wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 if you haven't read my last post entitled "help" you won't know what i'm talking about here. so, tonight really sucked. it was my night to shine. the night of a BIG presentation that i have been working on for MONTHS. i go to my fiance's to pick him up for it, and i have to see her, (my fiance's ex's sister, he lives with her and her husband). that ticks me off in itself. then, as soon as we get in the car to leave, he has to start talking about her, i mean just small talk about her. i don't say anything. i never do. so after a very long night of my presentation, i drop him off, and he asks me what is up with me. i tell him that i don't want to talk about it because we will just get into a fight. he forces it out of me. after telling him some other things that were bothering me that night, (which he was fine with me venting about them, of course) i tell him, "as soon as i get to your house i have to see her, and then you start talking about her on the way there." he goes COMPLETELY nuts. SO mad at me. he told me we'd talk about it later, he loved me, and got out of the car. i just don't understand. this woman and her family have been complete assholes to me. i thought he understood not to bring her up ever. it's bad enough having to see her. you'd think he'd be a little understanding of the fact that i HATE his living situation and that it makes me VERY uncomfortable. i can't say anything about it, or especially anything about her, without him getting extremely upset. i don't know what to do anymore. it's something that we will never come to an agreement on. please help. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I think that you are justified in feeling the way that you do. I don't understand how he cannot see how he would not like it if the situation were in reverse. You are living with your ex's family and the ex's family talks about you to him. I just don't get how he can't see this would be disturbing to you. Of all the places that he can live, why does he need to live with his ex's family??? If he was living anywhere else this situation would not hapen. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 yeah, exactly. and we've been together almost two years. SO many arguments would not have happened if he didn't live with them. and i just don't get why he is so defensive when i say anything about her/any of them. please keep writing me. i am really depressed about all this, PLEASE give me some advice. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 If I was in your shoes I would enlist the help of a therapist. I am not suggesting that you need a therapist because YOU have a problem, but a therapist can help you deal with his strange outlook on this situation. I would go to the therapist with the thought that she will want to speak with him also to get more to the heart of the dynamics as to what is going on here. Maybe a therapist can get through his thick skull. (This is what happened in a personal experience of my own) Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i have no idea why he won't move. chi, thanks for your advice. i have many times desired to go to a therapist for this problem, but i just don't know if he would. therapists cost money, which we do not have. and it worries me that we have such a big problem that we need therapy. i want us to work out, but this hell of a problem has always been the huge bump in our relationship, and why if we are insimilar situations someday? i don't know how to deal with this forever. it is PAINFUL that he doesn't see my point of view and he never has. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 also, after he stormed out of the car tonight, he did not call or text me at all all night. what does this mean? he always calls or texts. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Is he passive aggressive? When are you getting married? Don't contact him. Leave him be. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 If he hasn't ever seen your point of view, why are you sticking around hoping that he will change (and that is what you are doing)? When people show you who they are, you must believe them. Ideally, you should have said to him, "it seems that you still have strong ties with your ex. If those ties ever get cut for good, look me up. Otherwise I need to move on to someone that is more emotionally available." It's not too late to say that, then cut him off. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 well, i know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is not involved with his ex. when he broke up with her a LONG time ago, he remained friends with her sister. i do not ever worry about him cheating on me, especially with his ex or his sister. SO now what am supposed to do??? Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 meant to say "with his ex or HER sister." he has claimed for a long time that he is no longer friends with his ex's sister, because of how i feel about her, but he is still living in that house, so that seems pretty friendly to me! Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 But he isn't taking your feelings into consideration by staying in touch with her family. Whether or not he is cheating on you is irrelevant. It could be a case of him being good friends with an ex's family or he isn't emotially available, but it sounds like he isn't going to change or cut ties with them for you, so you can either learn to live with it, or you can find someone that is not so close to their ex's family. It doesn't sound like you'd ever truly be ok with it, so the best thing to do is probably leave. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i can't do that; i love him. we are supposed to get married next summer and he knows that i am NOT ok with ANYONE living with us and he has agreed with that. i swear, other that this huge problem, we have never had any others. always been perfect except for this. