"He who cares least, controls the relationship"

[endy]

Couldn't agree with the above more. Have some balls. Be a man. Walk the hell away with your dignity. Basically she has you by the balls and you're allowing it. Hello friends zone. How about, I'm ok no matter what happens. Go to the bar with some buddys and go have a fun night out. Hit on some women. Be ok no matter what. Stop putting up and being there for her emotionally. It's not helping you. Take what you have left of yourself, walk away and stand on your own two confident feet again like you were when you met her.

 

You're using her issues as an excuse to break NC. She isn't your gf anymore. She doesn't deserve what you give her anymore. You owe her absolutely 100 percent NOTHING. She made the decision. Let her live with it and move on. Go NC and keep it, for at least 6 months at that.

[Thorshammer]

Read this above wolf.

 

That ex2 book will tell you TO GO NO CONTACT. It will fill up the pages about why they would use you as an emotional support.

 

-You are in fact HELPING her to push away from you as her boyfriend, and helping her pull you as a "friend". You are giving the close support that boyfriend usually does, but this time you arent. She got the best part of the deal, while you are online trying to read inbetween the lines trying to figure out if she still likes you. You prolong your hurt that way. Thats not fair to you.

 

-She does NOT miss you, because you are still there, and you already showed you like her, so you are waiting for her and she KNOWS IT, she cant miss what she hasnt lost.

 

- She doesnt know what life is without you, how will she? How can she realize that she made a mistake? You were THERE FOR HER when you were together, and she left! Being still there for her probably wont make much a difference, especially after she finally cut you off as her bf. So again, being there didnt work when you were commited.

 

- You dont owe her anything, so let her go through her problems on her own. Maybe she will realize she does need someone supportive. She wont know that if you are still waiting on her. Take me back as your man, or dont take me AT ALL! Like i told my ex, everything from listening to you, to being your shoulder to cry on, COMES WITH THE BF PACKAGE (lol, sounds funny now).

 

- You lower your status by keeping contact, especially when you tell her shes sexy and she gets angry. Many women dont want a pushover, you are losing your male quality, and many women are about how they feel, how you make them feel, and about behavior. Lowering your status is like being ugly, and this is why some people never get together after a breakup, and is only a reason why certain people get friendzoned with new people and ex's.

 

Only time you dont follow this is if YOU messed up recently (like cheated, or said or did something really bad). If you messed up recently in a big way, then you might need to chase and be there for a bit. If you messed up in a long term by not showing her attention and love, and it didnt include being needy and desperate and clingy on your part, then maybe you can still be there for a while to make your point for her to stay, then go no-contact once it goes nowhere, just make sure you leave her knowing that you love her and you would change so she can have that as her final thought of you to think about if ever (if you mean it).

[Forget Myself]

I agree with Endy. The only way this scenario can have a chance is to cut her out. She has no respect for you as a man, and the longer you keep it up the less mystery there is and the easier it is for her to move on. You don't have respect for yourself outside of this girl. And that is the only way you can make a relationship work, is by respecting yourself. Once you start to care about yourself and make choices just for you, the sooner everyone around you will start to care about you too. Man up. My ex did the same thing, instead of being there for her I told her NC, I won't be second best and treated like * * * * . What happened? She called me a few weeks later to apologize and reach out. Have you got anything like that? no you haven't. And you won't because she doesn't know what she's losing, because you have no boundaries.

 

I've also broke up with a girl and had her stalk me and harass me to get back together forever, it was the worst experience of my life. Trust me, being there when they don't want you only makes it worse.

 

^^btw Endy been meaning to tell you I like your quotes, two of my favorite authors. I've read every book Donaldson has written. My favorite all time quote is Saltheart Foamfollower -"Laugh about it, joy is in the ears that hear."

[JerkBrokeMe]

Sorry to hear that. Did he break up with you or did you break up with him?

