Destiny2112 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I mean why is it that many of us try to fight our situations instead of stopping to resist and accept that it is how it is?! ... I mean, I for one, actually have known (with my head, my heart followed later ;-) ) for a loong time that it's completely over with my ex, that he has already easily and happily moved on to someone new, that there is no more chance for us and actually, in the hindsight that the break up was inevitable due to the circumstances in our lives... I KNOW all that... yet there has always been a tiny little spark of hope in the back of my head that I just couldn't totally erase.... But why is it, that despite knowing all this, I still find it hard, to just go with the flow...to truly, 100% accept the situation as it is... that it's totally out of my hands to change his decision, to change the facts, that he is gone and won't come back... and I know, resisting the facts, the reality, only keeps me from moving forward... I know, it can only get better each and every day and I know there is someone somewhere out there waiting for me, who is going to make me just as happy or probably even happier than my ex made me and who won't cause me such pain, by leaving me for someone else... I know, one day I'll love again... I know all that, but I still have days where I really miss my ex, wishing, he would be by my side, wondering why all that had to happen to us... Why can't I just stop loving him?! I ach, I'm just having bad days lately.... Like I posted in another thread, I really like this quote and I wished, I could live that way...I'm working on it: "Life is a series of changes. That's all it is. Resistance to change causes pain. Stop resisting. Once you truly understand and embrace this truth, you not only start to look forward to more changes, you realize even those which feel as if they may be the end of you are for your ultimate happiness. Usually we only see this in hindsight. One day you are going to thank him for this. I promise." A Fellow Buddhist Can anyone relate to the way I feel?? Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I've posted before about using the image of a cowboy riding off into the sunset, never to be seen or heard from again. The "my job is done" mentality. It might take a while for you to fully accept the BU, but it will happen. One day you'll be somewhere and something will remind you of him, and you just won't care. But yes, I can relate, though I had the added joy of feeling ashamed about my emotions. I didn't feel like a man for a good while following the break-up. So, those feelings of weakness and helplessness coupled with feeling ashamed about feeling weak made for one helluva emotional trip for the first few months after the BU. In reality though, probably one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 No one wants to feel that they just gave up and they are a failure... I've been guilty of hanging on to long too! As a very good friend said to me "you'll get over this when you are ready to get over this"... we each have our own way of finding acceptance. HUGS! Link to comment
Smile12 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Oh yes, I can relate to it exactly. I was in your exact situation, after me and my ex broke up. I was with my ex for about 2 years and he left me for another girl. I just couldn't let go. I kept holding onto hope that he would come back and that we would end up back together. Even though in my heart, I knew this wasn't going to happen. I just couldn't accept the fact that he was gone forever - that "we" were gone. However, I ended up meeting my current boyfriend awhile later, and wow - I am happier now than I ever thought I could be. The current boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months now and I am completely in love with him. I am truly happier than I ever even imagined. Keep your head up, Destiny - it'll be okay! Link to comment
vel2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 You can;t let go because, most likely, you are still in love with them. I'm 6 weeks in to my gf of 2.5 years ending it. Told me she loves me, hardest decision ever etc etc but it doesn;t feel right anymore because she doesn;t think I'm the 'one'. I want to move on, I want to stop thinking about her, but I can't let go of that hope yet. I have never seen a girl I fancy more anywhere ever, and I am madly in love with her personality. I haven't yet been able to get near believing I will ever find someone as good. I guess one day it will click and I will have moved on, but it takes time. Unfortuantely you can't force it - it just has to happen naturally. Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 You can;t let go because, most likely, you are still in love with them. I'm 6 weeks in to my gf of 2.5 years ending it. Told me she loves me, hardest decision ever etc etc but it doesn;t feel right anymore because she doesn;t think I'm the 'one'. I want to move on, I want to stop thinking about her, but I can't let go of that hope yet. I have never seen a girl I fancy more anywhere ever, and I am madly in love with her personality. I haven't yet been able to get near believing I will ever find someone as good. I guess one day it will click and I will have moved on, but it takes time. Unfortuantely you can't force it - it just has to happen naturally. Isn't it funny how nearly all of the people on here think they've lost someone irreplaceable? True, every human is unique, but the idea that your ex was as close to perfect as you can ever hope to find is absurd. Most of the people on here find that their new partners bring far more to the table than their exes Link to comment