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 i can't do that; i love him. we are supposed to get married next summer and he knows that i am NOT ok with ANYONE living with us and he has agreed with that. i swear, other that this huge problem, we have never had any others. always been perfect except for this. Why are you two not living together on your own? Love isn't enough if you aren't compatible and is no reason to stay. Nothing will change after you get married. Your problems are not going to magically disappear. So what are you going to do about it? I would delay any wedding plans and book BOTH of you into pre-marital counselling ASAP. If he refuses to go, then find yourself a counsellor. If not, then you will be divorced very soon afterwards or you will be miserable. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 we aren't living together because my family is strongly against that, and they would disown me if we did that. i really, really hope that he will be willing to do pre-marital counseling. i have always felt that this situation needs it. i am so depressed about all this right now, i just feel like i'm going to throw up and my head is killing me. i just want to sleep but can't because of this. and why has he not texted/called me since all this? i am sure he is asleep because he gets up very early for work, but still, shouldn't he have said something??? anything??? Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Some, including me, would say that you don't truly know someone until you live with them. You don't really know him if you haven't yet spent every day and night with him. Why isn't he able to move somewhere else? The situation is just really strange. So, as I said, what about counselling? You need to delay the wedding until you can get both of you to counselling. If he won't go, then break up with him because he would essentially be sweeping the issue under the rug. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 i can't do that; i love him. we are supposed to get married next summer and he knows that i am NOT ok with ANYONE living with us and he has agreed with that. i swear, other that this huge problem, we have never had any others. always been perfect except for this. Now that I know that you are getting married in one year, it seems this specific problem will disappear because is has already been establlshed that you and he will live together. No one else. BUT, what concerns me is that he fails to see that he is doing something that is hurtful to you. There is no guarantee that he will not repeat this same, hurtful behavior---just with a different issue in the future. So even if this present situation gets eliminated, there is always the possibiility of a repeat performance on his part. That is why I think therapy is truly the only solution to this problem..... chi Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i would live with him, but i don't want to risk the relationship i have with me family, so i'm not. i just feel like if he lived ANYWHERE else, we would be so much better. and i mean, even if he did live with these people but would at least AGREE with me that they are * * * * * es, that would make it better! about a year ago we were dealing with a different problem, and i suggested counseling, and he was all for it. we resolved the issue on our own so we didn't ever go. But this situation i feel is so bad that we really need it. i guess all i can do is tell him i feel we need counseling and if he loves me he'll be willing to do that. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I just don't get why he doesn't get it. It almost seems his actions are deliberate because anyone else can see how this would be a hurtful situation for you. Why would he want to subject you to that? Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Now that I know that you are getting married in one year, it seems this specific problem will disappear because is has already been establlshed that you and he will live together. No one else. BUT, what concerns me is that he fails to see that he is doing something that is hurtful to you. There is no guarantee that he will not repeat this same, hurtful behavior---just with a different issue in the future. So even if this present situation gets eliminated, there is always the possibiility of a repeat performance on his part. That is why I think therapy is truly the only solution to this problem..... chi So if the problem is solved, he will only approach future problems in the same way - sticking his head in the sand, not compromising. This is a taste of what is to come, do you can't say that we didn't warn you. Also, who is to say that even if you two did move in together after you get married, that your partner wouldn't continue being in touch with his ex/his ex's family? That is what counselling is for - so that you two can, with the help of a counsellor, discuss appropriate boundaries and learn conflict resolution. If he doesn't want to do that, then he is telling you with his actions that this issue is not important enough to bother with. Was he staying with his ex's family when you started dating him? Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i have no idea. he has proved his love for me time and time again in other ways and in some really tough situations. he has been there for me through thick and thin...yet this has always been between us. it kills me and it has NEVER gotten any easier even after two years. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 yes, he was living with them for about two years before we started dating. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 yes, he was living with them for about two years before we started dating. Then why are you complaining? If you weren't happy with the situation and that is how it was before you entered the picture, what gives you the right to tell him to move out? If his relationship with his ex's family was as it is when you started dating, then you should have either accepted it, or stopped dating him so that you can be with someone that isn't so close to his ex's family, if you didn't like it. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 i understand where you are coming from, BUT he never explained to me when we first got together what his living situation was. i never even knew these people existed. it just seems like he should understand why i hate the situation. but i know he never will so i guess there's really nothing else i can say/do about it just keep my mouth shut like i always do and be in a house full of people that are complete assholes to me for no reason, while he sits there and lets them do it. Link to comment
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