dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 i understand where you are coming from, BUT he never explained to me when we first got together what his living situation was. i never even knew these people existed. it just seems like he should understand why i hate the situation. but i know he never will so i guess there's really nothing else i can say/do about it just keep my mouth shut like i always do and be in a house full of people that are complete assholes to me for no reason, while he sits there and lets them do it. Why wouldn't you have asked him, though? "Hey, so, do you like on your own? Do you rent or do you own a house?" Surely you would have know that in the early dating stages, and if not, then why not? That's how you figure out whether you are compatible with someone. Can you give examples of how the family treats you? I think counselling is the only option. Delay the wedding until the counsellor gives you the all clear. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 the family has never said anything mean to my face, but the ex has. the family has never looked me in the eye or even said "hey" to me. i would always speak to them and be very friendly, invite them to hang out, do everything i could to make it work so that things could be good for the living situation, but they never reciprocated, so i gave up. they are nice and friendly to everyone but me. every time they see me, or ever have, they will (especially the woman) bury their noses in their cell phone and start texting and just act like i'm invisible. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 This isn't about these people but, the fact that he doesn't stick up for you. This is a much bigger issue and I would question his lack of action. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 yeah. it has always really bothered me that he hasn't stuck up for me. he has told me that he has questioned them before about their actions but that they didn't have much to say, so he pretty much said "screw you" to them. but why wouldn't he move out!? he has not made me hang out with them in a long time and he rarely talks about them, but having him in that house is just as bad as hanging with them if not worse! i just wish i had not said anything tonight and let it go. he mentioned her name and it set me off. why did this * * * * have to happen? : ( Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 This isn't about these people but, the fact that he doesn't stick up for you. This is a much bigger issue and I would question his lack of action. Yeah....that part makes me mad too. He just seems so insensitive. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I don't think you're looking at the big picture and are solely focusing on these fools. I would seriously address some counseling to get to the bottom of this. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 what do you mean by the big picture? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 That he is being insensitive to your feelings and not defending you. This is not about them, and could affect many other areas of your life together. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i see what you mean. i really, really want us to go to counseling. i heard him talking on the phone to his dad the other day when he was sitting right next to me and he was talking about them saying he still lives with them and how "they need him to pay rent." that is why i feel like he stays there to help them out. they are lazy and pathetic, in their thirties and still not on their own two feet. my fiance is a good person with a big heart, but i often feel like he feels TOO sorry for people and goes too far to help them, especially since i don't feel that he should be helping people that are so mean, anyway! then, he said later to his dad that he has "plenty of extra money that he doesn't need." i just wanted to say, "then use it to move out!" but i didn't because i knew it would cause a huge fight. well, looks like we got in one anyway. : ( Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Sorry, but your fiance doesn't sound like he has a big heart at all. If he had a big heart, he would care for YOU - his fiancee. Organise counselling for either yourself or both of you. There really is no other way. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 this morning he had only sent me one text, saying "i agree" to what i said about we have to figure something out. and he had changed his facebook picture from one of the two of us to one of just him. he always does that when we get in a fight. somehow he had the time to be on facebook and write other people and change his picture, but not say anything to me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 He sounds very Passive Aggressive, manipulative and immature. Is this someone you want to move forward with? What is he, 16? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 You're setting a very bad pattern for letting him get away with this behavior. You need to instill some boundaries, or how in the world can you marry this person? If you have a fight as married couple, will he shut you out and delete you from FB! Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 after these two years, i wish SO much that i had told him from the beginning, "you have to move out or i can't be with you." but i had no idea all this * * * * was going to happen. he texted me a little while ago and said he wants to come over after work and "talk about last night." i really do not know what to say, because there is so much! and i just know he's going to blow up! do i need to seriously say, "either you move out or we aren't going to work?" i feel like if i say that, he's just going to break up with me. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i don't get how he has always been the sweetest, greatest guy to me EXCEPT for in this situation. this is the one thing that sets him off. i don't get it! it changes him into a completely different person. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I think he's ashamed of being stuck in his living situation. Claiming that he's doing it to help them out, telling his dad he has a lot of money...it sounds like overcompensation, to me. I think he's legitimately stuck living with them, due to finances. Think about it in terms of cause and effect: 1. You want him to stand up for you. 2. He does, and the result is that he gets kicked out. 3. ???? He's homeless, as he can't move in with you, as you're not willing to cross your parents. (Parents are like children, incidentally--give an inch and they'll take a mile. If they're controlling you over this today, god only knows how they'll try to control you tomorrow.) That could be why he hasn't moved out. That could be why this is the one area where he seems off--because he knows what could happen if he loses his current living arrangements. Whether my theory is correct or not, you're the one in a position to fix this. Let him move in with you (and help out financially, obviously), and if his behavior changes, then you know it wasn't him, but rather the situation he was in. It's lot better to figure that out now, as opposed to after you get married. I'm sure your parents won't be happy, but they probably won't be happy if you quickly get divorced, either. And living to make your parents happy will just make you miserable. Link to comment