anya1607307555 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 "Life is a series of changes. That's all it is. Resistance to change causes pain. Stop resisting. Once you truly understand and embrace this truth, you not only start to look forward to more changes, you realize even those which feel as if they may be the end of you are for your ultimate happiness. Usually we only see this in hindsight. One day you are going to thank him for this. I promise." A Fellow Buddhist That's a great quote. I think it's a case of better the devil you know. It's scary to 'give in to the unknown. I imagine the process goes something like, your head acknowledges it...you accept it.....you summon the courage to change it. Link to comment
Laylan Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 For those of you who are in the beginning stage of the break up it really is hard. I am 5 months into my brake up. It gets easier, i promise it does. I use to think that live was over and that i'd never be ok. I'm not saying i'm 100% ok, but i am soooooo much better. I myself have found that the harder i tried forcing myself to forget and give up hope the harder it got and the more i got upset with myself. I started to just let it be, let the hope be there, let the prayers be there, wishful thinking and all. Time makes all that go away, you start to lose that and gain other feelings of hope in life. I'm not with anyone, i'm not trying to force myself to be, i'm just living, one day at a time. There are days that are harder than others but i have so many more good days than bad. I have found that instead of trying to force it all out of your mind because you know you should let go its been easier to just live with it and go through the feelings as they come. I've become stronger that way. The one thing that i have done for myself by force is to avoid anything that reminds me of him and by that i mean anything physical like gifts he game me, or places we wen't to or his Facebook profile (even though we aren't friends). Before i'd look his name up just to see if hes changed his profile picture and everytime i saw a new one i'd freakout in my head, we'll i've stopped that and i'm so much better now. I wish you all the best of luck and keep your heads up, keep your faith and just know that you will be ok, i promise!! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Perhaps, it is because you're afraid to trust. As long as you continue to hold on to the memory of your ex, you're unable to let anyone else in. Time to move on with your life! Link to comment
symbiot Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I think we hold onto hope because we know the other person has let go already and if we let go it is truly over and that is very hard to accept in an emotional and weakened state. I am 7 mos and I am not healed yet but I'm getting there. Link to comment
dissapointed75 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Sadly I am still in a bad place a year on. I worked very hard up until just after Christmas 2010. Sadly a chance meeting with her in a supermarket in February sent me into a deep depression which sadly I'm still fighting. I'd had a great day before meeting her, and she seemed so distant. Seeing her walk away to what used to be our home, a walk we made hundreds of times together hurt me deeply. I can't let go because I still love her and knew we could have fixed things. I now must let go for my own health. Best wishes Link to comment
Fadedlife Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I totally relate to every word you saying here. I know for me there is no way my situation could ever be corrected, far to much water passed under that bridge. Still though, there is a spark still within that says all you are asking, why did that have to happen to us?!?!!? etc I guess it tells us that we are the true lovers not hurters. Even having a child i except my ex is in a new place and has a new life now and has been for many years and i also except within myself that ill always have aplace in my heart for the women that gave me my child even if she couldnt offer me anything else after that. Sure, its a hard cookie to chew on but its part of understanding who WE truly are and i guess a good lot of us on here are good souls that want to love, not deal out pain to others. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Hi everyone, thank your for your nice words!! Last night, I was having a thought, that might help me to let go.... well, it's that no matter how much I loved (and still love) my ex, no matter how good our relationship was in my eyes, what great memories I have, no matter how much I thought, how special he was or that he was the "one" for me, it all doesn't matter in the end...since he obviously doesn't feel the same way for me, if he considered me "the one", if he truly loved me the same we I did, he wouldn't have left in the first place, he wouldn't have dissapeared, breaking up by sms (!)