He says he has never been "in love" with me, but he "loves" me

[lyndsaylynn]

My boyfriend told me over the phone 5 days ago he cannot have a romantic relationship with me anymore because he says he is not in love with me. He also added that "he has never been in love with me," that he "knew from the moment he met me that he would never fall in love" with me, but that he "loves me" very much. He said he misses our friendship when, according to him, he "could talk to me about anything."

 

My boyfriend is 53 and has been taking care of his elderly mother for the past few years. She is abusive and demanding, critical, and he is the only one of her children who is able to care for her so he does it alone. It has been extremely stressful for him, and he has been very difficult to be in a relationship with because of the extreme stress (i.e., he has been moody, critical, emotionally distant, etc.) About 2 years ago, he nearly withdrew from me entirely because he said he was "emotionally dead" because of the strain from his mother. Eventually he wanted to be close again and things were going better until this month.

 

For the past several years, because of the stress he was under, I have always been the one to accept responsibility for any argument, been the first to call him. I didn't make waves because I thought I was making it worse for him. Maybe I should have stood up for myself more.

 

Anyway, we have been friends for nearly 26 years and in an exclusive dating relationship for the past 13 years. Neither one of us wants to get married (he was married once before 28 years ago which ended in divorce due to his wife cheating on him).

 

In 2005, we had a nearly identical conversation. He had gotten angry with me for some unknown reason, and then he told me he didn't have romantic feelings for me, loved me as a friend, but wasn't in love with me. The very next day, he apologized, said he didn't mean it, said he "had to have me in his life" and things continued on as before.

 

Another strange comment he has said through the years and said again a few nights ago is that he has always thought of me as so "pure" and that he has always felt "dirty" being next to me. What in the world does that mean? He has never been able to explain that to me.

 

I am curious to see what others opinions are of this situation. I have not made any contact with him since he told me how he felt, and I haven't heard from him, either. I wonder how a man can "fake it" for so many years. I also wonder how someone who supposedly loves me could be so cruel in the words he chose to tell me. Especially when, at the end of the call, he said I was "the best thing that ever happened to him."

 

How can a man turn on someone they love and who loves them, so brutally? Sorry for all the quotes, but I wanted to make it clear those were his actual words.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me like he learned a thing or two from his mother...how to wound people. I would walk away from this guy for good. If he just wants you around because you are convenient and he has nobody else then why bother with him. Often people who have been abused by parents turn around and abuse their partner. Is it possible he is cheating on you and that is why he feels dirty? This guy is emotionally messed up. Time to bail.

[lyndsaylynn]

Thank you for your reply, Crazyaboutdogs. I guess I am naive, but I never suspected he was cheating. Now I have to wonder because it does make sense. It also helps hearing someone else say what I have been thinking myself, that he seems to be emotionally abusive.

 

Just a side note by the way, I am also 47 and also crazy about dogs!

[NeverGoingBack]

Can someone please explain to me what it means to love someone but not be "in" love with them? To me that's just nonsense...

[corgidude]

My ex once gave me the "love but not in love" spiel.

 

It's a cop-out, in my opinion. My grandmother once said that being "in love" is not a constant state... it's those moments of that rush you feel when you first are together, or you experience those little thrills of being together on an amazing vacation, etc. But when that's gone, love is what endures and remains from day to day.

 

However, people seem to use this as a cop out to the fact that they've just fallen out of love with the other person. They still care, but they no longer feel love. Somehow they think this is the best way to express that, because they're not telling you they don't love you. -But that's just my opinion.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Lyndsay,

I've come to believe that by taking the blame for the other person's bad behaviour and tolerating things that are really unacceptable, that many people (especially men) lose respect for their partner. I don't fully get it myself, but I really do believe it works that way now. I would suggest taking time out to work on your own life and reading a book called "Why Men Love B's"

 

With regard to his comments about seeing you as pure, I had a former partner say that to me too. Yes, it did turn out that he was cheating, and for most of his life, he had been extremely promiscuous. I didn't know all that at the time. Something else I thought of, which was definitely true with that ex of mine was something called "Madonna/ * * * * * Complex". A lot of the older men, baby-boomer and earlier are thought by some to nearly all have this in varying degrees, and yes, a lot of it come from what their mothers have said to them and how they treated them as well as wider socialisation issues. (I would suggest googling it) Thing is, that at his age (I'm also around your age), a lot of these men are really not likely to change too much, especially if they haven't sought out professional help. I would think though that after his mother has died and he has had a year or so to grieve, that there could be some changes, but no guarantee.

 

Is he worth waiting for??

 

The deleted word is "Haw"

[MK9]

I don't get it...so he loves you but not in love. If he loves you then logically shouldn't that means he's in love? Or is he trying to say, he cares for you as a friend and need you in his life, but he doesn't have the love feelings for you?

 

This is so confusing.