Drug addict/Alcoholic boyfriend

[Rah25]

My boyfriend is a drug addict/alcoholic...he's fallen of the wagon numerous times and I have stuck by for the last eight months. He is very angry, and aggressive..and basically sucks as a boyfriend all around. I'm 25....he's 26. Basically I feel trapped. I've broken up with him a good number of times but he keeps reeling his way back in.

 

I just feel alone. I really don't want anyone saying i'm stupid - i know i am...or i should run, i know i should. I just feel alone. My self esteems shattered. Anyone up for saying something nice..i type this as i sit here in tears...because i know what mess i'm in.

 

I could just use a friend...

[listed]

Hey... I'm kind of a minor alcoholic myself and I'd just say it's obvious he needs help and really needs to commit himself to recovery. You shouldn't be with him though if you're not happy and if he's reeling his way back in then you shouldn't be in contact with him. He's not your responsibility.

[Capricorn3]

Basically I feel trapped. I've broken up with him a good number of times but he keeps reeling his way back in.

He can only keep reeling his way back in if YOU allow him to. Ask yourself WHY you stay with him, WHY you allow him to treat you this way and WHY you keep taking him back?

 

Remember, you don't have to stay trapped. You have choices and the best choice right now would be to end the "relationship" once and for all and walk away, forever. Don't look back. Then you work on your own self esteem and get metally healthy. Perhaps counselling would be helpful to help you understand why you remain in this destructive/dysfunctional situation.

 

Good luck.

[Rah25]

I don't know why. I called a counsellor last week - appointment for July 5th. I know I have the problem, because anyone else would have walked away months ago.

 

Thanks..for giving honest advice, without judging me. I apprecite that.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

Have you asked yourself if you're angry because you can't change him?

[shes2smart]

Oh, honey, I spent about 5 years doing that dance with someone matching the same description. That was back, oh, 94-99ish.

 

What finally smacked me upside the head was writing in my journal and making the realization that I'd spent about 2/3 of the time I'd known him trying to break up with him....and the next line I wrote that I didn't want to be sitting there in another year writing that I'd spent about 75% of the time I'd known him trying to break up with him.

 

Permanently removing him from my life was one of the most difficult things I'd done to that point...and I felt about a 1/2 inch tall and pretty well worthless afterward. I was angry and bitter for awhile. (A period I call my "bitter man hatin' phase").

 

Counseling helped. A lot. I had a really good therapist. She helped me change my thinking.

 

You might also want to look into some materials on co-dependence...online or in the library. If you didn't have some co-dependence stuff going on, it wouldn't be so freakin' hard to leave.

 

Doing what's best for us/healthy for us is generally not the easiest or most comfortable thing (...or else everyone would 100% of the time). I had to start believing that was worthy of/deserving of treating myself in a respectful, healthy, caring manner....because if I treated myself like crap, it was a green light to some people to treat me like crap, too.

 

So, I finally booted him out for good in 1999. It is now a dozen years later - life is better. Better than I would've ever dared to even imagine it being back then. But I will never get those 5 years back. I learned some great and valuable lessons in that time, but by God, I wish I'd been a little quicker on the uptake.

[Rah25]

No...I haven't. I'm angry at myself for being so weak.

[Rah25]

Hey,

 

Your message is so encouraging. Thanks I really do appreciate it. I just read about codependency and it hit home. No one has ever spoken to me about it-but I presume its a big problem for me.

 

I'm glad to hear you escaped the relationship. Something I need to do - because in five years if we are having this conversation, then I don't blame you for smacking me in the head. I really do appreciate your sensitivity and advice

 

Thanks

[jengh]

My ex was a drug addict/alcoholic... I understand exactly where you're coming from completely. The lies, the deception, the apologies, the "i'll change"s... it's all bull****. Has he considered going on suboxone or something? Suboxone is better than methadone or Subutex because it has Narcon in it, meaning if he takes anything, he'll get violently ill. I would recommend this and then get out of the relationship. I was with my ex when he weaned off the Suboxone and I was with him when he started dabbling in pills again. I've seen it all when it comes to him. The codependency S2S wrote about--she's dead on. What made me leave? I jumped on a plane to California (I'm from Michigan) and never looked back. I knew if I was in the same area as him, I'd be vulnerable and go back to him but accross the country--not so much.... I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I sympathize... be strong.