...he wouldn't have left for someone else, getting engaged within a few months, married to her a few months later... all his actions don't show any sign of love towards me... this is what matters, only this... "does he miss me, does he think of me still, does he regret his choice sometimes...?!" honestly, why should I care?... it doesn't change anything about the situation now... I truly need to focus on these facts and not what could or should have been with us... he made his choice, absolutely sticked to it right from the start and it's very very clear... I hope I can keep this mindset finally!!! Thanks to you all!!! xxxx Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Sadly I am still in a bad place a year on. I worked very hard up until just after Christmas 2010. Sadly a chance meeting with her in a supermarket in February sent me into a deep depression which sadly I'm still fighting. I'd had a great day before meeting her, and she seemed so distant. Seeing her walk away to what used to be our home, a walk we made hundreds of times together hurt me deeply. I can't let go because I still love her and knew we could have fixed things. I now must let go for my own health. Best wishes Don't worry disappointed, for me it's a bit more than a year already, too... I was really doing good the last few months... by this I mean, living my life, enjoying my life, being happy again, meeting new friends, etc... sure, I still think of my ex, a lot actually and I still miss him, but it's just a thought popping up in my head when certain things trigger memories and then I conitnue doing what I did and it's OK....it's far less painful compared to the first few months...back then, the pain was unbearable!! What caused your setback was the chance meeting... like in my case, stupid me, seeing his wedding photo on facebook... just stick to NC again, you have been doing better before you met her and you can get there again... just try to tell yourself, if she doesn't value you as a person, if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, doesn't love you enough to stay, but thinks, she can do better.... then she doesn't deserve your love!! I know, for all of us, someone is out there who will love us, exactly the way we deserve it, the way we love them... someone who wouldn't make us suffer, someone who wouldn't leave us, but do everything to make us stay in their lives since they see our true value... You know, I know, my ex and I could have fixed things, too and I know how hard it is to accept if you know the relationship was savable. But you have to tell yourself, like my ex, your gf DID NOT want to fix things... it was her choice to end it, they felt leaving was the right thing for them to do... and no matter how much WE want a relationship with them, it doesn't change the fact, that it takes 2 to make a relationship work... and if 1 partner decides to leave there is nothing we can do to make them change their minds... If they were truly the right ones for us, who loved us just as much as we loved them, they would have stayed!! Always remember this! It shows, they aren't they right ones for us, we only thought so!! No one, who truly loves us, would risk losing us forever by leaving us behind, they would have done anything possible to stay!! ...but our ex's didn't, they left... this is what we shall focus on!! Best wishes, stay strong!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Sadly I am still in a bad place a year on. I worked very hard up until just after Christmas 2010. Sadly a chance meeting with her in a supermarket in February sent me into a deep depression which sadly I'm still fighting. I'd had a great day before meeting her, and she seemed so distant. Seeing her walk away to what used to be our home, a walk we made hundreds of times together hurt me deeply. I can't let go because I still love her and knew we could have fixed things. I now must let go for my own health. Best wishes Don't worry disappointed, for me it's a bit more than a year already, too... I was really doing good the last few months... by this I mean, living my life, enjoying my life, being happy again, meeting new friends, etc... sure, I still think of my ex, a lot actually and I still miss him, but it's just a thought popping up in my head when certain things trigger memories and then I conitnue doing what I did and it's OK....it's far less painful compared to the first few months...back then, the pain was unbearable!! What caused your setback was the chance meeting... like in my case, stupid me, seeing his wedding photo on facebook... just stick to NC again, you have been doing better before you met her and you can get there again... just try to tell yourself, if she doesn't value you as a person, if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, doesn't love you enough to stay, but thinks, she can do better.... then she doesn't deserve your love!! I know, for all of us, someone is out there who will love us, exactly the way we deserve it, the