First date - Who should pay?

[NG85]

So I met this girl through OKC, and earlier this week she asked me out. We met up last night and got some drinks. I paid for the first round, she paid for the second, and I paid for the third. But each time I told her it was my treat, she seemed a bit nervous...I can't really explain it. This has happened on past dates, where both myself and the girl will whip out our wallets, and it's almost like a race to see who can give the server the money first.

 

I've always assumed the guy should pay - Whenever I've told my mother I went on a date, the three questions she'd ask are "Is the girl nice? Is she cute? Did you pay?" But it seems in today's modern society, women in my age group (Mid-20's) want to pay, or go Dutch. Also, I wondered what the deal was since this girl asked ME out - Should I have let her pay?

 

This dating thing is so confusing!

[Shudder]

i think these days more and more women are fine with paying for both parties or at least going dutch. thats at least how i view it now.

[Kitkat973]

I'd say to go with whatever seems appropriate on a case-by-case basis. There can also be the implication that by allowing a man to pay, a woman is somehow 'obligated' to repay him in other ways- I could see a person being uncomfortable with the other party paying completely on a first date because of that.

[Ariel85]

I think whomever asks should pay. It's your date, your idea, and your pocketbook (or hers, in this case).

 

That being said, you'd certainly be quite the gentleman if you paid.

[Fudgie]

I'd say to go with whatever seems appropriate on a case-by-case basis. There can also be the implication that by allowing a man to pay, a woman is somehow 'obligated' to repay him in other ways- I could see a person being uncomfortable with the other party paying completely on a first date because of that.

 

I feel this way too. Sometimes guys pay and they are a total gentleman about it but some guys pay and then are like "hey you owe me", especially if the first date didn't go so great for you and you don't want to see them again. It can get awkward.

 

It seems more fair for the couple to go dutch and just pay their own fair share. No hurt feelings, no "obligations", etc.

 

When I'm in a relationship, I tend to alternate who pays (me sometimes, my boyfriend other times, etc) so it's about equal and you don't have to worry about splitting checks. I would not want a guy paying for me all the time simply because it's not fair to his wallet. I can contribute; girls don't have to be so expensive!

[Day_Walker]

I follow the rule that whoever asks should pay, and the non-asking person should always offer to pay. That just seems courteous.

[Eocsor]

The guy should always offer to pay. If she wants to pay, you offer anyway but defer to her if she insists.

[magnoliatree]

I've never paid for a first date even if I initiated it.

[RedDress]

I'm a fan of Dutch. Wait until you know me, like me and want to treat me to pay. I'll do the same.

[Fela Kuti]

Go Dutch, definitely. A worthy girl wouldn't have you paying without at least objecting first anyway.

[NG85]

Thanks for the help, guys! It's just so ingrained in my brain that the guy should pay - Dutch seems logical, although going about establishing that I want to go Dutch is the hard part.

 

The girl I was with last night was appreciative of the beers I bought, though. She thanked be several times for buying a couple rounds. It was only, like, $6 so I wasn't breaking the bank, but it was nice that she at least thanked me. I've been on dates with girls where I buy a few drinks and there's no thanks at all.

[magnoliatree]

Dutch seems logical, although going about establishing that I want to go Dutch is the hard part.

 

See that's the thing. To a lot of girls, if a guy asks them out and doesn't pay, then it's not really a date. If the girl insists on splitting/paying, let her. But insisting on going dutch could cause you problems in the long run. Not saying you should care, just feel the need to say something because I think the board is kind of skewed on this issue as most of my girlfriends expect the guy to pay on the first few dates even if they pull out their wallet and all of the guyfriends that I know insist on paying. The women aren't selfish or golddiggers, it's just an established part of courtship that a lot of people adhere to.

[Fudgie]

I think if it's something like drinks, it's not a big deal. But for a meal? You may want to go Dutch. Meals can range from $30-$40. That's a lot to blow on a first date when it's just you paying. Just mention it casually when the check comes and see what goes on.

 

A normal woman isn't going to really care if you go Dutch. It's fair, right? Honestly, if I were a guy, I'd be a bit put-off by a woman who would be like "I thought YOU were going to pay" and didn't bring ANY money herself. When I hear women complain about paying on dates, it's usually because the guy dumps the entire bill on her. Normally, people aren't going to complain about going Dutch. What is there to complain about? "I am unhappy because you did not fulfill this outdated gender role and I'm a woman, I should be treated to!" Ugh. If anything, her reaction to going Dutch may tell you what she's like. If she pitches a fit and didn't bring any money on her to pay her share, then that says a lot about who she is.

