Am I putting myself in a situation where I would cheat on my

[zwtgrl]

Hi..I just signed up today. I got desperate and need some input. This could be long, but, I will try to shorten it. I'm married to my husband for 3 years. He's 8 years older than me. He is a very nice guy and all. However, somehow during 3 years of our marriage, i just kind of fell out of love. It' s not that I don't love him or anything, but I'm not in love w/ him anymore. If you know what I mean.

 

Our marriage lacked romance. Everything is kind of boring. No surprises, sweet note, or things like that. I've been communicating this w/ him several times, but things doesn't seem to change. The problem is I'm only 27 years old and too be honest w/ you, I look pretty. I get no compliments when I look nice or anything from my husband, but, I do get compliments and attention from other guys. So, lately this had lead to problems.

 

I've started chatting online and met new friends. I also have to tell you that our job doesn't allow me to have friends. so, I'm very lonely. Sounds pathetic, I know. Anyway, I've started to develop relationships w/ my new friends. And I'm afraid that I could fall in love or getting myself possibly broken hearted as well. But, on the other side, I really need a friend and someone I can talk to. I need someone to give me some attention and just help me going through this.

 

I have never thought about divorce as it doesn't go along w/ my moral beliefs. But, I'm desperate right now in my situation. I have no more connection to my husband. Please give me some advice as to what I should do. Thank's

[hurtabandoned]

Talk to your husband and tell him how much this is bothering you. Pulling away from him is not going to fix the problems that you are having. He may not even be aware that there is a problem that needs fixing. He probably has just gotten comfortable in your marriage(this tends to happen).

 

Keep this in mind - relationships tend to change over the course of time. The feelings that people often feel in the early stages of a relationship (the falling in love stage), may change and feel less intense. That doesn't mean that there is no love there. It's just different.

 

There's nothing wrong with online chatting as long as you are aware of the boundaries. You should also not be hiding any of these conversations from your husband. If something is being said that you wouldn't want him to read then you or your online friend/s have crossed the line and you need to end it there.

[Mun]

Hi there and welcome!

If you are asking for advice then you already know there is a problem. I would advise you to limit the online chatting or at least keep it within a certain context. Do not go beyond the cordial and proper behavior for a married woman. (I know this sounds Victorian but I think you know what I mean). Just because you are behind a computer screen does not mean you can and should forget values and morals.

 

I understand how you feel about having no friends. Maybe you can try joining a class like cake decorating, wood working, computers or arts and crafts, or joining a local book club--where there is sure to be many women. These you can sometimes find online or through your local library or bookstore. They will provide you with opportunity to create new friendships and you will have some fun too.

 

Your relationship with your husband needs some work, but you can't do it alone. He must be willing to accept there is a problem and work with you to fix it. I'll pm you about this.

 

Good luck

[James_533]

Hi there I too am new here and new with this. I am not married but have been a great observer in many married lives in my short life time. I have just recently seen 5 friends get married in the past year and have helped each of them realize what will beexpected in their marriage. I do agree with hurt&abandoned. Women know that men aren't aware of womens feelings and really don't know how to deal with women. Communication is always great in a relationship. If your husband can't accept your needs and wishes then it is his loss. You could try marriage counselling it may help, but try it if communication doesn't help you first.

 

Hopefully I have been some help.

 

Good luck!!

[shyanne]

hi there,

i'm new today too. i was just reading your story and thought you sound alot like me. i too am married and have been with the same man for 17years now. i have been considering cheating for about a year now and haven't yet done it but i really think i will. i've tryed to talk it out with my husband and i'm tired of talking and getting no where. like your husband, my husband never tells me i look good and doesn't seem to care where i go and what i do. sex for me is maybe once a month and thats if i come on to him. what is a women to do? i say, lets get it elsewhere however, you must first be careful and remember its just sex unless you want to leave. i wouldn't leave, although he doesn't pay any attention to me or have lots of sex with me, i know he truly loves me. us ladys need sex too so you have to do what you have to do. just don't put your self down by sleeping with lots of men, find that one guy you really think is hot and remember , don't get attached to him be strong.

