so hurt. please help

[Hollyj]

If you push counseling, he will resent it and not benefit from it.

 

If it were me, I would tell him what my concerns are-don't harp on the roommate situation because I don't really think this is your issue-and that we need a break until he wishes to address your problems professionally. He has to want it, or there will be no growth.

 

Just to reiterate the issues terrible communication, manipulation and emotional immaturity. You may love him but, if you address these issues, the relationship will never work.

 

I'm still blown away by the FB thing! How old is he?

[wicked6018]

almost 25. to me, with the way he has started to treat me, counseling isn't worth it. it's not worth it to me to try to make things work with someone that can clearly hurt me so much. it's clear to me how much my feelings and happiness mean to him, and that i am not first in his life. no way he is ready for marriage.

[Hollyj]

I agree he is not ready for marriage.

 

You have to do what's best for you! Please remember to establish boundaries in the beginning and be attentive to red flags, as it will save you much unhappiness.

 

I wish you the best with your decision. Be strong!

[wicked6018]

i'll try. i seriously have no one else. he was my best friend, and through him, so many enemies came into my life. The couple he lives with, his ex girlfriend, the entire family, friends of theirs. i have really dealt with a lot of * * * * . is the fact that he can't see that a red flag??? i think so.

[Hollyj]

Don't you have family and other friends?

 

It is not healthy to make someone your entire life. Maybe this will be you inspiration to get out and be more social: Try volunteering, classes, Meet ups. Do something to to make your life more full. No one else is responsible for your happiness but, you!

[wicked6018]

i have family and two friends: i never see either of them because of distance. i try so hard to have friends but it doesn't work. and frankly, this is all i can think about now. i just wish i could kill myself, but i'd never do that to my family. if he's making me feel so awful, to the point that i want to die, he's not worth it, right?

[Hollyj]

No one is worth dying for. No One!!!!

 

The way I got over my ex was getting involved in things. The busier you are the less time you have to obsess over this guy. Get out of the house and do something. As I mentioned before, the biggest part of the problem is that you have made this guy your entire life. No one should ever do this, you need your own friends and interests.

 

Go out and do something!!!

[wicked6018]

how am i supposed to go out and do anything when i have no one to do it with??? i didn't have any more friends when i started dating him than i do now, though i have tried so, SO hard. it depresses me in itself to try so hard to make friends and get nothing in return. also, i really don't want to go out into town and run the risk of seeing him or any of his friends. i guess the way we are talking now, i've about decided to end it. i just hink he's immature and can't man up! there are things in his life more important than me!

[Hollyj]

Go online and check out link removed. Look into volunteer work and classes.

 

You are responsible for your own life. One of the biggest issues is that you have become so dependent on him.

 

Sounds like you are making some bad choices if you don't trust people. Look into events where you can share your interests with others.

 

Help yourself. Don't make yourself a victim!

[wicked6018]

yeah, i try. trust me. i try. maybe after we've broken up, God will send some new people into my life. or maybe, i'll just have to be lonely for a really long time. no matter what happens, i can't stop living because i have a family that loves me. i'll just have to wake up every morning, cry every day, and think about him. for a long time. i don't know how my heart is going to bear this and how long it will take me to heal. it will be a long time. i just boxed up all his things and i have the ring ready to give back to him. this is crushing me. and the thing is, even though we've always had the big issue, all this just came on so suddenly. i would appreciate any more replies because, if for nothing else, if there is no more advice to give me, i just need to know that there is someone out there in the world that gives a damn about me. i just can't get through this on my own.

[Hollyj]

Talk to your family and your girlfriends.

 

I cannot emphasize how important it is to make these changes. I too, lacked a social life after the ex but, I knew I would go crazy if I didn't get out and do something. I joined everything I had an interest in, the result was, I have a more fulfilling life and many new and wonderful friends. I had to make the effort, it did not come to my front door. As I said before, YOU are the one who is responsible.

 

I know it must be very difficult packing everything up. Does he know what is going on?

[wicked6018]

i'm not sure. i don't know what is going on with him. he texted me last night and this morning. someone on this site told me that a guy willing to bring me into a hostile territory and not stick up for my feelings is not relationsihp material. I agree. I'd love to change him on that, but i've been trying for nearly two years and can't forever. I went to link removed like you suggested, but there really isn't anything in my area.

[Hollyj]

Look into volunteer work. There are always options. What are your interests?

 

Hon, you cannot ever expect someone to change. It is not fair to them or you. This guy has to want to change for himself without the influence of you, or he will be resentful.

[chitown9]

Wow! I go to sleep and wake up and check this site. In the meanwhile all this comes out. Nope!! I don't see you marrying this guy now. Actually, I don't see him being able to be with anyone in a relationship now. Even his own mother is shocked by him now. If I believed in withcraft I would attribute this change in him to a spell put on him by you know who. I think that he his conflicted as to his outlook on you. Yeah...I would end it. The only good thing I can say about this situation is that you DID NOT MARRY HIM, or have a child with him. OMG, can you imagine that??

 

What is your life like outside of him? Are you working or going to school? I am wondering if it would be feasible to for you to move to where your family and friends are...you so much need their love and support right now. Is relocation a possiblility for you? This would be such a good thing for you to do because it will be easier to move on and leave these morons behind, not worrying if you might run into them in town.

 

I am so sorry that this took such a nose dive. All you can do now is pick yourself up, dust yourself off. and start all over again. Please stay in touch...most people on this site are very insightful and genuinely care. Some people have started journels on this site and they have found it helpful to vent there and get compassion from others who post on the journel. Yes, sweetie. We do care....so please keep coming back....

 

I am so sorry that he was a major disappointment to you..

[Java731]

Well, this changes things a bit, or a lot I should say.

You definitely don't want to push him into counseling if he's already developed such negative feelings towards it.

I have to say, it shocks me to hear him say "if you want to pay for it, fine, but i'm not spending money on someone...."

I thought he had money he doesn't need, and is in the position where he's helping out his friends by paying rent?? Yet, he sees counseling (that may benefit your relationship) as a waste of money?? It's now clear that he's not willing to put in the work, the time, or the money to even try to make your relationship work. He doesn't want it as much as you do.

You're right when you say the problems comes from Him and not Them.

He's not giving 100% and who knows if he has ever?

 

It seems though that you have realized what an inconsiderate, insensitive boyfriend he is to you, and you're not willing to have that.

During your relationship with him, did you ever feel like you were with him for the wrong reasons?

For example, since you don't have many friends in the area, you were letting yourself be dependent on this guy, therefore, he became your "everything"?

If so, this may be a chance for you to focus on yourself and cater to your happiness.

Don't let others control your happiness; learn to be happy by yourself.

I think that's the road to true happiness.

 

Don't miss out on good opportunities because you feel like you don't have someone to do things with.

You can always start alone. And people with the same interests may naturally come to you or vise versa.

[wicked6018]

thanks for the replies, everyone. it makes tears come to my eyes to know that people care. i am going to post an update since this thread is getting so long.