I screwed up and broke no contact. Please help!

[dudelikewhoa]

My heart got the best of me and I slipped up. I sent my ex an email. It wasn't entirely bad...but it wasnt good either. This is how it went :

 

from me:

 

Hey you.

 

I've been listening to the universe and it has been screaming out to me to get in touch with you. I hope you have been doing okay. I have been doing a hell of a lot of soul searching since we last spoke. I know what happened needed to happen. It was for the best but it doesn't erase the fact that I love you like no other. You are one of the best things that ever entered my life, no doubt. In the past months, I got lost. I lost myself, my direction and my secureness as a man. I let myself fall into codependency with you and that is unhealthy. It made me crazy and act out like a child. I know you have growing to do and things to experience. There is nothing I can do about the past but I know that I will never let myself fall into those jealous, insecure, untrusting, clingy traps ever again in any future relationship I ever get involved in. What I hope for is that it can be with you. I screwed up somewhere. It takes a man to realize his errors and I have manned up. You are my inspiration. You make me want to be a better man, everyday. Even though I have been focusing on bettering myself and getting my * * * * together, I am finding it SO difficult to live without you in my life. Not that I need you....I want you.

 

You mean the * * * * ing world to me. I understand you may need time and if it takes years, so be it. I hope emailing this doesn't make it impersonal and that it doesn't fall upon deaf ears. If you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I can prove to you that I have done a full 180. It may be hard to believe, but trust me...it's true. My eyes are open now. You do what you feel in your heart is right, but I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I hope I can someday win you you back. I made a terrible mistake. I will respect your time, but please know I will be here for you, always.

 

From her:

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for your words. You are a very special man and I'm grateful to have had the relationship I did with you. It was the best ever... until it wasn't. I forgive you for your shortcomings. I don't think I'm anywhere close to delving back into a relationship with you at this time. As Greta Garbo said, "I want to be let alone." And I truly believe that's what is best for both of us right now.

 

It's hard for me to believe one can change so much so fast. Still, I'm proud of you and I'm always here for you, for ideas, for inspiration, for life.

 

I've been doing okay. Got outta town for the weekend but found it harder than ever when I got back. I'm truly heartbroken. Trying to get by and take care of my business. Been super sick the past two days. I can't seem to eat much and if I do, I seem to be puking it right back up. I got sent home from work today. So I'm sure you can imagine it's hard for me to process how I feel. I just want to do well, be well and be happy again.

 

And I only want the same for you. All I saw was me making you unhappy. And that's the last thing I want. I want you to be the person, the artist, and lover I've always seen in you. I know you can do it.

 

Love,

 

Me.

 

One last one from me:

 

You never made me unhappy, I made myself unhappy by not letting you be the amazing, outgoing, beautiful creature that you are. I took you for granted and that is my biggest mistake I have ever made. Never think you did anything wrong...you were nothing short of being awesome to me. I just got lost.

 

I respect your wishes and will let you be. I had to see if you felt the same and even know it hurts, you are worth the pain. I hope all the best in the entire universe for you. I hope you feel better.

 

Always,

Me

 

Advice? Please??????

[camus154]

Advice for what?

 

You exchanged a few emails and from the looks of it, you both were civil and pretty mature. I'd call that a great ending. So why not let it alone at that?

[dudelikewhoa]

Advice for what?

 

You exchanged a few emails and from the looks of it, you both were civil and pretty mature. I'd call that a great ending. So why not let it alone at that?

 

She says : It was the best ever... until it wasn't. I forgive you for your shortcomings. I don't think I'm anywhere close to delving back into a relationship with youat this time. As Greta Garbo said, "I want to be let alone." And I truly believe that's what is best for both of us right now.

 

Do you think that means there is any hope in the future?

[camus154]

Honestly....no.

[Smile12]

You just need to grant her wishes - and let her be.

 

Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[dudelikewhoa]

Keep in mind...we only broke up a week and a half ago.

[Eocsor]

DON"T CONTACT HER AGAIN. Hows that for advice? You are coming accross as pitiful. That may seem harsh but it's the truth. Give her space, all the space in the world. Don't wait around for her, move on with your life. You've said everything you possibly can (and more) Now leave her alone. She knows where you are if she ever changes her mind but don't count on that ever happening. Heal yourself without her in your life.

 

And one last thing. She's right to doubt you've changed that quickly as meaningful change takes a lot of time.

[DN]

Assume the relationship is over and begin the moving on process - part of which is not contacting her.