 

 

i hope things get better for you

[hurtabandoned]

shyanne,

 

As someone who has been on the recieving end of an affair, I want to caution you. Cheating is not something that you can take back once it has happened.

 

You may do this and think that it's just sex but trust me it isn't. An affair causes real pain...lots of it. You say your husband truly loves you. If that's the case then don't do that to him. Find some other way - go to counselling.

 

If you go through with it what you will find is that it didn't fix anything, it just caused more problems.

[annieo]

zwtgirl and shyanne,

Cheating is not the answer! If things are truly bad and unfixable then you tell your spouse and end the marriage. ZWT I don't know how your moral values would allow an affair and not divorce.

My husband thought cheating was the answer to our problems and I can tell you I would have preferred him telling me he was as unhappy as he was. NOTHING justifies cheating. If you tell your spouse that things have to get fixed or it's over I'm willing to bet that they will see how bad things are and then they can choose to make it work or not. If not then you are free to be with someone else. Being cheated on is finding out that everything you believed in was a lie. I felt that I had been living a life that was totally false when I found out. Worse pain of my life and I would hope that you would not want to be the kind of person who could do that to someone.

[Mike_Wazowski]

I'm sure you are pretty..but the only reason other guys are saying that is they wanna get in your pants! Nothing more, nothing less! And since you are married, some guys get an extra thrill out of doing it with a married woman.

 

Tell your husband your feelings abot how you need More attention and more romance....if he still doesn't then it's time to get divorced!

 

You said divorce isn't in your moral belief! I would love to know what faith rejects divorce but promotes cheating????? I wanna join! NOT!

[Mike_Wazowski]

MY GOD IN HEAVEN! ShyAnne...you are actually promoting Cheating????

 

As you said...woman have a reason why they cheat.....So I guess your reason is 'Hubby's not giving you enough'

 

So hey...why not cheat on him....become a prostitute!

 

Good thinking!! NOT!

[Scout]

ZWT I don't know how your moral values would allow an affair and not divorce.

 

Excellent point, I wondered the same thing myself.

 

To answer your question, are you putting yourself in a situation where you could potentially cheat? Absolutely you are. So stop it now before it happens.

 

Mike - please tone it down just a wee bit. You aren't exactly flaming in your last post, but I can see where it might head that way. Also, you've admitted in previous posts you yourself have cheated on your significant other, so I would expect to see a little more empathy (not tolerance, of course) from you. I know you really regret your cheating, and that's where the strong feelings are coming from.

 

- Scout

[Mike_Wazowski]

Ok Scout.....I'll tone my posts down..I just have so much anger inside of me cause I was so stupid to get involved with another woman..and I'm taking it out on others...If I have offended anybody......I'm sorry!

[shyanne]

really, mike this is your second time chewing me out. whats with that? maybe i speak the truth and that bugs you. anyway, being a hooker and cheating on your husband is two different things. so if women who cheat are hookers then what are men? seems when men cheat its not that big of a deal well whats good for men is good for women. i never said lets sleep with every men out there but women need and like sex too. keep your women happy and maybe she wouldn't think about cheating. all depends of the women but most women don't cheat if thier happy in their whole relationship. whole meaning everything not just sex.

 

no big deal mike, i just felt like replying back to you so you know that i did read what you said. oh and mike, you don't want to get me started so enough said.

[Scout]

Shyanne...he apologized. It wasn't necessary to add more fuel to the fire with your last post. I know you both have strong opinions (so do I!), but let's treat each other with some respect and maybe even a little more tolerance when someone's views differ from our own. That's something we strive to do on eNotalone, and it really sets us apart from other Internet sites where verbal abuse runs rampant.

 

Thanks.

