I screwed up and broke no contact. Please help!

[DN]

I hope that happens but it is now up to her to make a move in that direction. You have done all you should do.

[MakeItCount]

Obviously the letters weren't the greatest idea. However, I'm a strong proponent of getting your feelings out ONCE. That's what you've done. Could've been done with a little less neediness, but what's done is done.

 

You handled her messaging you extremely well. Stick to your guns now. Show her that you mean what you say. It'll be a tough road, but I think she'll heal in time and reconnect. If you have actually changed in that time (REAL change..you haven't yet) then she'll realize this and you can go from there. For now, stick to what you've said.

 

Good luck.

[BrokenNYC]

If you really want her back, you are going to have to go NC. Just this line alone, "don't think I'm anywhere close to delving back into a relationship with you at this time.", shows me that if you play the cards right, really work on yourself and the shortcomings of the past in that relationship, that in time MAYBE you can get back together. She didnt say "move on, this is over". It's only been a week and a half. That's nothing. She needs to get past the heartbreak and you need to be in a better place if you two are to have any chance getting back together. She obviously still cares about you, but she knows no one changes in a week and a half. I am in a similar situation, but its been a month and a half and I know I still have to change and heal, and so does she. So go NC, continue to make positive changes, and hopefully the two of you can sort things out in time.

[dudelikewhoa]

She won't let me! Hahah! She keeps texting or chatting me. Like today, one sec she is like 'Maybe we can go out on a date or something?" the next she says "I just don't know if I will be able to jump back in with you again. I am having a hard time letting go of the bad". She is very fickle right now. I maintain the 'Do what you need to do...take your time" approach. She is warming up alot. I try to keep it light as much as I can.

 

And I know people think that you can't change fast like that. I am in no way full changed...but I have changed a hell of alot in little time and I am working on it more day by day. If things keep going back and fourth in this limbo...I may have to tell her we need space apart. So she can heal.

 

We'll see where it takes us.

[intotheself]

Search threds with the keyword 'NC'. You will know what you need to do.

 

I recommend the thread written by Siberia, "Loose bullet is not attractive."

 

It says that a dumper does not want a dumpee who thinks and talks like a dumpee. Although she dumped you, if you behave like you are dumped and lost all the power, she will not respect you. When respect is gone, there's no way to bring back love.

[dudelikewhoa]

Search threds with the keyword 'NC'. You will know what you need to do.

 

I recommend the thread written by Siberia, "Loose bullet is not attractive."

 

It says that a dumper does not want a dumpee who thinks and talks like a dumpee. Although she dumped you, if you behave like you are dumped and lost all the power, she will not respect you. When respect is gone, there's no way to bring back love.

 

I actually initiated the break-up but thank you! I have read 3 books on no contact. I just went with my gut. Who knows what will happen from here. Well see how it goes.

[1guygirl]

hey dude

 

you two have only been split nearly 2 weeks....and its amicable, talky and friendly....youve got a head start for one thing....so dont screw this up.

 

go away into NC confident in the knowledge you two are cool with each other, its jus her confusion down to fear about getting hurt. let this one play out....but yes it is very hard when they keep contacting clearly with something still there.

 

when she contacts again, via text or email (cos you will block her on them IMs and facebook) ....suggest that you two give things a month or two of space, and see how you both feel then. its not a game to take back control...she actually needs you to be strong right now so she can sort out her feelings. she will thank you later down the line, and you will thank yourself too. she knows you love her, but love as expressive as it is, also needs to be strong, silent and dignified too...when we truly love someone that is, and we know they need space and time.

[dudelikewhoa]

Hey guys. Just wanted to write an update on what has been going on. Last weekend, we ran into each other at a party. At first, it was cool...super friendly. Then as the party progressed, she became overwhelmed and couldn't see or talk to me. She had to go. I had thought that I did something wrong. This is where it gets weird! Her roommate is also a friend of mine and my best friend has been courting her. We all had plenty to drink and I wound up catching a ride with her roommates friend. The roommates was going to get her car then drive me home. When we got there she said she was too drunk to drive and assured me that my ex wasstaying the night at a friends house and wouldn't be home until the afternoon. I was very reluctant but there wasn't much I could do. So I grabbed a blanket and fell asleep on the couch. Two hours later, I hear my ex come in the door. I was frightened!!!