He broke up with me. However, we continued to remain "best friends" at his insisting, hung out all the time and were still intimate plenty of times. I was told I'm still the most important person in his life and he cried his eyes out every last time I told him I didn't know if I could continue the "friendship." So it was a very confusing atypical breakup. The jealousy stuff he pulled (which i doubt was any sort of ploy, just his right to "harmless" flirting) made me disgusted with him. That along with the mixed signal stuff you wrote about. After 7 months of hoping, pining, only seeing the good in him, much of what he did similar to what you wrote, made me think he's a pig and an ass. I see him as a completely different person now. He can feel free to go ahead and cry about not being in my life anymore but this time I won't pick up the phone.

 

Glad to hear that, its better late than never

I suppose so. Thanks.

[RitaTrue]

Good thread. Subscribing.

[madine]

Endy tells you everything you don't want to hear right after being dumped. Unfortunately he couldn't be more right.

[wolflovesmoon]

I cheated.. well its more like i cheated on another Ex with her( the ex was as emotional abuser) i didn`t do the right thing, in the right time, which was to tell her the truth. Yet after she found out ( they both meet by coincidence at my apt. when the Ex was there to amicably break up- the new girl showed up) she forgave me and decided to stay after she saw by her self how abusive the other ex was. she was hurt and she kept bringing that up everyday. then little things happened after. like the drop that flooded the Cup. keep in contact but not as heavy as when we were together. text once in couple days,, talk on the phone, lately we spoke 3 times on the phone and it was over 70 min ( which lead to increase my phone bill to $220)

when we spoke i don`t mention anything as i miss her. love her, i kept it friendly, yet she asks if i hate her,, what do i miss her. and when i mention something she asks what about it. sometimes we argue thru text and she tells me leave me alone, then she calls immediately after that. when one time i told her i can leave her alone for good , she will never hear from me, see me or even meet me by coincidence, she didnt say anything but change the subject. when i ask her if we can meet and talk ( for fact if we do and she know it, if we meet she will show her emotions) that`s why she says i am not ready yet.

I don`t blame her for leaving, but i am done with blaming my self. its been over a month now and i have done all i thought was good to keep her. i made a mistake but i didnt walk away, i stood up and wanted to fix it. Trust me guys i can Move on. i am so good at that. once i make up my Mind i will do it.

why do i keep talking to her. because i think i should fight for what i thought is Love. walking away is the normal thing all people do. but i don`t think its working, so i am going to Listen to you all and Go NC. not just so she may come back to me. if she doesnt, another cute girl will Come, i have what it takes to pick up girls anywhere i Go ( God`s gift )

I lost my job, i Moved from my nice apt to another one ( sucks). and everything seems to be falling apart, Yet she never bothered to ask how i am holding, why would i do the same and worry about her and her job. sounds very rational. to me at least. So yeah. i am not going to be held accountable for life time, i made a mistake and i tried to fix it. lesson learned

Now its time to be little selfish and love my own. be the so good to be true guy she at first meet. i will always hold a special place in my heart for her. as for her, what we shared was a spiritual experience.

Thank you Guys

[wolflovesmoon]

Thanks Endy for the Bitter/Sweet words. i appreciate your Bold and frank opinion. i don`t want people to sugar-coat me. i need to know what am i doing wrong so i can stop, which i have learned on this thread. so thank you all.

[Nick Lansing]

There is a reason why a common piece of advise is to actually move on and not care that much about the ex before you try to get them back, because when you don't care, you wont have to put on a show, it will simply work. That is why NC is important, so that you can heal and get to the point where you are no longer needy or outcome dependent around the ex.

 

Agreed. Playing games will backfire, generally. At least, that's been my experience. But putting on a brave face, staying away when your heart is telling you to beg and plead, waiting til you're healed before initiating contact, that's not really playing games, although it does involve a strategy. That's just being smart.

[wolflovesmoon]

Update:

she was supposed to call at lunch time to talk about her job. she just texted saying she probably wont be able to. i Told Her whatever she want, i have things to do anyway

[CMS]

Update:

she was supposed to call at lunch time to talk about her job. she just texted saying she probably wont be able to. i Told Her whatever she want, i have things to do anyway

 

How about just ignore it altogether? take the power back man!

