Being chased on OKC - Not as nice as I had hoped

[NG85]

Some of you may remember my post on giving up online dating. A few things happened within a months' time that really turned me off to it, and having about a 1% success rate in even meeting up with a girl really soured the deal. In all that time it was always me pursuing the girls and getting shut down, but now I've been chased and I can see why so many women dislike it.

 

There was this girl I had been talking to on OKC, then through texting, before I swore off online dating. She messaged me first and seemed nice and cute, but I wasn't super into her. But she asked me out 2 weeks ago and I figured I'd give it a go, she may completely wow me in person, so we set a date for later in the week. The day of the date comes and about 2 or 3 hours before the date I text her to confirm the time and place. She texts me back and says that she had been casually seeing other people and wanted to get serious with one of them, so the date was off. I texted her back to tell her I got the text, and also to say it was cool of her to tell me, most girls just disappear or flake out (If I went all the way there and she never showed, that would be the third date to flake on me in about 8 months).

 

So that was the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of online dating. I decided not to check my OKC account anymore and seeing as I have a big deadline coming up at work I decided to just focus on work. But a week after she called off the date I get a text from her: "Hey, long time no speak! Things aren't going as planned with you know who, so if you're still interested I'd love to get together." I was at a friends' house, so I decided to wait till the next day to get back to her. But the next day came and I completely forgot about the text. There's something about a text basically saying I'm her second choice that really irked me. So the day after that I get another text from her asking if I got her last one.

 

Then today I got a text and an OKC message: "Okay, this is my last attempt! I really think we'd get along and it'd be a shame not to give it a chance. I also think you are super-attractive which is probably why I'm being so persistent having never met you. Anyway, please forgive me for cancelling our plans at the last minute that night. Believe me, as a neurotic, hyper-self-aware woman, I felt terrible. I will not do that again."

 

Is it just me, or are there a lot of red flags here? I feel like I should be flattered that a girl is throwing herself at me, but it does bug me that she blew me off for a one-week relationship, then came back. I feel like if she did that once she can do it again. It would be a guaranteed date if I respond, and like I said she may completely wow me in person, but I'm having some really mixed feelings about the whole thing. Thoughts?

[asdf02932093]

If she is crazy IRL, you can always pass. Why not at least go for the date?

[banal]

When I was online dating last month, there was one woman I had been messaging who I had felt "meh" about - she seemed sort of bland, and her profile was humorless. She was also hard to get in contact with, disappearing for days at a time. She texted me the day before our first date to confirm our arrangements, and I was like 45% going to make up some excuse so that I could cancel. But I stuck through with it. Now, almost a month later, she's someone I really like; we have very, very similar personalities and senses of humor, and we're dating exclusively.

 

What do you have to lose to at least meet up with her? I would feel like you did, that you were the second choice, but you can turn this one around. I mean, she hadn't even met you yet, so by default you SHOULD be a backup plan. And I think it's somewhat honorable that she was honest with you.

[Larkin]

I'd at least meet her. It's only a date--it's not the rest of your life.

[arrakis77]

What do you have to lose to at least meet up with her? I would feel like you did, that you were the second choice, but you can turn this one around. I mean, she hadn't even met you yet, so by default you SHOULD be a backup plan. And I think it's somewhat honorable that she was honest with you.

 

I completely agree with this. None of my IRL dates from meeting online have turned out like I expected and pleasant surprises are kind of rewarding. I would also put a lot of value in how open she's being with you. You'll miss all the shots you never take, what's the worst that could happen?

[Ariel85]

I wouldn't bother.

 

First off, any person who admits they are neurotic, are probably insane.

 

Secondly, you're right - you were second choice.

 

Thirdly, you're also right - she was in and out of a "relationship" in the span of a week.

 

The only reason she's chasing you now is because you're blowing her off. Everything about this girl is a red flag.

[EmmaB78]

I think you should give her another chance. I have flaked on guys I thought were awesome before because I had already met someone in person and felt guilty about dating anyone else. Then, that fizzled, and I thought, What about THAT guy? It wasn't that he was my second choice or something - I just met him second!

[Weeb]

I don't think it would hurt to meet her. She was pretty honest and didn't want to start leading on a new guy when she saw some potential with someone she had already met. I think if she had been casually dating you, stopped to get more serious with someone else, and then came back to you a couple weeks later you'd have reason to be insulted. But since she hadn't met you yet I don't think its a big deal.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hmmm...seems a bit "red flagg-y" to me. I'd be put off by the fact that, two or three hours before the date, she still hadn't cancelled on you, and that it came down to you texting her to confirm in order for her to tell you the date was off. Then, texting you after things didn't work out with the other guy? That would REALLY put me off; it's as if she was saying, "I liked him better, but it's not working out, so I guess I'll give you a shot." Yuck. Her persistence is a bit creepy too, particularly as she admits that it's probably because she finds you so attractive. Ummmm....if she found you so attractive, why didn't she give you a chance in the first place? And her assertion that she's "hyper self-aware"...sounds a bit full of herself. And, I smell a bit of desperation -- her first choice didn't work out, so you're next on the list...