way we love them... someone who wouldn't make us suffer, someone who wouldn't leave us, but do everything to make us stay in their lives since they see our true value... You know, I know, my ex and I could have fixed things, too and I know how hard it is to accept if you know the relationship was savable. But you have to tell yourself, like my ex, your gf DID NOT want to fix things... it was her choice to end it, they felt leaving was the right thing for them to do... and no matter how much WE want a relationship with them, it doesn't change the fact, that it takes 2 to make a relationship work... and if 1 partner decides to leave there is nothing we can do to make them change their minds... If they were truly the right ones for us, who loved us just as much as we loved them, they would have stayed!! Always remember this! It shows, they aren't they right ones for us, we only thought so!! No one, who truly loves us, would risk losing us forever by leaving us behind, they would have done anything possible to stay!! ...but our ex's didn't, they left... this is what we shall focus on!! Best wishes, stay strong!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Sadly I am still in a bad place a year on. I worked very hard up until just after Christmas 2010. Sadly a chance meeting with her in a supermarket in February sent me into a deep depression which sadly I'm still fighting. I'd had a great day before meeting her, and she seemed so distant. Seeing her walk away to what used to be our home, a walk we made hundreds of times together hurt me deeply. I can't let go because I still love her and knew we could have fixed things. I now must let go for my own health. Best wishes Don't worry disappointed, for me it's a bit more than a year already, too... I was really doing good the last few months... by this I mean, living my life, enjoying my life, being happy again, meeting new friends, etc... sure, I still think of my ex, a lot actually and I still miss him, but it's just a thought popping up in my head when certain things trigger memories and then I conitnue doing what I did and it's OK....it's far less painful compared to the first few months...back then, the pain was unbearable!! What caused your setback was the chance meeting... like in my case, stupid me, seeing his wedding photo on facebook... just stick to NC again, you have been doing better before you met her and you can get there again... just try to tell yourself, if she doesn't value you as a person, if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, doesn't love you enough to stay, but thinks, she can do better.... then she doesn't deserve your love!! I know, for all of us, someone is out there who will love us, exactly the way we deserve it, the way we love them... someone who wouldn't make us suffer, someone who wouldn't leave us, but do everything to make us stay in their lives since they see our true value... You know, I know, my ex and I could have fixed things, too and I know how hard it is to accept if you know the relationship was savable. But you have to tell yourself, like my ex, your gf DID NOT want to fix things... it was her choice to end it, they felt leaving was the right thing for them to do... and no matter how much WE want a relationship with them, it doesn't change the fact, that it takes 2 to make a relationship work... and if 1 partner decides to leave there is nothing we can do to make them change their minds... If they were truly the right ones for us, who loved us just as much as we loved them, they would have stayed!! Always remember this! It shows, they aren't they right ones for us, we only thought so!! No one, who truly loves us, would risk losing us forever by leaving us behind, they would have done anything possible to fix things!! ...but our ex's didn't want to, they preferred to leave... this is what we shall focus on!! Best wishes, stay strong!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Oups, triple post! Link to comment
dissapointed75 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Great words Destiny. Hurts to accept. Your words were so good i read them three times ;0) I'm a fit athletic good looking guy but rarely leave the house now. I just sleep. Till my mates drag me out Best wishes, sounds like you are on the ball. x Link to comment
O-shen Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I feel very simmilar. That i cant get my ex out of my head for many reasons. We were together for 8 years, and its been about 6 months since the break-up, although stupidly i got intimate again with her only 1 month ago, only to have her humm and harr and say she's not sure she wants to try again. Its all the dreams that you have with another that are hard to let go of. All the happy memories that you shared. The special little things that they did. Having someone to share life and experiences with. Someone that truly cared about you. My ex isnt with anyone ( that i know of ), but i almost wish she was. Lately i have even tried imagining that she is.Maybe that would knock the cold hard reality into me that, if she wanted to be with me, she would be. I believe we could have worked on our problems, and saved what we had to create something beautiful. But