 

At first she didnt see me because I was under the covers. I heard her in her room. So I decided to face it. I got up and walked into her room. She laughed and then said.."Well, I have some beers.. come on in!" I apologized and explained the situation. She said it was cool and that she was glad that I was there. We ended up talking and hanging out until 5am...then we fell asleep in each other's arms. We woke up, hung out all day and wound up having passionate sex all day. Not cheap drunken sex...but the meaningful kind with honest 'I love you's' and 'I missed you's'. Later that day, I went home and she wound up texting me later that night saying she felt lonely without me there and asked me to come over. I did. We had another night of cuddling. The next day, we wound up going on an adventure to the beach. It was amazing. We ended up staying the night in a hotel. We both agreed that we always do this push/pull thing but we can never stay away for longer than a couple weeks. Then we agreed that for now, that maybe we work best without a label. We are lovers and it should remain like that for now.

 

Last night we were together and she was kind of stand offish. She said she was tired from working all day and the exhausting adventure. I was stressed out a little over some work related stuff but I was also worried about this reconnection. I tried to explain myself but she doesn't really like to talk about it. She told me to chill out and it is ok. She kept saying...this doesn't mean that we are back together right now and keeps going out of her way to refer to me as 'my ex'. I know we aren't officially back together but it seems like she is having serious trouble opening up her heart 100%. She is keeping me at bay. We had some wine, played some old school video games, chilled out, laughed a bit then she fell asleep in my arms.

 

I feel like we need a break for a few days though. This needs to happen SLOW. Spending multiple days with each other after a make-up is understandable but we cannot fall back into old habits again. Even though we are happy to reconnect, the wounds are still fresh. This is complicated. I want this to work but part of me is afraid that we could get hurt again.

 

Thoughts???

[Brownstone322]

Didn't you just break up a few weeks ago? You've hardly had any time apart; and I think you both skipped right past the "accept the breakup" phase.

 

Anyway, remember what she wrote, that she finds it hard to believe that anyone can change that much that fast. I doubt anything has changed.

[dudelikewhoa]

Didn't you just break up a few weeks ago? You've hardly had any time apart; and I think you both skipped right past the "accept the breakup" phase.

 

Anyway, remember what she wrote, that she finds it hard to believe that anyone can change that much that fast. I doubt anything has changed.

 

I know, I know. I agree with that. I think that time apart is what is best...we both fell back into it again. This COULD potentially turn out badly. She is having a hard time opening up her heart to me right now and that is most likely due to the fact that things still haven't healed. I just don't know how to go about it now that she thinks we are kinda "seeing each other" again.

[dudelikewhoa]

I think I am playing the role of my ex's rebound.

[mhowe]

I think I am playing the role of my ex's rebound.

 

Don't think I've seen that before!

 

Seriously, tell her you don't want to date her right now or get back together because it is too soon. That you want to work on the issues you need to address and ask her to stop contacting you. You know it's the right thing....be strong.

[jeepman41]

When your breakup is fresh and the emotions are running high, everything you do seems like it is the right thing to do. But you are thinking with your heart and not with your head. When a person tells you it over....believe it. It's exactly how they feel at that moment in time. You can't really change how a person feels but you can push them away with your actions instead of the opposite effect you are trying to achieve.

 

That's one of the hardest things about starting NC and that's trying to stay away from the object of your affection. Right now the only thing you can do is distance yourself from the ex and the relationship. You don't need to validate anything by telling her how much you love her. All the person cares right now is how they feel and they don't want a relationship with you.

 

The best thing you can do right now is to walk away and try to heal. Perhaps somewhere down the road, and I would say at least 6 months, you might be able to approach her and have a conversation. But this old relationship is dead. You don't want to pick up where you left off, you want to start a brand new relationship. Who knows..once the emotional fires cool you may not even feel the same anymore?