sex addicts anonymous meetings, guilt trip him into it if you have to. Here's the website for it link removed. You can find a meeting nearby you through this site. All this I stated IS Draconian, but if you love him, and don't want to lose him DO IT.

[hrtlsngl7]

Also, don't hesitate to wake up b4 him and ambush him w/ surprise sex ;D . Men NEVER turn down sex, however women NEVER initiate.

[Edmund Exley]

Also, don't hesitate to wake up b4 him and ambush him w/ surprise sex ;D . Men NEVER turn down sex, however women NEVER initiate.

 

Why should she go to all these efforts to accommodate him, when he has made it pretty clear he chooses porn over her each morning?

 

OP, I agree with Bella, I would end it. He says he chooses not to be with an "insecure" GF, this is his way of pushing the blame on to you to accept his behaviour or accept the consequence. I would tell him "I choose not to be with a porn addict" and push the blame and consequences back to him.

[greywolf]

I think that if you decide to work things out with him, you should talk to him about how you are not getting your sexual needs met instead of confronting him about the porn.

[Tarnation Joe]

Internet porn / masturbation is perhaps way too easy, but it is easy. It's quick. The alternative is to go to you every time he'd like an orgasm, and sometimes that's too much trouble. Not bad trouble, just a bit more complicated than his urges require. He can be done and off to work. All that means is that a habit of a morning tug does not have to be a problem.

 

It is a problem if its a substitute for sex with you at regular times, and it may be evidence of a problem in him with intimacy. Porn is a stronger substitute the more trouble he has engaging or relating with you sexually.

 

I don't think it's wrong to make a deal here. Remind him of your needs and encourage him to make the little bit of extra effort it takes to have sex with you rather than turn to porn whenever he can. It often comes down to him just being lazy. Don't take it personally. Find out if there is a deeper problem.

 

If he's got a real problem, and maybe just to understand him better, here's an article written in a rather humorous way

 

link removed

 

And what might give you some insight is the discussion forum related to it.

 

link removed

[WhenWillILove]

I think that a guy who:

 

1) Regularly passes up sex with his gf in favor of jerking off to porn

 

and

 

2) is late to work because he was jerking off to porn

 

has some pretty serious issues with porn.

 

AGREED! Funny, too