 

I don't know...this wouldn't sit well with me at all. But, if you want to just go to see if you click with her, you should. I probably wouldn't, if it were me, but...you never know...if she seems "off," you can just politely excuse yourself. Just be sure to NOT ignore it if you sense a bunch of other red flags waving.

[1m50L0nl3y]

I wouldn't bother to meet her. I see here a little entitlement and even some arrogance on her part. Not because she cancelled the first date but because of the message she sent you on OKC, all you read there is I I I I and more I. So she decided to cancel the date because she was so confident she wouldn't ever need to talk to you, and now her life "sucks" and she is demanding a date, she is even giving you an ultimatum. And she assumes she is so great that you will kiss her feet, because she is the princess of the universe her will is your command.

I know being single is a nightmare.. But you already mentioned that from the very beginning you werent "super" into her, then she blows you off, then she claims she is a neurotic... just imagine how that date will go...

If you are as desperate as she is, then go for it....

[XxJustMexX]

And, I smell a bit of desperation -- her first choice didn't work out, so you're next on the list...

 

Wait, I don't get it... Would it have been better if she just dated a bunch of guys at the same time? There are different types of daters, some like to date one at a time, and some will date around and see a bunch of people at once until they go "exclusive". She just seems like the type of person to really just focus on one person at a time, does that make her wrong? So would it have been better she just dated them all at once and then broke it off with everyone when she decides to take her pick?

 

I myself don't get that "dating around" deal. I can't go out with a different guy every day of the week until I find my pick. When I date, I like to focus on one guy, then if it doesn't work out, then I end that and move onto the next. For me it's awkward to be out with a different guy every other day doing that dating around thing... It's not making anyone "second pick". There just happens to be a list of guys I would consider, and if they come around when I'm single, then so be it... That doesn't make them my second pick... Although I personally wouldn't be all creepy and persistent like her... I'd let them come to me.

 

Although ya... I agree, her desperation's a bit putting off.

[mhowe]

Red flags every where. Run Forest Run.

[Fudgie]

I wouldn't like that, personally. Like someone else said, she dropped you for another guy, and now that it's not working out, she's running back to you even though you haven't contacted her. I would feel a bit like second fiddle.

 

I think her persistence is a little odd. I also don't think it's a good sign that she calls herself "neurotic". Neurosis is never good. I mean, it's very possible that she could be off and she's not really neurotic, or maybe it's true. And if it's true you

 

I say go out for a date if you are willing to spare the cash. Maybe she's okay and it will be a fun date. Maybe she really is a bucket of crazy and in that case, it will be a last date and maybe a funny memory/laugh. Don't tell her too much about yourself until you can verify that she's not a few screws loose. She sounds like she could stalk if she wanted to.

[Ariel85]

Wait, I don't get it... Would it have been better if she just dated a bunch of guys at the same time? There are different types of daters, some like to date one at a time, and some will date around and see a bunch of people at once until they go "exclusive". She just seems like the type of person to really just focus on one person at a time, does that make her wrong? So would it have been better she just dated them all at once and then broke it off with everyone when she decides to take her pick?

 

No...it's the fact that she blew off the OP because she had found someone she wanted to be exclusive with and commited to, and a week later, that blows up and she's doubling back to him.

 

So, one of the following happened:

 

1 - she has ZERO judgement skills, and her choice of a "serious" partner was really off in some way.

2 - she jumps into these "serious" short-term one week relationships with a lot of guys

 

Either way, to me, she's high risk, high drama, and not worth the effort of a second glance.

[Glowguy]

Yeah there are some red flags, but why not give it a try? It will probably be a bust so you may want to keep it short but who knows you may end up liking her. Hey it's good practice if nothing else. The most worrying thing is "neurotic and self-aware". To me that might translate to insecure and selfish. Flaking on a date is never a good sign either. If she was that interested in the other guy then why would she even accept a date with you? Pay particular attention to her behavior if you decide to see her.

[XxJustMexX]

No...it's the fact that she blew off the OP because she had found someone she wanted to be exclusive with and commited to, and a week later, that blows up and she's doubling back to him.

 

So, one of the following happened:

 

1 - she has ZERO judgement skills, and her choice of a "serious" partner was really off in some way.