obviously she doesnt feel the same, and i know i have to accept that. It's just so hard letting go. It's stupid isn't it. These people obviously are not interested in being with us. Thier actions clearly show that. You would think you would see that it is something you simply need to accept, and move on and not waste anymore of your life wallowing in hope. That doing what your doing is simply getting you no-where and causing you much pain. But somehow, we continue hoping, wondering, asking "what if". Stupid heart....JUST DO YOUR JOB AND PUMP BLOOD DAMMIT, NOTHING ELSE. I dont want to feel like this any longer than needed. Its such a destructive feeling. I do my head in about it, at home, at work. I even do my head in about doing my head in! Telling myself..let it go let it go let it go. I would do anything to let go of her, to forget her. Link to comment
Benville Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Stupid heart....JUST DO YOUR JOB AND PUMP BLOOD DAMMIT, NOTHING ELSE. This just made me laugh out loud in the middle of my office, love it I think you answer your own question Destiny, and quite honestly maybe you're just not ready yet. I thought I was, and events happened recently that reminded me I wasn't. There's a great post on the first page of this thread, "you'll get over this when you're ready to get over this". Link to comment
Carus Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Even though it takes some of us longer than others, the beauty is that every day that goes by we are healing even though some days it doesn't feel like it* From what I've read and EXperienced myself, being replaced by someone else seems to make it an extra hurdle to get over* Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Great words Destiny. Hurts to accept. Your words were so good i read them three times ;0) I'm a fit athletic good looking guy but rarely leave the house now. I just sleep. Till my mates drag me out Best wishes, sounds like you are on the ball. x Haha, well, I wrote it three times, just to make sure you really get what I mean, haha ;-) ...I guess it's normal to have set backs now and then and to have bad days, too... one day you'll realize that the good days start outweighing the bad ones and this is when you have started healing... I sometimes get annoyed with myself for not yet being over my ex completely...ach, I just loved this guy soo much ....but I know, everybody is different and really everybody needs their own time and pace to heal...and pressuring ourselves doesn't help in any way... Just give yourself time... if you feel like crying, do so...if you feel like sleeping...do so... one day you'll have enough of it and start going out more again and start enjoying life again... you might not see that happen anytime soon... but be sure, that day will come I wish you all the best, too! Stay strong!!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Even though it takes some of us longer than others, the beauty is that every day that goes by we are healing even though some days it doesn't feel like it* From what I've read and EXperienced myself, being replaced by someone else seems to make it an extra hurdle to get over* Ever Forward Carus* 8-) I know you are right Carus... I know I'm on the right way healing and I guess, I'm one of those who need more time than others... it's just that I get imaptient with myself sometimes and wished I'd be completely healed already... I guess, the fact that he was my first love and I have never loved anybody else as much as I have loved him and I hadn't (luckily) experienced anything painful as this before, makes things even harder for me ...getting over your first love isn't easy ... plus coping with the fact of having been left for someone else... Anyways, it really helps me to know, I'm not alone feeling the way I feel.... Thanks! Link to comment
symbiot Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I personally think that being left for another is probably the hardest part of my break up. If we had just grown apart or been fighting or the normal reasons why people can't make it work I'd be ok right now, but instead I still think of her a lot everyday and dream of her too 7 mos out. When someone leaves us for another it makes us doubt our self worth because we valued their opinion sooo much. Link to comment
thelastsong Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I personally think that being left for another is probably the hardest part of my break up. If we had just grown apart or been fighting or the normal reasons why people can't make it work I'd be ok right now, but instead I still think of her a lot everyday and dream of her too 7 mos out. When someone leaves us for another it makes us doubt our self worth because we valued their opinion sooo much. At first, I wished he had left me for someone else because then I'd at least have a reason beyond "you don't make me happy" and "I don't love you anymore." But then when I found out about his ex, the pain was horrible. I guess in a way I'm glad he left me for his ex because it definitely squashed all hopes of reconciliation, but it's just so much more insulting. Link to comment
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