[Dutchviking]

Update:

she was supposed to call at lunch time to talk about her job. she just texted saying she probably wont be able to. i Told Her whatever she want, i have things to do anyway

 

Though i agree with people here that the decision to go low/no contact and not caring much is a good thing, i am unsure if adopting a "pfff, whatever, im a busy man" attitude will be productive. As it would reek of forced behaviour. Actions speak louder than words. A simple neutral "Ok" reply and not making any attempts at contacting her would suffice for example.

 

Just my 2 cents...i should practice what i preach. Personally i am still unsure how to properly handle my case. Going fully NC will make me lose her forever, but maybe a period of LC might be all she needs. See my own thread ( ) for more info, as i dont wanna pollute this one.

[Thorshammer]

Ah, yeah, so that is different. Everyone is so gung-ho to say GO NC like if every situation is the same, and it can just hurt it more. I have never been in your situation, i can only relate to friends and their experiences. She seems confused and is having some trust issues with you, yet she claims to understand due to your ex's behavior, which shows confusion. Maybe someone is feeding her strength, like a friend? Either way, it doesnt matter now. As though you made your exit by telling her you do like her, want her, and explained the situation with your ex, then she will have that to think about that by herself on her own when you finally bow out with the effort you put in. Just dont play games, and dont try to get her jealous. If she reaches out in time, then do friendly LC if you can handle it and still want her back, unless you exhausted all your abilities and finally see the light. Because if she left due to trust issues, then doing NC for too long will just further confirm her decision, which nobody seems to get here. But, if she is pushing your buttons, and going out on the side, and trying to get a rise out of you, then NC has to be done (someone can go from, "i am leaving him because i am insecure and i cant trust him" to you hounding them for weeks and turning to, "he is acting way too needy, its a turn-off, i dont think i am as attracted to him anymore").

 

Now, to contradict that point; I told my friend who is stuck on a guy who wants to leave his gf for her, that its better he leaves this girl and starts fresh with no baggage with someone else because that will only keep pounding in her head as time goes by. A simple argument about where to live would put the fear of death with a partner who knows you cheated, they will see through different eyes, and might think every breath you take might decieve them after a simple argument or disagreement. You dont want that hanging over your head (the ex situation), some people arent mature enough, secure and confident enough, or experienced enough to take on that pressure, also the last thing you want is that being used as ammo in an argument, or her using that as en excuse for jealousy, or as a multiplier for jealousy.

[wolflovesmoon]

I don`t know. i am mentally tired. she just called again. and told me what`s up with the No contact thing ( i told her yesterday i will leave her alone and she knows how to reach me when she want) and i confirmed it today saying i have a life i need to take care of. i will not talk to you as much as before, i will text or call sometimes, but i also told her she is welcome to call or text when ever she feel like it. then we hang up after she said she is tired and need to go back to work. saying i can text her if i want. i said i will do Later.

one of her best friends / cow -worker .. dislikes me before she even meet me. keep nagging on her head. this girl is a mess,, her Hulk boyfriend ( steroid user ) gave her STD`S, slept with her Best friend. dislike her son and list goes on, Yet she sits there and talk to me like if i am an evil person.. and i could assume she have had some influence on her ,, but you never know. This girl ( my ex) is just confusing me

[wolflovesmoon]

How about just ignore it altogether? take the power back man!

that`s exactly what i am trying to do. But dude my case is different. she didn`t leave because she was confused, unsure or for another dude. she did because i cheated and i made her feel not enough and some other crap. so Does NC apply on this. to a certain extension maybe . and that`s what i am trying to do. she just called again , she is exhausted, and she asked what`s up with i wont contact you again ( sent her texts yesterday saying i will not talk to her as much as before but she is welcome to call or text when she want to) and i confirmed it again saying i have a life and things to take care of so i wont be able to call or text her as usual but if she needs to reach me she knows my Number. she went back to work and told me i can text if i want. i said ok i will later

[CMS]

I still believe it applies to your case, let the dust settle a bit then contact her again. You tried to fight for it, being there for her and its clearly not working, just getting you friendzoned. You said you are naturally good with picking up women, then let me ask you this, would being nice and supportive the way to go to pick up women? No! you do it by being an alpha, charming, funny and a bit arrogant. I say still go on NC, let her sort her emotion out, let her know whats its like to be without you, give it a month or 2 at least before you try to contact her again and start over.