[chitown9]

Hi Rah25, I also had this same type of a relationship. It went on for 5 years. I supported him in all his endeavors to stop drinking. Finally I he relasped one more time and it was the last time for me. I put him out for good. It has been about 4 years since it has ended. I learned recently that he actually stopped drinking. He finally bottomed out and it was sink or swim and he chose to swim. During the time he was me I thought that I was helping him but in actuality I was enabling him. Your therapist will explain your relationship with him to you and I expect that she will use words likes codependence and enabling. If I knew he would get sober if I stepped out of the picture I would have done it much sooner then I did.

 

Today I am married to man that I don't have these type of issues. I am sooo much happier these days!

[lavenderdove]

Fear of loneliness can be a powerful force that drives you to stay in toxic situations. But you need to remind yourself that his is your drug of choice in the same way drug/alcohol is his! You KNOW he is bad for you, but emotionally you are terrified of doing without someone in your life, and you've chosen someone who is just toxic for you, unfortunately, and need to kick this habit in the way any other addiction is cured, by going cold turkey and not putting yourself in contact with him.

 

there is a period of time when you first give something up that is just brutal, but you can break any habit if you tough that period out. So you need to set up a plan for yourself where you will have no contact with him at all, and if that means getting a new phone number and email account or moving in with a friend or family member for a while, then do it. Continue seeing your therapist until you've worked through this, but you CAN do it if you deal with your underlying fear of loneliness and really accept the understanding that someone like this is just as toxic for you as any drug and needs to be firmly rooted out of your life completely in the same way. It will take a while til you really experience the sense of freedom and happiness,but you can do it.

[broken1414]

WOW! All of these stories really hit home with me. Rah25, you NEED to read these posts over and over again and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! That is one of the most precious gifts, to know that others have gone through similar situations, and survived! 6 months ago I finally broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 5 years. It was undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever done, and the worst pain I have ever felt, some days it still hurts like it happened yesterday. BUT! Life does go on. I promise! It was the same old blah, blah story....he lied, he cheated, he abused, you name it. I enabled, I caved and let him drink when I knew it was wrong. I was scared of him and his drunken temper, so I let it happen. Now I jest feel stupid that I did all that to MYSELF. Like I said, some days it still hurts really bad, but I KNOW I'm better off, and I can FEEL that I'm better off. I haven't had that unsettling feeling of anxiety and worry since he left, and that makes it all worth while. Also, I am now with a man who truly does love and appreciate me, and just like these other women have said above me, it's like night and day. I KNOW it's hard when you feel co-dependent, like life won't go on, even though you know you're not currently happy. But PLEASE find the courage somewhere inside you to leave. YOU WON'T REGRET IT!

[Rah25]

broken1414...your message is so unnbelievably kind. I dumped him 23 days ago. I haven't spoken to him in 20 days, and I feel good. You are right the feelings of anxiety and worry have disapeared. I feel sad sometimes, and parts of me question how I meant nothing to him. So worthless.

 

Thanks for all the advice everyone you're amazing.

[broken1414]

Rah 25 - Good for you! STAY STRONG! I know it's hard. When it gets tough, I just try to think of how he made me feel, and how terrified I was of him, and how I don't feel that anymore. It makes all the pain worth while. I never read a forum before I went through all this.....I started searching for these websites when I knew I had to hear other women's stories. It helped immensely to know I'm not the only one. And even though it still hurts sometimes (I considered this guy my best friend), I really feel the need to offer support and share my story with people like you. Keep up with the "no contact", it's definitely for the best. I wasn't strong enough to cut him off completely right away, and just last week I spoke with him and he made me miserable (as usual), and that's when I finally decided to cut him out completely. Also, I'm not big on "self-help" or "positive psychology", but you should check out link removed and make a list of daily affirmations for yourself. I have done this, and read them everyday, and it feels like it's helping. My favourite affirmation is "I am too important to allow a man to make me cry."