[camus154]

Ok....your emails were nice and all, but very typical stuff for people just getting into a break up. All the stuff you said about codependency and wanting to make yourself a better man.....do you honestly think you've done that in a week and a half? Do you honestly think you've had the insight (and hindsight) to see what truly wasn't working?

 

Right now you just want to be back with her. That's all that's really on your mind. You're looking for any sliver of hope in her reply to get her back. All the stuff about changing and being better is just lip service at this point because you're hurting.

 

If you really love her, then do what Smile12 said.

[Dutchviking]

I think the "even when it hurts, you are worth the pain" something you should have left out. As for advice, well you already said you would respect her wishes and let her be. You said you'd keep the door open and she said she isnt ready and wants to be left alone. She finds it hard to believe you changed so fast, and i think she's right. Actually, if you really did a 180 and were less codependant on her, why did you write her this sappy letter. You state you want her, but dont need her. That's very good! It's better to be wanted than needed for sure.

 

No more "pulling her". It would certainly counter your argument that you are less codependant with her and not need her. Let her make the next move now, and if she doesnt, nothing you can do about it i am afraid.

 

Change doesnt happen overnight or over week...or over month, whatever jealousy and insecurity was there will come back unless sorted out. And her leaving you as a result will have a high chance of making it even worse, trust me, i sadly know. If she does approach you for a 2nd chance, it will have to be build up slowly, and you and her need a good talk about what situations made you feel bad, which didnt, and how you plan to deal with them, and how she can help make it easier.

 

Good that you noted that it wasnt her, basically admitting you had a "problem" she didnt cause.

 

Good luck! I hope she writes you back once she's missed you and you show you dont need her by not contacting her and dont go "OMG YES MARRY ME PLEASE NOW!" as soon as she asks if you want to go out for a drink. Be strong buddy!

 

All you can do in the meantime is assume the worst, hope for the best, move on and work on yourself so you're the best BF she, or a new girl, will have.

 

I dont suppose anyone would want to read the last few posts in my thread and comment?

[dudelikewhoa]

Thank you. I am done pulling her now. No more contact for me. I received some bad advice from friends and contacted her. I'm not stupid, I know she still has strong feelings for me. She tells her friends...but it is WAY too soon, I slipped. If we are meant to be...we will be. I need to move on, I know. Its sad when you lose something super awesome like this. It's a tragedy to me. Problem is, she is notorious for being done with things when she is in a bad headspace...this happens alot. The first EVER big fight we got in....she got extremely depressed and didn't talk to me for DAYS. She does this. I worry that she will feel better eventually then start texting me. What then?

[Gena]

Assume the relationship is over and begin the moving on process - part of which is not contacting her.

 

I think this is the best thing to do. She asked for some space, so let her have it.

 

Go focus on yourself a bit, work on being happy without her. If a relationship is ever to happen again with her, you don't want to be like you were in the past...clingy and jealous.

[Eocsor]

I worry that she will feel better eventually then start texting me. What then?

 

I wouldn't worry about that. Your goal right now is to worry about you and not any future hope of a reconcilliation. The goal is to move on and heal yourself without any thought of her coming back. Until you let go, you won't feel better. And the more you cling to that faint hope, the less possibility of anything positive happening whatever that might be.

[diamond78]

You expressed your feelings and as long as you were sincere, then I wouldn't say you screwed up at all. You had a very recent breakup and this email you sent is not surprising. Your ex responded in kind, but she made herself very clear. She needs time and space to process her feelings, the breakup, and your message to her.

 

Now, all you have to do is show her that you respect her decision and request for time and give her just that. In the meantime, if you are serious about changing for the better, make that your primary focus because whether she returns or not....at least you will be even more ready for a new relationship someone new or with her.

[dudelikewhoa]

I wouldn't worry about that. Your goal right now is to worry about you and not any future hope of a reconcilliation. The goal is to move on and heal yourself without any thought of her coming back. Until you let go, you won't feel better. And the more you cling to that faint hope, the less possibility of anything positive happening whatever that might be.

 

Thank you. Any advice on how to get her off my mind and move on? It's hard. I go to work everyday and I plan to get a gym membership as soon as I get my next paycheck to occupy my time....any other advice so that i dont go crazy obsessing over this stuff?

[Dutchviking]

She does this. I worry that she will feel better eventually then start texting me. What then?

 

First of all, do not expect that to happen, it will make you feel crap, so keep busy so you dont keep hoping/waiting for it. If it does happen, good! If not, you're already busy on moving on.