[Day_Walker]

I have a problem with your use of "in love" as aposed to love. I can understand the concept but i disagree with it. I dont see how there are two different kinds of love. Being "in love" i would suspect isnt actually love its an elevated emotional state euphoria if you will. Since this is only an emotional state it cannot last. You are lying to yourself if you feel that you have to be in this elevated emotional state (your term would be "in love") the entire length of your relationship. "In love" is a way of saying that things are new and exciting and I cant wait to find out more about you. Its not realistic to have these kind of ideas about love.

 

But to answer your question you are putting yourself in situations where you could potential cheat. Internally you realize that you are craving that "in love" feeling so you are looking for a new person to make you feel that way.

[american dream]

Day_Walker,

If you could see me, I am standing up and clapping for your comments. Well said old bean!

[shereen]

i have the same problem that you have,,,and i tryed every thing you could ever think but he won't change...

[Crwnryl_13]

curiosity is something that can get us in tourble some times. One thing that you should remember si that you got married for a reason, on that day that you got married you would have donne anything for your relationship.

My wife and I were in a similar situation and if you have tried talking but no one is listening is because the communication is not there. If your relationship is worth saving then sit down and TALK it out, if you feel this way perhaps your husband feels the same way he just does not know how to aproach the situation.

Once you start communicating you will develop a stronger relationship and believe me sex will be great, if you know exactly what your partner likes or dislikes its just amazing, believe me.

The way I look at my relationship is that my wife is my best friend, If I cannot trust her then who should I trust......... life is not an easy ride, you need some one to be there when you need an extra hand.

But if it does not work out then you will at least know that you tried....and look for that special one if this one is not.

[shereen]

really i know what you mean but the thing is we talk and talk and talk but nothing happeneds, and i really do love my husband and i really wanna work it out , but if you know that the persone that you live with will never gonna change , because it's too late for him to change he is 46 and i am 25 .

he got his own problems and he share it with me in an indirect way like , he dosn't say any sweet words to me coz he's pissed off from something , something wrong with the sex and he wasn't like that and i know that he dosn't have a problem .

really i don't know what to do...i tryed to talk if you have anything else i can do just tell me and i'm willing to try it....

[OceanEyes]

i have the same problem that you have,,,and i tryed every thing you could ever think but he won't change...

 

Oh boy do I know what this feels like. To try and try and try - talking and arguing and getting absolutely nowhere but creating animousity between the two of you and driving yourself further away.

 

This may sound pessimistic, but some people simply will not change. If they can't see the error of their ways or accept that there are difficult problems that they need to deal with, then I'm sorry, but you're going to get absolutely NOWHERE with a person like this. If you keep saying the same things to a person and they keep saying, "I just don't see the problem!", then I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Your husband must recognize that there are issues within your relationship that you are not satisfied with in order for there to be change. If someone doesn't even know where they're going wrong, they can't fix it. I know this because I spent the last 6 months of a 2-year relationship trying to tell my man how unhappy I was, and the whole time, he never understood what the heck I was talking about, would never take any responsibility, was emotionally lazy, etc. It did result in infidelity (on my part) and me leaving him and being much happier for it.

 

I think before you actually cheat on your husband, to really try to get through to him one last, and real, time. Bring everything up when you're both calm (NEVER when you're upset - you're not as credible and he'll think you're hysterical), and explain to him everything that you want to change. Accept half of the responsibility and don't blame. Make him feel loved and appreciated for what he already does, but try to let him know (gently) that you've started to feel very disconnected to him because there are certain things lacking.

[Joe Cool]

a LOT of married women in their mid 20's to 30's cheat and a LOT more would if the right situation presented itself. After the wedding, they settle in to a routine, lose the spark and the relationship becomes boring. A lot of these women still "love" their husbands but are desparate for that special touch that excites them.

 

The problem is that most women can't have "just sex" repeatedly with the same guy. Feelings inevitably get involved and that's when the whole situation becomes more complicated.

 

Trust me, I speak from experience.

[shereen]

i will never cheat on my husband but i'm trying to find a way that i can work things out..

[shereen]

i mean i will never gonna cheat on my husband