2 - she jumps into these "serious" short-term one week relationships with a lot of guys

 

Either way, to me, she's high risk, high drama, and not worth the effort of a second glance.

 

Oh don't get me wrong, I agree, she's most likely drama. But I like to give people the benefit of a doubt. It's quite possible that she just didn't know how to break it off to him that she wanted to try dating the other dude first, and that didn't work out. It's possible she either mistakenly used the wrong words with him and may have just meant that she wanted to date one guy at a time, not really be "serious" with the other guy, but maybe just felt uncomfortable dating more than one guy at once. I don't know... Just like giving people the benefit...

[Ariel85]

Oh don't get me wrong, I agree, she's most likely drama. But I like to give people the benefit of a doubt. It's quite possible that she just didn't know how to break it off to him that she wanted to try dating the other dude first, and that didn't work out. It's possible she either mistakenly used the wrong words with him and may have just meant that she wanted to date one guy at a time, not really be "serious" with the other guy, but maybe just felt uncomfortable dating more than one guy at once. I don't know... Just like giving people the benefit...

 

She had told the OP that she had been casually dating a few guys, and wanted to get serious with one of them.

 

I think when there are so many signs against a situation, it's pointless to give the benefit of the doubt. I won't twist someone's words and situation in order to make it appear better for me. I think it's always best to take people exactly at face value.

 

Plus, she's semi-stalking him now, and that's just too much. Telling him it's because she finds him so attractive? I think she's nuts.

[browneyedgirl36]

I see your point -- I too am not a person who could date a bunch of people at a time. But, it seems like this girl IS this type; she agreed to a date with the OP when she was clearly seeing at least one other person (and I'm guessing maybe a few more people) but then changed her mind, probably when the guy she was really interested in showed more interest in her. Some people see the early stages of dating -- meeting people, going out to dinner and stuff -- as just casual, so they don't see it as having any obligation to any one person, and they don't see it as "breaking it off" when they decide to move toward seeing one person exclusively.

 

Anyway, I still think this girl is a bit red-flaggy. Though it would be interesting to see what happens if he DOES meet her!

[browneyedgirl36]

No...it's the fact that she blew off the OP because she had found someone she wanted to be exclusive with and commited to, and a week later, that blows up and she's doubling back to him.

 

So, one of the following happened:

 

1 - she has ZERO judgement skills, and her choice of a "serious" partner was really off in some way.

2 - she jumps into these "serious" short-term one week relationships with a lot of guys

 

Either way, to me, she's high risk, high drama, and not worth the effort of a second glance.

 

Yeah. This is what's bugging me about it. That she came back one week after announcing that she wanted to "get serious" with this other guy. When it didn't work out, she backtracked, telling the OP how attractive he is, etc.

 

This doesn't sit well with me, and I'm not even the OP! This, combined with everything else -- the odd persistence, the reference to herself as "neurotic" and making a point to say how "hyper self-aware" she is (yuck -- when people have to announce these things, often they're the opposite of what they're claiming to be)...yeah. Drama.

[Ariel85]

This, combined with everything else -- the odd persistence, the reference to herself as "neurotic" and making a point to say how "hyper self-aware" she is (yuck -- when people have to announce these things, often they're the opposite of what they're claiming to be)...yeah. Drama.

 

Totally agree here, too. It's almost like she suffers from limerence.

[NG85]

Thanks for the advice, everyone! It's nice to hear people arguing both sides of the situation.

 

I figure I'll get in touch and just explain that I've been very busy (Which I have), and that this month will be really hectic (Which it will). I'll see if she wants to meet up in a few weeks and see what she says. But I did see a bunch of red flags raised, and to begin with I wasn't head over heels for this girl. I could be missing out by not dating her, but she seems excessively desperate and needy. That last message she sent me also rubbed me the wrong way. We exchanged maybe 6 emails through OKC and a handful of texts, so it's not like we've been speaking for hours a day for a long time or really know all that much about one another.

 

I'm generally very critical about myself, so if someone appears to be incredibly into me right off the bat, it's a huge turn-off. I remember in high school being chased by a few girls who acted sort of the same way. The one common thread they all had was that I either didn't like their looks or personalities or both, and this chasing just turned me off more. I think casual interest at first (Without seeming too interested) is actually really sexy. It shows that the girl digs me, but also has her crap together and could do fine on their own. It also makes me work a bit harder to win her over. With this current girl she's given up all her power to me, I don't have to do anything to impress her, really.

[EmmaB78]

Awww...I guess I'm the only one, but I kind of like this girl. That's probably because I could BE this girl! If she really is anything like me, I shall allow you into my head for a moment (run away, lol!) and let you know what I think she's thinking/doing.