[Fudgie]

See that's the thing. To a lot of girls, if a guy asks them out and doesn't pay, then it's not really a date. If the girl insists on splitting/paying, let her. But insisting on going dutch could cause you problems in the long run. Not saying you should care, just feel the need to say something because I think the board is kind of skewed on this issue as most of my girlfriends expect the guy to pay on the first few dates even if they pull out their wallet and all of the guyfriends that I know insist on paying. The women aren't selfish or golddiggers, it's just an established part of courtship that a lot of people adhere to.

 

Sometimes I think that the sort of people who come to ENA are more progressive and fair in their way of thinking. Not always, but many times. There is a fairness here that doesn't always seem to be present elsewhere.

[magnoliatree]

I don't think she is going to complain but it won't make a good impression on a lot of girls (or their guys friends for that matter). I think a way to avoid the issue of spending a lot of money (if you aren't comfortable with it) is to make the first date something cheap like drinks or whatever you can comfortably afford.

[magnoliatree]

Sometimes I think that the sort of people who come to ENA are more progressive and fair in their way of thinking. Not always, but many times. There is a fairness here that doesn't always seem to be present elsewhere.

 

I'm not judging it at all either way, I just think that if you take this stance as a guy you should be aware that you are going to make a certain impression on a good percentage of women. It's worth mentioning so that OP can make that call.

[guynextdoor]

I don't think she is going to complain but it won't make a good impression on a lot of girls (or their guys friends for that matter). I think a way to avoid the issue of spending a lot of money (if you aren't comfortable with it) is to make the first date something cheap like drinks or whatever you can comfortably afford.

 

Reminds me of a female friend I once known. She went on a date with a male friend, not even sure its a date and when the bill came he paid his share and she was upset she had to pay her share. Man he was the talk of the town on how cheap he was.

[Fudgie]

I'm not judging it at all either way, I just think that if you take this stance as a guy you should be aware that you are going to make a certain impression on a good percentage of women. It's worth mentioning so that OP can make that call.

 

Oh most definitely. And if you aren't looking for a more traditional, "I think the men should pay" mindset in a girl, then asking to go Dutch is the perfect way to weed those women out. The ones who are looking for a free meal under the name of "tradition" will be weeded out.

 

If a woman had a visible hissy fit over paying HER share for dinner, then you probably won't want to date her. I know that's a bold statement but come on...what does that say about the woman? She's certainly not for equality, especially when that inequality benefits her (ie free meal) with nothing on her part to reciprocate. I'm sorry but in the dating world, I think men get screwed over a lot. A LOT. When a woman pitches a fit over paying for her fair share and doesn't even bring her wallet to a date, she is just another part of this unfair problem.

 

Then again, OP, if you're fine with dating any old woman, traditional or not, and you don't care about her beliefs in fairness and treating each other as equals, then pull out your wallet and spend away.

[NG85]

Yeah, I don't have a problem paying if it's for small things like drinks, or maybe the admission to a fair or museum or something. But I do agree, if a woman was to freak out at having to go Dutch, then that's a huge red flag - You're a virtual stranger and they flip out on you, imagine what she'd do when she's more comfortable with you!

 

It's like they say, you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their waiters/random strangers. You can also see how a man will treat a woman based on how he treats his mother. If he's horrible to his mother, imagine what he'd be like to you if you became part of the family!

[Alezia]

I would advise that if you do want to go dutch to make it very clear that it is a date and flirt with the person during the night. Most women will read into whether you pick up the tab or not. If she is unsure you are interested into her and ask for separate bills, don't wonder why you fall into the friends category.

 

I've had someone in the past where we would casually just wind up eating for dinner one on one. We were long term friends. He always asked for separate bills, and while he had rare flirting behaviour, it was not obvious. Then he wondered why I didn't 'clue in'. He thought we were going on dates while I thought we were just friends eating out. Usually if you pick up someone else's bill that will speak loudly about your romantic intentions (unless it's the person's birthday or something like that).

 

I prefer when the guy picks up the bill on the first date. Not really for the money, but it's more re-comforting that we are on the same page. I don't know how many people really have formal dates where one does the asking - but I've never had a restaurant date for which I was formally asked.

I will always offer if we do get a joint bill as often waiters don't ask, but if the guy lets me pay I do have a voice in the back of my head which will question his interest in me. Once we have established we are dating, then I couldn't care less about who pays.

[GhostRocket]

I'm an old fashioned guy. I always try to pay the first couple of times if I meet someone new. I think that is how it went down with my girlfriend at first. Now we take turns.

[erzerum7]

I'm an old fashioned guy. I always try to pay the first couple of times if I meet someone new. I think that is how it went down with my girlfriend at first. Now we take turns.

 

This seems like a good MO. Going Dutch is a bit cold at first but you also don't want to be used by someone for free meals.