 

Second, i think it would be ok to reply and acknowledge any text she sends you, but dont go overboard and reply with huge texts etc. If she texts about small talk, reply very short. If she texts about missing you, tell her "likewise" but again, dont go overboard with "omg, a piece of heart is missing you!". I know i can be stupidly sappy like that myself, and i hate myself for it...i hope i didnt damage my own chances with that stuff, maybe it's not too late for me....

 

Third, if she texts about wanting to talk about "us", of course you go for it if you still want her. Let her lead that conversation but dont let her turn you into a friend so she can have her cake and eat it. Again, i'm barely able to escape that trap myself. Unless of course at that time you have moved on and want her as just a friend, but you wouldnt need advice from us at that stage.

 

Right anyway, if she texts wants to meet up to talk or have a drink, do so without making it a "date" or ask for more. Remember, you used fancy words to say you are different and do not need her and are not clingy/jealous...that's when you put your money where your mouth is Jojo!

[Hollyj]

You're making changes for her and not yourself. That's the problem.

 

You cannot change in 1.5 weeks. if you do have a problem with co-dependency, then check out CODA. You will keep repeating the behaviors until you are able to understand what got you here.

 

Work on you, the worst that can happen is that you will become more emotionally secure.

[Eocsor]

Thank you. Any advice on how to get her off my mind and move on? It's hard. I go to work everyday and I plan to get a gym membership as soon as I get my next paycheck to occupy my time....any other advice so that i dont go crazy obsessing over this stuff?

 

Well thats a good start. Just stay active any way you can. I used to go canoeing, hiking, biking, out for coffee to read a book, out with friends for a drink. Basically anything to fill up the time. And eventually, little by little I stopped missing her. And then one day, the hurt was gone. You'll get there too.

 

Just make an effort to let go and accept whats happened. Only good things can come from that. But the key is acceptance, that way, no matter how this plays out, you'll be OK.

[dudelikewhoa]

It's going to be a rough ride but I am confident I can get through it. I will work on all the things I don't like about myself....for me and me only. If she doesn't endup coming back...her loss. Because, despite all my flaws...I am a pretty awesome dude and she would have never have told anyone that I am "the best boyfriend she has EVER had" if that wasn't true. If she doesn't want me back over a proper period of time, so be it. I guess I will have moved on anyways. It's sad but that's life.

[Nick Lansing]

I think what you did is fine. Of course it's needy and sappy but that's how everyone is after a painful breakup. And she did seem moved by it. Better to leave her alone completely though, going forward. If you really love her, give her the space she's asked for. If you don't, she will resent it.

 

I would focus on getting through the next 3 months or so with no contact whatsoever, unless she initiates it (if she does, keep your cool; don't be too eager). Work on yourself, stay busy, and by thee end of three months you'll be feeling a lot better.

[Airbag]

If you truly love her, let her go.

[dudelikewhoa]

Oh man. Yesterday was crazy. She started hitting ME up on instant messenger on/off all day. Wouldn't stop. I was ready to let it be. She kept saying that she misses me and wants me but then would say that the cuts are too deep and that maybe there's no turning back. So, I would say I understand and that I should be going...then she would find some way to keep me online. Eventually, I told her we shouldn't be talking right now because we are just leeching off each other during this healing process and that we need to heal on our own. When I told her I need to move on...she kinda freaked and said....why do you want to move on?! I also found out she was lurking my FB page and got jealous over some random friend of a friend leaving a semi-flirtatious post on my page. Again, what do you want??? Answer : I dont' know!! So, finally I said I'm leaving and that it was nice reconnect but she has a lot of feelings to sort out. Then I told her she can get in touch when/if she is ever ready...but until then Im not going to be her iChat buddy! Ugh, I feel like I got wrangled into to her emotional web and now I am drained. I feel stronger about going back to no contact though....thats for sure.

[Nick Lansing]

I like the way you handled that, man.

[DN]

I think you did OK - now stick to what you said.

[dudelikewhoa]

I think you did OK - now stick to what you said.

Thank you! I think so too. What I basically got from our on/off all day convo is that she loves and still wants me but is afraid if she lets me back in I will somehow hurt her again. She kept telling me about her abandonment issues with her father and that she feels that when I got insecure the last couple months that it was me shelling up and pushing her away...she felt I abandoned her when she loved me SO much.

 

I feel like we deserve another go and that I can prove to her that I will not do that again. People keep talking about falling back into old habits and I understand that...but I am the type of person who is very in tune with myself and extremely sensitive to things like that. I am an artist...I know emotion well! hahah! I know what I did wrong and I am working everyday to better myself! Hopefully, she will come around and I can have another chance with her.