 

So she's on OKCupid. As you may be aware, most girls get asked out A LOT through that site. When I was on there (I, too, have sworn off online dating for a while), I really got into emailing back and forth with three or four guys, and there were a couple of other ones who asked me out right away that I was considering going out with too, mostly based on their profile info. But it just so happened that the very first guy I started corresponding with was my favorite and so, inevitably, I spent more time emailing/texting with him than the other guys (for a variety of personal reasons, I couldn't meet up with anyone for a month after I set up the site so I was pretty much getting to know people via email). I grew to really like the first guy, but I also knew that I was pretty much creating a fantasy in my head and that the best way to counter this was to keep talking to other people whom I found cool.

 

Fast forward, I finally meet guy 1 in person, and we have a great time, which makes me want to focus on him even more. However, I didn't want to rush into anything and I didn't really know if he felt the same so I did set up another date. Then guy 1 called me up for a second date, and I thought it would be unfair to go out with guy 2 at this point because I knew I was already interested in guy 1. There was absolutely nothing wrong with guy 2 - as I said in my previous post, I just happened to meet him second, and I have a hard time not focusing on one person at a time - but, nonetheless, I canceled the date and explained why. He was cool about it. So, anyway, date 3 with guy 1 (this is getting complicated, lol) rolls around, and it's not until then that I realize that things aren't going to work out. And then I'm kicking myself for not doing the smart thing and giving it more than a date or two before I stop dating other people. And I basically apologize to guy 2 and kind of explain what happened and asked if he thought he might want to go out after all. He said yes. Now this girl did take it a little further than me - had he not responded, I would not have persisted even though I did genuinely want to go out with him. However, I don't think she's stalking you, and I don't think that her telling you how attractive you are is a sign of desperation - I think that might be her way of trying to ensure that you don't feel like you're her second choice. And, yeah, you kind of are, but like I said, only in the sense that she met you after she'd started to develop feelings for someone else. As another poster said - she'd met him in person, whereas you were still just an email buddy.

 

As to her calling herself "neurotic" - I describe myself that way all the time! I'm not crazy (I don't think, lol!), but I tend to overthink things, which leads me to doing things like, say, really liking one guy, realizing I'm investing too much, trying to force myself not to by talking to other guys, deciding that I shouldn't be forcing myself to do anything, etc. etc. etc. This neurosis does not last forever, but dating is a hard game for people who over-analyze things too much and for people who are too honest. I think she probably is "hyper self-aware" - she knows she kind of screwed up, and she's trying to fix it. I also don't think she's desperate or needy (I'm not), but it sounds like subtlety is not her strong suit. Also, I've never believed in playing games, even a little bit, so if I like a guy, he's generally going to know it. The only "game" I DO play is not contacting someone again if they don't respond to something I say, but I'm not sure that's a game so much as a self-protection measure.

 

Well, anyway, I hope you give her a chance. And, please keep in mind that liking someone is not a sign of neediness - it's just a sign of liking them. I was called needy recently by a guy I liked, and it pissed me off to no end. I have a very full life with a great job and a ton of friends, but since I liked him, I was willing to make time for him once a week, and, for some reason, he found this weird. A truly needy person would have been devastated by his criticism; I was sad, for like, a day, but apart from a few times when I've tried to go back and analyze the situation to prevent it from happening in the future (there's that over-thinking again!), I'm perfectly fine with never seeing him again. No doubt he thinks I'm poised on the edge of a cliff somewhere ready to jump to my death because he rejected me, but meh? What do I care what he thinks now that I know he's not interested?

[testcase]

Wow I can't say I agree with most people here.

 

Go for it! Seems legit. I mean she wanted to give it a try with someone it didn't work out. She seems interested in going on a date with you. It's a date... what's the worst that can happen? An awesome story that's what.

 

I've been on a ton of dates some are good, some are awful. Never know unless you meet the person, in person. Set that up... for Monday! Do it.... do it.

 

... do it!

[Iakasot]

You need to ask yourself the question, if you had done that to her, would she have given you a second chance? Probably not. Also, does she expect you to pay for the date, or split the checks?

[NG85]

You need to ask yourself the question, if you had done that to her, would she have given you a second chance? Probably not. Also, does she expect you to pay for the date, or split the checks?

 

As far as splitting checks, I'm not sure, but I usually always buy the first round, then see what happens as the date goes on. Sometimes they buy their own subsequent drinks, sometimes they don't.

 

As for your question, I highly doubt I'd get a second chance. I ended up texting her again, but again I just keep forgetting to text her back. I think I might just let this one go, my interest isn't being held very well.