truegrit Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Maybe he's living with these people for the same reason your living with your people??? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Blue Spiral made a good point. It could be that he is staying with these people for financial reasons of his own. It is easier to say he is doing it for them when he is really doing it for himself. He would not be the first man to lie about his financial situation. Please let us know how "The Talk" goes........chi Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 the talk went horribly. he said he needs a day to think things through but that it's not about it its'a bout everything else he is stressed about: family, job, not sleeping. he hugged me but it felt weird. also when he said he loved me. he didn't kiss me at all. should i just end it with him? i feel like the insensitivity about his friends he's always made me suffer through isn't something you do to someone you love. also, he said we spend so much time together that we never have anything to talk about, and that we are too PDA. um, all we do is hold hands, and not even all the time. my mom says that him saying that is a red flag. please help. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I think if you don't end it, then he will soon anyway. If you don't end it, then you both must go to counselling sessions. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Hi wicked6018, No I would not end it. Since he is having all these things stressing him out it might be even a more oportune time to bring up the counselling to him. It really seems like he would benefit from counseling. If you can get counseling in the mix I think that you will be ok. The counselor gives the two of you things for you to both work on. One thing I learned when I had to take a group class for my chemical dependency certificate is when you are asked a question that could incite opposition or disagreement, it is best to pause for 30 seconds before replying. This little rule is helpful in that it prevents you from saying something that could set your partner off. One woman in the class said her husband asked her why it took her so long to answer his questions. She just told him that I really want to answer your question in such a way that you will understand what I am saying. The key is getting him into counseling because that is where you get to put forth the things that disturb you i.e. his insensitivity. I think it is important to understand that he is so stressed out that he is not himself right now. I would urge him to go to counseling for all these stressors in his llfe right now. Tell him once he gets a handle on those problems that you would like to join him with the counselor for couple counseling to work on your joint problems. Don't worry about the way he acted during the talk. As I said, he is not himself right now. He told you he loves you, and I am sure he does. Sometimes the road is rocky in a marriage too. In fact, when I think about it, I think every marriage has its ups and downs at times. At times one partner is stronger than the other and lifts the other partner up. Another time it is the other partner doing the lifting up.I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. So here goes...I tell my husband,I know we have these problems but I love you more than you will ever know and I think that we can work through these problems together. You are getting married so you need to start thinking of working together to resolve any issues that interferes with each other's happiness. I really don't see that the talk went so terrible. He poured his heart out to you, if you think about it. That is something that IMO men have a problem with is expressing what is bothering them, their problems. It is as though it is not manly to talk about them as they perceive it as a weakness. So, anyway, don't be discouraged. What you are experiencing is what occurs in a marriage, so you are just getting a preview. This is all going to work out sweetie... Link to comment
Java731 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I agree with chi. I think it's easy for us outsiders to say "just leave him," or call it quits, even though the main reason for saying them is to help you. I can tell from your posts that you love your boyfriend very much, so it wouldn't hurt to give it all you got while you still can; and that is to go into counseling. After your talk with him, it's pretty clear that he has other issues present in his life, not just your relationship with him. And the fact that he's having problems with you isn't helping him at all either. He's most likely confused and very stressed out, just as you are. It would be wise to give him some space and let him think, while you do the same. This chance will most likely either better your relationship or break your relationship. It may better your relationship, because you both can take the time to review your relationship- communication, emotions, etc. and figure out a way to work out the problems. It may break your relationship, because either you or him (or both) may find limits within yourselves to realize that there are certain things that you just can't do for the other person. So no compromise would be made. I really do hope it's the first one, but before I say anything else, counseling is strongly advised before marriage. Meanwhile, stay strong Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 i suggested counseling to him during the talk, and he was not for it. he said, "if you want to pay for it, fine, but i'm not spending money on someone that's just going to tell us what we want or don't want to hear." this is not the kind, sensitive man i met that was willing to do anything to make me happy. i saw on facebook today that some of his friend had written some weird things about him, and he had "liked" the comments. he told me straight out yesterday that he doesn't feel like the people he lives with have ever wronged me. he is so blinded to it it's insane. he said "i feel like the only thing that would make you happy would be if i stopped being friends with them and i'm not going to do that." to me, it would be so easy to give up a friendship if the friend had hurt him so much. he is so defensive about them, they obviously are not ever going away, he won't ever take my side on this, and i just don't feel like i can deal with these people the rest of my life. they are here to say. if i were to say "it's either them or me," he wouldn't be able to pick me. if he truly loved me, he would. during the talk he said he think we need to "watch the ettiquite we have toward each other while we are in a group." by this he means PDA. i find this disturbing because all we ever do is hold hands. if he wants less than that, i don't think he wants this relationship. he should be happy and proud for others to know that i am his girl, like he used to be. he said he's sick of us calling each other pet names in public. i just think it's off. like he doesn't want to be seen with me. he said he blames me that he is stuck in this state because he was ready to move, then he met me so i stayed. he can NOT blame me for his situation. i never knew that and i didn't make him stay. his mom called me last night, and she was shocked at some of the things he said, especially that last one. she said he was already planning to stay here because of the band that he's is. and after she said that, i remembered. so, he straight up lied to me. he certainly does not act like a man in love, or even a person that cares the least bit about my feelings. i think it's time to end it. he can stay in that house and with those people and they can be one happy little family. and i'm sure the next girl he's with, they will be so warm and welcoming to her and they will all get along. that's just my luck and the kind of people they are, they just screwed me over. BUT, even though the problem came from them, i don't blame THEM for this, i blame HIM. he's the one that never showed the least bit of compassion to me in the situation. he's the one that couldn't let go of his loyalties to them. he should've manned up. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I think it says a great deal that he refuses to go to counseling. He is immature, manipulative and has serious communication issues. He does not stand up for you, will not respond to communication and deletes you from FB. How in the world can you move forward with a marriage if someone acts like a big baby. I hope that he will be receptive to counseling if he knows he can no longer manipulate you. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 so what do i do???? do i keep tryin g with this man: the man i have loved so much and given my heart to, but has changed so much? do i push counseling, or do i just end it????? Link to comment
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