[Tired Tiger]

But dude my case is different.

 

Yeah. They're all different. Even more so when you're justifying not letting go.

 

i will not talk to her as much as before but...

 

...and i confirmed it again saying... i wont be able to call or text her as usual but...

 

Not really defining much of a boundary if -

 

...told me i can text if i want. i said ok i will later

 

Nothing good will come from allowing this cycle to continue.

[wolflovesmoon]

Yeah. They're all different. Even more so when you're justifying not letting go.

 

 

 

Not really defining much of a boundary if -

 

 

 

Nothing good will come from allowing this cycle to continue.

Well i`ve made up my Mind to go NC. she deep down knows i will always be there but to support her. i just will not initiate any contact for the main time, if she want anything she should go for it. like someone said take me back as a boyfriend or don`t take me at all. Now i am going to improve my life and make it better. Thank you all for your support and advices.

[Dutchviking]

Well i`ve made up my Mind to go NC. she deep down knows i will always be there but to support her. i just will not initiate any contact for the main time, if she want anything she should go for it. like someone said take me back as a boyfriend or don`t take me at all. Now i am going to improve my life and make it better. Thank you all for your support and advices.

 

Good luck wolfie! (I love wolves....awh crap, now im thinking of my ex-GF as her nickname for me was "wolfie" )

[Lonewing]

It really doesn't matter how much or how little you care. If the other person thinks the relationship is over, it's over. Drop of the hat. The End.

 

If you care less, all it means is you'll be free easier. Or you've been lying to yourself that you care less, and in essence care more, and now you're miserable without her. oops.

 

Best move on, forward, and livelife as if she no longer exists. Then you get a new one, and she's different - maybe even better. Who can tell?

[endy]

So can we clarify the cheating situation? You cheated with the current ex on another ex?

[wolflovesmoon]

So can we clarify the cheating situation? You cheated with the current ex on another ex?

Yes i cheated with the Current ex on another Ex. i was going thru the Break up. the other ex made it hard and kept trying to keep us together. tried to become friends. i remember that day ( two days after i meet the current ex) my old ex come over and tried to kiss,, have sex but i pushed her and i told her i can`t,, i told her i`ve meet someone and i cannot do this. you need to Move on. i had to literally grab her from the hand and pull her out of the apt.. she went on and asked my roommate girl friend if i`ve ever brought someone home. the other lied and said no.. so My ex assumed i was just laying to push her away..

The Ex wanted to Come talk and break up Friendly which i welcomed but it wasnt a smart move to meet her at the house. she used the excuse she live far away to stay and she didn`t even tell me,, she just come and bring her clothes,, i slept on the couch while she slept on Bed.

My current ex was texting me the whole day ,, like we usually do. but that day i wasnt responding as fast and as much as i used to,, so she intuited something was going on.. Sunday morning she come over. to pick up her pots ( she cooked spaghetti for me couple days before that ) she asked me if someone is over and i told her yes. My ex.

she went up stairs and found the other and they spoke. no fighting or anything, the current ex was devastated and crying... the old ex was just cursing me and calling me names,, at that time i had a gallon of bleach in the shower closet, she toke it,, splash it all over my closet she damaged the carpet,, my work suits,, my jeans,, shirts, everything is gone ( some of the shirts end up looking very stylish and i often get compliments from people.. so thanks for that,, lol )

i didnt stay inside because my ex ( the crazy one) would have attacked me, and there was no way to stop her but hit her back so i avoided that.

she left, toke her belongings,,the current ex stayed,, we went to the park,, cry,, talk,, i explained to her everything, we went back home and made love. she decided to stay and i promised her nothing like this will ever happen again. things were smooth and nice but the hurt was still there.. she kept bringing it in every conversation. she started getting jealous over Facebook friends and questioning why i have friends. i end up deleting most of them.

she got mad many times and said we should just break up and be friends, but she always wanted to come over and hang out, have fun, sex great times,,

she was at work taking about how hard to find good guys.. her boss heared it and proposed to hook her up with his best friend son.

she did go out with him.( he toke her to a place i was planning to take her there) next day she posted a picture of her self and she commented she had a great romantic night, sweet kisses and nice conversation.. i deleted her from face book ,, she texted me immediately asking why and it hurt her

i told her i couldn`t stand looking and reading that comment. and she should go be with the guy if he is making her happy.

yet she insisted we take. Monday comes and we talk on face book ( i added her back when she told me it was nothing ) we talk and she left to go see a movie with him.

after midnight she calls me and say she want to stop by,, i agreed to meet her a t a close by coffee house.., she picked me up and said she missed me,, i responded thanks thats sweet.

we went to the coffee and had a long conversation,, till 3 am.. she said she didnt like the guy but she was giving it a try,, he was controling and smelled bad ) curry,, sorry nothing mean if there is any one who is indian here). kept looking at me and saying she was thinking of me all the time while she was with him and she loves me,, we kiss,, she ask to go use my bathroom,, wanted more kisses. i felt she wanted more but i had to stop, i told her she should go home its late and she had to wake up early, i had to fast next day ( i am Muslim and we do this thing called Ramadan )

she stooped talking to the guy,, he calls her B****.

the weekend comes, we go out,, this guy hit on her, she told him she is with me.( hes a home boy.. we are Moroccans) i let it go since he didnt mean any harm,, she come back again next weekend and we go to the same pace,, the guy hit on her again,, she tells me when we go home,, i looked him on facebook thru some mutual friend and i told him to back off ( he is married, have kids and that night he was with another girl)

while i was taking trash this girl hit on me and asked if we can date,, i think she was drunk but i told her no i have a girl friend and i love her.

my current ex question if i am honest and i told her ( was trying to prove i am doing nothing) this hot girl hit on me and i had to turn her down,just so you know i only want you,, then i tell her i emailed the guy on facebook,, she get mad and told me that was childish and silly yo talk to him and give him the power and made my self sound insecure.

i was fasting and she wanted me to touch her,, cuddle with her, something that will ruin my fasting so i couldnt do it,, couldn`t contain my self around her. so i had to just act childish and not take a shower after we both swum,, farted ( silly and nasty i know,, sorry ) i was just trying to push her to go home and let me finish my Fasting. all of that turned her off, she go home and decide its over. that`s the whole story..

[endy]

Ok so... you jumped from one relationship to the other... Not healthy at all, although a lot of people do this to get over the other person. You never really healed from that relationship and jumped into another one. You may think your situation is unique, but it's really not. For one, you cheated, and for two... you jumped relationships. None of that is healthy behavior in a relationship.

 

I don't know why you think that you need to pursue this woman. There's obviously no trust in either relationship, and that is poison to any relationship. Honestly if I was you, I would work on grieving both relationships and find someone new. You're making a mistake jumping into another relationship most likely. That girl has every reason not to trust you. How would you feel if some ex was in her house?

 

Honestly I think you need space and time for you. To fight, manipulate people back and play games really is childish, and no thriving relationship is going to come from it. I'm not trying to bash you at all, but honestly take a look at your past behavior with women. She has every right to feel insecure and not trust you. You at the same time don't trust her, and that most likely stems from someone else. I see a lot of pain and suffering here, that you both probably prefer because it's familiar... how long have you been in thise new relationship? Honestly it's a rebound, you may not look at it that way, but it's not healthy to not grieve a relationship.

 

Some people here think it's ok to not grieve a relationship because you "checked out" of the current relationship. I don't think many people are readily capable of checking out while living with someone, breaking up, cheating, and then not dealing with the emotions of the breakup and just moving on like that. Feelings and emotions are repressed, and they will come to the conscious mind from the subconcious after a period of time.

 

I would personally not get in a relationship for awhile and take some time for yourself. If you need to bang or hookup with random chicks then do that. But make sure that's exactly all it is.

[Tryptophan]

True that. I lost respect for my ex when he became submissive.

[EgoJoe]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Maybe he didn't feel comfortable expressing himself around you.